Lifestyle changes

Hi everyone. It's been awhile since I posted on here. I always feel like my SI family understands things like very people can. For those that don't know my background, I have the typical cheating, selfish, egocentric, untrustworthy ex-husband. Mine just took this role a bit more serious and is a true jerk. Anyway.....I just wanted to know if someone on here has dealt with a similar situation that I am now having to deal with. Also was hoping for guidance and reassurance.

My XWH did get his "dream" position as a GM last year. It was not with BMW, but with Ford. (Which in his eyes, was a downgrade). Either way, that was short-lived, as he was fired from the company in November of last year. Yes, fired. This is the same company he worked with the OW in. The same company he put in front of his own children. The company that had "promised" he would eventually become GM of the BMW dealership that he poured his heart and soul into for years. The same company that the OW is apparently still working for. But here we are. Of course, I did not find out from him, but rather from a close friend that still works there. Months later, I hinted to him that I knew and he did not deny it. The alimony and child support payments continued as normal, so I did not question anything. I also came to find out that he got hired at another dealership in March, with the same management position he held years ago. But again, he never mentioned anything to me at all. A couple of months ago, he made a comment to me about having financial difficulties and not being able to pay for his portion of medical bills and extra-curricular activities that we had agreed upon. (I have an app that I download everything I pay for out-of-pocket with copies of receipts and other relevant information.) We are supposed to reimburse each other within 30 days and he has never really done that. He pays me when he "feels like it". Sometimes it is every 3 months. Sometimes every 2 months. Sometimes he goes longer. I never really complained about it because he has been consistent with the alimony and child support.

Last week, I messaged him about a large medical bill I had received for our daughter and registering our son for soccer next season, both of which he is responsible for 50% of. (I wanted to make him aware of this expense before paying and downloading it in the app. Which is what I do every single time.) He responded "I have been trying not to think about how to tell you this but I just have to come out and say it. I just can't afford it any longer. I truly don't know how I can afford to pay you the amount. My pay is different now and I'm now sure how to move on. Not sure if we have to go to court and have my situation accessed over. I just can't make all these payments like I use to. I have no lifestyle any longer so I'm just left to tell you as it is. It's not that I don't want to pay you, It's that I just don't have it to pay as you can see on the app." As most of you know, I work at a law firm that practices family law. I immediately spoke to my boss about it and his immediate response "No, that is not what was agree upon. He has made choices that have put him in this position." The thing is......I understand his pay has decreased. (Even though I have no idea how much) But of course, that is the only thing my XWH is looking at. He is not looking at the "big picture". Him and the OW purchased a huge, expensive home 2 years ago. (They are 2 adults with no children at home. Neither of our children have ever slept there. Our son visits him for 4 hours a week and our daughter refuses to step foot to his home.) Both him and the OW drive BRAND NEW X5. He purchased an expensive engagement ring for the OW last summer. They like the image of the lifestyle they are living. I, on the other hand, live in a moderate townhome with both our children and 2 dogs. I still drive the same car I had when we were married. (I have had it since 2018) I did not want to put myself in a financial position where I was using all my income on a huge home or fancy car. I rather be able to give my kids things they like and do things together. I have gone on a vacation with both my kids every summer since 2022. I take my kids out and try to have as much fun with them as possible He choose his financial priorities and I choose mine.

He is now saying that we have a lifestyle and he doesn't and it isn't fair. And how in the world is that OUR fault??? These are things that I most certainly will need to bring to the court's attention! ALSO, no one even knew that he was living with the OW at the time of our divorce. He had another household income already helping him during that time. Now, he still has that extra income.....so that also needs to be taken into consideration. It works both ways. If I move in with someone, I lose my alimony. So if he is living with someone, that should count towards him trying to decrease the amount he pays me. ALSO....the logical thing is if you are struggling financial, how about downgrading one of your fancy vehicles BEFORE trying to take money away from your children and their mother???? OR maybe downgrade your huge home that you don't need, because you are only 2 adults!

My biggest issue is what he is saying to our kids. Father' Day was Sunday. My daughter barely goes out with him. (She sometimes goes out Father's Day and his birthday.) Instead of using his time to bond with his kids, he spent the entire 4 hours with them complaining about how he has no lifestyle. He actually said to our kids "I love that you guys are going on vacation. I can't go anywhere because I have to pay your mother. But here you guys are wearing brand name clothes and living a luxury life style" My kids were upset. We do not live a luxury lifestyle. Yes, I buy my kids nice clothes at times. Yes, I take them out to dinner and do things with them. I just choose to spend my money on making memories with them rather than driving around a new car and pulling up to a huge home. And now we are going to be punished for this? When I received his text message on Friday, I responded "Father's Day is Sunday. Why don't you focus on your day with them and having fun. We will touch base next week about this". I did this because I know how he is. I did not want to get into a conversation about money with him because he becomes extremely demeaning. I did not want this to turn into an issue that he then used my kids as his personal "dumping ground" for.....but he did it anyway! (And yes, this is documented and it will be brough to the court's attention that he is saying these things to our children.) This has happened way too may times in the past.

I am just annoyed that he is saying this to our kids and blaming what he AGREED to pay me on the fact that he is now struggling. I had a plan to get myself back on track and help my kids as much as possible. Our daughter starts driving this summer and I have to help her with car insurance. I threw her a Sweet 16 party, completely on my own this past February. He literally helped me with NOTHING. But he had enough money to buy an engagement ring for the woman he had an affair with for years. This just isn't fair. Please reassure me that I am not going crazy? Am I being unreasonable here? I mean...he did lose his job and was not working for a few months. My boss told me that we have a strong case and I have every right for feeling the way I do. But sometimes I just second guess myself and don't know how to feel about anything anymore. I am just exhausted. It has been YEARS of dealing with him and his selfish a**.

