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Newest Member: Timewilltell44

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Completely confused and all over the place

Topic is Sleeping.
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Lurkingsoul12 ( member #82382) posted at 10:38 PM on Thursday, April 20th, 2023

Double post.

[This message edited by Lurkingsoul12 at 10:39 PM, Thursday, April 20th]

posts: 457   ·   registered: Nov. 12th, 2022
id 8787753
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 11:00 PM on Thursday, April 20th, 2023

Ah, thanks for clearing that up,Lurking. I was all kinds of confused. duh

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6626   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8787754
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Lurkingsoul12 ( member #82382) posted at 11:08 PM on Thursday, April 20th, 2023

You are welcome. I didn't wanted people to bring hellfire on him over this. laugh

posts: 457   ·   registered: Nov. 12th, 2022
id 8787755
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 11:10 PM on Thursday, April 20th, 2023

Hey now laugh laugh laugh

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6626   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8787756
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Buffer ( member #71664) posted at 11:13 PM on Thursday, April 20th, 2023

Hey Ozzy

Just for shits and giggles. Mess with their minds.
Let it slip that you and AP’s wife are working on a morning tea catch up at her request. Say no more

Buffer

posts: 1318   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8787758
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 Ozzy1788 (original poster member #83108) posted at 3:30 PM on Friday, April 21st, 2023

She has just called me after the meet up. It is done. They won't be seeing each other again. They are both wracked with guilt about what they have done and don't want their marriages to end. As such, I honestly (and please tell me where my logic is wrong) don't understand why blowing up the OBS life benefits. It was twice, they both regret it and the only difference between our situations is that I have to deal with knowing whereas she doesn't.

Now, I wish like anything I hadn't agreed to any of this. It was stupid and naive on both of our parts as she has done things she can't take back and I need to deal with the fact that she slept with someone else while we try to R.

What I hope all of the good people on here can take some sort of positive from is that if I hadn't posted, I think I would have carried on letting it happen for a lot longer, become more and more miserable and increased the chance of both families blowing up. We now have one where family who can carry on as they were before (theirs - I am not saying that they have a happy marriage by any means) while mine has more of a chance than it did before I posted.

Feel free to ask any questions / hurl abuse if needed but I am in such a better state than on page 1 and I think this whole episode has taught my wife and I a hell of a lot. We certainly won't be doing things in such a way again, I can assure you.

And to everyone who has suffered in even worse ways than me, I feel for you. This episode has told me that while the pain has been unbearable, knowing has still been less painful than not knowing and it is clearly hard for everyone to understand that level of honesty even while going through such trauma. I agree with everything I have read that the betrayal is worse than the act as I only had the act to worry about. That was awful so can only imagine what getting the double whammy is like. (Another reason for not telling OBS.) I will try and help people on here based on my experiences as they are clearly slightly unique compared to most.

posts: 168   ·   registered: Mar. 23rd, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8787881
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WonderingGhost ( member #81060) posted at 3:38 PM on Friday, April 21st, 2023

Enjoy living in denial, which seems to be your preferred state. Sounds like both you and your wife truly deserve each other considering the ease in which you're able to fool yourselves and put your wants above others at all costs. One day, hopefully, the OBS will find out. And I can guarantee you'll be dealing with a worse fallout than you ever would have with just coming clean to her. You, your wife, and the OM certainly will deserve it. But that poor woman, her kids, and your kids will not. Good luck.

As well there's no sense in anyone wasting their time telling you where "your logic is wrong" because there are literal pages of people telling you where it's wrong already, but you've decided to dodge and deflect. So, continue on as you are.

[This message edited by WonderingGhost at 3:48 PM, Friday, April 21st]

posts: 110   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2022
id 8787887
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MickDiddy ( new member #80155) posted at 3:41 PM on Friday, April 21st, 2023

Their family is not "carrying on as they were before", what with the other H having slept around on his W with your wife and all.

That poor woman has no agency, no right to decide whether her WH should be allowed to expose her to every sex partner he has outside the marriage. You have the ability to help her, and ultimately yourself, by exposing her H and your W's tryst.

It seems like you've used this message board more for documentation, rather than as the immense resource for successfully navigating your way into a safe/ better life and marriage.

