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Completely confused and all over the place

Topic is Sleeping.
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yellowledbetter ( member #70518) posted at 5:26 PM on Thursday, May 25th, 2023

The only trigger here is the fact that you have no problem being a part of screwing over another woman’s marriage. Buddy, THAT shit should be triggering YOU.

It’s absolute bullshit.

Stay in infidelity forever if you want, but tell that woman so that she doesn’t have to!

It’s that thing, common decency….really related to integrity. Also known as ‘doing the right thing’.

[This message edited by yellowledbetter at 8:47 PM, Thursday, May 25th]

Me: BW 52, WH 55, LTA, AP 20 yrs younger. Married 33 yrs, together for 36
3 adult children
DDay Dec19/2018
Attempting Reconciliation….still.

~where there is deep grief, there was great love.

posts: 143   ·   registered: May. 9th, 2019   ·   location: Canada
id 8792482
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bob7777 ( member #79867) posted at 6:20 PM on Thursday, May 25th, 2023

I believe Ozzy has struggles with telling OMS because he feels guilty. He "supported" the affair and if he told her, he maybe feels like a hypocrite, like a "sore loser",imho. Guilt and shame are powerful forces.

posts: 106   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2022
id 8792488
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 6:29 PM on Thursday, May 25th, 2023

Guilt and shame are powerful forces.

I believe this is partially why.

But,let's unpack that. If one feels guilt and shame, they work through that by acting with integrity, and making better choices. They don't stick their heads in the sand,and rugsweep. That never works. Ask all the WS here who had to heal themselves, and work through guilt and shame. They had to take responsibility, and accountability. And that starts with being honest, and acting with integrity.

Also, I think he is scared of his wife,and how angry she will be if he tells on her boyfriend.

Keeping this secret not only means Ozzy won't fully heal,but it also enables his wife to continue to act without integrity, and keeps her in the position of OW. After all, we all know there is more to no longer being wayward/AP than simply not cheating.

Shame and guilt are weak excuses to not act with integrity.

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6628   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8792490
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 6:48 PM on Thursday, May 25th, 2023

Ozzy, I get that you're not ready to make any decisions, but what, precisely do you expect will change by doing nothing?

Throughout this entire ordeal, you have been acting as if you don't have any options and are completely powerless in this situation. You say that you're being analytical, but you're not actually analyzing any choices or digging up facts... you're simply ruminating.

For example, you're terrified of what divorce; of course, we all are. But why not get a consultation with an attorney and get a clear picture of what financial and legal implications of a divorce would be for your situation? Why not find out what joint custody would look like?

If your wife says she wants to remained married and doesn't want to lose time with the kids... then why not make complete no contact with OM-- including social media-- a requisite for staying?

You haven't told the OBS about the affair yet... why not use that to your advantage?

If you're waiting for any meaningful action from her, you won't get it, the first and most important reason being that she has no incentive to do anything. Her strategy is just to wait you out and hope you give up on talking about it; unfortunately, it's a strategy that often works well, particularly on people who hold their spouses up on pedestals.

But even if you shut your trap and rugsweep, she has no intention of living chastely. She will find another lover, if not her ex-BF, then another man. You will not get a heads up next time; she will spare herself the aggravation of dealing with your messy and inconvenient feelings. Then, when she finds a better branch to swing to and prepares a soft landing (perhaps when your kids are a bit older), she'll be gone.

The choice you're now facing is whether you continue living with this axe swinging over your head or make a move to get out from under it.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 6:51 PM, Thursday, May 25th]

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 1898   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8792495
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swoned ( member #54719) posted at 6:58 PM on Thursday, May 25th, 2023

Every morning a wife wakes up after having not slept well at all for the last 3 months.

She's lost 20 pounds because she doesn't have an appetite. She's feeling weak and has a headache again.... probably too much stress.

Next to her, her husband is asleep. This man is everything to her.

She gets up quietly as to not disturb her sleeping husband--- he works so hard and needs his rest more than her.... And yesterday he berated her for being too noisy at 5 am when she was tossing and turning, because of the nightmare of scenarios in her head. they won;t go away. she can't stop thinking. her mind races all day and all night.