6 comments posted: Wednesday, June 19th, 2024

Maybe this is the beginning of his Karma

Hi everyone! Hope you are all doing well So, back in June, I posted about how my XWH had finally gotten the promotion he had desperately wanted for years. He became GM of a brand new dealership for his company. It wasn't the car brand he always wanted to manage, but it was a GM position. Well.....last week, a friend of mine whose husband still happens to work for the same company heard a rumor that he had been fired. This week, it was confirmed. My SIL went onto the car dealership website and he was removed as GM and replaced by a younger female. Someone he has known for years and also worked for the same company. My SIL also looked on every website for their other 3 dealerships and he is nowhere to be found. His Linkedin profile shows his GM position from May 2023 - November 2023. So there it is. He pushed everyone, including his own children, to the side for his career. Finally gets the position he has been wanting since the age of 16 and less than a year later...it ends.

So many things are going through my head. In a way, I am sad for him. He really devoted so much to this company. Worked endless hours. Worked weekends. Somewhere along the way, had an affair and walked out on this family for her. If anyone recalls my story, the OW worked for the same company, in their accounting department. They bought a house last year in September and got engaged over this past summer. He has yet to tell anyone in his family about the engagement. We found out because the controller of his company AKA one of his "flying monkey's" and the OW's boss, happened to be bad mouthing me to her hair stylist last month. Another story for another day. And yes....neither of my children have ever even met the OW. neither has his parents or anyone in his family. How a father can get engaged to someone his children have not even met is beyond me.

But here we are. He now needs to start from scratch. He was with the same company since he was 16. They were bought out in 2016 by the company he was currently working for. This is all he has ever known. I am sure this was a blow to his ego and that may be why he has not even mentioned anything to me yet or anyone for that matter. His parents, brother, SIL....mutual friends. No one. He may also be trying to figure out what to do. But our children's health insurance is under his policy and obviously, there is alimony and child support to consider. He always leaves me in the dark about everything. We always find everything out through outside sources. Transparency is just not his thing. I deserve to know what is going on so I can prepare for what may be ahead. It is unfair for me to always be caught off guard by him. I am just tired of this all.

Aside from all of this, I am left really wondering what in the world lead to his termination. It could be so many things. Maybe he was making too much money. I have heard that many of the employees would complain about his arrogance and how he would talk down to people. Maybe it was because he was too good of friends with the company controller and that put him in favorable position to manipulate the finances of the new dealership he was running. He also is engaged and living with a woman who he had a workplace affair with, who also happens to work for their accounting department. So I am sure they were always making sure he looked his best on the books. But the owners may have not liked that. Maybe it was something else all together. I am sure I will find out once word gets around. I still know a number of people that work there.

What has me even more perplexed is how I am sure so many people knew this was coming and he apparently didn't know. People that managed the dealership with him were people he had trained and were supposedly his good friends and also the OW's. The woman that took his place was his friend and the OW's. His assistant manager was their friend. I am sure the OW also feels betrayed. And now...he will need to start somewhere else. Somewhere separate from her. They will need to find a way to trust each other without working for the same company. He will be working unexpected hours and they will need to trust each other. (Which is something he admitted to me he will always have issues with. Especially if they did not work together.) Their perfect little lives are about to change. Welcome to reality.

5 comments posted: Tuesday, November 21st, 2023

Another vacation with my kids

I leave tomorrow evening for a family vacation in Europe. (Which is where both of our families are originally from.) The kids and I are SO excited. My parents have been there since May and we miss them so much. My birthday is Monday, July 17th and I wanted to spend it with my parents and kids. This is such a huge deal for me. I will be visiting so much of my family, as well as XWH's family while I am there. Both his parents and mine have homes there. We were always close to each other's families. Since his parents have been there, they have been with my parents almost every day. I love how close they are and how much they support each other. But this is the first time I go there after my divorce and even after everyone found out what really happened. Everyone is devastated at what he did to us and his side of the family still refuses to even meet the OW.

I continue to be close to his and he has basically cut himself off from everyone on both sides. But that does not stop the kids and I from enjoying time with both sides of the family. His choices. His consequences. Not mine. Not my kids. Not either of our families'. My in-laws arrived this weekend, along with his grandmother. My BIL and SIL (his only brother) and our niece will be flying out with us tomorrow evening. We will be spending a large part of our vacation together. I will be splitting my time between my parents' house and his parents'. This will be the first trip we take as a family after our niece passed away last summer after her 9 year battle with cancer. It will be bittersweet. I am just glad that we will be there to help support my BIL, SIL and her younger sister. I know there will be moments that will be more difficult than others, but there will also be moments that memories will be made and I am incredibly grateful for that.

For those that know my story, you can understand why I still remain close to his family. They were there for my kids and I, which I know rarely happens. They choose to stand by me because they know I have always put my kids first. To some, it may be strange that I am divorced, but still call my in-laws....my in-laws. But to me, it feels normal. They were part of my life for over 20 years and are family. They are my children's blood and I will always do everything in my power to make sure they continue to have a relationship with their father's side of the family. I truly love his family. It is difficult being around them sometimes because it makes me sad that it has come to this. It triggers me. But the rewards are far bigger and I guess this is what you call New Beginnings. Living my life unapologetically. Being able to find peace in this all. Moving on without the person you thought would be part of your story forever. Even if that means moving on with his family.

As a side note and for some laughs.....XWH still barely communicates with his family. Some of you may remember when I posted a few months ago how his parents wanted to take my kids to Europe and he refused to let them go with them because they "weren't accepting his new life" and "didn't know what they would be telling his family there regarding the divorce". Well.....I am taking them now. It won't be for as long as they wanted, but they are still going. Now.....the entire family will be there and it seems he is feeling a bit "upset" about it. He didn't even know his brother was going until our son said something about his uncle coming on the plane with us on Father's Day. Our daughter went outside to wish him a Happy Father's Day and she told me he looked like a deer in headlights when he found out. He stated to his father "he doesn't know how his family is going to portray everyone being there, Including his ex-wife and kids and him not being part of this at all". His father told him "it is a bit late for you to now worry about what people are going to think". They are going to think what they choose to think and it is none of my business." Apparently, I was supposed to wait to go and see his family AFTER he had a chance to go visit them and give them his side of the story. His mother received a call from him the day they arrived. Completely out of the blue. She was shocked because he hasn't called her in months. He claimed he saw a missed call from her and wanted to know "if they needed something". She knew right away that the only reason he was calling all the sudden was to pretend like he was "involved" and make himself look good to his family overseas. Just like he did during our niece's services last summer. Spent that week calling, visiting his parents and brother, attending the services as if he had been there for her during her last years. Made promises he had no intentions on keeping. After the services were done, he went right back to his old ways. Our younger niece lost her sister almost 1 year ago. Do you know how many times he has reached out to her to ask how she is doing? None. He sucks. But his family is the best and I am so thankful they came into my life.

