I finally signed my Matrimonial Settlement Agreement!
So I did this thing today......it was liberating, yet sad....exciting, yet scary. I finally signed my Matrimonial Settlement Agreement. It has been a LONG time since this process has started and I must say......I am incredibly proud of myself for fighting as hard as I did for my children. For always putting them first, no matter what and no matter who. For never allowing what their father did directly to me or my emotions as a whole get in the way of doing what is best for my babies. I am getting emotional just writing this. DD1 was October 14, 2017.....I still can't believe how much has changed since then. How much I have changed since then. For anyone that does not see the light at the end of the tunnel. For those that think it is not possible to find peace within this process....just know it is possible!!!! It is possible to walk away from infidelity and build a life you deserve....even if it from the ground up.In many ways, I am excited for my future. I am excited to live a life that is full of healthy relationships, genuine and loving people....and raise my children in a way that they deserve to be raised.
I got alimony, I got child support, I got 50% of his 401K, I got 50% of the proceeds of our home and was able to buy a new home for my children and I. I got 100% of overnights with both my children. (Something he did not even fight me on.) I was able to pay off my car, so I can save as much as possible. He will need to get a life insurance policy to cover the alimony and child support.....the list goes on and on. Am I still a bit sad? Yes, absolutely. I had a vision of raising my children with their father and us living a happy life together. I had a vision of my children having a "family". I had a vision of us building an amazing legacy together. But that all changed when he decided to betray me in the worst possible way over and over and over again. So now my vision has changed. I am at peace with this change.
One hour after I sent the MSA to his attorney, he sends me a text message:
"I just heard from my attorney. Thank you for signing the MSA. I would like to co-parent as best as possible and not bicker over things. At the end of the day we have two wonderful children to care for. I believe we can do a great job knowing we will always have our differences. We just have to find the way to respect one another through the process"
Huh?????? I swear my STBWXH has 2 personalities. All of the sudden, he wants to talk about co-parenting and respect. Yet, just last month, he goes on a business trip and doesn’t communicate with either the children or I for TWO weeks. TWO WEEKS! How does a father go TWO weeks without knowing anything about his kids???? And this is not the first time he has done this. Anyone that has followed my story knows how selfish he has been and how much he has hurt my kids. Screw him. Now he wants to talk about respect????? Really???? Where was his respect for me as the mother of his kids when he planned an entire move-out in 2018 and didn’t have the respect to tell me and prepare my babies for coming home to their father now being there???? Or when he last left, after making endless promises to my kids and literally abandoning them emotionally so he can go focus on his mistress???? How do I even respond to his text message???? Such a load of crap. I lost all respect for him and he has done nothing to regain it, so he can take his phony ass words elsewhere. I am going to just sit here and celebrate my victory today of knowing that in the end, I walk out of this with my head held high.
13 comments posted: Saturday, April 30th, 2022
I am sitting here just thinking about the true consequences of infidelity. For a BS, the consequences just seem to never end. I am almost 5 years out from my initial DD. Yes, I had various false R and he put the kids and I through so much. I understand that may have a huge impact on the way I view the consequences for a BS vs. WS. However, it just seems to me that the consequences always seem more for the BS. We are left dealing with emotional devastation. Most times, our children discover what took place and suffer because of what took place as well. Our world as we know it was stolen right from under us. Financially, we are left with so much uncertainty. Our world becomes scarier by the moment and honestly, we question everything. Don't trust anyone for a very long time. Don't feel good enough for anyone. Yet, we have to get up everyday and deal with our reality and our children. We have to pick up the pieces of our very existence because of what our WS choose to do to us. It just doesn't seem fair.
