So, I'm at the end of that 2-5yrs time frame that I have read about so many times. It seemed like forever when I first read it, how could I possibly survive that long...
With 10 years of lies I was always going to be at the far end of the healing time frame and even now I wouldn't say I was there. Can you ever completely heal from what feels like the loss of so many years of your life? I have deleted and thrown away any photo I've found with him in it from those years. They were the years our kids were growing up and I cherish them for that reason but try to cut him out of my memories of them. If anyone mentions sth that happened during those years the first thing I think was 'he was with her then'. I feel sad and angry but can usually shrug it off these days. We were having a conversation about forgiveness the other day and I said that I would never forgive him for what he has done but that everyday I stay is an act of forgiveness.
Have I made the right decision in staying with my WH? Honestly, I don't know, I don't think I'll ever know if this is the best thing for me to have done for the ultimate happiness of both of us and I have questioned it many times along the way. Under the circumstances how could I not?
I still struggle with shame about staying after such a betrayal and for being deceived for so long and have to work hard not to imagine what people say and think about us Yoga, meditation, talking to friends, walking in hills (god I'm missing hills during lockdown our area is soooo flat), swimming in the sea all helps.
I think I am happier with him than I would be without him so, 5 years later I am still here. Generally things are good, some things are better - sulking is a thing of the past, we talk through stuff. He struggles with emotional intimacy but is getting better and has learnt to be proactive about things. He came up to me the morning of the 5 yr anniversary of DD with a poem he'd written for me and an apology.
Meltdowns are much rarer, (even a year ago they were still fairly regular) but never as angry and desperate as they were during the first 18mths and WH no longer shuts down in shame like he used to.
My WH never blamed me for any of what he did and has always been remorseful and admitted it all straight way. I know that he wouldn't talk to her after I found out because she contacted me to tell me that I should let him talk to her before he went back to work (he was signed off work for 3 weeks after I kicked him out)Naturally, I told her to f**k off. I wouldn't contemplate him coming back to live at home until he moved jobs.
He says she bullied and threatened him and he can't remember ever wanting to be with her and yes, I know how that sounds. He remembers very little about how it started and what he felt at the time. I know how convenient that sounds, I have pointed that out to him endlessly and not always very calmly. The lack of memories and that he may be lying to me about this has been one of the hardest things to deal with and he knows that it has been a major stumbling block to R. I have to accept that I will never be absolutely sure that he is not lying.
A recent thread asked a question about whether or not to tell people. I couldn't not, I had to talk and talk about it. I regret telling some people, mainly because they told others who I did not want to know but for me it was necessary for my mental survival, it was how I coped in those first few raw months.
For me a period of separation was essential and we were lucky he could go to his sister so didn't have money worries. I wish I had insisted on being there when he rang her to tell her I had found out - that is a big regret. At the time I didn't want to know anything about her, I couldn't bear to think about her but now wish I knew more.
Anyway I've gone on a bit - this is one of the reasons I don't post very often, there is just too much to say to write it all down and I get overwhelmed by it all.
9 comments posted: Wednesday, March 3rd, 2021
Its not the first time I've heard sth similar and god it hurts. It seems so unfair that because you make the bloody hard decision to stay with someone for the myriad of reasons there are to stay people think less of you. I know deep down that I shouldn't care what other people think but it makes me feel ashamed and stupid and needy and I hate that and then I feel angry towards my WH that his actions make me feel this way and this morning (when we had the day off and should have been having a nice day together) spent an hour going down the stupid rabbit hole together. Ughhh.
Sorry, just a vent. One good thing to come out of this whole sorry mess is that I have so much more empathy for people and would never judge someone for staying or leaving. I just wish I could stop the pain when I hear other people's judgements.
[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:23 AM, February 19th (Friday)]
7 comments posted: Friday, February 19th, 2021