She sits down on the toilet, but there's nothing. She's not had any food in 3 days. Last time she ate she vomitted. She opens facebook on her phone and sighs in despair..... Husband's phone is active with a green light.... he must have woken up when she left to the bathroom.

She finishes in the bathroom, and runs the sink a few extra seconds so her husband knows she's done. and returns to the bedroom.

Husband is still asleep=== but his phone is tucked under him now out of reach again-- he must have moved it from the charger. She wishes she knew the password to his phone, but he changed it.... and accused her of being absuive when she meekly asked about it.

She stares longingly at the love of her life, and wonders what changed. Was it her fault? She tries to be pleasant, and even started working out, but her husband seems to have lost all interest in her. Nothing she does seems to help, it only makes things worse.... he nags at her constantly... it's been 6 months since they had sex. She got a UTI, and he had accused her of cheating on him... but that of course wasn't true.

They don't go on dates anymore... Husband is always working late. She tries calling him after work, but he always sends her to voicemail.

She heads downstairs to make her husband breakfast and pack a lunch. Yesterday, she made his favorite (meatloaf) and packed a note that said "thinking of you" She finds his lunchbox and empties it. He didn;t eat any of it yesterday... the note is still folded up. Probably he was too busy and he didn't see it. She writes a new small note to slip into his lunch. it just says "I miss us. <3"

Her husband comes downstairs, and complains that the coffee isn't made. I guess he didn't notice the haircut that she got yesterday for him... or the new pajamas. He didn;t even look at her... He's on his phone again, texting someone. He smiles and laughs. She asks him what was funny, and he bites at her that she's always invading his privacy.

Who is he texting? Is there another woman? Why is he so distant? Why doesn't he text me anymore? When did this all change? Where was he last night? Why was there condoms under the seat of his car? Who can I turn to for answers? I'm so lost. I'm so hurt. But i love him. He'd never do this to me right? we're special! How am i going to make it through this day. God, please help me.

She makes a decision that today she will try even harder to be a good wife..... today will be different. He'll come back, you'll see.

Ozzy---

you might think OBS is living in true ignorant bliss a happy and fulfilled life full of contentment.... but I VERY VERY much doubt it. It's much more likely she's been locked in her own personal hell with no escape and no one to help her. And YOU are content keeping her there. As far as I am concerned, this is an EVIL choice you've made.

And this is on top of the reasons we've given you all over how this will HELP YOU.

[This message edited by swoned at 7:03 PM, Thursday, May 25th]

D-Day 6/22/16Ended in Divorce 07/02/18Remarried.

posts: 221   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2016
id 8792498
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 7:18 PM on Thursday, May 25th, 2023

Swoned, that was a powerful post.

And familiar.

I haven't cried in several months,and now I can't stop.

THAT triggered me.

[This message edited by HellFire at 7:19 PM, Thursday, May 25th]

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6628   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8792501
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Sceadugenga ( member #74429) posted at 8:22 PM on Thursday, May 25th, 2023

Swoned, that was a powerful post.

I second that.

And familiar.

I second that as well. All too familiar.

posts: 303   ·   registered: May. 13th, 2020
id 8792507
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Edie ( member #26133) posted at 8:36 PM on Thursday, May 25th, 2023

I have said before that though it might seem like I am ignoring advice I am taking everything on board.

Maybe I am not listing all of my thought processes but I am at about 90% now that we are done.

I won't be telling the OBS at this point. That doesn't mean I won't at some point in the future,

I think we have MC sorted for very soon so this is the kind of stuff I will bring up when there is a mediator.

I feel the need to sum up my understanding at least of where you’re at, Ozzy, from what you’ve said most recently in this thread

You’re doing the 180 and exploring your options, and are leaning, feeling somewhat resigned anyway, towards D, because of your wife’s declared lack of attraction to you and also because recent events have made you unhappy about her behaviour and aspects of her character. You are not yet setting consequences, but are discussing boundary/ NC issues with your WW - but she’s being (possibly wilfully) obtuse about FB friendship actually being contact, so refuses to delete OM as a friend. This has brought about an impasse in communication on the matter to add to her refusal to discuss the A, an impasse partly due to perspective and disagreement over understanding and terms (she doesn’t see it as a secret affair for starters), which you hope will be facilitated through the mediation of a MC, which I’m guessing you also hope will also facilitate discussions either about the future or indeed the ending of your marriage. You are both seeing IC. You are not intending to contact OBS at this point but haven’t ruled it out.