Basically, I am treated like a personal punching bag for years. I was there for my WS because I genuinely wanted to help him. I wanted him in a better place for our children if anything. All while he just kept taking advantage of me. He leaves for the 4th time and basically abandons all accountability and responsibility. Anyone that was calling him out on his crap, he avoids like the plague. Our children were hurt, so he avoided them for a period of time. He still only picks up our son for 2 hours a week. Does absolutely nothing else to help. Never asks for more time. Has not shown up to a soccer game in almost 2 years. (He will find excuses to tell our son and he is only 9, so he doesn't think much of it.) He doesn't want to see our family because it will be too uncomfortable for him, so he just doesn't come to events, regardless of how important they are. He will find every justification possible as to why he does not want to talk to people or how everyone needs to stop being ass**** to him. He wants to do what he wants to do and has convinced himself what he has done is "not that bad".
So....realistically, when do his consequences come into effect? He basically left me dealing with the aftermath. Left me taking care of our kids basically alone. No matter how difficult things got with our children, it didn't seem to make a difference with him wanting to be there for us. We had a flood in our marital home that he didn't even care enough to help with. When we sold the home, I was left dealing with everything...while working full-time and taking care of the kids. He has basically told our 13 year old daughter that he doesn't care how she feels about his A or mistress. If she wants a relationship with him, they will create one around his life with his mistress and not have her around. He doesn't think the D is a big deal. He doesn't think he has hurt our kids or anyone else. He doesn't think our children's lives are going to change much. Doesn't seem like he thinks much about anything other than himself. He left.....is living a carefree life without parenting responsibilities. Goes on vacations with his mistress and does whatever he wants whenever he wants. Sees the kids at his convenience. But yet, he feels like he is in a "much better place now" NO SH**!!!! He is living a bachelor life with no parenting responsibilities. Continues to put his job first. Continues to put his mistress first. Continues to put his selfish needs and wants first. SO....when exactly do his consequences begin???? Seriously, how unfair can this possible get?
From a WS prospective, I guess what I am trying to figure out is..... what are their true consequences? I know for many, losing their family actually matters. Losing their children full time actually matters. Hurting those they vowed to protect actually matters. My heart is with those WS that truly are remorseful and have to deal with those consequences. It must be heart wrenching. I know that must be a very difficult cross to bear and I have so much respect for those WS that really put the work in to better themselves. But for those WS that are not remorseful at all, are there really consequences in the end? So he pays me alimony and child support. So what? He will have his mistress' income and not have the responsibilities of being a full time dad. In the end, are their really true consequences?????? Someone PLEASE tell me there are! PLEASE tell me they eventually do realize the awful mistakes they have made and regret destroying people's lives for their own selfish agendas. All of this just seems too unfair.
12 comments posted: Tuesday, March 8th, 2022
Jana Kramer's new song - The Story
Has anyone heard Jana Kramer's new song? Not sure how many of you on here know her story, but I personally think it is incredibly brave of her to share her struggles and truth in such a raw and honest way. She even wrote a book about her XH's infidelity.
I sat in my room Friday night sobbing as I heard her song. It is a song that so many of us can relate to on more than one level. Having children that have been greatly impacted by their father's infidelity.....it just makes me so so sad he is still not able to see how much children hurt from all of this. Especially his own children. As a BS, I feel like I was not the only one robbed of so much, but my children were as well.
"Once upon a time he loved me
Once upon a time I loved him too
It all fell apart in a moment
Lord, I wish it wasn't true
'Cause you deserve the perfect family
The fairytales you know so well
Instead of sitting here listening
To the story I wish I didn't have to tell"
Our children deserved better than this shit sandwich they now have to deal with for the rest of their lives and it is SO unfair. Sometimes I wonder if some WS really just don't care at all and how that is even possible. To just do things over and over an over again knowing you are deeply hurting others. My WS claims "he cares what he has done"....but honestly, I doubt that because his actions speak otherwise. He cares to the level he wants to care, not the level that his children deserve him to care.
Part of her song does give me hope.
"Now it's time to pick up all these broken pieces
So that we can be the story we believe in."
