Dealing with friendship fallout
I'm 6 months out from a DDay 2 that has prompted me to leave my WS of 10+ years. We both have a friend group consisting of mostly people that were already WS's friends and that became mine over the course of the relationship. I've known these people anywhere from 5 - 10+ years. Last month I finally decided to send the few that knew about my XWS's cheating a letter. To paraphrase, I let them know the extent of my XWS's cheating - including the fact this wasn't the first time - and that I was leaving him, as before this letter it hadn't been made clear that I was leaving.
To say the responses were underwhelming is an understatement..Not only had none of these friends reached out to me before this point to ask if I as okay, or simply offer their sympathies for the situation, all I got from these "friends", with whom I've been friends with for, again, 5-10+ YEARS, was "Sorry this happened, I love you both." After the fact they all hang out with XWS as if nothing has happened. One of them even had the audacity to imply that at least things weren't as bad as they could have been since my XWS didn't go physically have sex with anyone. I don't even know what to say.
How did you deal with unsympathetic/unsupportive/or downright apathetic friends? In my mind the only thing to do is, once I'm in my own place, completely drop the friend group all together and try building up my own group of people who actually have an ounce of emotional maturity and empathy. Feels like just another shitty thing on the pile of shitty things, losing my relationship, hopes, dreams, plans, and now friends. Was I unfairly expecting too much out of them?
12 comments posted: Thursday, May 18th, 2023
On the road to beginning anew and feeling hopeless
Today has been a particularly hard day for me. My uncle fell ill and passed suddenly. It's gotten me thinking more about the future and I can't deny being so, so sad.
I'm in the midst of separating from the only person I've ever been in a relationship with. 10+ years of my unwavering, faithful love up in flames after DDay 2.
I'm 30's and for some reason the idea of having to start over and find love again is paralyzing. I worry that men may see my lack of desire to have children and my apathetic views on marriage (I wouldn't mind never getting married, but would do it if I met the right person and we talked about it) as off putting.
Maybe it's because my WS is the only relationship I've known, have had all my firsts with, that I feel I'll never find anything as good (I know, that sounds horrible to say I won't find anything better than a cheating partner. Emotions are weird)
New beginnings crew, please give me some hope.
7 comments posted: Monday, March 13th, 2023
When does it click for them, if ever?
Had to be removed for privacy
10 comments posted: Saturday, March 11th, 2023
Can't even cheat in my dreams
I'm currently going through separation with my partner of 10+ years after a DDay 2, we are still kind of "together" but in a weird limbo state right now.
Last night I had a dream that included one of my old friends from HS who I know had a crush on me. Details aside he was about to enter a life or death battle so I gave him a hug goodbye. He pulled me forward and tried to kiss me, and I pushed him back like "Dude, what the hell are you doing, I can't." I've never had a dream where I was engaging sexually with anyone other than my partner, and even now, it seems like my brain can't bring itself to even when I know this current relationship is ending.
I just thought it was kind of funny. I definitely need some sort of humor in my life right now. Anyone else have any similar experiences?
10 comments posted: Friday, March 10th, 2023
To tell or not to tell?
My WH's AP was single at the time of their A (The AP was a mutual friend of us both, what a friend ), however shortly after it ended, the AP got into a relationship that is still ongoing. Needless to say I highly doubt the AP revealed to their current partner that they had an affair with a man in a relationship with someone they called a "friend" shortly before they got into their current relationship.
The AP's current partner is also someone I know. We aren't friends, but we are acquainted.
I've rolled the idea in my head of letting the AP's current partner know about this, but I wanted to ask SI: Does this information really matter since the AP wasn't involved with this person until after the A ended? If it doesn't matter I won't bother rocking the boat, but I thought I'd ask.
17 comments posted: Saturday, February 25th, 2023
Here I am again, for the last time, no third chances
Hey everyone. WH and I are early 30's. Been together over a decade. Not married. No Kids.
WH had an online EA years ago. We decided to R, he did everything you'd expect a truly remorseful partner to do. I really thought, after years, we had R'd very well.
Then, I had a feeling.
I found evidence he'd been doing the exact same thing as the first EA.
I told him that was it, and we're going through separation. I just feel..so numb. He says he's ruined the best thing he ever had, I agreed. He said he's mentally fucked up and self-sabotages, I agreed. He's been sobbing and I've been largely ignoring him.
I was colder to him than I've ever been in my life during these talks, and I've never been cold to him.
I need some guidance on what on earth I should do. We live together in an apt, share finances, share a car.
The first time the EA happened, I didn't tell a soul. Since we decided to R, I think it was a good idea. However this time..Things are different. We're splitting, and our social life is too intertwined for it to be kept under wraps. Does it matter when I tell our friends and family?
I initially planned on telling our 3 closest friends about it tonight. Is that too soon?
How should I go about separating our lives?
74 comments posted: Thursday, December 1st, 2022
How to approach a gut feeling during R
EDIT: Taken care of, thank you
11 comments posted: Tuesday, November 8th, 2022
How do you get over the hate for the AP?
Does it ever go away? I've never been the kind of person to throw around the word "hate" loosely, especially not towards other people. But the AP is probably the one person I can say I..hate.
I don't enjoy feeling this way, and I think part of it stems from the fact I never really got to let loose on the AP when I found out about the A. I was young and in total shock, I even spoke KINDLY to the AP on one occasion about how they needed to tell their spouse about the A sooner rather than later because the more they waited the worse it would be. There was no name calling, no venting of my frustrations, nothing. I almost wish I could have.
What is your experience on this?
Did you get to vent at the AP about how awful they were? Did you want to, did it help?
Did you contact them later down the road to do it?
Have you told your WS about these feelings towards their AP? Does that help?
53 comments posted: Sunday, November 6th, 2022
How do you get over the hate for the AP? (moved to General)
This Topic has been moved to General
0 comment posted: Sunday, November 6th, 2022
6 comments posted: Wednesday, October 5th, 2022
Feelings hiccups in R 5 years out
Removed, thank you guys. Even one reply helps.
1 comment posted: Friday, September 30th, 2022