Newest Member: CereBella

Reconciliation :
My grief is all consuming

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 AllIam (original poster new member #79188) posted at 5:08 AM on Saturday, August 28th, 2021

I'm in such a dark place right now. I feel like a horrible person. I'm so bitter and angry that I can't even function. I hate him for ruining my life. For not treasuring what we had. For making me believe that he was head over heels in love with me for our entire 20 years of marriage. He took away my rights to choose and stole my youth. My memories of the past are all a bunch of lies.

He wants our marriage more than anything now, but I can't stop yelling at him. So much hate spews out of my mouth. I know I'm pushing him away, and I don't seem to care. Nothing he says or does is going to help me feel better. I really want to leave, but I just can't let go because I loved him so much!

I'm going to IC, have started antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds. Nothing seems to help. If anything I feel like I'm getting worse.

I keep thinking about googling the easiest ways to commit suicide. I'm not that kind of person--I'm too logical to hurt myself, so why these thoughts? I'm angry that I let someone completely destroy me. Nobody should have that kind of power over my heart. It makes me feel so weak.

My self worth is non existent. Yes it was all his fault and he was messed up in the head, but if he loved me he would never have risked losing me.

I desperately want to feel better. I am in awe of the strong betrayeds on here that are able to move past it. The ones who still love themselves for who they are. I want to believe in myself like that, but I'm frozen with fear and weighed down by sorrow.

I've tried doing the things I once loved doing, but I have to force it. I don't enjoy anything anymore. I go through the motions with my kids and look forward to the night when I can be alone. I'm just stewing in a pot of grief.

If any of you felt this low, how were you able to claw your way out of the darkness?

posts: 30   ·   registered: Jul. 28th, 2021
id 8685945
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LostOpportunities20 ( member #74401) posted at 6:17 AM on Saturday, August 28th, 2021

If any of you felt this low, how were you able to claw your way out of the darkness?

I think all of us felt this way.

In no way am I minimizing what you feel - but you will find resilience as you adjust your perception of your life. Not saying you will be happier with or accepting of WS, but that you will find strength welling up and carrying you through some tough emotional spots. It is hard not to live and die in the moment...but there are many huge and wonderful things that will come your way. Don't think your life is over. It is just changing and you will find a way to make it change for the better.

As many of our brothers and sisters have been hammering into me over the past week, what happened was in no way your fault nor is it a measure of your worth.

Keep up routine things you do, but try to find some other activities so that you can focus on yourself - even if it is reading or walks around the neighborhood or at the park.

BH (late 40s)
WW (late 40s) EA 2008, EA/probably PA 2009

Confessed the first, I caught her the second.

R only in as much as we'll stick it out. Too late to start over.

posts: 112   ·   registered: May. 7th, 2020
id 8685954
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sillyoldsod ( member #43649) posted at 11:40 AM on Saturday, August 28th, 2021

Wow I can feel the deep pain in your words AllIam. crying

I'm sorry I'm unable to objectively console you other than to trust you have a good counsellor who will get you back on the right track eventually, whether that results in staying married to your FWH or getting a divorce. Hopefully he/she will work on recovering your self worth/self esteem. That is the key. YOU deserve better!

You can't force yourself to feel a certain way. It may be that for you the relationship is unrecoverable as an ongoing marriage. There are personal boundaries and standards of behaviour which, if crossed, there's no coming back from in which case you mustn't beat yourself up over it.

I want to believe in myself like that, but I'm frozen with fear and weighed down by sorrow.

What is it that you fear? I haven't read your profile so I don't know how far out from Dday you are but as is quoted ad nauseam 'time is a great healer'. Give yourself time. I still live with what happened in my own marriage (I divorced 6 years ago) and I guess I try to compartmentalise it but it never goes away and probably never will. I learn to accept my feelings as they are and will likely carry a sadness for the rest of my life but that doesn't stop me enjoying a wonderful new relationship and new interests. I look forward to the future every day I wake up.

You have a remorseful WS who wants to save the marriage. I was never offered that opportunity. I often wonder which end of the shitty stick ultimately ends up being shittier for the BS. duh

Wishing you all the best.