Your wife has told you that he's not attracted to you. She's manipulated you into allowing her to have sex with another man. And now, you're convinced that the bet way forward is to do what, exactly? Wring your hands, gnash your teeth, tell her you're sad? If so, I hope you're content with this script because it will surely playout for you again.

posts: 22   ·   registered: Mar. 25th, 2022
id 8787895
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 3:47 PM on Friday, April 21st, 2023

You would not be blowing up the OBS marriage. Her husband, along with your wife,did that.

You tell because she deserves to know what has happened in her marriage.

You are so very sure your wife has been honest. You say that's extremely important to you. Because it allows you to make decisions in your life based on reality. Yet you also think the OBS shouldn't have that right.

Maybe OBS knows something isn't right. Yes, sex happened twice but the EA has gone on a lot longer. Maybe WH has been blaming his wife for the distance(extremely common). So she's been knocking herself out to get his attention. It's so totally unfair to her.

Maybe they're planning to have more kids. She deserves to know her marriage is at risk before having more children.

She is at risk. She could contract BV because her husband had been with a other woman. It's not necessarily an STD,but it affects the woman's PH balance,and can lead to pelvic inflammatory disease if untreated. Most women don't have symptoms, and if they believe their spouse has been faithful, they don't get tested.

She deserves the dignity of knowing what her husband has done.

Most cheaters who aren't caught,go on to find another AP.

I doubt any of this matters to you,because you have showed you have zero empathy for OBS as a human being. So,on the selfish side,telling the OBS ensures that the OM will not attempt to break NC, and will shut down any future attempts by your wife. You know this,because he made it clear he was using your wife,and wouldn't leave his wife. Telling his wife protects your marriage.

Also,selfishly,by keeping it a secret, you teach your WW that it's ok to keep affairs secret. Not a good lesson to teach her.

And finally, you tell because it's the right thing to do.

Edited to add..you say you don't want to tell because you want to basically protect the OBS from finding out. No one here believes that. You have shown zero empathy,respect or concern for this woman from the start. It's clear the biggest reason you don't want to tell,is because you fear your wife's reaction. Which means the possibility of you have a successful reconciliation very low.

[This message edited by HellFire at 3:50 PM, Friday, April 21st]

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6626   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8787900
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MickDiddy ( new member #80155) posted at 3:52 PM on Friday, April 21st, 2023

Hellfire

You're such an amazing poster and bring a ton of value with every one of your posts. Thank you.

OP, listen to this person.

posts: 22   ·   registered: Mar. 25th, 2022
id 8787903
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 3:54 PM on Friday, April 21st, 2023

Thank you so much! It's appreciated! blush

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6626   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8787904
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Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 3:55 PM on Friday, April 21st, 2023

That’s great news, I guess. I would definitely watch out for repeat behavior. Your permissive attitude is now engrained in her mind. Also, although she feels terrible of course, what are her consequences?

One consequence, by the way, would be to inform the OBS. Your WW of course doesn’t want this because she wants to protect her AP. She doesn’t have a care in the world about the OBS, otherwise she wouldn’t have cheated in the first place. Thus, by not telling the OBS, your WW is still involved in her A. Her A hasn’t been brought into the sunlight, which by the way helps kill it.

More important, by not telling the OBS you have taken away her agency. There are four people involved in your WWs affair, but only three know about it and are keeping it a secret from the fourth. It’s simply not just and not right to not inform the OBS, besides the fact that in not doing so your WW is protecting her AP, both at your expense as well as the OBS’.

Please think hard about this.

posts: 785   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8787905
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 Ozzy1788 (original poster member #83108) posted at 4:07 PM on Friday, April 21st, 2023

Eurgh, I really wish this all never happened. I hope that has come across after all these posts.

Again, I know where you are all coming from. But if you were in my shoes (I know none of you would be stupid enough to have ended up in this situation)....

But really really think, if you were in my situation, would you tell? I know it is ethical. I wish I had considered that more. I wish even after having given agreement my wife had thought more about it. I wish POSOM had thought about it. But here we are. POSOM wants to move on with his marriage, and it sounds like that doesn't involve admitting it.

My wife is done with it. Telling will blow the whole thing up moreso and wreck my kids lives.

If your answer is yes, I would destroy my kids life because it is right, seriously, I applaud you as you are a bigger person than me. I just can't do that.

