Unconventional ways to soothe your broken self
I don't know that anything can ever patch up the gaping wound that my husband intentionally cut into my back (and heart). I feel like a discarded tissue on the ground. Stomped and smashed into the rain soaked sidewalk.
I can't shake the feelings that made it so personal to me. He chose so many other women over me--knowing what it would do to us. He knew how devastating it would be to me, and he didn't care enough to behave himself. He lusted after women who didn't look like me, and perfect bodied porn stars. If they weren't so attractive to him, he wouldn't be chasing them. What was I? Chopped liver??
I said all that to say this. I'm thinking about having my boobs done. There's nothing really wrong with them. They aren't particularly small, but they have seen a few years and nursed children. I can't think of a better pick me up than to have perfect boobs. Not for him, but for myself! If I have to walk away from his cheating, lying a**, then he'll have to watch them bounce and be all perky on my way out the door. Maybe the next man who comes along will truly love me for who I am and the boobs will just be an added bonus.
I don't mean this post to be triggering, hopefully more of a place to share things we did, reasonable or not that helped soothe the deep wounds of betrayal.
I'm really hurting today. Not much can lift my spirits, I just need a good distraction from my new reality.
6 comments posted: Friday, October 22nd, 2021
Preparing for full disclosure
We've been through a false disclosure and a botched polygraph on our own without the help of experts. He withheld a lot, and now it's time to air that mess out.
Going forward, I know he'll be guided through the preparation.
Then comes another d day.
My therapist (who is amazing) will be there as well as his.
What can I really expect though? Will I just sit there trying to control my emotions as he reads through a long list of betrayals?
I don't like to show emotions in public, so I imagine the whole thing will be suffocating. What happens after I hear it? Am I supposed to react? Say something? Sink through the floor?
Trivial, I know, but what to wear? Leggings and sneakers so I can roll into a ball and wish for a quick death? Or something that says I'm beautiful, way too good for you, and look at what you gave up for meaningless sex with whores.
All these questions I can ask the therapist, but I'd like to hear some first hand experiences too.
9 comments posted: Thursday, October 14th, 2021
My grief is all consuming
I'm in such a dark place right now. I feel like a horrible person. I'm so bitter and angry that I can't even function. I hate him for ruining my life. For not treasuring what we had. For making me believe that he was head over heels in love with me for our entire 20 years of marriage. He took away my rights to choose and stole my youth. My memories of the past are all a bunch of lies.
He wants our marriage more than anything now, but I can't stop yelling at him. So much hate spews out of my mouth. I know I'm pushing him away, and I don't seem to care. Nothing he says or does is going to help me feel better. I really want to leave, but I just can't let go because I loved him so much!
I'm going to IC, have started antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds. Nothing seems to help. If anything I feel like I'm getting worse.
I keep thinking about googling the easiest ways to commit suicide. I'm not that kind of person--I'm too logical to hurt myself, so why these thoughts? I'm angry that I let someone completely destroy me. Nobody should have that kind of power over my heart. It makes me feel so weak.
My self worth is non existent. Yes it was all his fault and he was messed up in the head, but if he loved me he would never have risked losing me.
I desperately want to feel better. I am in awe of the strong betrayeds on here that are able to move past it. The ones who still love themselves for who they are. I want to believe in myself like that, but I'm frozen with fear and weighed down by sorrow.
I've tried doing the things I once loved doing, but I have to force it. I don't enjoy anything anymore. I go through the motions with my kids and look forward to the night when I can be alone. I'm just stewing in a pot of grief.
If any of you felt this low, how were you able to claw your way out of the darkness?
25 comments posted: Friday, August 27th, 2021
Something in another post brought something to mind that has been churning around in my head.
Do unfaithful spouses see the betrayed's pain as weakness? Is it a turnoff? Do they wish for another life now that they see the destruction they've brought to the one they're currently living? Wouldn't they just rather move on to someone who respects and admires them? Someone who doesn't have to carry a heavy burden?
I ask because I'm destroyed. I'm in a deep dark funk and I'm not the same person I was. I don't think I'll ever be the same again. I'm miserable, crying nearly all the time, feeling insecure, unattractive, and unwanted.
I pull myself together in front of our children, but that's all I can manage. I look at my husband and wonder why he stays. He never loved me enough to be faithful when things were good, so why stay now that things have gotten ugly. I'd ask him this question, but I'm sure he'll just gloss it over by telling me how much he loves me. Then I'll think to myself, if you really loved me you wouldn't have cheated in the first place.
3 comments posted: Thursday, August 12th, 2021
Common theme amongst betrayed women
I feel like so many of us betrayed women go through this. After my husband's multiple affairs, I just don't feel beautiful anymore. Not pretty or even cute. I feel so unwanted.
We hear over and over that it's not our fault, and many point out that even the most attractive movie stars have dirt bag husbands that just can't be satisfied. I know it was his sick problem, but it has made me feel so insecure. All I can think about is how attracted he must have been to the women he was with. It's a deep gut wound and I can't stop the bleeding.
Sometimes I think the only way to feel good about myself again is to leave his cheating ass far behind me.
17 comments posted: Friday, August 6th, 2021
New career ideas
I've been dependent on my husband as a stay at home wife and mother. Since the day I found out about his betrayals I've felt the need to look out for myself. This means I need to step up and make my own income. Whether I stay or leave I want to be fiercely independent.
I'll probably need to go back to school, because the career path I chose early in my marriage isn't going to support myself and children if I end up divorced.
I'm open to suggestions. What careers pay well and take little time to achieve? I like the health care industry, but can't spend spend too much time or money education. I'm in my mid 40's. At this point, I'm looking at any and all options.
17 comments posted: Thursday, August 5th, 2021
I've been so isolated
I'm still in the bloody aftermath that happens after infidelity. My husband cheated for years behind my back. It has been such a shock for me to find out that our 20 year marriage was a sham. I don't even know where to begin to put myself back together again. He hurt me, I fear, beyond repair.
I've been knocked down hard and I'm realizing how isolated I allowed myself to be. I don't even have friends to support me. He was my world and I put all my eggs into his basket. I wish I hadn't made him the center of my universe. I feel like such a fool. I don't even know how to make friends anymore, and now doesn't seem like a good time considering all the emotional baggage I'm carrying. I feel so alone. Thankful for this forum though.
15 comments posted: Monday, August 2nd, 2021