Something will always be missing
I haven't committed to reconciliation, and the thought of doing so makes me feel rebellious. I know myself well enough to know that no matter how well things go between us I will always be haunted by what he did. We lost something special, and it kills me to know how easily he disregarded it. Often I hear encouraging words telling us that things do get better, and in some cases are better than before. (I absolutely DO NOT believe that things could be better after knowing that he lived a double life, lied to me, and risked everything for moments with trashy, meaningless women. There is no erasing that kind of knowledge or betrayal. I don't want to be in therapy for the rest of my life, I just want to be happy and a blessing to those around me. Now I am a miserable, depressed wreck of a person.
I started having different feelings towards him this week. I began seriously questioning why I would even want to continue in a marriage with someone who was capable of such things. Everything he did started to annoy me. His parenting, the noises he made, the things he does, and even the sight of him got under my skin and I felt incredibly irritable towards him. I've never felt like that before. What if all this has been too much? What if I'm falling out of love with him?
I have found myself thinking more and more about starting over. I would take a huge financial hit, and would probably even have to struggle for quite a while. I would lose my husband as well as some of the most precious things in my life if I walk away. These are things that defined me and made me who I am today--things I poured my heart and soul into ...things that I loved. Leaving would mean laying that part of my life down and never looking back. I would be grieving more than just the loss of my husband.
What if someone else is out there? What if I'm missing out on a better relationship because I'm staying in one that has been destroyed? I have found myself imagining better days with someone new. Someone who really values me. Maybe a new life full of brand new adventures and happiness is waiting around the corner if I just have the courage to go after it. What if it could be better than I ever imagined? I know I'll never completely trust anyone again because that's what infidelity does to you, but it would be a fresh start without heavy baggage. Yes, they could cheat too, but there's always the chance that they won't, and I wouldn't have to be ashamed of staying with a man who made such disgusting choices. I could hold my head high and show everyone in my life that cheating is unacceptable.
But what if I go and I crumble. What if I'm alone and in financial ruin for the rest of my life? What if I have to work until I fall into my death bed because I wasn't prepared for this? I have no retirement savings for myself--I never planned to get a divorce. I'm sure I'll be entitled to some of his, but who knows if it will be enough. What if I never find that special person to have by my side to do all the things I ever wanted to do? What if my life is reduced to striving to pay bills and emptiness with nothing else to look forward too.
My family isn't supporting the marriage anymore. He's had too many chances to make things right, and they were ready to forgive, but his continued lies, minimization, and stubbornness has turned them away. They are not saying it out loud, but I can read them loud and clear, and it makes me feel stupid for staying. I know they'll never fully respect or accept him again.
He is kind to me, and always has been (unless my triggers or the topic of infidelity takes over our conversation). He is a good supporter, we enjoy doing the same things, we laugh together, and share the same beliefs. He says he is a new man and that he is so ashamed of who he was. BUT....is that enough? What if he did it again? I don't think he would, but if he did it before, I know he's capable. This isn't what I signed up for. There will always be a wedge between us (that I will keep there, because I always believed that cheating was a deal breaker). I'll never look at him the way I did before or be able to forget all the horrible things he did.
I am writing this in hopes that someone will give that brilliant piece of advice that makes the light bulb turn on, but in reality, I know the decision is mine and mine alone. I'm just so frustrated with my inability to take some kind of decisive action. What if I'm wasting too much time trying to decide? There are so many what if's! I could literally write pages of them. I hate him for putting me in this position!
8 comments posted: Tuesday, March 22nd, 2022
Emdr-is this how its supposed to be?
I have done EMDR, because I have some major trauma and triggers to work through, but haven't finished with it. I don't like it, its expensive ($200.00 per session), and I feel silly doing it. I went weekly in the beginning and the cost added up quickly. I sit on a couch with fluffy pillows and have a buzzer in each hand. I'm supposed to simultaneously follow the lights with my eyes while I am asked questions about my childhood and how it makes me feel. I see how my husbands betrayal poured salt in my childhood wounds (I knew that before I went in), but talking about it makes me squirm and feels unproductive.
I can always see where the questions are leading and why. I already know the answers to the questions and the things I say are just common sense knowledge of how experience A effects my reaction/feelings to experience B.
I'd rather be focusing on the current triggers and emotions that I'm having. For example: how to remain un-triggered, calm, and confident when I'm in public with my serial cheating husband who took advantage of every size, color, age, and type of woman who was receptive to him.
Is this how is supposed to be? Am I just being impatient with the process? I don't want to waste money on something that isn't really helping. I have been taking a break from it for a while and am thinking of not going back. We have spent a fortune on counseling for both of us, online courses, and EMDR. Sometimes it feels like we're just throwing money into the wind.
What if its not working because I'll never recover from that depth of betrayal?
(He wants to make it work more than anything and is trying to convince me to stay in the marriage forever)
12 comments posted: Tuesday, February 22nd, 2022
My grief is all consuming
I'm in such a dark place right now. I feel like a horrible person. I'm so bitter and angry that I can't even function. I hate him for ruining my life. For not treasuring what we had. For making me believe that he was head over heels in love with me for our entire 20 years of marriage. He took away my rights to choose and stole my youth. My memories of the past are all a bunch of lies.
He wants our marriage more than anything now, but I can't stop yelling at him. So much hate spews out of my mouth. I know I'm pushing him away, and I don't seem to care. Nothing he says or does is going to help me feel better. I really want to leave, but I just can't let go because I loved him so much!
I'm going to IC, have started antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds. Nothing seems to help. If anything I feel like I'm getting worse.
I keep thinking about googling the easiest ways to commit suicide. I'm not that kind of person--I'm too logical to hurt myself, so why these thoughts? I'm angry that I let someone completely destroy me. Nobody should have that kind of power over my heart. It makes me feel so weak.
My self worth is non existent. Yes it was all his fault and he was messed up in the head, but if he loved me he would never have risked losing me.
I desperately want to feel better. I am in awe of the strong betrayeds on here that are able to move past it. The ones who still love themselves for who they are. I want to believe in myself like that, but I'm frozen with fear and weighed down by sorrow.
I've tried doing the things I once loved doing, but I have to force it. I don't enjoy anything anymore. I go through the motions with my kids and look forward to the night when I can be alone. I'm just stewing in a pot of grief.
If any of you felt this low, how were you able to claw your way out of the darkness?
25 comments posted: Friday, August 27th, 2021
New career ideas
I've been dependent on my husband as a stay at home wife and mother. Since the day I found out about his betrayals I've felt the need to look out for myself. This means I need to step up and make my own income. Whether I stay or leave I want to be fiercely independent.
I'll probably need to go back to school, because the career path I chose early in my marriage isn't going to support myself and children if I end up divorced.
I'm open to suggestions. What careers pay well and take little time to achieve? I like the health care industry, but can't spend spend too much time or money education. I'm in my mid 40's. At this point, I'm looking at any and all options.
17 comments posted: Thursday, August 5th, 2021