BH (late 40s)
WW (late 40s) EA 2008, EA/probably PA 2009
Confessed the first, I caught her the second.
R only in as much as we'll stick it out. Too late to start over.
Broken relationship with kids
I saw my new IC last week...went ok. But I find it interesting that I often feel relatively ok before going to an IC, and then it feels like the wounds are reopened during counseling...
The conversation went in an interesting and uncomfortable direction regarding my kids.
My kids were a toddler, preschooler, a tween, and early teens during WW's affairs.
Oldest knew about WW's first affair, suspected the second.
The 2 middle kids didn't know about the affairs, but they witnessed the severe abuse by WW against me during the affairs and in the year that followed DDay #2.
They would stay away from her.
They did not feel comfortable around her.
They would cry that I should kick her out of the house when she went berserk.
They were under no illusion that mommy and daddy were fighting - they saw...KNEW... that mommy was going off the rails.
At no point did they tolerate her behavior and openly expressed how terrible they found it. You could say they were firmly in my corner as they never saw me respond or retaliate. I was the only sane adult in their lives, practically a single dad for 2-3 years.
So then WW woke up from the fog and became incredibly remorseful, at least in terms of consistent words and behavior (though she refuses to disclose affair details - my only remaining gripe with her that continues to cause me issues).
As time has gone on, it seems to me that memories of WW's behavior have faded for my kids. WW has become a loving and engaged mommy again. That is fine by me.
EXCEPT that now, they "remember" that Mommy AND Daddy used to fight. Now "WE" had problems. Somehow, I am now at fault, according to my kids.
The older 2 kids bore the brunt of the insanity - saw first hand how WW behaved. Both went to counseling for years and seemed to be back on track. But as young adults, they have really gone off the rails. They exhibit the same dysfunctional behaviors that WW and her siblings had as teens and young adults (MIL pulled the same crap on FIL).
Part of this disfunction is the a broken relationship with me. My son says I am not a man for putting up with WW's behavior. His level of disrespect reached a point that I finally threw him out and cut him off. Don't talk to him, and frankly, no longer care.
My daughter is like v2.0 of WW's younger years and can really be an ass. I am about to jettison her from my life as well.
IC has stated that I appear to be taking out my anger for WW's behavior on my kids in that I tolerated SO MUCH from her and kept her around; but for the older kids, my threshold is VERY low and I am willing to cut them out of my life. IC finds this interesting since I initially appeared to sacrifice so much to keep the family together for the kids.
On the other hand, I have a very good relationship with the 2 younger kids - typical parent child conflicts, nothing out of the ordinary or concerning to me. I find myself so protective of the younger 2. At the same time, I am so deeply disappointed in the older 2 that I am willing to never see them again (not kidding!).
Now I am questioning my reasons for keeping the family together. Maybe I wasn't as noble as I thought - perhaps it was selfish reasons only and now that the older kids don't need daddy, they see that as well...? Am I being selfish again now that they are no longer sympathetic to me? I would like to say "no" in that I tolerated this from them for a good 5 or so years before getting sick of it. But, the new IC really has me questioning myself...
[This message edited by LostOpportunities20 at 12:58 PM, September 21st (Tuesday)]
16 comments posted: Tuesday, September 21st, 2021
"It was really about WW, not you"
"It was really about WW, not you"
W.T.F does that really mean?
We've been seeing a MC for a few months now, and something she keeps bringing up my regarding my pain since WW's extra curricular activities with OM1 and OM2.
MC says it was not about me or any lack in me - it was about WW's issues.
And WW sits there nodding her head in agreement.
And I want to SCREAAAAAM!!!!
It wasn't about me? What the flipping zippididoodaa does it matter who it was about with regard to the pain I feel? It was certainly done TO me (not to mention the kids)! Who gives a shit whether it was about me or not. Is it somehow not supposed to hurt if it was about WW's own issues and demons?
Am I over-reacting? This really struck a nerve with me.
84 comments posted: Monday, August 23rd, 2021