(((AllIam)))

I've never met a sociopath I didn't like.

posts: 658   ·   registered: Jun. 7th, 2014   ·   location: UK
id 8685960
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Oldwounds ( member #54486) posted at 8:42 PM on Saturday, August 28th, 2021

I’ve been there.

I think most of us here have been standing in this exact spot.

I went from shock, to numb, to complete dark depression despair. And then cycled back through it again.

I personally couldn’t do the meds, I think just for me (and not medical advice) — I wanted to take on the feelings head on.

We can all talk about our self worth, because we do find it again, but that doesn’t help you today.

I think once I remembered that this horror shows happens to people regardless of their fame, their wealth, their age, etc., that I started to figure out there was nothing I could have done different.

I also think fear is a huge factor the first year, regardless of what anyone says.

You’re absolutely 100 percent normal!

I described the feeling as if someone cut open my chest, dropped in a grenade, closed my chest and then it exploded. That’s how I felt. For a long time.

How to get through? One step forward, three steps, back, two steps forward, one step back, until you find some momentum.

Clawing out of the darkness is right.

I picked days to talk about it and then I made days where NOTHING about infidelity would be talked about. I found some of the books, films, TV shows, music, event, my kids, my friends — as tiny, temporary distractions. I would say I’ve watched 20 sitcoms all the way through in five years, anything with a chance to make me smile. A walk. A hike. A workout.

Initially, 59 minutes of every hour were miserable, then I got it to 58 minutes. I built on those two good minutes. After a while, I made sure I had ONE good hour every day. I don’t know when, but somewhere along the way I had a good day - a whole freakin’ day!

You feel totally destroyed, yet here you are with the strength to ask for help.

Some folks don’t make it that far.

Aim for the good stuff, even though you can’t imagine it yet. Aim for it anyway. You WILL get there.

Married 34+ years, together 40+ years
Two awesome adult sons.
Dday 6/16 4-year LTA Survived
Restoration takes time.
"Circumstances don't make the man, they only reveal him to himself." ― Epictetus

posts: 4194   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2016   ·   location: PNW. The adventure continues.
id 8686018
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stubbornft ( member #49614) posted at 8:52 PM on Saturday, August 28th, 2021

I’m so sorry. I can relate. I am not a person that usually felt anger. And at about the 6 month mark I got SO ANGRY!!!! My therapist told me it is ok, and to feel it. Process it.

When they cheat they shake the foundation of our lives. Home should be the place we relax, regroup, feel safe. It is just such an awful and disorienting feeling when your home, your safe place, is obliterated from inside.

Just in case: 800-273-8255 suicide prevention hotline. Please don’t do anything to harm yourself. You deserve to heal and thrive. You will. You just have to process all the grief.

I am so sorry. I know it hurts. Hugs to you ♥️

Me: BS 40
Him: WS 51
He cheated with massage parlor sex workers
Dday 01/19/2021

posts: 814   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2015   ·   location: TX
id 8686020
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 10:19 PM on Saturday, August 28th, 2021

but if he loved me he would never have risked losing me.

This is so far from reality. Just b/c people are in love doesn’t mean they don’t have flaws or issues or deep rooted problems. It doesn’t mean the cheater (who is flawed) is capable of doing the right thing or making rational choices.

My H was so far gone during his affair I thought he either suddenly started using drugs or he was having a mental breakdown.

People do things they regret. However you don’t make bad choices b/c you don’t live your spouse. Cheaters make bad choices because they are selfish and put their own needs or wants first.

It’s not the betrayed. Never was.

It’s about selfish broken people. That don’t care they are hurting the betrayed spouse.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10718   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8686035
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 10:42 PM on Saturday, August 28th, 2021

What worked for me was 1) feeling my feelings, 2) I refused to let my W ruin my whole life, and 3) nurturing self-talk and IC.

I use IC sessions and alone time to express feelings, especially grief and anger. I parked the car on quiet streets to cry or scream or tell myself life would get better. (I had gone through a lot of therapy before d-day occurred.)

Don't compare your process to anyone else's. You will almost definitely do some healing slower than the rest of us - and you'll do some healing faster. You'll accept some behavior from your H that nobody else would - and you'll object totally to some behavior that the rest of us think is normal, maybe even positive.

Although you're unique, one thing you can't get away from is that healing takes more time than anyone thinks it should. The SI rule of thumb is 2-5 years to recover. Many of us who R take longer than that. But life isn't all down in the dumps. Most SIers report feeling better as time goes on.

