Can I start a new life unless I get a divorce?
I have been too active on the forum this week. I think I am in need of support more than usual.
As you know I asked my spouse to leave home a few months ago because of his continuing LTA (2 years). It was a great decision. Even though I had seperated our rooms in the house and hardly ever saw him, he was too sad to leave. It was ridiculous.
My health condition requires a very good insurance, which he has, and it’s too expensive to pay it out of pocket. I have never used my own insurance as it covers nothing. I am currently looking for a better job with better insurance.
His company continues to provide insurance for a spouse in case of legal separation. My question is, can I start a new life if we’re legally separated? It mentally annoys me to be connected to him in any way, and I feel that divorce would be my mental freedom. Am I exaggerating?
He deserves nothing but a divorce.
[This message edited by Merti at 2:07 PM, June 29th (Tuesday)]
9 comments posted: Tuesday, June 29th, 2021
Why do WS refuse to divorce?
I removed my spouse from our home several months ago, when I found out he was continuing his LTA (almost 2 years, but I found out after 1 year)
As I spent more time alone, I can clearly see the mental abuse I had to endure. It was different when I was in it, living it. He would minimize the affair and tell me he was coming to his senses. Other than this horrible experience, he always treated my gently, so I was numb. He, of course, deceived me with false reconciliation too, so I lost time with him. I am so glad this has changed.
I don’t contact him at all. He keeps texting me how much he misses me, I am his one and only love, he has a mental problem, he can’t leave me, our marriage was perfect but he lost his mind, he is incredibly unhappy etc. I deleted all those messages straight away.
I wanted to talk him last week to discuss legal separation or divorce. He refuses. I know this will not change anything as I know I will go ahead and start the procedure.
It doesn’t matter why, but I sometimes want to know why people like him do this.
We’re not rich so he won’t lose money or property.
We have no kids.
I want to end this quietly, so I won’t cause a scene.
The reason cannot be his love! to me, considering we’re in this situation.
I am letting him to be whomever he wants to be. Drive to sunset with AP.
If I had burned down my marriage to have an A, I would run to my freedom especially if my spouse wants to quietly end things.
Cake eating? I haven’t even looked him in the eye while we were in home seperation. I haven’t wasted 2 minutes with him since I found out. He gets nothing from me.
[This message edited by Merti at 7:25 PM, June 27th (Sunday)]
15 comments posted: Sunday, June 27th, 2021
I need support (separation)
I asked my husband to leave our house a couple weeks ago. He is still in A. I treated him like a roommate ever since I found out and we were in the same house. My mind couldn’t process this experience and I believed that things will change for the better. I now know that I can’t change it no matter what I do because I didn’t cause it. Yes, he was a typical cake eater.
I have kept myself very busy not to think about living alone for these last weeks. But I had a difficult day today. A couple of my friends came over, I cooked for them, and it was triggering because my husband liked that specific food I cooked very much. He was very talkative with guests as well. So I felt a huge emptiness hosting my guests alone, and I cried a while after they left. I was thinking that I was doing well, but I was wrong.
My husband was my best friend. I lost too much and I am very sad but I know it was the right thing to seperate myself from this situation. I remind myself that I deserve to be respected so he can’t be in my life under these conditions.
Today, I was thinking to myself, okay, let’s get a divorce but live in the same house as roommates and not talk about our private lives. It made me happy for a second, as much as I know how ridiculous it sounds. I felt horrible that I needed his friendship this much. When I asked him to leave he tried to avoid it and kept saying that he can’t live without me in his life. Whether or not he is telling the truth, we were very close to each other, but it didn’t stop him from doing what he did.
I need to hear that time will help, and I will get better.
[This message edited by Merti at 11:35 PM, May 9th (Sunday)]
13 comments posted: Sunday, May 9th, 2021
Did your WS said he/she needs help?
Hi SI members,
I finally separated homes with WS. I admire BS that divorce their WS right away. I think everyone needs the right time to do it. For me, even separation was a big step.
