Newest Member: lrpprl

slamsunk

BS- me 44, WH- 46, 2 year EA, Dday Spring 2021, TT for 3 months after

Does a sexual affair mean WS is sex addict

Are all sexual affairs (whether physical or online/sexting or porn) considered sexual addiction?

I have yet to keep an IC and recently started with a new therapist whose practice is geared towards sex addicts. From what I have read sex addict counselors have a good grasp of dealing with betrayal trauma in general, so that is why I went the sex addict counselor route this time. Plus she does Emdr which I was hoping to try.

So she suggested, without hearing too much about my WH or the story of betrayal, that he would benefit from sex addiction counseling and if he doesn’t see a CSAT she will take my therapy one direction verses, if he is in counseling with a CSAT she will gear things in a different direction with my counseling. Which I took as if he does CSAT he is working on being good partner and if no CSAT he is not and in that case I’m basically moving forward alone in her eyes? Idk. She also suggested that we should both be in a 12 step program.

I was a little taken aback as I didn’t see my WH as this type of addict. And I had even done some reading prior to this about SA and it didn’t really seem to fit. I mean yes, he loves sex. But what he seemed to get from the A was the ego boost (its own addiction of sorts) that kept bringing him back to communicating with this person… and the nonjudgmental conversation, etc... all the same crap as any given WS. There was a sexual component to the A, but does that make it a sex addiction?? Their communication was not always sexual. Sometimes just talk about work or life. (Theirs was a long distance relationship kept in touch by phone, text, video.)

I’m so confused. WH IC never brought up SA or seemed concern. His IC was very focused on the ego trip- not just with women, but work and other aspects of life as well. Among other FOO issues.

Could this be a case of the specialist will find the problem they are trained to treat? You know, if you have an illness and you see a heart Dr they’ll tell you it’s a heart problem and if you see a kidney Dr for the same illness they’ll tell you it’s a kidney problem. Haha, you know what I mean?

Thoughts anyone?

5 comments posted: Saturday, February 26th, 2022

Are all sexual affair WS sex addicts?

Are all sexual affairs (whether physical or online/sexting) considered sexual addiction?

I have yet to keep an IC and recently started with a new therapist whose practice is geared towards sex addicts. From what I have read sex addict counselors have a good grasp of dealing with betrayal trauma in general, so that is why I went the sex addict counselor route this time. Plus she does Emdr which I was hoping to try.

So she suggested, without hearing too much about my WH or the story of betrayal, that he would benefit from sex addiction counseling and if he doesn’t see a CSAT she will take my therapy one direction verses, if he does see CSAT she will gear things in a different direction with my counseling. Which I took as if he does CSAT he is working on being good partner and if no CSAT he is not and I’m basically moving forward alone in her eyes? Idk. She suggested that we should both be in a 12 step program.

I was a little taken aback as I didn’t see my WH as this type of addict. And I had even done some reading prior to this about SA and it didn’t really seem to fit. I mean yes, he loves sex. But what he seemed to get from the A was the ego boost that kept bringing him back to communicating with this person… and the nonjudgmental conversation, etc. all the same crap as any given WS. There was a sexual component but does that make it an addiction?? Their communication was not always sexual. Sometimes just talk about work or life. (Theirs was a long distance relationship kept in touch by phone, text, video.)

I’m so confused. WH IC never brought up SA or seemed concern. His IC was very focused on the ego trip- not just with women, but work and other aspects of life as well. Among other FOO issues.

Could this be a case of the specialist will find the problem they are trained to treat? You know, if you have an illness and you see a heart Dr they’ll tell you it’s a heart problem and if you see a kidney Dr for the same illness they’ll tell you it’s a kidney problem. Haha, you know what I mean?


Thoughts anyone?

0 comment posted: Friday, February 25th, 2022

Don’t want to heal

In a mood- rambling, sad, angry, whiny…

Does anybody else get stuck in healing? Or rather, not healing. It’s like I don’t even want to heal or something. Like I’d rather stay in this place of misery, hurt and victimhood. I didn’t put myself here why do I have to do the work to get better?? I just don’t want to.

WH is doing a decent amount of work. I mean, it’s not perfect but I feel that he is giving his all.
More than I thought he could, that’s for sure. So I don’t see that as my hang up. Although, maybe he has stalled a bit too.

But really I feel the problem is in my own head. I’d rather sit and stew on the thoughts of him video chatting, talking and texting AP. Imagining what they talked about or what she had on. Or I’ll check her social media and watch her videos to get a glimpse of what was so appealing. And then I’ll go and torture him about it with questions of details or snide comments. And twist his responses so that he can never win. Really, I feel it’s sick of me to do over and over, less than a year but many months from dday now.

I’ve made minimal attempts at finding IC. The few I’ve had just didn’t do it for me. Or maybe it’s because I don’t want to do the work they tell me to…. So I’m supposed to distract myself with some other complex thought or storyline to distract from thoughts of affair.?? I almost feel like that is rugsweeping. Every time it comes to mind I should distract myself? Nah, I’d rather ruminate.

And the whole- work on yourself advice. I don’t even know what that means. I still look at myself and think "not bad". I know I’m way better than AP in so many ways. But it doesn’t stop me from feeling like garbage. I have no desire to do fun things and constantly feel depressed. I guess it boils down to wanting what I can’t have- that the affair didn’t happen. I just can’t accept it.

And then it’s like I know it’s wrong for me to continue this way, stagnant and all and then I start with the self hatred for letting myself continue down the path of doing nothing. Which just leads to more sick craziness in my head.

What is wrong with me?! Can someone kindly kick my butt into action??

22 comments posted: Thursday, January 20th, 2022

Ask OW for info?

Hi, looking for advice please.

WH claims he has told me the extent of his 2+ year, long-distance EA. This week I was able to find additional text messages on an old phone that do seem to line up with his "EA only" narrative (just from the way their conversation went). Through the newly found texts I did come to discover that they would occasionally video chat though. Which was interesting as he claimed to me (after D day) he had no idea how to fb video chat. So obviously he was lying (again), I assume in an attempt to minimize things.

He claims they were fully dressed and just talking during these video calls but after some pressing he said that once she called him at the pool in her bathing suit.

Well, I’m just not satisfied with that. I’m still missing a years worth of messages and fb messages that have been deleted and I can’t seem to restore them and I’ve called a few shops who don’t make recovery sound promising either. But I need to know the context of their conversation in this missing time period!! The messages that I recently found were older closer the the start of things(however this is when they were in close proximity and PA would have been possible, she lives far away now and during the missing time frame). So I am missing things from the past year+.

So with that, my question is should he/I reach out to AP and ask for screenshots of their communication? I need proof they weren’t doing more than talking in video and and I feel like the nature of conversation could help. He cut her off completely on d day, almost 4 mo ago, and from what I can tell has not reached out since (I am watching close and I have constant access to accounts and apps that he doesn’t realize I have).

I assume she is pissed as WH was recently tagged in a work picture with some of her good friends and she didn’t bother to react to the pic he was in but "loved" the other pics that were simultaneously posted from the group that he was not in.

I’ve been researching polygraph and am not a fan, but when I brought it up to him he said he would do it. Maybe I should drive him to the office as if he were getting one and hope he spills whatever is left to spill to avoid going in. And maybe there is nothing left to spill, but video chatting… really?! Sounds suspicious to me.

Thoughts?
Thanks for reading.

5 comments posted: Friday, August 27th, 2021

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