2 comments posted: Thursday, July 13th, 2023

Just not sure how to feel about this

I am so conflicted on how I should feel about this. After years of so much pain and hurt….my XWH seems to have gotten what he wanted. He has been made the general manager of a new dealership his company just opened. The company he was working for during the affair with the married OW. And they are both still working there. Towards the end of last year, he bought a house with the OW (which was basically the nail on the coffin with his relationship with our daughter.) He still has no relationship with her. After she found out about the house, I feel like even bringing his name up is an issue for her. She cuts off the conversation if he is brought up and no longer engages in any discussions about him. It makes me sad. Even her therapist has noticed a shift. He picks up our son once a week for about 3 hours. That is the extent of it. Neither of the children have met the OW. Our daughter still refuses to have anything to do with her. His parents, brother, sister in law have also not met her. No one has been to his new house. His parents told him they refuse to meet her or have anything to do with this "new life" of his.

For those that remember, our niece passed away last August after a 9 year battle with cancer. He continues to not be there for anyone and has never even reached out to our other niece, who is 10 and struggling with the loss of her sister.

This just makes me so so sad. It isn’t fair. I am raising our children basically on my own. (He does financially help, because I fought like hell for that.) But his responsibilities stop there. He gets to go home to no children, no parenting responsibilities. Just him and the OW. Gets to continue to focus on his career and himself, which is what he wanted.

I should be used to my life now. I know I can’t depend on him for anything. I do it all alone. He hasn’t been to any of our son’s soccer games for over 2 1/2 years at this point. No practices. Doctor’s appointments, nothing at all. He never even checks in with me to see how they are doing. I am the one that reaches out if something does come up. I guess I should be "ok" knowing that this is it. I am a single mom. He helps financially and everything else falls on me. At least that is the one thing that is consistent in our lives. His inconsistency. But it still sucks that in the end, he gets the position he wanted at the expense of us. He hurt us all so bad and is just going about his life like nothing happened. He neglected our niece during the moments she needed him the most. And he can’t "fix" it. She is gone. Our daughter is still struggling and in therapy. I know he doesn’t get the honor of seeing our children everyday and being part of their lives as much as he should. I know I am incredibly lucky that I get to raise the two most amazing kids in the world and that because he chooses not to prioritize his relationship with them, I get them all the time. But it still sucks and hurts like hell.

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Kanye West Is Taking a 1-Year Break From Music, Vory Says

7 comments posted: Tuesday, June 13th, 2023

Co-parenting therapy

Hi everyone. It has been a while since I have been on here. Hope everyone is doing well

I needed some help on navigating my thoughts for a co-parenting therapy session I have tonight with my X. First, I want to clarify that the reason I agreed to even do co-parenting therapy with him was because of my children. Our 14 year old daughter is not in a good place at all and I will always do whatever I can to try and help my kids. For those that have followed my story, you know that our daughter barely has a relationship with her dad and he continues to make things difficult for her to want one. Throughout the hell he put us through, he never once focused on repairing his relationship with our child and that is what hurts her the most. He has turned his focus on his career and the OW, but even after hurting her so much, he never focused on her. I can't minimize that and this is what we are discussing in therapy. Since our daughter does not want to enter any sessions with her dad, I am trying, with the help of our therapist, to attempt to explain why our daughter is where she is with him. (This will only be our 4th session) Currently, our MSA states that he gets no overnights with the children until "their therapist feels it is the right time and we agree to do family therapy as recommended by the therapists." Our daughter's therapist, which she was with for 2 years, recently terminated her services because she felt uncomfortable with my X's reaction to our child not wanting a relationship with him. My X was insisting on "family sessions" because he felt out of the loop with things. Meanwhile, he spent years doing his own thing and not really reaching out for updates. After our daughter recently calling him "the worst dad in the world", he flipped and immediately began playing the victim. As always, he blames everyone else, including the therapist and became a bit aggressive with his delivery. It was our fault he knew nothing about his child and it was our fault she doesn't want a relationship with him. Which obviously is not the case at all. We have both always encouraged a relationship between them, but we want it to be a healthy relationship. I had a long conversation with the therapist and told her that I did not want her to ever feel uncomfortable. She felt that she could no longer help and recommended a few therapists with more resources. I found her another therapist and she has had a few sessions with her. She really likes her and thinks she is a good fit for her. She feels "safe" and the therapist keeps assuring her that she is there for HER, not for me or for her dad.

