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Be responsible for telling the truth. Not managing other people’s reactions to it - Mel Robbins .

TS Eliot - Wayward ?

Random but came across a piece in the Atlantic entitled “the secret cruelty of TS Eliot” - where he has a long term emotional affair while his wife is in a mental institution - and then discards the EA after his wife’s death. Found it really interesting, curious if others read it? Anyhow, for all his religion, he was apparently pretty Wayward and very fussy about having it brought to light.

Strangely, his affair began as friendship in 1912, he married his wife in 1915 (despite professing his love to EAP in 1914) and he kept up the affair until the 1930s. I wonder if his wife’s sanity was connected somehow to gaslighting and affair. Not particularly knowledgeable about their marriage - and I know she had mental illness struggles and it is just speculation. However, in those days how much easier it was to commit women to asylums and such. One has to wonder.

At any rate, it is so interesting that his limerence spell was broken after his wife died. But he also completely discarded her (AP) too and went on to marry his secretary - a person who had been obsessed with him since the age of 14. He gravitated to the idolization in true Wayward kibble-seeking fashion.

Anyway, makes me wonder about the dynamics at play in each relationship and the “real story”. Apparently Eliots final widow held the copyright to the first wife’s diaries until she (widow/wife 2) died in 2012. So those journals only came out in 2017 or so. I’ll have to read about her story next.

Anyway, random thoughts In Quarantine sort of related to Waywardness and thought I’d share.

[This message edited by Justsomelady at 8:20 PM, April 6th (Monday)]

8 comments posted: Monday, April 6th, 2020

“....but I won't diminish myself for having been unfaithful.“

A bit of a rant

Subtitle of an article in ELLE magazine by Rachel Vorona Cote. It is such bull. Just looking for intelligent thoughts on it if others have read it and feel similarly. The title is “I refuse to punish myself for cheating”.

Maybe I’ll have intelligent thoughts later but I don’t at the moment...floating it out there for others.

It’s just so cliched for a Wayward. She even did it while in graduate school studying literature so it makes it even more cliched and painful as she tries to get deep and philosophical about it all. If I didn’t have a nickel for every lit prof with a wandering eye.. 🤦‍♀️

Here’s an example:

“ Infidelity is no accident. It is a choice, and rarely a healthy one. However, it need not follow that sexual deception yields romantic and emotional Armageddon. We need not cleave to a narrative that pathologizes women who have had affairs as hypersexual, prone to hysteric fits of lusts. When the institutional strictures of heterosexual matrimony, rather than the empathy due to our human fallibility, become the organizing principles by which relationships and women are judged, we limit ourselves to forecasting catastrophe and meting out punishment. We have not yet learned how to respect monogamy without worshipping it. ”

This pisses me off - and I am a feminist. I feel she is reactive clutching her feminist pearls so loudly and strongly - and disingenuously- so that she can distract from he fucked up decisions and consequences. Rather than learn from her misdeeds and let the discomfort teach her something about herself , she just lashes out at the patriarchy in a way that makes me just roll my eyes so hard.

ALSO - I don’t see a modern narrative that pathologists adulterous women. I feel like we kind of celebrate them nowadays for their “ journey”.

Oh and more Bull here:

I would never diminish the toll infidelity can take, but I also refuse to diminish myself for having been, as it were, unfaithful. No woman’s character begins and ends with a solitary oath, and her self-possession cannot be so swiftly denied. Our fingers were not crafted so that they could be cinched by wedding band; the union between body and the marriage industrial complex is one ushered by capitalism, not destiny.

She has a book, title if it sounds interesting but I don’t want to read it now that I’ve read her article. Lady, it’s not about the oath and the institution- it is about YOUR issue with honesty and being true to a PERSON you made an important promise to, someone who made himself vulnerable to you and entrusted his heart to you. Ugh. I have no doubt we have inherited a million ongoing issues from past more restrictive times in society-but to take this lens to view her own misdeeds a little better is just some sort of half assed attempt to self soothe and sound smart at a book reading event - right?

Also - she calls for more empathy rather than judgment...but she speaks so disdainfully about her ex BS. Where is her empathy for him? She only pays quick lip service to her dishonesty. It appears she divorced the poor guy and remarried, is still married to her AP. I hope she receives the same kindness and empathy she gave out.

Anyone have smarter thoughts?

[This message edited by Justsomelady at 9:38 PM, March 8th (Sunday)]

35 comments posted: Sunday, March 8th, 2020

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