I guess I have to now look at what has been handed to us and know that the 3 of us deserve better. We deserve to be surrounded by real love, compassion and kindness. Not the selfishness and pain that has taken over our lives for so long. We now get control over our story and what we believe in. We have a new home, a great support system and each other. If my STBWXH chooses not to be part of my children's new story and what they want and believe in, the loss is his. I just don't see myself (as a mother) or my kids settling for less simply to make "him happy". He has stolen enough from us and what we once believed in.
3 comments posted: Monday, February 28th, 2022
Jana Kramer's new song - The Story (moved to General)
This Topic has been moved to General
0 comment posted: Monday, February 28th, 2022
Just need some reassurance there are better days ahead
I think all of us BS on here can relate to having days where you are hoping and praying there are better days ahead. Here I am almost 5 years after the initial DD. Following the day that changed my entire life (Oct. 14, 2017), so much has changed. I am have just been having an off week. Maybe it is because our divorce agreement is close to being finalized. Maybe it is because my daughter just turned 14 last Sunday and she basically told my STBXWH that she didn't want to see him for her birthday weekend. Maybe it is because he sees he is losing her and it just doesn't seem to be enough for him to wake up and it breaks my heart. Maybe receiving an email from his attorney today about our agreement triggered emotions in me. Maybe it is because I met an amazing man recently and yet, I still feel hurt and destroyed. I mean....he is AMAZING. my daughter has vocalized how much she loves him and wants me to date him. He has been there for me during times when my STBXWH wasn't and should have. When our marital home flooded last September, my STBXWH wasn't around and this AMAZING man was there every step of the way for all of us. There were times the kids needed their dad and he didn't care enough to be there. Yet, his selfless man has been there for the last year through it all.It gives me comfort in many ways that kind, compassionate and caring men still exist, but it makes me sad that one of those men is not the father of my kids.
So, I guess I shouldn't be feeling this way, but I just can't help it. I am the one left to deal with my children's pain, while he goes about his life with his mistress. It just doesn't seem fair that he caused all this hurt and destruction, but seems unfazed by it all. He claims this is affecting him, but it surely doesn't seem that way. How could he say that but still continue a relationship with the person that caused all this with him while his relationship with our kids is in shambles?
I guess I just need to know that better days lay ahead. That I will not feel this way forever. That I will not be this sad forever. That my kids will be better than they are now. I listened to Jana Kramer's song "My Story" today and it hit home to me. All of this is SO unfair to us BSs, but it is equally unfair to our beautiful children. I hate what him and the OW did to us.....I really really do. I just want better days ahead where I don't feel like this will forever hurt me the way it is still hurting me almost 5 years later.
0 comment posted: Friday, February 25th, 2022
He wants my help with our daughter......
I really need some perspective from my SI family on this. Not really sure how to move forward. As many of you know by reading my previous posts, my STBXWH barely has any relationship with our 13 year old daughter. 100% his fault. He spent a very long time not prioritizing his relationship with her. Even after losing her trust, hurting her…..he still would ignore calls, text messages, etc. It took a toll on her. After spending some much needed time in therapy, she is in a better place. I know she would have loved to have a great relationship with her dad. That is what every child wants. But I also know she is scared to get hurt again and that is a risk I don’t see her taking anymore.
STBXWH reached out to me through a text message Sunday morning before Christmas. He said "I wanted to know if it would be ok if I take the kids out for breakfast on Christmas Eve morning" I responded "absolutely, I think that is a great idea". At the moment, he only picks up our son for a couple of hours on Wednesday evenings and spends no time with our daughter. Even so, I spend every Wednesday convincing our 9 year old son to go with him. I just think so much took place, the kids don’t feel "safe" with him and have really have no desire to spend time with him. Our son even comments to me that they do the same exact thing every week. They have take-out and then play a soccer video game. He says that daddy doesn’t even know he likes other games more now. Daddy hasn’t gone to any of his actual soccer games for well over a year. Doesn’t really go out of his way to be part of his "everyday life" and it seems like he is picking up on the fact that his own dad barely knows him anymore.
