Newest Member: Notarunnerup

cocoplus5nuts

Me(BW): 1970 WH(caveman): 1970 Married June, 2000 DDay#1 June 8, 2014 EA DDay#2 12/05/14 confessed to sex before polygraph Status: just living my life

Struggling

This is not affair related (except for the lingering damage my H's cheating has done). It's really just a vent, I guess. I don't have anyone IRL to talk to about this. I am really struggling right now with seeing how my H positively contributes to my life. The only thing I can come up with is that he pays the bills so I don't have to work.

We're going to counseling. He is also (finally!) getting the IC he needs and is truly working on himself, doing EMDR, learning about his underlying issues and default unhealthy behaviors. He is making an effort to become a more emotionally and psychologically healthy person.

My problem is that it doesn't seem to me like he's putting much effort into our relationship, I guess. He's still perfectly content to just be a lump here, sitting in the living room with me not interacting. Last counseling session when our MC asked how we were in our relationship, he said he was good. I said I am not. When asked to come up with something positive about our relationship, he had something right away. I had nothing.

Part of what is bothering me is seeing and hearing firsthand how much effort he puts into work. He's working from home every day right now because they had a covid outbreak and had to close the office. I hear on his many conference calls. He is engaged. He remembers even the smallest details. He's assertive. He talks about being engaged with the younger people during this tough time to make sure they're ok. (They had a suicide on Veteran's Day. ) All I can think is that I've been trying to get him to be engaged like that with his family, but he isn't. I thought he was incapable. Now, I see he's capable. He's just not motivated.

I know it comes,down to taking us for granted. He assumes we will just be here. He doesn't need to work for our esteem or approval or whatever like he does for work. Except that, after cheating, he needs to do exactly that. I guess I'm feeling emotionally and romantically neglected. I don't understand how he can still sit here acting like everything is fine when he's been told over and over that it's not. He says he's working on things. He says his family is his top priority. His actions do not match his words.

45 comments posted: Monday, December 7th, 2020

How to Help Your Spouse Heal

Does anyone know if there is a bullet point type list of the actions the WP needs to take? I've found a few lists online, but they all have long explanations of each item. I am looking for a quick reference list of just each item. I could write it out myself, but then it won't look as official. TIA

9 comments posted: Tuesday, December 1st, 2020

Repair rather than just apologizing

Our MC has been working with my H on this. Rather than just saying you're sorry, you apologize, state what you did, and state how you will keep from doing it again.

I think those last 2 parts are what's missing in a lot of apologies, and why we BPs are left feeling like they are empty. It gets very aggravating hearing, "I'm sorry," over nad over again when it appears there is no awareness or acknowledgement of what was done wrong (no responsibility taken), and no ideas or plans of how to prevent it in the future.

That's what we want in order to R, right? We need our CPs to take full responsibility for what they did, and have a plan on how to prevent it from happening again. I also need that in daily interactions. It's not enough for my H to say he's sorry that he forgot something again for the umpteenth time. I need him to make it clear that he knows what the problem was and that he had a plan to remember it next time. Otherwise, I feel unheard and not cared for.

Just thought I'd offer that up as something possibly helpful for anyone struggling with apologies.

13 comments posted: Wednesday, October 21st, 2020

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