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Completely confused and all over the place

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Abalone123 ( member #82896) posted at 5:30 PM on Friday, May 26th, 2023

Why is poor Ozzy being badgered for not telling the OBS? How do you expect him to say " Sorry my wife has been cheating with your husband , albeit with my permission?". Unlike other BS’s he has not been blindsided so he does not have that moral high ground to stand on. He is not on team OBS. He’s struggling to understand why his wife has lost all attraction to him inspite of him letting her scratch her itch with another man. He has his own battles. OBS’s case is different. She most likely does not know her spouse has lost attraction for her. Why give her answers when there are no questions?

Swoned, your post hit me hard. Like someone else wrote , this was me for many years ( not lasagna or meatloaf but bland stir fried veggies). Your writing is powerful and touching.

HellFire, Let’s pray for the OBS together. Let’s pray for her strength to kick all these people to the curb and walk away with a massive F you.

posts: 281   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2023
id 8792748
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Unsure2019 ( member #71350) posted at 8:18 PM on Friday, May 26th, 2023

How on earth is the OBS going to kick anyone to the curb if she doesn't know? This takes a little more than prayers--- like someone actually deciding to act with integrity.

posts: 278   ·   registered: Aug. 21st, 2019   ·   location: California
id 8792770
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 8:53 PM on Friday, May 26th, 2023

How is she an OBS? That implies Ozzy is a BS,and he insists he is NOT. He gave his permission for everything,down to what sex acts she could do with the man. He said he was excited about it. He insists he has not been lied to,AT ALL. He believes that, 100%. In order to be a BS, one has to be cheated on. He wasn't..he insists on that. The only affair here is the affair the man is having on his innocent wife. What happened in Ozzy's marriage is they discussed it,and mutually agreed to open their marriage..she had someone in mind, he didn't. And he was fine with it, until he wasn't, he told her, and she ended the relationship with this man.

At one point, I thought he had eventually become a BS, when his wife was putting her hands all over other married men in front of him. No amount of telling him her behavior was unacceptable caused him to agree. It was completely fine that she was doing that,and no one thought anything of it. His ONLY problem was that he wasn't getting the attention he wanted from her,and she was acting that way in front of him. He was fine with her touching other men.

We keep calling her thr OBS, because that's who she would be in a typical affair. This was not a typical affair. It wasn't an affair. HE SAYS SO.

Instead of trying to find hidden meanings in his words,maybe it's time we all took him at his word. You know..when someone shows you who they are, you should believe them? Let's believe him. He's not a BS. HE SAYS SO.

I mean...is that still all true,Ozzy? Do you still feel this was never an affair your wife had in your marriage? Do you still feel she had a relationship with him,and it was a mutual agreement between the two of you?Do you still feel she never lied? Do you still feel she never betrayed you with this man? Has any of that changed?

[This message edited by HellFire at 9:02 PM, Friday, May 26th]

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6632   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8792776
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straightup ( member #78778) posted at 9:49 PM on Friday, May 26th, 2023

He has said he believes his wife had emotional affair but she refuses to accept that. He says that after agreeing to open the relationship he said he wished she wouldn’t but she went ahead. She doesn’t place emphasis on anything but the first ok.

When she said she would go no contact, she didn’t.

CT and others have pointed to a level of coercion behind his agreement because, his wife had lost physical attraction to him and he wanted to keep his family intact, partly for the sake of the kids, and he is still attracted to his wife.

All the other stuff is true as well.

Things are complex. Because things get complex if spouses don’t keep it simple through honesty, empathy, willpower and communication, in my opinion.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
Mother Teresa

posts: 343   ·   registered: May. 11th, 2021   ·   location: Australia
id 8792783
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 2:22 AM on Saturday, May 27th, 2023

Abalone:

She most likely does not know her spouse has lost attraction for her. Why give her answers when there are no questions?