Well, back to my issue here. When I responded to him about breakfast, I knew that there was a good chance our daughter would say no, but I never want to make that decision for her. The reality is, she may have wanted to go for some reason. So I brought it up to her that afternoon and she immediately said "no". I asked her why and she just said "I don’t want to deal with it anymore". I asked her again the following day and she said "No, please just stop asking me. I am not going to change my mind." I didn’t ask again. I spent the next couple of days trying to figure out how to tell him. Regardless of what has happened, it hurts that our daughter feels this way. It is so difficult to deal with something like this as a mom. In the meantime, he messaged me 2 days later telling me he was tested positive for COVID, so he wouldn’t be able to take them out. Obviously, he would need to wait well after Christmas to even see them and give them his presents. So, I decided to wait until after Christmas to tell him. I just felt that telling him before Christmas wouldn’t have made a difference other than it would have been something that potentially would have made him upset. I also didn’t know what his reaction would be and I didn’t want him sending our daughter a message that would upset her. So we spent Christmas with my parents, his parents, his brother, our nieces, etc…….and he spent it with….probably his mistress or alone. Who knows. He did text the kids Merry Christmas, but that was the extent of it.
Last Wednesday morning, I decided to text him and tell him about our daughter. I told him that regardless, I had to tell him because I am sure he had intentions on taking them out once he is COVID free. His response caught me off guard. He didn’t seem "upset". Even used the word "disheartening" and said that he just doesn’t know what to do anymore. He has given our daughter "space", just like her therapist asked, but now he doesn’t think it was the right thing. He wants a relationship with her, but she doesn’t even respond to his text messages anymore. He asked me if "I have any suggestions". He mentioned that he had emailed her therapist and she suggested maybe having a family session with the 3 of us. He doesn’t want to lose his relationship with her and wanted to know if I would be open to having a family session. He said "All I want is to have a better relationship with our kids and with you as a parent. I want to be happy and live my life and have you be happy and live yours with the kids." After doing so much, it is just not that easy. I just don't know how to feel about this "revelation" just yet. Is it genuine? It is very difficult for me to believe he will do the right thing for our child when he has done so much in the past. Perfect example….he “wants a better relationship with me as a parent”, but never reaches out to me about the kids. Just last night, we both received several emails and calls about our children’s school going virtual again. He knows I work full time and both our children struggled so much when we went virtual last year.
I mentioned it to him so many times how difficult it was for us. It would have been nice to have had him reach out and ask if he could help in any way or if the kids needed something or if I needed something. That would have been a great start to his “I want us to have a better relationship as parents” comment.
But I guess I am expecting too much at this point. I think he will never fully understand how much damage he created. But I feel like I should support my daughter's relationship with her father as much as possible. I ended up giving him suggestions and agreeing to the family session. I emailed her therapist and she is going to first have a session with our daughter alone and will then have our session. I just now need to figure out a way to tell our daughter and make sure she understands that the only reason I agreed to this was because I do feel like it is what is best for her. The last thing I want is for her to feel like I am forcing her to do something. In the past, I would make her spend time with her dad, call him, etc. But he would just keep doing things to hurt her again. I have to tread very carefully here. I have worked hard to gain back her trust again as well and we are in a really good place now. She spent a long time feeling alone. I was in a bad place with everything he was doing to all of us and she felt like I was not understanding of what how her father was also affecting her. But I also want her to be able to express what she feels and wants from her dad. I just think it will be a good opportunity for her to express to him what she will require from him to feel "safe" again and whether it is enough for her to want to build a relationship with him again. At this point, what she needs from him is not debatable. Put it all out on the table. He either does what she needs or he doesn’t. At least it will give her a better sense of what to expect instead of being in this "stagnant" situation with him. It will put the ball in his court. I hope this makes sense. Any suggestions on the best way to approach telling her? During the session, I just intend to sit, listen and support my child. Unless I feel the absolute need to, I will let her therapist intervene between them when necessary. I just hope this does not back fire on me.