Currently, our daughter spends no time with him and our 10 year old son spends 2-3 hours every Wednesday night with him. He has not introduced the OW to either of them and our son recently voiced that he is uncomfortable and does not want to be around her. Long story short, our son did not know much of what had taken place and recently found out in an age-appropriate way what daddy did. He found out after daddy decided to randomly take him to his new house he purchased with the OW and act like he purchased it with someone who is "just a girlfriend." He never told me he was taking him nor did I even know he had purchased this new home. (Realistically, he doesn't have to tell me that he purchased a new place, etc.) However, he should have told me he was taking our son there at the very least. He knows our circumstances and how upset our daughter would potential be by this news. Our son walked into our home like a dear in headlights not really knowing how to feel. He was caught off guard and so was I. Honestly, I went into panic mode when he walked in and told me. My mind immediately went to my daughter and how she was going to react. I was given no time to prepare our children for this huge news. Our son, innocently of course, told his sister. Told her that "daddy bought a really big house with his new girlfriend" "He told me he is going to buy furniture for my room there and you will also have a room." Our daughter FLIPPED. She was HYSTERICAL. I stood there in complete shock. I texted him back and forth and he called me. I voiced my concerns, but of course, he didn't see the wrong in what he did. That was until our daughter texted him and told him that she "was done with him and he was the worst dad in the world.". She basically told him that he proved where his priorities are and that she deserves a dad that cares enough to put her first. It hurt me SO bad I can't even describe it. To see my child hysterical and say that her dad just never cared about what he did to her was hard. She said that "he knows how she feels about the OW and if he wants a relationship with her so bad, why would he buy a house with someone she will never be comfortable around?" "Why wouldn't he buy something on his own so she can feel comfortable going to when they were in a better place?" He knew she would never go to this new house, so him telling her brother that he will have a room there for her is "just stupid." It was a really rough few weeks following this. She ended up telling her younger brother what daddy did. She was careful on how she told him and apologized afterwards, but she said she was just tired of her dad not being truthful to anyone. She was tired of hearing her brother come home and say "why don't you come out with daddy" "you are hurting his feelings", etc. In all honesty, she was just tired of watching her dad play the victim with everyone while he continues to hurt us.

So after this, he asked me to begin co-parenting therapy. During our first session, he told our therapist "I want my kids to treat me the way they treat their mother" He said that "I have a lot of influence on our daughter and needs my support" Over the last few sessions, not much progress has been made. He still feels entitled to continue to make decisions that hurt others with no consequences. He says that he knows our daughter needs to want a relationship with him in order for them to have one, but continues to put it on our child. He takes little accountability for the outcome and that is why I feel that things may never change. Our daughter is done giving him chances. For her, it is all or nothing at this point. From her perspective, I think she was just wanting to feel important enough to her dad for him to stop prioritizing his career and the OW and really focus on them for a period of time. I told him that I will always support our children having healthy relationship with him, but our child's mental health has been compromised because of what took place for years, and that is something that I need to take into account.

During our last session, I became frustrated. I was trying to explain that my child has reasons for feeling the way she does and her feelings were caused by her dad continuously doing things. Our therapist said that "it was my perspective that his feelings were hurting my child" I flipped.....I said to both of them "how is it MY perspective if our child kept telling him he was hurting her? She wrote him letters, had conversations with him, text messages, over and over again for YEARS.....and he would just keep doing things." They both sat there in silence. Our therapist turns to me X and says "can you understand how what you did could now affect your child wanting a relationship with you?" He responded "Well, now that she is explaining it, I can see how she is upset" We both agreed that at this point, these sessions will not help much. He wants my child to want a relationship with him but she doesn't. He doesn't go to therapy himself and puts the outcome of everything on my shoulder's and our child's. So, we decided we will try one more session to see how we will move forward as parents. Tonight, I will be given the opportunity to speak, uninterrupted, on how this has affected me as a mom and what I now expect from him. At this point, I want him to respect our children and what they want. If they don't want to be part of the new selfish life he created, that is THEIR CHOICE. I want my kids to be happy. I want our daughter to be able to move on without him guilting her into feeling like she is a horrible person for giving up on him after so much hurt he has caused her. He taught us all how to live without depending on him. He now does not get to demand things when he hasn't been around consistently for years. He was around only on his terms and at his convenience. That in my eyes is not being a father. Being a parent is NOT about convenience. He wasn't there for us when we needed him and now that he has this new house and feels more "settled", he wants us all to all "meet him" where he is. (Meanwhile, he still does things like not showing up to any of our son's soccer games after TWO years.) We have moved on and can't go back to where he is. We can't be forced to relive things that we have worked hard to heal from. My child wants to MOVE ON and she has told him a million times, she can't move on with him if the OW is in his life. Now with this new house, she doesn't see a way to move past this. I never want to speak for my child or make decisions for her, but as a mother, I have the right to feel the need to protect t her after everything that has taken place. I can't have her go back to locking herself in her room for days and crying or being depressed for weeks on end or failing every class in school. The reality is, the actions of my X and the OW have drastically affected my child and they both need to come to terms with that. They can't now decide to rewrite their relationship and how it started or how much they hurt us all. Screw that. I am just over all this self-entitlement. Their "happiness" is NOT MORE IMPORTANT than my children's or mine and it certainly is not more important than our peace.

I want to walk in tonight and just go into detail with some things he did so the therapist can understand more. I just want to say them and ask what is now expected of us. We are only human. My children did not deserve to question their worth with their own father. I want to ask him to try and understand that we all deserve happiness and our happiness may just not look like his. He could have done so much differently, but he choose to continue seeking his own "happiness" at the expense of his family. That is not ok and never will be. It may be too late for our child, but that is a decision only she can make. I will continue communicating with him about the kids. Our son will do what he feels comfortable with and we will support him along the way. But I can't continue feeling punished for always putting our kids first and him choosing not to. I just feel like I have put myself to the side for so long to help our kids heal and pick up the pieces alone and that was unfair. Sorry.....I may just be rambling on. I just need reassurance that I am not going crazy here for just wanting some peace and not feel obligated in helping my X when he doesn't seem to want to help himself.

7 comments posted: Tuesday, December 20th, 2022

I don't think this is forgivable.....

I am not sure if this is the correct forum to post this on. Sorry in advance if it is not.

I have always been one to believe that everything was forgivable to a certain degree. My therapist always says that you forgive someone for yourself, not for them. That forgiving them takes away the power they/the situation has over you. I understand that way of thinking. Sounds very logical. But, I reached a point that I do not think I will ever be able to forgive my XWH for this.

To start off, I am officially divorced. (As of September 12th) I was going to come on here and talk about how relieved I was and how well things turned out for me in the divorce. How so much has changed since DD on 10/14/17, but how so much has not changed. How I represented myself (with the direction of one of my bosses) and am so incredibly proud of myself for how much I fought for myself and my kids. How he had a great family law attorney representing him and I did it on my own. I will do that soon. I will come on here and give you all the details. Promise. But first, I feel like there is something A LOT more important I need to share with you all.