He was in A for almost a year when I found out. I was walking on egg shells for months to accommodate him because I thought I could fix this. He especially hated it when I cried and questioned him. He wanted to go to trips, watch movies, have conversations with me as if everything was normal. I’d turned into this robotic, passive person. I couldn’t take it much longer and left home. A few months passed, and he came to me begging that he cannot live without me and that he ended A. (It was a lie). All in all, I spend more than 1 year with all this drama. (In addition, I was also going through cancer treatment at the time. This makes me extremely upset that he hurt me during such a vulnerable time)
He told me many times that he needed help. Yet, he neither saw a therapist nor dealt with his alcohol abuse. I clearly see that he is depressed and trying to escape reality. He is drinking way too much. But how can I help him unless he wants to change?
I know I cannot save him. But I also know that he is telling the truth when he says he needs help. I have always been a very supportive spouse, and I feel guilty that I will not lift a finger to help him at this point.
What do you think? Did you have similar experiences?
[This message edited by Merti at 7:59 PM, April 30th (Friday)]
13 comments posted: Friday, April 30th, 2021
WS cares so much about me!
I am in home seperation with my WS and I am finally making him leave our family house. He himself also knows that he needs to leave me alone. So there is no “you cannot force me out” kind of arguments. I admire those who want a divorce right away because that’s what these people deserve. I am taking longer but I believe everyone has a different pace and needs the right time to do it.
He is still minimizing his ongoing A. If I were so selfish to engage in A, I would just leave and do whatever. He must have spent so much effort to continue his double life because I found out almost a year later. But now, when I tell him to go and live his fantasy full time, he is just too lazy. I can’t imagine how he was able to continue an A with such laziness. Doesn’t it require so much effort to engage in such a thing for so long!
One thing that bothers me so much is that he still acts as if we are best friends, a special couple. He wants to hang out with me, watch movies etc. I keep my interaction with him minimal. He also treats me as if he cares so much about me. Soft spoken, never argues, generous, wants to but gifts, so you would think he is just perfect. This morning, he even called me my love, and I told him off. I got a little cut on my finger in the kitchen, he was there and panicked as if I was in extreme danger. But when I lost so much weight because of the trauma he caused, I was physically disappearing in front of his eyes, and he couldn’t have cared less.
It’s my understanding that home separation should be about not interacting, and also avoiding each other. I have not heard of a WS, who wants to act like he is in a honeymoon with his spouse, while the spouse only gives cold stares at him.
I am here just to vent. I heard of those who run away without even leaving a note, and there must be also these kind of WSs who are into such sublime acts!
[This message edited by Merti at 1:16 PM, April 20th (Tuesday)]
16 comments posted: Tuesday, April 20th, 2021
Did you have similar thoughts?
I hope this is not too funny.
A few years ago, I was arranging my garden and bought a plant that gives flowers. I put it in a huge pot and it has grown really big since then. Then the A happens and guess what, AP’s name is the same as those flowers I have in my garden.
I know it’s funny but I sometimes feel as if the plant brought me bad luck. A total nonsense obviously but a constant reminder in my garden. Did you have such ridiculous thoughts?
Lastly, should I leave the poor plant alone or give it to someone who wants it?
[This message edited by Merti at 1:23 PM, April 12th (Monday)]
32 comments posted: Monday, April 12th, 2021
My husband of 12 years is having an affair for almost 2 years. I was unaware of it for the first 15 months. The rest is as you know, cake eating and my struggle to be the best person in the world so that he stops this.
I am in the process of separation. You will mention a divorce but I need to take one step at a time and I need to separate first.
He hides the truth. He minimizes the affair. Each day I find out something new. I am not in a detective mode anymore but I still find out something new all the time. It crushes me to pieces. I shouldn’t care at this stage of separation, but I do and I get so upset about each new information.
Is it simply because we are in the same house? Is it because he still acts like he loves me and cannot live away from me? Will such triggers disappear once we separate?
Of course he hates the idea of moving out because he cannot think of a life without me(!). I show no emotions to him and do nothing for him at home, but I still get seriously stressed out about what he has done to me. Is it normal to care even after 15 months?
