Newest Member: weirdsituation


BH (late 40s) WW (late 40s) EA 2008, EA/probably PA 2009

Confessed the first, I caught her the second.

Not sure what to call it, but I guess we're in R.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder? Even for WW?

So...still no D yet.

WW and I have been separated (nothing legal, just voluntary on advice of attorney) since last year.

I stayed home with the kids and WW moved out.

She lived with her mother for a few months until they had a falling out. She is now with her brother. She has started working - not quite making enough to support herself, but that is a start after being a SAHM for 25 years. I still handle most of her finances (car, cellphone, medical/insurance, miscellaneous).

Our separation has been with NC other than communications about kids, medical, or finances. And that is done mostly over text or via email. I have not seen her other than glances nor have I actually spoken with her other than a handful of times early on during separation regarding logistics with the kids.

She has respected my request of NC (with the noted exceptions).

The reason for this situation...I was rushing headlong into D, but my attorney slammed the brakes and told me to cool my heels for a bit. Basically told me I was angry and needed to cool down before making life altering decisions. It was her suggestion that we try separation for the following reasons:

1) save on legal fees for the time being
2) test out the financial burden of supporting 2 households
3) see if the reality of being apart changed my and WW's perspectives about each other and if I was really ready to call it quits or if she really wanted to stay with me.

The separation was only supposed to last 6 months or so, but 6 months came and went and we were at 10 months in June.

The last year has been decidedly "meh" for me with regard to how I view the marriage and WW. I haven't really found emotional or mental...healing? I did not miss WW. In fact, I never really thought about her other than times we had to interact. I focused on work and the kids. Volunteering. Hobbies. I hiked part way up the Appalachian Trail. Reconnected with friends.

We did not discuss whether we would see other people. I never thought about it and frankly am in no shape to do so. And I didn't care if WW did. I thought so low of her by this point that the idea of her with someone else can only make me shrug my shoulders.

So my dilemma now. In June, I was waiting to pick the kids up from BIL's house where WW is living. They were late returning home from a gathering for MIL. So I was parked out front and watching something on my phone. And then WW came out of the house (apparently she didn't go to MIL's - don't know if this was planned, but WW and MIL don't get along anymore as far as I know).

She seemed emaciated to me. So thin compared to before. And she had so much gray hair (I guess she stopped coloring it).

She smiled at me and I thought she looked beautiful. I had a lump in my throat and my heart was aching.

I don't know what happened. I was suddenly sitting on the curb sobbing. She was awkwardly patting me on the back, saying sorry for making me cry, asking if she should leave, could she hug me. I don't think I said anything. But she hugged me from behind and started crying too. Not sure what the neighbors thought if they were looking.

And then BIL pulled up and we jumped apart. A lot of wiping eyes and faces. BIL gave us a confused look. Kids got their things and jumped in the car and we went home. No more words between me and WW.

Now I've been thinking about WW quite a bit for the last couple of months. With longing. She did reach out a couple of times asking if I was ok and apologizing, but I did not respond.

I'm not sure where to go with this. I feel like my attorney knows me better than I do and suspected I wasn't really ready to cut the cord.

Has anyone that has been separated gone through anything like this? Where being apart allows some of the negative thoughts and energy to dissipate to the point where you consider getting back together again?

82 comments posted: Thursday, August 11th, 2022

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