This past summer, I took my kids to Jamaica. If some of you remember, I picked Jamaica because it was the place my XWH promised the kids and I he would take us, while he was trying to win us all back with his fake ass promises. Well…..he ended up doing the same crap to us, yet again, and thought it was ok to take his mistress there….then come home with souvenirs for my kids, like it was no big deal. My daughter was so heartbroken. Anyway…..I took them and we had an amazing time. It was my favorite vacation with my kids to date.

Those that have been following my story, also know that I had a niece that was battling cancer for the last 8 years. She was 11 years old. (She is my XWH’s only brother’s daughter) I remain very close to his side of the family. They have all been amazing to me and he barely speaks to them. He continues to isolate himself from everyone because they will not support what he has done and want nothing to do with the OW. In the beginning of this year, we received the devastating news that our niece was getting worse and her doctors told us there were no further treatment plans available that she qualified for. So in January, his brother called my XWH and told him. He asked that he step up and contact his niece/goddaughter more. She missed him and needed him. That we were not being given much hope and did not know how much time we had with her. (Quick background……there was always a very special bond between my niece and my XWH. Before the A, we both spent a lot of time with his family. My nieces and our kids are very close. She really did love him very much. After the A, he basically neglected everyone, including the kids. Even after he stopped being around the family and never visited her, she still loved him and asked for him to come see her.) Nothing really changed after his brother called him. I believe he texted her a couple of times. In May, she got much worse. She began having issues breathing and needed an oxygen tank almost 24/7. My sister-in-law made the decision to call my XWH again and tell him she was getting even worse and he needed to step up. She told him that his niece would cry because he never visited her or communicated. She felt like he didn’t care.

We created a bucket list with her and spent the summer doing as much as we could with her. My niece had a heart of gold. Her dream was to open up a shelter for children so they had a place to go and feel safe. Her last project was developing a "backpack project" where she teamed up with her yoga instructor and collected backpacks and school supplies for children in need. She struggled every day just to do things we take for granted…..eat, breathe, live. Yet, she found the strength to help others. We lost her on August 24th. My children and I were literally in flight back from Jamaica when she took her last breathe. When our plane landed, I turned on my phone and saw the multiple text messages and voicemails from our family. I was devastated, but managed to hold it together for my kids until we got to my in-laws to tell them. I still do not know how I did not lose it on the plane or in the airport. I just didn't want to tell my children in an airport that they had just lost their cousin. My daughter and her were best friends. She is beyond heartbroken.

It has been almost 1 month and it still seems surreal that she is gone. This last month has been extremely difficult for so many reasons. After she passed, I was told by my brother-in-law and sister-in-law that my X never made any effort to be there for their daughter or them. Even after their phone calls. He went to visit her once in May and that was it. She passed away in August….and he hadn’t seen her since May. She would try to Facetime him sometimes and he wouldn’t pick up. He would sometimes take days to call her back. He would ignore text messages. Towards the end, she stopped trying because she really was so hurt by him. The last time he tried calling her back days after she had called him, she didn’t even want to pick up anymore. She just started crying.

The morning after she passed, by SIL and BIL Facetimed me. I had reached out to them the night before and told them when they were ready to talk to me, I was there for whatever they needed. I was also very concerned about their younger daughter and wanted to know how she was doing as well. They both began venting and telling me the details of what had happened between my X and their daughter. I knew they had both called him and knew he wasn’t being the best at supporting them. But I was not aware of the extent. I honestly thought he was at least picking up calls or responding to messages. I even thought that he had gone to visit her a few times this summer. I just never asked because it was a very sore subject for all of us. I honestly never knew how to even bring it up to them when we were together and I certainly was not going to ask my niece if her uncle was reaching out to her. I can’t even describe how I felt when they gave me the details. I couldn’t even breathe I was so angry.

Gets worse……as I am Facetiming them, my X texts his brother telling him he wants to stop by their house. My BIL responds "I am not ready for visitors". My X responds "I am not a visitor, I am your brother"……and my BIL ignores it. My BIL said "He is not my brother, he is a visitor." They really were very angry at him and were not ready to speak to him. They needed time and that should have been respected. They had just lost their child and were trying to keep it together for their younger daughter. Well….my X did not care. He showed up at his parents crying and playing victim about how he can’t believe she was gone and then drove to his brother’s house. My SIL and BIL were civil enough to let him in and speak to him calmly. They did not scream. My BIL told him that his daughter would not want him to scream, even though he was extremely angry at him. They basically told him that they do not need him around. Their daughter needed him and he choose not to be around. They forgave him, but are done. Of course…..he tried to speak in the mist of it and my SIL cut him off and told him that "He was in no position to speak at all. He was going to sit here and listen." Apparently, he was trying to make excuses that the family had "cut him off and he was uncomfortable around everyone." My BIL told my XWH " You are not understanding the extent of what you did to my child. She was dying and you were not there for her when she needed you most. She was your niece and your godchild. You are my only ‘brother’ and you choose to not be there for any of us. My kid was dying and you never checked in to see how I was doing. How my wife was doing. How my younger daughter was doing. How your children were handling their cousin dying. I have to do something that no parent should ever have to do. I have to bury my child and after years of you neglecting us all, now you want to play hero and be here. MY CHILD DIED THINKING YOU DIDN’T LOVE HER. As a parent, I don’t see myself recovering from this. You can’t go back and make things right with her because she is gone. I just hope you don’t continue to do this crap to your children because you are blessed. You have 2 healthy, beautiful children. My niece and nephew are amazing." He started crying when he left. Then he hugged his brother and said "Sorry…..one day when I get the chance, I will tell you about my problems" YEP…..you read that right! I seriously couldn’t make this crap up if I tried.

So my X of course attended the arrangements. He sat there crying. He apparently told his parents that his brother was very harsh on him and should not have said the things he did. He was "offended." Had a bunch of co-workers and "higher-ups" come. Acted as if he had been there all this time and was on great terms with all of us. He really put on a show! Like he had been there for his brother all this time. Meanwhile, he hadn’t seen our niece since MAY!