Many of us sensed that something was off in our marriages before Dday, hence why we’ve been trying to explain to Ozzy that he shouldn’t assume that OBS is blissfully ignorant.

But even if she were, last I checked, not being suspicious of whether one’s spouse is cheating does not prevent one from getting STDs or any other ugly consequences of infidelity.

Straight up:


CT and others have pointed to a level of coercion behind his agreement because, his wife had lost physical attraction to him and he wanted to keep his family intact, partly for the sake of the kids, and he is still attracted to his wife.

Whether Ozzy is a BS or not is a variable as the weather.

In his original description of the course of events and in many posts thereafter, he’s clearly describing being coerced into accepting the affair. He even said explicitly that he felt like he had no choice and was playing Squid Game.

But on occasions when we all point this out, he insists that there was no coercion, he agreed and she was completely honest, and we’re all being unfair and unreasonable when we say otherwise.

Same thing with her flirting with and groping other men. He’s not cool with it… until we point out that it’s unacceptable behavior.
Then, suddenly, we’re the ones overreacting about something that doesn’t bother him at all.

As Hellfire said, we ought to take him at his word and accept what he says at face value… but that’s almost impossible to do when his interpretation or presentation of events changes wildly from week to week.

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 1899   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8792809
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Dennylast ( member #78522) posted at 5:28 PM on Tuesday, May 30th, 2023

Ozzie, any improvement in your situation? It’s been awhile. Hope you’re still with us.

posts: 148   ·   registered: Mar. 17th, 2021
id 8793100
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 Ozzy1788 (original poster member #83108) posted at 6:52 PM on Tuesday, May 30th, 2023

Edie, I think Ozzy has shown more reslience toward harsh posts than many other people over the years who post once or twice then never return. He is getting a lot of good support here and SI has helped him make a lot of progress. But I think we agree that some of the comments in this thread are over the line and pretty disappointing.

Yeah, I am still here. Just hated seeing how angry and upset people were getting. I am resilient and have enough going on in my life to let that kind of stuff get to me. No real change other than the fact that my wife doesn't want divorce in our future (figure that one out). Going to let her carry on with her IC for a couple more weeks. Have an option for separation in play as well (at least temporary while we sort out our headspace).

Quite happy to let this thread die a death though and start another when there is something more concrete to update with.

posts: 168   ·   registered: Mar. 23rd, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8793114
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 7:11 PM on Tuesday, May 30th, 2023

Your wife not wanting divorce is not the same as your wife wanting recommit to you and repair your marriage. As I've said before, it's clear that her plan is to simply wait you out and hope that things return to the status quo. She doesn't want to be a single mother with no one to come to at night, so she won't leave the marriage unless (or until) she's secured a cushy backup plan.

If you think I'm being cynical about her motivations for staying, then try enforcing consequences. You'll see her mask drop very quickly.

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 1899   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8793121
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bob7777 ( member #79867) posted at 8:08 PM on Tuesday, May 30th, 2023

Yeah, don't just wait find your own agency.

posts: 106   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2022
id 8793137
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Abalone123 ( member #82896) posted at 4:02 AM on Wednesday, May 31st, 2023

@Unsure2019 @HellFire and @ BluerThanBlue : sorry that was me being sarcastic to avoid the " You have a PM" from admin! No I don’t think prayers would help either. And there is only one BS here. I was blindsided, wouldn’t wish that one anyone. There is no ignorance is bliss in this situation.

posts: 281   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2023
id 8793208
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 1:19 PM on Wednesday, May 31st, 2023

@Abalone...oh, I got it. From one sarcastic person to another..I understood.

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6632   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8793225
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Dennylast ( member #78522) posted at 10:18 AM on Saturday, June 3rd, 2023

Ozzy, how are you doing? What developments have taken place in your life recently? Besides the one decision you have taken that most everyone here disagrees with, we are still here to help. Let us help.

posts: 148   ·   registered: Mar. 17th, 2021
id 8793740
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