Ozzy, I continue to be happy to see the progress you've made since coming here. I hope your marriage gets fully back on track. It will take effort and persistance from your wife and you but it is possible. Be vigilant in the coming months as well. The reconciliation forum may be helpful for you.
I differ a bit from the others here regarding telling the OBS in your case. I am not sure it is as "mandatory" as so many here believe. Yes, she does not have her full agency without knowing. That we can't really argue. And not telling could prove bad in the long run. But it is also possible that her marriage will be positive from here forward. No one knows. However, there is usually a 'selfish' reason for telling OBS and that, at least right now, does not seem to apply to you. The selfish reason is to stop the affair from continuing; telling OBS can work wonders for that. As long as your FWW stays away from him, that benefit is not needed for you.
And I think that 'selfish' part of the puzzle is what actually gets a lot of BS to inform the OBS. That and a bit of enjoyment at steering the karma bus directly to the AP. I believe that fewer BS would inform the OBS if they were in a situation like yours. That doesn't exactly make it right but it makes it more understandable imo. I'm sure that won't be popular but I think it's realistic.
Hope everyone had a good weekend. Mine was pretty interesting to say the least. First, I think this post has encapsulated what I couldn't quite understand, and where my situation is different.
Sending good vibes and hope your way Ozzy. I don't think this will be easy for you two to navigate because your wife has lost physical interest in you and appears to see you as a nice friendly roommate but with counseling maybe you can find the lost connection.
I do think it is possible your wife has been honest this whole time unlike the majority think here. For your sake, I hope that honesty remains intact going forward.
Please keep us updated.
Combining these 2 quotes gives me my situation. The affair is over. If anyone would like what I think it categorical, absolute proof, her parents now know everything. Her Mum came over on Sunday morning while her Dad took the kids out so that she could mediate while we talked about things. There is no-one more invested (other than my wife and I) in our marriage working than them, as they don't want to see their grandkids lives blown up.
POSOM also has regret, maybe he will tell her, maybe he won't. But in their relationship, as it stands maybe things will be stronger as he realises what a POSOM he has been. I am not going to interfere in their process. Sorry again if this triggers and this may well be the end of me on this forum, or maybe I do need to move to the R thread, I don't know. Happy to be given advice.
So the second quote is where we are. Unfortunately this whole debacle has made our relationship worse (some may enjoy that karma, if so, fill your boots) and has just re-emphasised how the physical attraction hasn't been there a long time. She is an absolute mess and needs to work out how to fix herself, let alone our relationship. Whether I can come back from this is hard to answer as well. We know we can co-parent and get to a stage where we are not fighting, but at this point she can't imagine even wanting to kiss me, let alone have sex. Obviously that isn't sustainable. We have a couple of intros with CCs so will see if we can find one we get on with.
Has anyone come back from their WS having no physical attraction for them? She acknowledges that I am good looking (as I said previously, despite everything my confidence in myself is high right now, I think I will do fine if this fell apart) but for the families sake I would still like things to work. A lot of healing to be done on my part but she has been much more empathetic to what has happened over the weekend so that is a start.
@hurthalo thanks again for your contribution. I do think there are differences in our situations but that isn't to say I won't be on alert and wary. Though the honesty the whole way through gives me comfort.
On honesty - a few people has said that doesn't absolve her. My apologies if I have made it sound like it does. This whole episode has hurt me brutally. I don't know if I can come back from it. BUT the honesty means that I don't think I have been hurt nearly as much as 99% of posters on here. There has been no going behind my back etc.
I don't know OBS in case that wasn't clear. I don't know POSOM either. They live about 100 miles away so no chance of bumping into either of them.
We were talking about the fog last night and I think she is understanding that at least an element of her current thinking is that, but unfortunately it is mostly wishful thinking on my part. She genuinely has lost physical attraction for me and can't see it coming back. We need to work with that reality and come to a solution which is best for the whole family.
Thanks as always for the responses. Let me know if not telling OBS is a sticking point and if it is now time for me to leave / move to another thread / etc. Support with a WW who basically no longer loves me is what I am hoping to get now, and the strong potential of D.