I'm really sorry you feel so awful now. Hang in, though - this is part of healing.

*****

You say, 'So much hate spews from my mouth.' How do you do that? If you attack your H out of anger, grief, shame, or fear, I suggest telling him what you feel instead. For example, if you are about to call him an SOB for cheating, try 'I'm furious that you cheated,' in a way that shows your fury. I found that very satisfying. If your H is remorseful, that will get through in a different way than 'You SOB!'

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26146   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8686038
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ISurvivedSoFar ( member #56915) posted at 12:32 AM on Sunday, August 29th, 2021

Do what you need to do to make yourself feel better. Don't rely on your WS to do anything for you. That's where we may get tripped up because we thought we were a team and could totally rely on each other but this tells us something very different. While it is true you may be able to build something again job number one is getting through this and working on processing the extreme trauma so you can come out on the other end. This is your journey and you need to take where it suits you best - not where it suits your WS nor where it suits another BS. Remember every decision you make is valid.

Are you in IC? I highly suggest you find one that specializes on helping with trauma of betrayal.

Lastly none of this is your fault. Hang onto that notion as you work through and process. And keep coming here or wherever you need to get understanding and support.

DDay Nov '16
Me: BS, a.k.a. MommaDom, Him: WS
2 DD's: one adult, one teen,1 DS: adult
Surviving means we promise ourselves we will get to the point where we can receive love and give love again.

posts: 2598   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2017
id 8686049
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 AllIam (original poster new member #79188) posted at 1:32 AM on Sunday, August 29th, 2021

We're closing in on 2 years from Dday. There were several months of trickle truth though. I think I'm frozen with fear because I don't want to get hurt again. I just can't handle this level of pain another time around. I don't *think* he'd do it again, but then again I never really knew the real him. I only thought I did. I used to joke that I knew him better than he knew himself.

I'm also frozen because of the unknown. Everything I thought was concrete in my life has been obliterated. I don't know how to proceed and I can't make decisions because I don't trust my own emotions. I keep 'what if'ing my self to death---Over analyzing everything.

Thank you so much for the encouragement. It means so much to hear calm voices from those who have been in my shoes.

posts: 30   ·   registered: Jul. 28th, 2021
id 8686052
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Sadismynewname ( member #63897) posted at 3:01 AM on Sunday, August 29th, 2021

Every word you wrote I also said and did. I loved my husband so much and I feel like I was nothing. I am three years out and the anger has subsided most of the time. They make your life a lie. I don’t really think you ever truly get back what was robbed from you but you go on with life one day at a time. I too find one thing, one moment a day to be happy again. I can now go most days without that overwhelming feeling of sadness. I’ve l gradually gotten better. Here’s a hug from someone who has been there.

[This message edited by Sadismynewname at 3:03 AM, Sunday, August 29th]

posts: 163   ·   registered: May. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Northwest
id 8686054
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 5:21 AM on Sunday, August 29th, 2021

If you don’t want to feel "at risk" again — and this worked for me — have an exit plan in place.

Money, counselor, attorney or access to an attorney, trusted friends and family and a religious person if you are involved in an organized religion.

If you have enough money in your account and a plan, you can leave him if needed. It’s like a safety net. If you don’t need it then you are lucky to have it. If you do need then you don’t have to stay married if he cheated again. You can just leave him.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10718   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8686063
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Hopeful30 ( member #44618) posted at 5:31 AM on Sunday, August 29th, 2021

So sorry that you are having to go through this. It sucks.

Since you just started on your antidepressant med, you should reach out to your doctor to discuss your suicidal feelings, as those are sometimes side effects, and your meds may need to be adjusted or changed.

BS: Me
In reconciliation.
I edit for spelling and clarity
"Do or do not, there is no try." - Yoda

posts: 1027   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2014   ·   location: West Coast
id 8686065
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ISurvivedSoFar ( member #56915) posted at 1:31 PM on Sunday, August 29th, 2021

I agree with The1stWife. Once I had a plan in place, i.e., a post-nup in my case, I felt a lot better and more in control. The control helped me get back that sense of having a foundation underneath the life that was stolen.