20 comments posted: Monday, January 3rd, 2022
Our new home.....our new safe place
So I did this thing……..I sold our home and bought a new home place for us. The only home my children have ever known. It still seems surreal to me. It was really tough for so many reasons and liberating for so many other reasons. It gave me back a sense of independence and self-worth. After being treated like someone’s personal punching bag for years and being told various times that "I would be nothing without them or would have nothing without them"….. it feels liberating to know that those words no longer hold power over me. I am proud of myself and my children are as well. Especially our 13 year old daughter. She has told me so many times how proud she is that I have come so far. I had so many bumps along the road. Our home flooded 1 week before I was planning to put it on the market and 1 week after I signed a Contract for our new home. It was a complete nightmare. I had worked so hard to get it ready to market……without the help of my STBXWH. He of course always expected 50 % of the proceeds…..but NEVER came around to help. Wanted the house on the market, but never cared about what needed to be done to get us there. Even when our home flooded and I told him what was going on, along with our 13 year old daughter….he never bothered checking in afterwards. So many of his belongings were still at the house, but that wasn’t enough modification to come help. I just don’t understand it. This is also HIS home and aside from that….his children LIVE THERE. As their father and ESPECIALLY someone who is "trying" to build a relationship with his children again….you are not going to show up when your family needs you most? Then he wonders why our daughter continues to want nothing to do with him. I had his family and our closest friends helping me day and night. I worked day and night…while taking care of OUR children full time and working full time. His parents are amazing. His family has been amazing. Our friends have been amazing. They have been there for our children and I every step of the way. They are all beyond frustrated with him at this point because no matter how amazing they were and how much help I had…..having their father there would have made all the difference to my children.
I was planning on staying in the house for a few more years. I wanted to do this because he had already put us through so much. I wanted my children to have stability. I wanted my children to feel safe. But that all changed in the beginning of this year when he told me that "he would have bragging rights for paying me alimony." It changed everything for me. It changed me. He had put us through hell….and still had the audacity to say he would have bragging rights and that we would still be living "an amazing life because of him." After the initial shock, I knew what I had to do. Yes, that home held so many beautiful memories, but we have been dealing with so much pain from what he has done, the beautiful memories seem to be overshadowed by everything else. We needed a fresh start. Just walking into our "new kitchen" everyday was a constant reminder of his deceptive strategies. Pretending like he was "making things right and changing". Having our dream kitchen built, the entire home remodeled….to only turn around months later and doing the same horrible things to us again. We needed a place to call our own. A safe place…and that "house" no longer felt safe and no longer felt like home.
Unfortunately, my STBXWH has not changed at all. He has done ZERO growth. Continues to put his wants and "needs" before our children. I never thought things could have gotten worse between him and our 13 year daughter, but here we are. He claims he wants to have a relationship with her. Now started sending her random text messages that he misses and loves her. But his actions continue to prove otherwise. Just this past Thanksgiving, he dropped off our son on a Wednesday evening. (He spends 2 hours a week with him….and sometimes I have to convince our son to go with him.) He comes into the house (we were still living in our old home) and drops off something I had asked him for. We begin discussing the proceeds of the house and the MSA open issues. Very briefly. Things have been "civil". All the sudden…..he flips. Begins screaming at the top of his lungs about how his mother is a POS and his family is horrible for treating him the way they are. That I am not perfect, so why are my parents ok with me. That we were married to each other and I was also part of the reason all of this happened. Why is he the only one getting crap from everyone and how dare he be treated this way. Etc., etc. Our daughter comes downstairs and asks him to stop. To asks that he stop speaking about her grandparents that way. Our son starts crying. I ask him to leave. Politely. I don’t yell. He looks at our daughter and tells her to go upstairs before he does something he may regret. She looks straight at him and says "no". He yells are her again and I ask her to please just go upstairs with her brother, close her door and I would handle this. At that point….I asked him again to leave and he begins walking out the door while continuing his rant. I just don’t get it. I really thought we were all beyond this. His anger clearly needs to be redirected and he continues to blame everyone but himself.
