Opinions on monogamy following divorce after infidelity?
Some may find this subject TRIGGERY so to start with here's a health warning to those starting out on their new relationship journeys. I do not wish to cause anyone any more pain!!
Maybe this thread would be better in General (Mods please feel free to move or even delete) but I'm interested in how those who have been through the trauma of infidelity and have eventually come out the other side now feel about the concept of monogamy and whether their beliefs have changed at all as a result of being cheated on as they start new relationships, particularly those who were in long term marriages and are of a certain age!
I'm much more interested in opinions from BS's but remorseful and reconciling WS's thoughts are welcome also as are those who have found a path going forward that doesn't embrace the concept of monogamy in their relationship(s).
From my own perspective the deep betrayal 6 years ago following a 25 year relationship, certainly made me think deeply about this subject and how I can (maybe?) protect myself from ever experiencing this kind of pain ever again. (I have been and still am monogamous in all my relationships).
This is all very subjective so I hope we will respect other's opinions that might differ from our own on this personal and sensitive issue.
15 comments posted: Thursday, September 30th, 2021
As a BS was there a healthier way of dealing with betrayal?
Amongst other relationship issues I’ve been thinking about recently, I do wonder as a former BS whether there was an emotionally healthier and more mature way to have reacted to the devastating pain I felt on D-day and beyond.
I suspect like many on here who suddenly discover their spouse's infidelity out of the blue, I became an emotional, physical and mental wreck. I was utterly distraught, depressed and inconsolable. My very being was under attack! I look back on the worst 6 months of my life following D-day and wonder, had I been more emotionally intelligent and maybe ‘wiser’ whether I could have saved myself some of the worst trauma and devastation I went through.
Is there a better way to cope with the pain and trauma of infidelity where it’s not inevitable that we totally fall to pieces? And what does it tell us about ourselves when we do? How had we allowed our self esteem/self worth to plummet so far that we even sometimes considered life was not worth living any longer following discovery? Is emotional resilience something that we’re all born with to different degrees depending on our genetics and upbringing? Do we need to learn to be less sensitive to others words/actions and not take things so personally?
Just throwing some thoughts out there.
Edited to add...former wayward spouses very welcome to weigh in as well.
[This message edited by sillyoldsod at 8:40 AM, July 2nd (Friday)]
26 comments posted: Friday, July 2nd, 2021
Question about police shootings in the US.
My intention by starting this thread is NOT to turn this into a political debate. I'm from the UK where our history and gun culture is very different to the US where I understand in many states citizens are allowed to routinely carry firearms and it's not my wish to turn this into a 'we're right, you're wrong' slanging match.
I'm more interested in the protocol when US police officers are faced with an armed individual, whether they be armed with a gun, a knife, or basically any potentially lethal item.
As I understand it police do not intentionally shoot to incapacitate a suspect but are trained to shoot to kill.
My main question is therefore do those armed individuals (or at least those who are not so mentally ill that they are totally irrational) understand that if they do not comply with police instructions it is highly likely that they will end up being shot and killed? I do realise a proportion of offenders commit 'suicide by cop'.
I've recently watched several graphic videos of incidents involving the police that have ended with the criminal being shot dead because they didn't comply.
Secondly, is it regarded as an accepted and inevitable outcome by the law abiding general public that if an armed individual does not comply with police commands to drop a potentially lethal weapon then the individual will likely lose his or her life and deservedly so?
35 comments posted: Tuesday, May 4th, 2021
Struggling with cynicism. Any suggestions?
Not a 'new beginning' as such as I'm engaged to be married, having met my lovely partner over 3 years ago.
However, I'm really struggling with relationship/marriage cynicism. I think I've always had a cynical outlook on life and people generally having spent 30 years in law enforcement!
Being a BS I am painfully aware that whilst things may be fantastic 'in the moment', individuals change and relationships change and no BS wants to be made a fool of...again! I guess cynicism stems from a lack of trust which comes from one's experience of life and people over time.
I'm also having an internal battle between my acceptance of empowered, independent, strong, modern women (who I love!) and yet at the same time those same women having conveniently 'old fashioned' ideas about men's roles in society and in relationships.
I'm not sure I'm making much sense but if anyone has any thoughts or reading suggestions on how to try to overcome cynicism please post away.
3 comments posted: Tuesday, October 13th, 2020
'Attached' by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller
Having just finished this book I've started to read it again from start to finish.
Many books on 'Attachment theory' can be quite dry and scholarly whereas this book deals with the issues on a practical everyday level. It helps you to determine your own attachment style as well as identifying attachment styles of others and how to connect better with partners with potentially very different comfort levels of intimacy.
For those on here (most likely all of us?) with either anxious or avoidant attachment styles (or both!) this book is worth it's weight in gold, particularly to those either in reconciliation or starting their 'new beginnings'.
It would be interesting to read feedback on this book from others on here.
6 comments posted: Friday, March 6th, 2015