Perhaps this will work for you as well? It took me a couple of years to get that in place but it was definitely a turning point for me. It can put us in a place where we know that no matter what happens, we are safe even if we are still emotionally vulnerable the other things can be stable.

Big hugs to you!

[This message edited by ISurvivedSoFar at 7:32 AM, August 29th (Sunday)]

DDay Nov '16
Me: BS, a.k.a. MommaDom, Him: WS
2 DD's: one adult, one teen,1 DS: adult
Surviving means we promise ourselves we will get to the point where we can receive love and give love again.

posts: 2598   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2017
id 8686080
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HouseOfPlane ( member #45739) posted at 2:44 PM on Sunday, August 29th, 2021

If any of you felt this low, how were you able to claw your way out of the darkness?

Give the book "Deep Survival" a look. It has the "12 rules of survival". They're written for people trapped in the jungle or lost at sea, but I hope you agree they apply here. My bold on the ones I think especially important.

1. Perceive and Believe
Don’t fall into the deadly trap of denial or of immobilizing fear. Admit it: You’re really in trouble and you’re going to have to get yourself out.

2. Stay Calm – Use Your Anger
In the initial crisis, survivors are not ruled by fear; instead, they make use of it. Their fear often feels like (and turns into) anger, which motivates them and makes them feel sharper.

3. Think, Analyze, and Plan
Survivors quickly organize, set up routines, and institute discipline.

4. Take Correct, Decisive Action
Survivors are willing to take risks to save themselves and others. But they are simultaneously bold and cautious in what they will do.

5. Celebrate your success
Survivors take great joy from even their smallest successes. This helps keep motivation high and prevents a lethal plunge into hopelessness. It also provides relief from the unspeakable strain of a life-threatening situation.

6. Be a Rescuer, Not a Victim
Survivors are always doing what they do for someone else, even if that someone is thousands of miles away. There are numerous strategies for doing this.

7. Enjoy the Survival Journey
It may seem counterintuitive, but even in the worst circumstances, survivors find something to enjoy, some way to play and laugh.

8. See the Beauty
Survivors are attuned to the wonder of their world, especially in the face of mortal danger. The appreciation of beauty, the feeling of awe, opens the senses to the environment.

9. Believe That You Will Succeed
It is at this point, following what I call "the vision," that the survivor’s will to live becomes firmly fixed.

10. Surrender
Yes you might die. In fact, you will die — we all do. But perhaps it doesn’t have to be today. Don’t let it worry you. Forget about rescue. Everything you need is inside you already.

11. Do Whatever Is Necessary
Survivors have a reason to live and are willing to bet everything on themselves. They have what psychologists call meta-knowledge: They know their abilities and do not over or underestimate them. They believe that anything is possible and act accordingly.

12. Never Give Up
Survivors are not easily discouraged by setbacks. They accept that the environment is constantly changing and know that they must adapt. When they fall, they pick themselves up and start the entire process over again, breaking it down into manageable bits.

DDay 1986: R'd, it was hard, hard work.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?”
― Mary Oliver

posts: 2732   ·   registered: Nov. 25th, 2014
id 8686084
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Oldwounds ( member #54486) posted at 3:38 PM on Sunday, August 29th, 2021

We're closing in on 2 years from Dday.

Ah. Yeah, that was my absolute worst moments — the bottom of my spiral was at 2 years.

At that point I wasn’t sure no matter what either of us did we were not going to be able to salvage any kind of real relationship out of the wreckage.

I think that’s when I truly let go out of the outcome. And that’s the key to my comeback. I would either stay or go and I would be okay either way.

And I think big key for you is finding a way to trust that you be okay regardless. Which is a goal you can aim for, at your own pace.

Again, you found strength to post here and look for a path through this Hell, that’s a great start.

Married 34+ years, together 40+ years
Two awesome adult sons.
Dday 6/16 4-year LTA Survived
Restoration takes time.
"Circumstances don't make the man, they only reveal him to himself." ― Epictetus

posts: 4194   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2016   ·   location: PNW. The adventure continues.
id 8686094
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hardtomove ( member #68757) posted at 10:31 PM on Sunday, August 29th, 2021

The BS have all felt this way. For a long time all I could think about was the affair. It consumed my every waking moment. At first I could barely function. Just to work and back. I no longer felt worth anything. No self confidence, no heart, I just could'nt make sense of what had happened. I could not wrap my head around the betrayal, the length of the LTA and why. I can now see you must go through all the stages of grief. It just takes time and a lot of work.

posts: 177   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018
id 8686141
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veryhurt2018 ( member #65877) posted at 3:23 AM on Monday, August 30th, 2021

I sent you at PM! Hope you received it!!