I know the situation is a mess but I go back to my squid game analogy. Hopefully this was the last messed up game but at least there were only 2 rather than 20.

I really am gutted with myself for my contribution to the mess and I am sorry that it triggers people. sad

But my kids have to come above all else in this messed up situation.

By all accounts (yeah yeah I know) this is not something the POSOM has done before, or would do again either.

posts: 168   ·   registered: Mar. 23rd, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8787910
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NotJustAnotherGuy ( new member #82949) posted at 4:09 PM on Friday, April 21st, 2023

It took few hundred posts but I think I finally read Ozzy a bit. No doubt there's a strong sense of selfishness but now I'm convinced his reluctance - hell his defiance - in informing OBS stems from his fear of confrontation; pure weakness and cowardice.

Ozzy, from the start you've demonstrated weakness - allowing your wife to talk you into letting her sleep with her lover for goodness sake - and have used excuses such as your 'agreement' or her ultimatums to justify your weak standing. Now, you're sticking your head into the sand and trying to convince everyone here that it's actually best not to let OBS know because it's all over. Nope, you think it's best because you don't want to face OBS and more importantly the anger of the OM and your WW.

I suppose you're right in some ways. Not letting her know means she doesn't have to worry about STDs, or feeling awkward when your WW and OM 'bump' into each other, talk on the phone/email, whatever. I guess in some ways what you and your wife are doing to OBS - keeping her dark on this - isn't too far off from what your WW and OM are/will be doing to you; if you don't know, it won't hurt you.

Please do everything you can to stay together and keep your WW and OM happy. A new OBS doesn't deserve to suffer in the future when you WW gets the itch again.

posts: 14   ·   registered: Feb. 26th, 2023
id 8787912
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Lurkingsoul12 ( member #82382) posted at 4:11 PM on Friday, April 21st, 2023

If you read every successful reconciliation stories on this forum you will find out that the first thing BS did was to inform the OBS. Thats how they protected their marriage. People who delayed/skipped this very crucial stage were given false R.

I don't understand why you are so confident that if we were in your situation we wouldn't inform OBS. Almost everyone on this forum has informed OBS when they had a chance.

[This message edited by Lurkingsoul12 at 4:14 PM, Friday, April 21st]

posts: 457   ·   registered: Nov. 12th, 2022
id 8787914
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 4:22 PM on Friday, April 21st, 2023

Have you familiarized yourself with this forum at all? Do you not realize how many of us have informed the OBS, or were informed by the OBS?? Every BS who was informed by the OBS is GRATEFUL that someone showed them enough respect as a human being to tell them the truth. And every BS who told,knows it was the best thing they did to get them moving in the direction of a successful reconciliation.

We told. I told. He was extremely grateful. It was not easy. But it was necessary. And it was the right thing to do for EVERYONE involved.

Just call her. Don't warn your wife. As a matter of fact since she has ended the affair,and says she will be NC, she should have already blocked OM from being able to contact her. So she will never even know you told his wife. Also,telling your wife you are telling his means he will tell his wife you're crazy, abusive, and accusing all of your wife's male friends of having an affair with your wife. It also means he will delete everything and deny it. Don't message her. He knows you know,and may intercept any message. Just call the woman and tell her the truth.

And if your wife does say something about it? Then you know she is still in contact with him. But,surely that won't happen since she's so honest with you.

Edited to add

...again how would it blow up your kids lives? You've said she doesn't want to put the kids through a divorce, and she doesn't want to lose time with the kids. Are you saying she will do that to her kids if you tell the truth? Really? That she would rather lose half of her time with her kids,because you didn't protect the OM? If that's the case,Ozzy, you have no marriage to try to R. None.

[This message edited by HellFire at 4:31 PM, Friday, April 21st]

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6626   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8787921
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 4:41 PM on Friday, April 21st, 2023

T/j. Please stop dumping on him. He knows his marriage is on a very shaky platform.

My husband cheated while traveling. No one know, including my children, because we were young and I had no way to support my kids. I stayed quiet, we moved, he grew up and life went on. When I finally confronted him years later he was so surprised he admitted it. I don’t know if it was once or more. We have a good marriage but to give myself insurance I went to work. It gave me extra insurance…and we have never talked about it but now he knows that I know.