Sounds like you’re putting quite a lot of expectation on MC, given the impasse you describe. But equally, there may be all sorts of other discussions with your WW that you are not reporting here and we are therefore not party to, as is suggested above, which might be leading you to believe MC will be helpful, maybe even productive, so, if so, this suggests this should be prioritised. Especially if she has agreed to MC, which is also promising. Anyway, just to say it doesn’t feel therefore like limbo to me as it sounds like you are doing a lot of reflecting about everything and a lot of unseen (and unreported) paddling under the water. Given the ‘obtuseness’ of your WW about terms, it might be that you feel consequences are of little use as you feel she does not value you or the marriage anyway. However, you previously reported that the 180 was having some effect in her feeling your shift away, and given that (signs of SOMETHING having effect to breakthrough) so might it be useful to solicit ideas here re possible consequences, like, for example, BTB began to list above? I hear you on the your current feelings re contacting, OBS, so I mean other ideas for consequences? I don’t know how withdrawn or hardline 180 you are doing for example. Anyway, just a thought… only if you’re prepared to apply them, that is.

Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 kids 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) R'd.

posts: 6638   ·   registered: Nov. 9th, 2009   ·   location: Europe
id 8792511
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yellowledbetter ( member #70518) posted at 8:38 PM on Thursday, May 25th, 2023

Swoned, deeply familiar and equally as powerful. I’m sure many of us here can say that reading that was like someone narrating a particularly painful part of our story. Certainly there was no ‘bliss’ in the ignorance of what was happening in my life behind my back. All that it did was prolong the agony.

And you really hit the nail on the head when you described Ozzy’s actions(or lack there of) as EVIL.

All 3 of them must have a very difficult time sleeping at night.

[This message edited by yellowledbetter at 8:45 PM, Thursday, May 25th]

Me: BW 52, WH 55, LTA, AP 20 yrs younger. Married 33 yrs, together for 36
3 adult children
DDay Dec19/2018
Attempting Reconciliation….still.

~where there is deep grief, there was great love.

posts: 143   ·   registered: May. 9th, 2019   ·   location: Canada
id 8792512
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swoned ( member #54719) posted at 8:44 PM on Thursday, May 25th, 2023

I'd like to apologize for triggering anyone.
I triggered myself writing it.

D-Day 6/22/16Ended in Divorce 07/02/18Remarried.

posts: 221   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2016
id 8792513
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SI Staff ( Moderator #10) posted at 8:55 PM on Thursday, May 25th, 2023

yellowledbetter you have a PM.

posts: 10033   ·   registered: May. 30th, 2002
id 8792518
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Dennylast ( member #78522) posted at 9:55 PM on Thursday, May 25th, 2023

Ozzie, what did your wife say to you when you said that you didn’t want to stay married to someone who was not attracted to you.
And to answer your question, it seems clear from what you are not saying to us that you are not all in on regaining a sense of self respect. You are waffling. It seemed like you were moving in the right direction to me but then eased off the gas. And I get it. It is a huge decision to make. But you saying you are 90% there has been said so many times in different ways by so many people that it seems cliche. I say this to you not to beat you down or shame you. As soon as you actually get to the place you need to get to, you will start to feel better. Not good, just a little bit better. It means your moving ever so slowly in the right direction. But that is infinitely better than where you are now.
Now Ozzie, if you would, tell us about this conversation with wife where you told her you did not want to be married to someone who did not find you attractive. Tell us her reaction when you discussed what divorce would look like. In my opinion, this might give some insight into where she is right now.

posts: 147   ·   registered: Mar. 17th, 2021
id 8792527
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ArkLaMiss ( member #14918) posted at 12:59 AM on Friday, May 26th, 2023

Oz, FILE. She's gone. It seems what she had is an exit affair and she wants out but is too cowardly to pull the trigger herself. You've got absolutely zero to work with here. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but She's using you right now to continue living her normal cushy life. Blow this all the way up. Tell your friends and family. You're only as sick as the secrets you keep. You deserve a kind, decent woman that only has eyes for you.

