SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I posted this in New Beginnings but thought it might be more appropriate for the General forum.

Ok guys I'm just going to lay it all out...it's a sordid tale but I'm hoping for a happy ending.

Let's call him Evan.

I met Evan in September 2016 at work. I would pass by his desk daily and both his sports team affinity and political affiliation would drive me insane. I hated this guy for being a fan of my arch rival and the person he was voting for in the presidential election. But I thought it made for a good social experiment so one day I walked up to him, introduced myself and said, "I should hate you with every fiber of my being. I hate your team and I hate your candidate but I'd like to do a social experiment and see if two people that are polar opposites could find some common ground and become friends against the odds."

For six months we argued, fought and debated with the result usually being me walking off in a huff. But I kept trying. If I brought doughnuts into the office I'd offer him one. I'd casually walk up to his desk with a cheery "good morning" but we'd almost always get into a heated argument and I'd stomp away. Finally, around March, 2017 I went up to his desk and asked about his weekend plans. Evan stated he was building his daughter a playhouse and I commented how nice that was for her. He then declared the playhouse couldn't be pink because his daughter hates the color. I slammmed my fist down on his desk and exclaimed, "There it is! Common ground! I hate pink too."

For the next three months we found more things we had in common such as musical tastes, a love of cars and a love of news and current events. He was there for my break up from my long time boyfriend and I was there as he talked about the state of his marriage. He was only with his wife for five months before she became pregnant and she wasn't divorced yet. As soon as her divorce was final, they married (she was four months pregnant at their wedding). It was a marriage of necessity, not love.

In June, 2017 we had our first kiss and had a torrid affair until I broke things off with him in February, 2018. It was a bad break up. I honestly thought he was going to leave his wife for me but when it didn't happen, I lashed out at him and told him he had hurt the wrong girl. We didn't speak for eight months. In October, 2018 he showed up at my desk unexpectedly and asked to talk. I mumbled "sure" and we went into a conference room. He then proceeds to tell me that he's getting a divorce and asked me to take the day off to celebrate. At the time I was involved in a long distance relationship with another man so of course I said no. But over the next couple of weeks the feelings came racing back. I dumped the long distance man for Evan.

From October, 2018 till today we have been in not exactly a relationship but have been hanging out. He knows what I want but I'm also cognizant of his situation and understand he's not ready to walk me into the sunset yet so to speak. But we talk every day and see each other at work and out of work about three times a week. At times he became distant and I swore it was over but for whatever reason we always find ourselves back with each other. Starting in January, 2020 things have been a bit more consistent and we've been seeing each outside of work more often. We talk just about every day but we've been doing that for years.

But in the last six weeks he's been showing me that he might be ready for something a little more than what we've had for the last 3.5 years. In fact, I interviewed for a job on Wednesday and he actually called one of the people on the panel to put a good word for me. He's also let me see his house, taken me on dates, texts more and has generally been much kinder than he has been in the past. I hate to say it but I'm head over heels for this man. Evan is my person. He makes me laugh like no one else, makes me think and challenges me intellectually in a way I've never experienced before.

Which brings me to today. After a long, crazy journey his final hearing is tomorrow morning. Considering why he married her, what we've been through and what's yet to come does anyone have any advice on how I should approach, say, the next six months? I'd love to meet his daughter and his family and truthfully I want to spend the rest of my life with this man. Neither one of us want to get married again but I don't need a piece of paper to have a life partner. I know this story sounds awful on so many levels but he and I have a connection that can't be denied. Any advice would be oh so helpful and appreciated.

I may be reading this incorrectly, but this looks like it should be posted in the Wayward forum.

It was a marriage of necessity, not love.

I wonder if his wife would tell you the same thing.

<sigh>

This is a very triggery post and I agree it belongs in Wayward. You're the OW. You had an A with a married man.

[This message edited by Lalagirl at 6:05 AM, February 14th (Friday)]

As soon as her divorce was final, they married (she was four months pregnant at their wedding). It was a marriage of necessity, not love.

You know this is fact because he told you so? Let’s see, he lies and he cheats, how do you know this isn’t one of his lies.

I don’t know many people who marry for necessity with no love at all. Particularly people who have only just divorced someone else. It sounds like his marriage formed from cheating from what you said and now your relationship is formed from cheating. I guess in this case it isn’t true that a leopard doesn’t change his spots.

I'd love to meet his daughter and his family and truthfully I want to spend the rest of my life with this man.

Respect his wife and child and do not meet her yet! She has had her life turned upside down by his (and your) actions. Stay the hell away from the child and give her and her mother a chance to adapt to their life.

Oh and the other piece of advice I would offer. Is watch your back. He is a cheater and he may well cheat on you one day telling that woman how you were only a marriage of necessity and he never loved you.

You did get one thing partially right. When you said “he hurt the wrong girl”. He did, but it wasn’t you. He hurt his child and his wife in the most despicable way. You knew he was a married man, you chose your path, you face the consequences. His wife and child didn’t choose to be cheated on or referred to as only a necessity.

🤔

Please take your woe is me OW self over to Wayward. This is not the forum for you to express your musings about your affair OR the wife of the man you were cheating with. All you know about her is what HE told you and honey if you buy what he's selling I have a nice bridge to sell you too.

If they'll cheat with you, they'll cheat on you. You're both cheaters. Good luck with life. You'll need it.

This post really surprises me. If you have done any reading on this site at all, you should realize you are the OW. I am sorry so many people are going to be triggered today; Valentine's Day is hard enough for a lot of us as it is.

It's been a long time since I joined, so I may be wrong, but I have a memory of agreeing to abide by SI's guidelines in order to get posting privileges.

Did you read them? Do you think your post is within the guidelines?

It is as if you are trying to stir the pot...