Needless to say…..services were done and he is basically back to his old self. Our son had his first soccer game this past weekend and he didn’t show up. (Hasn’t been to a game in more than 1 ½ years.) I honestly thought he was going to begin showing up because he asked me about his games and when they were going to post them in the app during the days were saw each other for the services. (Even though he has the same access to the app that I do.) Why even ask if you are not going to go? Barely communicates. School started…..has never even asked anything related to our kids’ teachers, school, etc. Same crap. I honestly don’t expect anything different from him. Even after the show he put on at the services. We all knew it was an act and short-lived.

I was getting use to the way I felt about him. No expectations. Feeling indifferent. He got no overnights in the divorce. Only got 2-3 hours a week with our son. He didn’t fight me for more time. Tried to fight me on the alimony and child support....but no extra time with his kids. He clearly doesn't want the responsibility of being a father and wants to be a father only when it is convenient for him. Now, he gets to do whatever he wants and be with his mistress, living a carefree life. And honestly, I really don't care about that anymore. At least my children get a stable life with me. I really was getting use to our new lives. BUT…..after I found out he was ignoring our niece’s calls and making no effort to be there for her, something in me changed. Yes, he has done this to our kids and neglected them. But this was a child that was dying. She spent 8 years of her 11 year life fighting for her life. I am devastated. I don’t even want to see him anymore. EVER. My SIL told me that she literally feels repulsed being in his presence and I feel the same exact way. I can’t even stomach him anymore. Who behaves this way? How could someone live with themselves doing this to a child? I don‘t think this is something I can forgive him for. Worst part is….I have to raise my children with this man. I need to figure out a way to live knowing my kids’ father is inhuman and this breaks my heart in so many ways.

13 comments posted: Friday, September 23rd, 2022

I finally signed my Matrimonial Settlement Agreement!

So I did this thing today......it was liberating, yet sad....exciting, yet scary. I finally signed my Matrimonial Settlement Agreement. It has been a LONG time since this process has started and I must say......I am incredibly proud of myself for fighting as hard as I did for my children. For always putting them first, no matter what and no matter who. For never allowing what their father did directly to me or my emotions as a whole get in the way of doing what is best for my babies. I am getting emotional just writing this. DD1 was October 14, 2017.....I still can't believe how much has changed since then. How much I have changed since then. For anyone that does not see the light at the end of the tunnel. For those that think it is not possible to find peace within this process....just know it is possible!!!! It is possible to walk away from infidelity and build a life you deserve....even if it from the ground up.In many ways, I am excited for my future. I am excited to live a life that is full of healthy relationships, genuine and loving people....and raise my children in a way that they deserve to be raised.

I got alimony, I got child support, I got 50% of his 401K, I got 50% of the proceeds of our home and was able to buy a new home for my children and I. I got 100% of overnights with both my children. (Something he did not even fight me on.) I was able to pay off my car, so I can save as much as possible. He will need to get a life insurance policy to cover the alimony and child support.....the list goes on and on. Am I still a bit sad? Yes, absolutely. I had a vision of raising my children with their father and us living a happy life together. I had a vision of my children having a "family". I had a vision of us building an amazing legacy together. But that all changed when he decided to betray me in the worst possible way over and over and over again. So now my vision has changed. I am at peace with this change.

One hour after I sent the MSA to his attorney, he sends me a text message:

"I just heard from my attorney. Thank you for signing the MSA. I would like to co-parent as best as possible and not bicker over things. At the end of the day we have two wonderful children to care for. I believe we can do a great job knowing we will always have our differences. We just have to find the way to respect one another through the process"

Huh?????? I swear my STBWXH has 2 personalities. All of the sudden, he wants to talk about co-parenting and respect. Yet, just last month, he goes on a business trip and doesn’t communicate with either the children or I for TWO weeks. TWO WEEKS! How does a father go TWO weeks without knowing anything about his kids???? And this is not the first time he has done this. Anyone that has followed my story knows how selfish he has been and how much he has hurt my kids. Screw him. Now he wants to talk about respect????? Really???? Where was his respect for me as the mother of his kids when he planned an entire move-out in 2018 and didn’t have the respect to tell me and prepare my babies for coming home to their father now being there???? Or when he last left, after making endless promises to my kids and literally abandoning them emotionally so he can go focus on his mistress???? How do I even respond to his text message???? Such a load of crap. I lost all respect for him and he has done nothing to regain it, so he can take his phony ass words elsewhere. I am going to just sit here and celebrate my victory today of knowing that in the end, I walk out of this with my head held high.

13 comments posted: Saturday, April 30th, 2022

Jana Kramer's new song - The Story (moved to General)

  This Topic has been moved to General

0 comment posted: Monday, February 28th, 2022

Just need some reassurance there are better days ahead

I think all of us BS on here can relate to having days where you are hoping and praying there are better days ahead. Here I am almost 5 years after the initial DD. Following the day that changed my entire life (Oct. 14, 2017), so much has changed. I am have just been having an off week. Maybe it is because our divorce agreement is close to being finalized. Maybe it is because my daughter just turned 14 last Sunday and she basically told my STBXWH that she didn't want to see him for her birthday weekend. Maybe it is because he sees he is losing her and it just doesn't seem to be enough for him to wake up and it breaks my heart. Maybe receiving an email from his attorney today about our agreement triggered emotions in me. Maybe it is because I met an amazing man recently and yet, I still feel hurt and destroyed. I mean....he is AMAZING. my daughter has vocalized how much she loves him and wants me to date him. He has been there for me during times when my STBXWH wasn't and should have. When our marital home flooded last September, my STBXWH wasn't around and this AMAZING man was there every step of the way for all of us. There were times the kids needed their dad and he didn't care enough to be there. Yet, his selfless man has been there for the last year through it all.It gives me comfort in many ways that kind, compassionate and caring men still exist, but it makes me sad that one of those men is not the father of my kids.