Just HOW stupid do you think I am, exactly?

posts: 1802   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2007
id 8792545
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Trdd ( member #65989) posted at 5:45 AM on Friday, May 26th, 2023

Ozzy, there was a story here years ago of a guy who got everything right with his WW. Immediate, courageous, investigative, thorough and decisive action. No waffling, no indecision, no emotional turmoil and absolutely no fear. Many people at SI loved him.

The trouble was, it was all fake. Someone writing fiction, for whatever reason, right here at SI. It went on for some time before the truth was discovered. I share this to emphasize that everyone who is real here made mistakes too. Hang in there and keep making progress.

[This message edited by Trdd at 5:47 AM, Friday, May 26th]

posts: 943   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8792568
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 12:28 PM on Friday, May 26th, 2023

Swoned, replace meatloaf with lasagna and you just described the last 3 years of my marriage with my ex. 😢

Edie, Ozzy says his being doing the 180 but there’s no evidence of that. He’s gone on 2 vacations with her. He’s continuing his loving acts of service (giving her scalp massages, making her drinks) while she remains cold and aloof. The pick-me dance is still ongoing.

Even if his wife agrees to IC and MC, I don’t see what will be achieved if she fundamentally doesn’t respect him.

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 1898   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8792578
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Edie ( member #26133) posted at 12:42 PM on Friday, May 26th, 2023

He’s continuing his loving acts of service (giving her scalp massages, making her drinks) while she remains cold and aloof. The pick-me dance is still ongoing.

I disagree. It was very clear it was past tense, as Ozzy was describing a feeling of one-sidedness he’d had for a while and gave these as examples of things that had happened in the past that she hadn’t reciprocated and in my view was not even ambiguously present tense, at least for me, but perhaps we can just agree on different interpretations. I do however think he’s made it clear that not only is the pick me dance no longer, reflexively at least, his MO but on the contrary he’s no longer waiting on his WW to decide matters but giving her a chance through MC to catch up before he moves even further away from her emotionally on his way out the door.

Edited to add, but it’s true that he has only very recently turned that corner, thanks in part, it sounds, to reading and getting some support here, as well reading Glass and so he is less likely to be bamboozled by his WW ‘logic’.

But I suspect he won’t be returning to this thread, so far having been called dishonest, unaccountable, disingenuous, and cowardly amongst other things.

[This message edited by Edie at 2:22 PM, Friday, May 26th]

Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 kids 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) R'd.

posts: 6638   ·   registered: Nov. 9th, 2009   ·   location: Europe
id 8792580
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Trdd ( member #65989) posted at 3:51 PM on Friday, May 26th, 2023

Edie, I think Ozzy has shown more reslience toward harsh posts than many other people over the years who post once or twice then never return. He is getting a lot of good support here and SI has helped him make a lot of progress. But I think we agree that some of the comments in this thread are over the line and pretty disappointing.

posts: 943   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8792689
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Edie ( member #26133) posted at 4:34 PM on Friday, May 26th, 2023

👍🏽

Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 kids 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) R'd.

posts: 6638   ·   registered: Nov. 9th, 2009   ·   location: Europe
id 8792719
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bob7777 ( member #79867) posted at 5:22 PM on Friday, May 26th, 2023

Edie, I think Ozzy has shown more reslience toward harsh posts than many other people over the years who post once or twice then never return. He is getting a lot of good support here and SI has helped him make a lot of progress. But I think we agree that some of the comments in this thread are over the line and pretty disappointing.


I agree, everybody needs their own time.

posts: 106   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2022
id 8792744
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RoundandRound68 ( new member #82936) posted at 5:26 PM on Friday, May 26th, 2023

Edie, I think Ozzy has shown more reslience toward harsh posts than many other people over the years who post once or twice then never return. He is getting a lot of good support here and SI has helped him make a lot of progress. But I think we agree that some of the comments in this thread are over the line and pretty disappointing.

Couldn't agree more.

Does the merry-go-round ever stop

Me : BH 46 at the time.WW 40 at the time.

posts: 24   ·   registered: Feb. 24th, 2023   ·   location: U.K.
id 8792747
Topic is Sleeping.
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