Newest Member: BallofAnxiety

Merti

I need support (separation)

Dear members,

I asked my husband to leave our house a couple weeks ago. He is still in A. I treated him like a roommate ever since I found out and we were in the same house. My mind couldn’t process this experience and I believed that things will change for the better. I now know that I can’t change it no matter what I do because I didn’t cause it. Yes, he was a typical cake eater.

I have kept myself very busy not to think about living alone for these last weeks. But I had a difficult day today. A couple of my friends came over, I cooked for them, and it was triggering because my husband liked that specific food I cooked very much. He was very talkative with guests as well. So I felt a huge emptiness hosting my guests alone, and I cried a while after they left. I was thinking that I was doing well, but I was wrong.

My husband was my best friend. I lost too much and I am very sad but I know it was the right thing to seperate myself from this situation. I remind myself that I deserve to be respected so he can’t be in my life under these conditions.

Today, I was thinking to myself, okay, let’s get a divorce but live in the same house as roommates and not talk about our private lives. It made me happy for a second, as much as I know how ridiculous it sounds. I felt horrible that I needed his friendship this much. When I asked him to leave he tried to avoid it and kept saying that he can’t live without me in his life. Whether or not he is telling the truth, we were very close to each other, but it didn’t stop him from doing what he did.

I need to hear that time will help, and I will get better.

[This message edited by Merti at 11:35 PM, May 9th (Sunday)]

13 comments posted: Sunday, May 9th, 2021

Pain Management

Hello,

My husband of 12 years is having an affair for almost 2 years. I was unaware of it for the first 15 months. The rest is as you know, cake eating and my struggle to be the best person in the world so that he stops this.

I am in the process of separation. You will mention a divorce but I need to take one step at a time and I need to separate first.

He hides the truth. He minimizes the affair. Each day I find out something new. I am not in a detective mode anymore but I still find out something new all the time. It crushes me to pieces. I shouldn’t care at this stage of separation, but I do and I get so upset about each new information.

Is it simply because we are in the same house? Is it because he still acts like he loves me and cannot live away from me? Will such triggers disappear once we separate?

Of course he hates the idea of moving out because he cannot think of a life without me(!). I show no emotions to him and do nothing for him at home, but I still get seriously stressed out about what he has done to me. Is it normal to care even after 15 months?

7 comments posted: Tuesday, February 16th, 2021

Still Couldn’t Separate- I Need Encouragement

Hello SI members,

My husband of 12 years is having an affair for almost 2 years. I was unaware of it for the first 15 months. The rest was all about me trying to make sense of his betrayal, him deceiving me by taking the affair underground and more. I am confused as to what happened to a couple like us. We are still in the same house but I emotionally pulled myself back and do not let him in my bedroom since I found out.

It might be common but he refuses to leave, as they call it he is a “cake eater” even though I do nothing for him anymore. I am unavailable all the time, no calls or texts all day. No romantic talks. I hide my feelings as I know cheaters love attention.

This is like a messy mind game because he is not an arrogant, angry person. I wish he were so that I could throw him out without hesitation. Unfortunately he is quiet, almost everyone considers him kind and lovely. We can still talk like friends, maybe unnecessarily more civilized than expected in such a situation. I give him a perfect separation scenerio, yet he refuses saying that he can’t live without me Yet he is still actively in affair. He minimalizes it and says: I am only seeing her a couple times a week, I am trying to separate, let’s escape and start over somewhere new etc etc, to which I do not respond. Why would one refuses to leave if he has his freedom to do whatever, but instead chooses to sleep on a broken crappy sofa for months? He has his big family house (parents recently passed away), which he can use anytime. I am not even giving him a fraction of attention and love I used to give. Why would anyone not leave under these circumstances? I know I should stop thinking of why he does this or that.

I am fed up with him. I left the town for 4 months and went no contact. I told him that he should get his stuff and leave by the time I am back. I ignored his calls and texts. I texted him once at the end of 4 months to make sure that he is not home anymore. But he was. Never left, never even thought about leaving because he loves me

I know that divorce would be ideal but I need to take one step at a time, and separation would be a great achievement for me for the time being.As I said earlier, he is a good-tempered, hard working guy and I know that these seemingly good qualifications mess up my mind. I need encouragement from you that I can push for separation. Clearly, I don’t know how to do it. Can you help?

[This message edited by Merti at 1:26 AM, February 4th (Thursday)]

35 comments posted: Wednesday, February 3rd, 2021

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