To top it all off….The very next morning (Thanksgiving morning), he sent our daughter a text message. "Happy Thanksgiving. I hope you are as happy and grateful as I am". She never responded. A few days later, He sends me a text message telling me that he contacted her therapist telling her what is going on and that her not responding to his text message was very disrespectful. I ignored it. I just can’t take his ego-inflated mentality anymore. He can do whatever he wants. Be as disrespectful as he wants, but then he expects respect in return. Regardless if she is a child or not, she also deserves respect. Both my kids do. How was any of what he did showing them respect for the last 5 years? He has done this so often. Behaves however he chooses then completely pretends like it never happened and wants everyone to just move on. Never apologized for what he did the night before. Just expected her to dismiss it all.
He claims he "could care less what people think and whether his family supports his decisions or not", but it is clear he does care. He just always thought everything would work out the way "he wanted it to". He continues in a relationship with his mistress. Yes, many WS do this. I have seen it on here so often. Everyone is free to make whichever decisions they want in life, but they are not free from the consequences of those decisions. He dragged us through hell…..it was just completely unfair what he did. It was years of emotional and mental abuse. We will never be the same. Instead of coming to terms with all of this and focusing on rebuilding his relationship with our children, he chooses this crap. She has told him so many times that she will never be ok with his mistress and the whole "affair". It was just too much. Too much pain. She doesn’t want any of "that" around her. He just shoves that aside……continues doing what he does and then says he wants a relationship with her. It hurts me as a mother to see her continuing to feel unworthy by her own father. To put a mistress and affair in front of your old child. I just don’t understand it.
So, this new home of ours is just a big step in our healing process. Now more than ever, I know it was the right decision. He needs to learn that no amount of material things will ever "fix" what he has done to us. That him remodeling a home, buying us things....to only turn around and break his promises for the 100th time was devastating on us. We will be ok eventually. It will take time. But the house we were living in and he was also part owner of is something he will not be able to hold over our heads. He no longer has "bragging rights" over that.
10 comments posted: Monday, December 20th, 2021
I officially lost all hope.....
I have let go of all hope my STBEWH will ever come to the realization of the destruction he has caused. I asked him to please never speak to me unless it is about our children. I have tried to talk to him about the divorce and agreement, in order to resolve some of the outstanding issues ourselves. However, I just can't keep putting myself in a situation where he decides to be such an insensitive, manipulative ass. I am done with it all.
Last week, we met up to talk about alimony and custody. He still barely sees the kids and of course it is my fault. Just like the fact that everyone now sees him differently, people are "reacting" a certain way to him, everyone knows what he has done, his family does not talk to him, etc., etc. None of which is my problem. Cheaters clearly think their actions have no consequences. Anyway.....that day, he says to me "Well, I am going to be paying you alimony and that gives me bragging rights. You are going to be living this amazing life, and it will be because of me and the alimony." Yes, you read that right. He cheats on his wife for YEARS. Several false reconciliations. Drags his wife and kids through HELL for years.....and he has "bragging right" for paying me alimony. I honestly had no words. I was speechless. Bragging rights? Really? I walked out. He texted me later, I never responded. A couple of days later (actually Valentine's Day morning), I sent him a long text. It was mean and very well-deserved. Yes, I waited for Valentine's Day on purpose. The audacity of some people. They destroy people's lives. Their own children are hurt by their actions.....then they have the nerve to say something like this? What does he think my life is going to be after everything he has done to his children and I? God.....sometimes I just wish I could press a reset button, wake up and have someone else be the father of my children. I am so so hurt by the person he has become.
[This message edited by Mari104 at 2:09 PM, February 17th (Wednesday)]
17 comments posted: Wednesday, February 17th, 2021
Should I even say something at this point......
Not going to sugar coat anything here. I am a complete mess.....the holidays are SO difficult for the kids and I. I just hate feeling this way. WH acts oblivious to it all, but I know he is well aware what his crappy ass choices have done to us all. He spent the holidays mainly alone. (With the exception of seeing my kids for 1 hour on Christmas morning at our house.) His parents basically spent it with us and our family. It is complicated.....everyone is still very hurt by everything he did.I know the holidays must have not been easy for him either, but he did all of this to us. AND.....we don't even know if he was actually "alone".....we don't believe anything he says anymore.