So, I guess I shouldn't be feeling this way, but I just can't help it. I am the one left to deal with my children's pain, while he goes about his life with his mistress. It just doesn't seem fair that he caused all this hurt and destruction, but seems unfazed by it all. He claims this is affecting him, but it surely doesn't seem that way. How could he say that but still continue a relationship with the person that caused all this with him while his relationship with our kids is in shambles?

I guess I just need to know that better days lay ahead. That I will not feel this way forever. That I will not be this sad forever. That my kids will be better than they are now. I listened to Jana Kramer's song "My Story" today and it hit home to me. All of this is SO unfair to us BSs, but it is equally unfair to our beautiful children. I hate what him and the OW did to us.....I really really do. I just want better days ahead where I don't feel like this will forever hurt me the way it is still hurting me almost 5 years later.

0 comment posted: Friday, February 25th, 2022

He wants my help with our daughter......

I really need some perspective from my SI family on this. Not really sure how to move forward. As many of you know by reading my previous posts, my STBXWH barely has any relationship with our 13 year old daughter. 100% his fault. He spent a very long time not prioritizing his relationship with her. Even after losing her trust, hurting her…..he still would ignore calls, text messages, etc. It took a toll on her. After spending some much needed time in therapy, she is in a better place. I know she would have loved to have a great relationship with her dad. That is what every child wants. But I also know she is scared to get hurt again and that is a risk I don’t see her taking anymore.

STBXWH reached out to me through a text message Sunday morning before Christmas. He said "I wanted to know if it would be ok if I take the kids out for breakfast on Christmas Eve morning" I responded "absolutely, I think that is a great idea". At the moment, he only picks up our son for a couple of hours on Wednesday evenings and spends no time with our daughter. Even so, I spend every Wednesday convincing our 9 year old son to go with him. I just think so much took place, the kids don’t feel "safe" with him and have really have no desire to spend time with him. Our son even comments to me that they do the same exact thing every week. They have take-out and then play a soccer video game. He says that daddy doesn’t even know he likes other games more now. Daddy hasn’t gone to any of his actual soccer games for well over a year. Doesn’t really go out of his way to be part of his "everyday life" and it seems like he is picking up on the fact that his own dad barely knows him anymore.

Well, back to my issue here. When I responded to him about breakfast, I knew that there was a good chance our daughter would say no, but I never want to make that decision for her. The reality is, she may have wanted to go for some reason. So I brought it up to her that afternoon and she immediately said "no". I asked her why and she just said "I don’t want to deal with it anymore". I asked her again the following day and she said "No, please just stop asking me. I am not going to change my mind." I didn’t ask again. I spent the next couple of days trying to figure out how to tell him. Regardless of what has happened, it hurts that our daughter feels this way. It is so difficult to deal with something like this as a mom. In the meantime, he messaged me 2 days later telling me he was tested positive for COVID, so he wouldn’t be able to take them out. Obviously, he would need to wait well after Christmas to even see them and give them his presents. So, I decided to wait until after Christmas to tell him. I just felt that telling him before Christmas wouldn’t have made a difference other than it would have been something that potentially would have made him upset. I also didn’t know what his reaction would be and I didn’t want him sending our daughter a message that would upset her. So we spent Christmas with my parents, his parents, his brother, our nieces, etc…….and he spent it with….probably his mistress or alone. Who knows. He did text the kids Merry Christmas, but that was the extent of it.

Last Wednesday morning, I decided to text him and tell him about our daughter. I told him that regardless, I had to tell him because I am sure he had intentions on taking them out once he is COVID free. His response caught me off guard. He didn’t seem "upset". Even used the word "disheartening" and said that he just doesn’t know what to do anymore. He has given our daughter "space", just like her therapist asked, but now he doesn’t think it was the right thing. He wants a relationship with her, but she doesn’t even respond to his text messages anymore. He asked me if "I have any suggestions". He mentioned that he had emailed her therapist and she suggested maybe having a family session with the 3 of us. He doesn’t want to lose his relationship with her and wanted to know if I would be open to having a family session. He said "All I want is to have a better relationship with our kids and with you as a parent. I want to be happy and live my life and have you be happy and live yours with the kids." After doing so much, it is just not that easy. I just don't know how to feel about this "revelation" just yet. Is it genuine? It is very difficult for me to believe he will do the right thing for our child when he has done so much in the past. Perfect example….he “wants a better relationship with me as a parent”, but never reaches out to me about the kids. Just last night, we both received several emails and calls about our children’s school going virtual again. He knows I work full time and both our children struggled so much when we went virtual last year.
I mentioned it to him so many times how difficult it was for us. It would have been nice to have had him reach out and ask if he could help in any way or if the kids needed something or if I needed something. That would have been a great start to his “I want us to have a better relationship as parents” comment.
But I guess I am expecting too much at this point. I think he will never fully understand how much damage he created. But I feel like I should support my daughter's relationship with her father as much as possible. I ended up giving him suggestions and agreeing to the family session. I emailed her therapist and she is going to first have a session with our daughter alone and will then have our session. I just now need to figure out a way to tell our daughter and make sure she understands that the only reason I agreed to this was because I do feel like it is what is best for her. The last thing I want is for her to feel like I am forcing her to do something. In the past, I would make her spend time with her dad, call him, etc. But he would just keep doing things to hurt her again. I have to tread very carefully here. I have worked hard to gain back her trust again as well and we are in a really good place now. She spent a long time feeling alone. I was in a bad place with everything he was doing to all of us and she felt like I was not understanding of what how her father was also affecting her. But I also want her to be able to express what she feels and wants from her dad. I just think it will be a good opportunity for her to express to him what she will require from him to feel "safe" again and whether it is enough for her to want to build a relationship with him again. At this point, what she needs from him is not debatable. Put it all out on the table. He either does what she needs or he doesn’t. At least it will give her a better sense of what to expect instead of being in this "stagnant" situation with him. It will put the ball in his court. I hope this makes sense. Any suggestions on the best way to approach telling her? During the session, I just intend to sit, listen and support my child. Unless I feel the absolute need to, I will let her therapist intervene between them when necessary. I just hope this does not back fire on me.