Yeah...what a happy accident. Wishing you all the best. *sarcasm*

You posted this in New Beginnings as if you had been in a dating relationship with this man. Your story talks about your brother cheating on your sisterinlaw. Yet you choose Valentines Day, a day or raw and triggery emotions for a lot of BS’, to post that you are actually in an affair with this man.

You’re new but have 47 posts under your belt here. You should know better than to post here. Wayward is where you’re Iikely to get help. Good luck.

Really? And today!

^^^^^^^^^

[This message edited by gmc94 at 9:25 AM, February 14th, 2020 (Friday)]

First and foremost, why in the world would you post this in New Beginnings. Especially today. We all know how difficult Valentine's Day is already for so many that have been affected by infidelity. How dare you be so insensitive.

It was a marriage of necessity, not love.

Remember....when people enter into affairs, they begin recreating their story, their marriages, everything. They do this in order to justify their actions. If that was the case, he should have divorced her BEFORE beginning an affair. Period.

I am not going to sugar coat how annoyed I am at your post. I think it is extremely insensitive and it truly reflects the mentality of those involved in affairs. You are all living in your old little worlds and have very little notion on how much your actions are affecting others. You knew he was married and had a child, but yet, you choose to enter into an affair with this man. No matter how you slice and dice it, AFFAIRS ARE NOT OK. PERIOD. It hurts people in ways only us BS can comprehend. It damages people for life.

Considering why he married her, what we've been through and what's yet to come does anyone have any advice on how I should approach, say, the next six months? I'd love to meet his daughter and his family

Again, you don't know if what he told you is the truth. People will say whatever they have to in order to justify doing things they know are wrong and hurtful. Therefore, do not make assumptions about their marriage solely based on what he told you. The reality is, you really know nothing about the true existence of their marriage. Remember, you are getting your information from a man that cheated on his wife.

How should you approach the next 6 months? Well, considering you have done enough damage, start by having a bit more compassion for his daughter and wife. Step back and allow them to process all that has happened and adjust to their new reality. I really get the impression you have no clue the damage your actions of caused. You want to meet his family? Well, get ready for the possibility that they may not want to meet you. I know my WH's family told him that they would never have anything to do with the OW. His brother has not spoken to him for over a year. He is slowly losing his closest friends and has ZERO support from either side of our families. That could easily become "Evan's" reality.

I suggest you start therapy. I really do. Your post shows zero compassion, regret, remorse or guilt for your part in destroying a family and the lives of other human beings. You truly need to dig deep down inside and try to figure out what gives you the sense of entitlement to do what you did and still be able to minimize the effects of your actions.

It is as if you are trying to stir the pot...

Yep.

1. I would get into IC to see why you use people as objects. I mean really...social experiments? Playing hard to get? Sounds more like you have low self confidence/esteem and need to play in order to get ego boosts.(yes one can have booth and still be full of themselves) That is a huge problem for you bringing into any relationship. If you need to be challenged, try a hobby that doesn't involve shitting on other people and hurting families in order to get your boost.

2.

It was a marriage of necessity, not love.

Okayyy, I seriously doubt it. I am sure it probably wasn't love at first for her. You know since she was doing the same thing as you. Cheating with him. People don't cheat for love. They cheat to get ego kibbles so they can fill their bucket because they don't love themselves. Yet, he married her after she divorced. He could have stayed single. So, that makes me believe if he was single, her loved her. He doesn't plan on marrying you. Probably because he doesn't trust you and thinks he will shortly get bored of you and move on to the next women that piques his interest. You know, because after awhile you will not be enough for him when you are caught and become boring, like his wife. He will need a new one to challenge him to see if "he still has enough to get another". You are a burger at midnight in a fast food drive-up.

torrid affair

Life isn't a romance novel.

I honestly thought he was going to leave his wife for me but when it didn't happen, I lashed out at him and told him he had hurt the wrong girl.

Really? just listen to yourself. You are okay with being that person? The OW? You truly believe you were the wrong girl? No, you were the right girl to hurt. He chose his wife. He stayed away from you for nearly a year. He either wanted his wife and tried or had another in the wings. IMO his wife found out and she didn't want him anymore.

We didn't speak for eight months. In October, 2018 he showed up at my desk unexpectedly and asked to talk. I mumbled "sure" and we went into a conference room. He then proceeds to tell me that he's getting a divorce and asked me to take the day off to celebrate.

Not celebrate finally being able to be with you. To celebrate being free of adult responsibilities. You are okay with that? He doesn't have anything to do with you for that long (if you were so important he never would have let you go) and he fishes and you just take the bait because you were that easy and needy to do so.

Your post sounds like a woman that lacks zero empathy for anyone else. You enjoy the chase and the competition. Are you happy with yourself?

Leave his family alone. You are an interloper.

If you are an OW that is trying to get your pound of flesh in your competitive way to hurt other BS, by making up some elaborate Nicholas Sparks novel of supposed true love with another woman's husband and trying to save face by saying she was a cheater too.... just remember....They (BS) can hold their heads up high with pride. If this isn't a trolling or intentional attack of vengence/revenge...either way, you need some IC to fix you and to love yourself.

IMO, the post really seems more like the OW scorned and honestly didn't get what she wanted. Or you just really are gloating because you are highly competitive and won a two- time cheater (congratulations) and either way, neither is healthy.

[This message edited by Zugzwang at 9:53 AM, February 14th (Friday)]

Drop that mic, Zug! Thank you!

it's a sordid tale

Dictionary's definition of "Tale": a fictitious or true narrative or story, especially one that is imaginatively recounted.

And on V-Day no less.

Are you enjoying the pain from the responses that you are reading, OP?

SMH.

[This message edited by Lalagirl at 10:18 AM, February 14th (Friday)]

Barf.

Unbelievable.