Well......his inconsistencies continue. He still spends no time with our 12 year old daughter. She is not ready after the last BS act he pulled. Our son has still not gone to his apartment since he last moved out. He said he is not ready, but he may go for the first time this Wednesday to "play video games with daddy"
So Saturday, our son had a soccer game. I texted WH and told him, to make sure he saw it posted on the app. This was a last minute scrimmage they scheduled and was not part of his normal season. However, soccer is my son's life. He LOVES it. Normally, WH has been good about attending his games. When I texted him, he said "no, I didn't know" I gave him the time and location. Saturday came and he never showed up. No text to our son apologizing for not making it either. This is not the first time he has done this. However, more recently, things have gotten bad between him and our daughter. Our son is also not the same around him. In my mind, he should be doing EVERYTHING to get into a better place with both of them. Of course our 12 year old daughter made a comment about him once again, not being reliable. No text or call letting any of us know he couldn't make it for whatever reason. I am annoyed. This is beyond frustrating.
His therapist spoke to our daughter's therapist about why our daughter is so upset with him and needs time to process everything before wanting a relationship with her dad right now. Her therapist called me afterwards and told me that his therapist knew very little about what the things he had done. Seems like he was minimizing his actions 100%. This was weeks ago and I am sure he has spoken to his therapist about all of this. WHY is he not stepping up then? I just don't get it!
He texted me this morning and asked if he can pick up our son earlier on Wednesday so they can go to his apartment and play video games and have dinner. (He usually just picks him up for a couple of hours and takes him out to dinner.) This will be the first time he has gone to his dad's new apartment. I said it was fine, as long as our son is ok with it. But didn't mention anything about Saturday and neither did he. Should I ask him why he didn't attend? Call him out on it? Why does he get to pick and choose when he is there for them? I am there for them ALL THE TIME....NO MATTER WHAT. Why should it be any different for him?
Vent over.....but opinions on how to handle this will be greatly appreciated.
6 comments posted: Monday, January 4th, 2021
My 12 year wants to reach out to OW
I posted on here recently regarding how my STBWXH refuses to acknowledge how much his A and all his other shi*** ass choices have affected our children and family. Of course, he continues with his BS justifications, etc. His relationship with our 12 year old daughter is not getting any better. He basically makes no attempts to reach out to her. Feels like she is the one that needs to pursue a relationship with him, if she wants one. I don’t understand his way of thinking, but then again, how could I? I would never be able to do half the shit he did and continues to do.
So here is my dilemma now……our daughter is 12 going on 20. Because of so much that has taken place over the last 3 years, she has been forced to grow up a lot quicker than she should have. One of the last times her and her dad spoke, he said to her “you should not get involved in things that do not pertain to you. You are 12 and should stick to 12 year old situations and act like you are 12.” Her response….”If you wanted me to act like I am 12 and be 12, then you should not have put us through everything and forced into non-12 year old situations.” My kid does not let him get away with anything anymore. She calls him out on his BS without hesitation and I know that is a huge issue for him. He calls it disrespect. She calls it “her voice”. A voice that she has learned to stand behind through therapy.
Ok, back to the dilemma part. She approached me yesterday and told me she wants to write something to the OW. We have no idea if her and my ex are together. He says no, but at this point, we don’t believe anything he says. Honestly, things got really bad between them at one point as well and I wouldn't be surprised if she is done with his crap as well. Either way, she wants to let her know how she feels about her and her part in all of this. She wants to let her know she thinks she is selfish, lacks morals and integrity and will never accept her into her life. That she knew children were involved and didn't care enough to stop hurting her and her brother as well. That a family was being destroyed and she didn't care. I really don’t know how to feel about this one. My daughter is a lot like me. She is a writer. It has been a very big part of her healing. Her therapist told her that if this is what she feels like is going to help her heal, then she should do it. She did ask that she first write whatever she wants to say and hold on to it for a week or 2 before sending it. Just writing it alone, may help her enough. If she changes her mind in the future, then she could send it.