Me-BW(51)Him-SAWH(60)D-Day: 5/9/18 followed by trickle truth for 12 months

posts: 145   ·   registered: Aug. 18th, 2018   ·   location: California
id 8686174
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gmc94 ( member #62810) posted at 4:46 AM on Monday, August 30th, 2021

If any of you felt this low, how were you able to claw your way out of the darkness

for a LONG time I basically had the suicide prevention number on speeddial/webpage bookmarked.

Rick Hansen's book Resilient also helped a lot (about finding/incorporating joy and nothing to do with infidelity), along with guided meditation.

I'm not in R, but I felt a TON better once I really focused on emotionally detaching. Some say that's not a good thing for R, but my WH is not R material, so my personal experience may differ. I needed to get my head out of my M and out of trying to figure out my WH, and detaching was the only thing that helped. I switched my focus from my WH & M to MYSELF.

Right as I began year four, I got a new job that pays enough for me to walk, and that also helped me quite a bit.

Personally, the anger also kind of dissipated once I detached. I think I'd accepted that I can't change the past, but it took me awhile to "get" that I also can't change my WH. I realized that he had not, as Brene Brown would say, EARNED the right to my story... or feelings. I had to remove him and all traces of him from anything that looks like an emotional support system (including WRT the A - I stopped bringing it up around year 3- maybe earlier). He's just not a safe partner and I'm not interested in a M in which vulnerability only goes one-way. Today, I may vent about something that is wholly unrelated to him (eg work), but that's the extent of it. Again, he's not R material, so that may differ with a WS who actually gets it and is really digging in and doing the work. In any event, that's what has helped me.

Also- pay close attention to the meds. My Dr gave me an Rx for something that INCREASED my suicidal thoughts shocked
I felt a heckuva lot better when I was off of them, so you may want to look back and see if the Rx has made things feel worse and check with your dr.

Godspeed

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

posts: 3439   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2018
id 8686178
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bookworm19 ( member #54871) posted at 9:53 AM on Monday, August 30th, 2021

If any of you felt this low, how were you able to claw your way out of the darkness?

Yes, I felt this low, I guess we all did. My clawing back was one breath at a time, one heartbeat at a time, and then, after a while, I could do 10 breaths at a time. I told myslef, you don't have to survive the next 10, 20 years, you just have to survive until the next breath, and then the next. And here I am... It will get better, just breath. When the pain was all consuming and overwhelming and I wanted to die, to hurt myself, I went back to basics, to breathing. You just have to come to the next breath, living in the now, nothing else helped me.

Big hug, you will get trough this

English is not my language, sorry for mistakes and funny words...

posts: 445   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2016   ·   location: Europe
id 8686188
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cgreene ( member #55644) posted at 2:24 PM on Monday, August 30th, 2021

I talked to pretty much anyone who would listen- I must have bored friends to death but it helped me.
I did my own thing for a long time- went out or to stay with friends a lot just to give myself time to not think about him and 'her, except of course when I was bending their ear about it but that was therapeutic unlike the semi regular meltdowns I had with my WH at that point.

Find sth to distract your thoughts- the company of friends, funny films, beautiful landscapes, exercise, taking the kids on trips, volunteering, sing in a choir.... anything that works for you to give your brain and body a rest from the constant thoughts. I asked him to stay with his sister for a day or two a week after our initial 6mth separation for another 6-9mths when I needed headspace.

It will get better, it will be incremental but as Old Wounds said you will suddenly realise you've had a good day and not thought about it. The next day you may be plunged back into anger and sadness but these days will slowly increase in number and the low days will get less difficult.

With or without him it will get better, not the same- some things will be better than before the A, some worse and some just different but the trauma will lessen and you will feel better than you do now.
It seems hopeless, we all understand that feeling, it's not x

posts: 59   ·   registered: Oct. 17th, 2016   ·   location: uk
id 8686200
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