Newest Member: Serenity7

Reconciliation :
My grief is all consuming

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Fof9303 ( Member #70433) posted at 2:55 AM on Wednesday, September 1st, 2021

I am so sorry that you are stuck in limbo right now. This kind of pain is truly the worse. Let me ask- did the two of you go to counseling together and get a game plan set? It is good that you are going to IC--- it helps to talk it through. Also, don't "what if" yourself to death as you say. I started to do that once I decided to reconcile with my husband, but the fact of the matter is I did not know if it was going to work, I was committed to doing so and so was my husband. But, just like any typical marriage (without infidelity).. you don't know if it is going to work either. It is what you put into it. You say that you love your husband so much (which is a good thing for staying), so you need to work on in counseling how to get rid of your anger/rage. Try praying about it. Place it out of your hands. Talk to the counselor and maybe go to counseling together. You deserve to feel happy and I am sure that you can achieve it with a slight change in your mindset. There is a book called "Anger, taming a powerful emotion by Gary Chapman." Maybe that could give you a start. In the meantime, be easy on yourself. This road is not an easy one to travel and you should be so very proud of yourself for trying.

posts: 96   ·   registered: Apr. 27th, 2019
id 8686556
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needfriendshere ( Member #43350) posted at 6:58 AM on Wednesday, September 1st, 2021

I felt like you did during the first 2 years after I found out about my H’s LTA. I screamed at him at home, in the car, and even in restaurants whenever "she" popped into my head, which was quite a lot. I didn’t sleep and I drank a lot.

But time is a healer. 7 and 1/2 years later, I no longer scream at H. And I only drink on occasion - usually a glass of wine with a meal. Sleep is still difficult to come by but I can’t entirely blame that on the LTA. I got Covid seventeen months ago and am still struggling with the after-affects of it.

Do I love my H? Yes I do. But is our life like it was before he hooked up with "her"? No. In some ways it’s better. Not sexually, I’m afraid. Those scars are pretty lasting. But I discovered that my life can have worth apart from anything he has to offer me. I guess I can say that I found myself again and, until this dang pandemic hit, it felt quite wonderful. I loved what I was doing out there in the world. I was making a difference. And he became the man I came home to at the end of the day.

Hang in there! Your life has worth too. I promise you that. Find yourself again - the "you" you were before he plunged you into despair. See friends, immerse yourself in hobbies, get a nice job, and/or find somewhere you can volunteer. And let "him" be the one you come home to at the end of a fulfilling and productive day. Hugs!!

Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's LTA lasted 6 years, his EA's lasted during most of our M, but we are both trying hard to R.

posts: 1542   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2014
id 8686579
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HouseOfPlane ( Member #45739) posted at 3:13 PM on Wednesday, September 1st, 2021

I hate him for ruining my life.

He didn't ruin your life. He has given you bad memories of a portion of it. But you have your life ahead of you.

Resolve to get up every day and ACT. Do actual actions to TAKE CONTROL. If you can't sleep at night, then use that time to PLAN.

You can do this, AllIAm. One foot in front of the other. Take satisfaction in a challenge well met.

Sending strength!

DDay 1986: R'd, it was hard, hard work.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?”
― Mary Oliver

posts: 2718   ·   registered: Nov. 25th, 2014
id 8686604
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slamsunk ( New Member #79303) posted at 1:09 PM on Thursday, September 2nd, 2021

AllIam, I feel you. I am only a few months past dday and have gotten TT since, most recent revelation one week ago.

I could have written your post though. All these emotions are so confusing. And the cycling anger and lashing out at WH between moments of clarity and sadness. Ughhhhh. I just want to throw myself on the floor, wail around a bit and then melt into it and be gone and rid of this pain.

It’s reassuring and so helpful to read everyone’s responses.

BS- me 44 WH- him 47
2 year Long distance EA (with nude video chatting)4/2021- suspicious texts- investigated/watched 5/16/2021- Dday of sorts- I already knew but confronted this day
TT through 8/2021

posts: 17   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2021
id 8686749
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GraceLoves ( Member #78769) posted at 10:21 PM on Monday, September 6th, 2021

I felt the pain in your post. Yes, I feel that low too. Like I'm carrying around a bag of sadness I can't put down.

I come here to feel less alone in this. It's hard to really comprehend the profound way it changes you inside. Even when it's happening to you.

I remember the first gift my WH gave me was a book of essays on all the beautiful things in life. In it, he put a note saying one of the many things he loved about me was the way I saw the joy and good in everything.

Deep down I know he took that away from me and I'm not that person anymore. Nothing he does now ever fixes that. It's a really sad shit sandwich to be fed.

I just want you to know you're precious. Maybe your WS didn't make you feel like you are, but you are.

posts: 78   ·   registered: May. 9th, 2021   ·   location: London
id 8687322
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 AllIam (original poster New Member #79188) posted at 2:45 AM on Thursday, September 9th, 2021

Thank you so much for the pep talks and gentle reminders. I've had such a raw and emotional month. I'm so glad to know that you guys are out there and I'm not alone in this thing.

posts: 23   ·   registered: Jul. 28th, 2021
id 8687644
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