You have had some pretty harsh responses because the people responding ARE BSs. They will never get over living with a cheater and a liar. The OBS is them. That is why you will not have them on your side in this. Please read LYING by Jonathan Wallace in the ETHICAL SPECTACLE. It is the clearest definition I have ever read. And you are helping perpetuate a lie.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 4:42 PM, Friday, April 21st]

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 4207   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8787926
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ChamomileTea ( Moderator #53574) posted at 4:47 PM on Friday, April 21st, 2023

How does the OBS finding out wreck your kids lives? Are you saying that your WW will leave if you tell? Do you think that if the OM were suddenly available, she would choose him over you and break up your family to be with him?

We now have one where family who can carry on as they were before (theirs - I am not saying that they have a happy marriage by any means) while mine has more of a chance than it did before I posted.

{snip}

This episode has told me that while the pain has been unbearable, knowing has still been less painful than not knowing

You've answered you own question. I'm not going to harangue you about it. You're coming from a place of panic, I think, and it's been very hard for you to think outside the box while you feel your own family is threatened. There's no time limit on this decision though. Your thoughts on it today don't have to be final.

I do think that as you go forward, you'll struggle with the details of all this. Once the emergency is past, we have to live with our choices, and speaking from my own experience, I found that to be harder than I had imagined. There's a certain duality in our POV when we're dealing with infidelity at the early stages. When we step back and take a clinical look at our WS, it's easy to find empathy for them and it feels very calming. OTOH, when we look from our own POV, we feel the intensity of the trauma and betrayal. It would be nice if we could stave off that pain indefinitely, but it catches us up. Everything she's done, all she has coerced from you, is waiting to be processed, and all of it will have its due. You can't unknow any of it... and if you feel threatened still, you can't unknow that either.

I think you might be wise to start getting a backup plan together, just in case this all ends up to be harder to live with than you thought. Remember that you do have time though. Nothing has to be resolved today or even tomorrow.

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)
Married 40 years; in R with fWH for 8

posts: 7017   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8787930
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Notmine ( member #57221) posted at 4:50 PM on Friday, April 21st, 2023

Just call her. Don't warn your wife. As a matter of fact since she has ended the affair,and says she will be NC, she should have already blocked OM from being able to contact her. So she will never even know you told his wife.

Ozzy, this is an excellent point. How would your wife know you contacted the OS if she has truly cut ties like she says? After all, if she is now a true "paragon of honesty", she would never know and your kids would be safe.


That she would rather lose half of her time with her kids,because you didn't protect the OM?

This is also something to consider. She is more worried about protecting this guy than doing what is right. If she is still protecting him, she is not worthy of reconciliation. It means that she is still emotionally attached to him. If she is giving you consequences to protect him, she is putting him before you. YOUR feelings and needs should be the priority here.

One more thought - There is some sort of assumption that the OM feels so badly that he would never think to do this again. Has he done this before and your wife is just one of many? Could this be a pattern of behavior? You cannot make the assumption that this guy is being honest. He is a cheater, therefore he is dishonest. If there is one thing that is evident about cheaters, it is if they do not get the help they need, then they will almost certainly cheat again. What if he continues to cheat and gives his wife HIV, or genital warts, which are linked to a high risk of cancer? This is a decision that has real consequences for this person.

I also urge you to let her know. It is the most compassionate and humane thing to do.

When you're going through hell, for God's sake, DON'T STOP!

posts: 756   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2017   ·   location: DC
id 8787931
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 4:57 PM on Friday, April 21st, 2023

They will never get over living with a cheater and a liar. The OBS is them. That is why you will not have them on your side

The thing is..many of us are over it. We fought hard to get through it. Many of us are reconciled. This has nothing to do with being angry because we live with a cheater. I don't think any of us responding are living with a cheater. Mine is a FWS. And,the things is, we ARE on his side. Trying to help him understand why it's important that he tell the OBS is because we know he wants to R, and we all want that to work out for him. We know why it's important. Being on his side doesn't mean we pat his back and hold his hand while he makes decisions that go against the outcome he wants.

[This message edited by HellFire at 4:59 PM, Friday, April 21st]

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6626   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8787932
Topic is Sleeping.
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