20 comments posted: Monday, January 3rd, 2022

Our new home.....our new safe place

So I did this thing……..I sold our home and bought a new home place for us. The only home my children have ever known. It still seems surreal to me. It was really tough for so many reasons and liberating for so many other reasons. It gave me back a sense of independence and self-worth. After being treated like someone’s personal punching bag for years and being told various times that "I would be nothing without them or would have nothing without them"….. it feels liberating to know that those words no longer hold power over me. I am proud of myself and my children are as well. Especially our 13 year old daughter. She has told me so many times how proud she is that I have come so far. I had so many bumps along the road. Our home flooded 1 week before I was planning to put it on the market and 1 week after I signed a Contract for our new home. It was a complete nightmare. I had worked so hard to get it ready to market……without the help of my STBXWH. He of course always expected 50 % of the proceeds…..but NEVER came around to help. Wanted the house on the market, but never cared about what needed to be done to get us there. Even when our home flooded and I told him what was going on, along with our 13 year old daughter….he never bothered checking in afterwards. So many of his belongings were still at the house, but that wasn’t enough modification to come help. I just don’t understand it. This is also HIS home and aside from that….his children LIVE THERE. As their father and ESPECIALLY someone who is "trying" to build a relationship with his children again….you are not going to show up when your family needs you most? Then he wonders why our daughter continues to want nothing to do with him. I had his family and our closest friends helping me day and night. I worked day and night…while taking care of OUR children full time and working full time. His parents are amazing. His family has been amazing. Our friends have been amazing. They have been there for our children and I every step of the way. They are all beyond frustrated with him at this point because no matter how amazing they were and how much help I had…..having their father there would have made all the difference to my children.

I was planning on staying in the house for a few more years. I wanted to do this because he had already put us through so much. I wanted my children to have stability. I wanted my children to feel safe. But that all changed in the beginning of this year when he told me that "he would have bragging rights for paying me alimony." It changed everything for me. It changed me. He had put us through hell….and still had the audacity to say he would have bragging rights and that we would still be living "an amazing life because of him." After the initial shock, I knew what I had to do. Yes, that home held so many beautiful memories, but we have been dealing with so much pain from what he has done, the beautiful memories seem to be overshadowed by everything else. We needed a fresh start. Just walking into our "new kitchen" everyday was a constant reminder of his deceptive strategies. Pretending like he was "making things right and changing". Having our dream kitchen built, the entire home remodeled….to only turn around months later and doing the same horrible things to us again. We needed a place to call our own. A safe place…and that "house" no longer felt safe and no longer felt like home.

Unfortunately, my STBXWH has not changed at all. He has done ZERO growth. Continues to put his wants and "needs" before our children. I never thought things could have gotten worse between him and our 13 year daughter, but here we are. He claims he wants to have a relationship with her. Now started sending her random text messages that he misses and loves her. But his actions continue to prove otherwise. Just this past Thanksgiving, he dropped off our son on a Wednesday evening. (He spends 2 hours a week with him….and sometimes I have to convince our son to go with him.) He comes into the house (we were still living in our old home) and drops off something I had asked him for. We begin discussing the proceeds of the house and the MSA open issues. Very briefly. Things have been "civil". All the sudden…..he flips. Begins screaming at the top of his lungs about how his mother is a POS and his family is horrible for treating him the way they are. That I am not perfect, so why are my parents ok with me. That we were married to each other and I was also part of the reason all of this happened. Why is he the only one getting crap from everyone and how dare he be treated this way. Etc., etc. Our daughter comes downstairs and asks him to stop. To asks that he stop speaking about her grandparents that way. Our son starts crying. I ask him to leave. Politely. I don’t yell. He looks at our daughter and tells her to go upstairs before he does something he may regret. She looks straight at him and says "no". He yells are her again and I ask her to please just go upstairs with her brother, close her door and I would handle this. At that point….I asked him again to leave and he begins walking out the door while continuing his rant. I just don’t get it. I really thought we were all beyond this. His anger clearly needs to be redirected and he continues to blame everyone but himself.

To top it all off….The very next morning (Thanksgiving morning), he sent our daughter a text message. "Happy Thanksgiving. I hope you are as happy and grateful as I am". She never responded. A few days later, He sends me a text message telling me that he contacted her therapist telling her what is going on and that her not responding to his text message was very disrespectful. I ignored it. I just can’t take his ego-inflated mentality anymore. He can do whatever he wants. Be as disrespectful as he wants, but then he expects respect in return. Regardless if she is a child or not, she also deserves respect. Both my kids do. How was any of what he did showing them respect for the last 5 years? He has done this so often. Behaves however he chooses then completely pretends like it never happened and wants everyone to just move on. Never apologized for what he did the night before. Just expected her to dismiss it all.

He claims he "could care less what people think and whether his family supports his decisions or not", but it is clear he does care. He just always thought everything would work out the way "he wanted it to". He continues in a relationship with his mistress. Yes, many WS do this. I have seen it on here so often. Everyone is free to make whichever decisions they want in life, but they are not free from the consequences of those decisions. He dragged us through hell…..it was just completely unfair what he did. It was years of emotional and mental abuse. We will never be the same. Instead of coming to terms with all of this and focusing on rebuilding his relationship with our children, he chooses this crap. She has told him so many times that she will never be ok with his mistress and the whole "affair". It was just too much. Too much pain. She doesn’t want any of "that" around her. He just shoves that aside……continues doing what he does and then says he wants a relationship with her. It hurts me as a mother to see her continuing to feel unworthy by her own father. To put a mistress and affair in front of your old child. I just don’t understand it.

So, this new home of ours is just a big step in our healing process. Now more than ever, I know it was the right decision. He needs to learn that no amount of material things will ever "fix" what he has done to us. That him remodeling a home, buying us things....to only turn around and break his promises for the 100th time was devastating on us. We will be ok eventually. It will take time. But the house we were living in and he was also part owner of is something he will not be able to hold over our heads. He no longer has "bragging rights" over that.

10 comments posted: Monday, December 20th, 2021