Now, my first priority is that my children get all the support they need to heal from all of this as much as possible. I really just don’t know how I feel about her writing something directly to the OW. I want to support my daughter in everything she needs to get into a better place. I really do. I am just nervous this will hurt her more than help her. Anyone else come across this?
[This message edited by Mari104 at 1:45 PM, December 3rd (Thursday)]
9 comments posted: Thursday, December 3rd, 2020
How could they say this is only between "mom and dad" ???
I apologize for the long post. My thoughts are all over the place and I am just trying to make sense of so much. Here is my issue..... My FWH refuses to accept how much of his actions has affected our children and our extended family.
This has been an ongoing issue for me for years now and now sh** is hitting the fan big time. For those that do not know my background story……let’s just say that my FWH put my children and I through hell....for YEARS. I have not been on here for a long time and so much more has happened over the last year. Things that I am still trying to wrap my head around. It has now come to the point that our 12 year old daughter is “done” with her dad. She is refusing to allow him to continue blaming everyone else for his actions and not taking full accountability. She is in therapy. This has helped her to stand strong on what she believes and giving her a voice. She has told her father she refuses to be a part of this “entire situation”. There is no proof that he is still seeing the OW, but knowing his history, we really don’t believe a word he says. She has just made it very clear she never wants to meet her or have anything to do with someone like her. She has told him that he has issues and needs to understand everything he has done has greatly impacted her and her brother. He repeatedly tells her “this is between your mother and I. What I did to your mother has nothing to do with our relationship.” She fights back. She tells him he is wrong and he did so much, we are all suffering now because of him and he is selfish to think that way. How in the world can he do so much for so long. Turn our world upside down and still say that it is between “mom and dad” ?????
Clearly, he is selfish and has demonstrated NPD traits. He refuses to allow her to feel this way and told her “he demands she respect him as her father” She is so hurt and upset. She even now refuses to go to his apartment and he is lashing out. Demanding that I change her therapist, because this one is clearly “not doing her job.” I refuse to change her therapist and feel like he is being unreasonable. He is the parent and told him he needs to start acting like it. Our 12 year old daughter is hurting because of his actions.She deserves a safe place to talk about her feelings and loves her therapist. He needs to get off his high horse and try to understand things from her perspective. Allow her to heal at her own pace and respect the fact that she is not ready to continue a relationship with him the way he thinks she should at the moment. He just won’t see it this way. Obviously, blames it partly on me. That I am not “disciplining” her the right way. Allowing her to disrespect him. Honestly, if it was anyone else in my shoes, they wouldn’t even try to help his situation with our daughter. He has hurt us all so so deeply.
Has anyone else had a similar situation? I want my children to have a relationship with their father. That is why, regardless of what he has done, I have always tried to help be the mediator between them. However, I need to also feel that he is going to have my kids’ best interest in mind moving forward and with everything he has done……..I just can’t feel that way right now. I am at a crossroads.
Do I continue to try and speak to him about his need to be more compassionate and understanding when it comes to our children? Do I remove myself completely and just have my daughter communicate directly with him when she wants and feels the need to? I just really don’t know how to handle all of this. It is very overwhelming. I am still dealing with my own hurt and destruction……and it is difficult to separate the two.
As a side note…..his frustrations are getting worse because his parents and grandmother now are not really speaking to him because of what he has done. They have told him they can’t support his shitty behavior or choices. He feels like they disowned him. He says everyone is on “my side”…..and what our daughter and I have told him so many times….this is not about being on anyone’s side. This is about everyone being on their own side. What he has done has hurt his children. That is where many people draw the line. I know he feels alone. I get it. But he did this to himself and now wants everyone’s support. It just doesn’t work that way.
13 comments posted: Wednesday, November 18th, 2020