7 comments posted: Tuesday, February 16th, 2021
Still Couldn’t Separate- I Need Encouragement
Hello SI members,
My husband of 12 years is having an affair for almost 2 years. I was unaware of it for the first 15 months. The rest was all about me trying to make sense of his betrayal, him deceiving me by taking the affair underground and more. I am confused as to what happened to a couple like us. We are still in the same house but I emotionally pulled myself back and do not let him in my bedroom since I found out.
It might be common but he refuses to leave, as they call it he is a “cake eater” even though I do nothing for him anymore. I am unavailable all the time, no calls or texts all day. No romantic talks. I hide my feelings as I know cheaters love attention.
This is like a messy mind game because he is not an arrogant, angry person. I wish he were so that I could throw him out without hesitation. Unfortunately he is quiet, almost everyone considers him kind and lovely. We can still talk like friends, maybe unnecessarily more civilized than expected in such a situation. I give him a perfect separation scenerio, yet he refuses saying that he can’t live without me Yet he is still actively in affair. He minimalizes it and says: I am only seeing her a couple times a week, I am trying to separate, let’s escape and start over somewhere new etc etc, to which I do not respond. Why would one refuses to leave if he has his freedom to do whatever, but instead chooses to sleep on a broken crappy sofa for months? He has his big family house (parents recently passed away), which he can use anytime. I am not even giving him a fraction of attention and love I used to give. Why would anyone not leave under these circumstances? I know I should stop thinking of why he does this or that.
I am fed up with him. I left the town for 4 months and went no contact. I told him that he should get his stuff and leave by the time I am back. I ignored his calls and texts. I texted him once at the end of 4 months to make sure that he is not home anymore. But he was. Never left, never even thought about leaving because he loves me
I know that divorce would be ideal but I need to take one step at a time, and separation would be a great achievement for me for the time being.As I said earlier, he is a good-tempered, hard working guy and I know that these seemingly good qualifications mess up my mind. I need encouragement from you that I can push for separation. Clearly, I don’t know how to do it. Can you help?
[This message edited by Merti at 1:26 AM, February 4th (Thursday)]
35 comments posted: Wednesday, February 3rd, 2021
Legal Separation-Will I Be Able to Feel Free?
I was happy married for years, until that day. I can’t remember a day without love messages, it felt so special. But I now know that he was no different. I found out the affair after several months. Of course, like most of you experienced, he says he is confused, doesn’t know what to do, he loves me, he wants to be back to our beautiful life... I need to get out of this madness, because he is still in A.
I am considering legal separation instead of divorce. No kids. The only reason is that his health insurance is much better than what I am getting from my job, and I have a chronic situation which is very costly.
But I want to feel free. I don’t want to feel like somehow I am connected to him. Or, I don’t want him to think I am his back up plan. Those who went through or going through legal separation, how do you feel emotionally? Do you still feel attached? Whereas the idea of divorce feels like I am not a part of this ridiculous show anymore, I am free...But I am not able to go that way at the moment.
[This message edited by Merti at 11:23 PM, August 8th (Saturday)]
5 comments posted: Saturday, August 8th, 2020
I made him leave the house, I need your comments and support
Long story short, my husband of over 10 years did the unthinkable, I found out several months ago but he didn’t stop it. The trauma was horrible. He says he is confused and doesn’t know what he wants. I told him many times that in that case he should go and live his life. Great opportunity right, if you want to be with someone else. But no, he loves!! me, he loves spending time with me, but he doesn’t know how to end the A. I listened to him, I was patient, I did everything to please him (separate bedrooms), but as you all know already, he is still a cake eater and I am done. So, in a calm and collected manner, I told him to leave. I love you, I don’t want to leave you etc. were no answers, he had to just leave me alone.
1.Please help me to remind myself that I did the right thing. I know it was the only option, but pushing him to the cow hurts me very much.
2. He never did such a thing before, he was always a loyal partner. He went through some traumatic events right before these, but of course, nothing can be an excuse. He asks me this: ‘But I never did such a thing before, why did I do this, why now?’ As if he is trying to tell me he found someone so special that it’s worth losing it all. The worst thing is, even I will believe this stupid logic since I can’t answer how a loving, caring husband changed so much. If she is soooo special, why was he following me around for months, and refusing to leave?(other than to be a cake eater)
14 comments posted: Monday, July 27th, 2020