SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

sef85843 the fact that he got a married woman pregnant says a lot about him and the fact that you were a mistress to a married man says a lot about you.

Not sure what kind of response you were hoping for but since you are on an infidelity forum...

People that cheat have something broken in them, same with people who date married people. I don't think either of you should be in any kind of relationship until you figure out why you have weak boundaries.

Both of you need IC.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 12:52 PM, February 14th (Friday)]

I don't think either of you should be in any kind of relationship until you figure out why you have weak boundaries

^^^^^^^^^

THIS

I posted because I wanted to share my crazy, insane and in every way unconventional story. I guess I was looking for perspective and advice, not necessarily support.

Alright, so you want advice. My advice to you then:

1. Moving forward, do not be engaging in these "social experiments" with other men period, but particularly other men in relationships. For a few reasons...This 'tend and befriend' tendency of yours will only get you into further trouble e.g., relationships/affairs with the wrong men whom you feel the need to rescue/figure out.

2. Even besides the fact that he is cheating on his wife with you....he is also an OM. When he got with his wife at the time, she was married to someone else.

3. What everyone else already said.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 1:24 PM, February 14th (Friday)]

So...there wasn't really anything in your post justifying your affair as particularly special or even sordid. I know you believe deep down that it's not just a vanilla affair and it was special, but from where I'm standing it's maybe vanilla bean at best (worst).

I'd advise just read the sidebar advise over again there's no silver bullet or special advise for you as you've essentially walked face first into becoming the average OW.

crazyblindsided...

She had been separated from her husband for about a year when Evan impregnated her. The state I live in is anti-divorce and it literally takes forever to get one finalized. You have to be living apart for a year and have a signed separation agreement before you can even file for divorce. Once you file you then have to wait until you get a spot on the docket for a final hearing. It takes on average 18 months to 2 years to finalize a divorce.

So while she wasn't married she wasn't legally divorced either. But because it takes so long to get through the process a lot of people start dating before the divorce is final. What I did, however, is horrible and disgusting. I know that and I'm not proud of it. It made me feel dirty and used. It's precisely the reason I broke up with him and I told him as such.

On a macro level, people have the ability to change who they are if they want to. Who Evan was in June, 2017 and who he is now in February, 2020 are two different people. I'm not the same either. I've literally watched this evolution take place (albeit with an 8 month absence). I can't predict what I'm going to eat for dinner tonight let alone what's going to happen with us in the next 3,6, 12 months but I can at least take the experience from my marriage that sometimes people change for the worse and sometimes for the better.

And over the course of everyone’s life people change – sometimes dramatically. They can change faiths, political parties/beliefs, moving countries, death of family members, supporting elderly family members to their hair color and clothing styles. If you think about it when you commit to someone, you don’t actually know who you’re committing to. You know who they are today but you have no idea who this person is going to be in five years, ten years and so on. You have to be prepared for the unexpected and truly ask yourself if you admire this person regardless of the superficial (and not so superficial) details because I promise all of them at some point are going to either change or go away.

Relationships survive because regardless of the change there is a bedrock of inherent deep respect for each other that allowed them to adapt to whatever changes occur. That's the kind of respect Evan and his ex didn't have for each other because in the back of his mind he always felt trapped (even though it was a trapping of his own doing) and in hers because she ended up marrying the "rebound guy" as she didn't want to be a single mom of four children. He was 26 when he met his ex-wife and she was 37. He's not the dumb, reckless 20-something anymore and with age comes experience and wisdom to a certain degree. He will not make the same mistakes again because he now knows the consequences.

I guess I think it's possible for the two of us to develop a relationship of mutual respect, understanding and dare I say love now that he has the opportunity to do so.

If they've been separated, for well over a year, why is it that you have met none of his family?

You obviously think you are better than his wife. You believe you and her father can show her what a healthy relationship looks like.

Let's break that down.

You really have no idea what kind of marriage they have had. You only know what he tells you,and cheaters lie.

How can you show this child what a healthy relationship looks like,when you are not in a healthy relationship? An affair is the exact opposite, and even if you try to legitimize the relationship after the divorce, it still will be an unhealthy relationship. Both of you are cheaters. Neither of you have done any work on yourself. You speak of mutual respect, but neither of you respect the other. If you did, neither of you would have encouraged the other to be the worst version of themselves.

You need to leave his child alone.

How often have the two of you had shared financial difficulties?

How often have you cleaned up his vomit,because he had the flu?

How often have the two of you navigated family issues?

How often have you washed the shit stains from his underwear?

How often has he had to buy tampons because your cramps are too painful to leave the house?

I'd venture to say zero. Because this isn't a real relationship.

His child won't like you. Not once she is old enough,and realizes daddy divorced mommy, and broke apart their family because of you.

You know what typically happens when a man divorces his wife for the OW? Well, now that the position of side piece is open, he will eventually fill it with another woman.

I'd love to meet his daughter and his family....

How about you put your money where your mouth is? You say you're not out to hurt anyone?... leave his kid and his ex-wife ALONE. You've done enough damage to them already.

from where I'm standing it's maybe vanilla bean at best (worst).

Actually, more like artificial vanilla extract. In fact, very much so! True vanilla bean is highly cherished and expensive and difficult to cultivate. Artificial vanilla extract is a cheap imitation, which is what an affair is to a true well cultivated relationship!

Must be a great relationship if you are posting about it and gloating (or likely trolling) here. A man like that is no prize - he uses people, he is a user. Anyone who “overlaps relationships is. He never gave his marriage a chance by inviting you into it. Save it for your HuffPost essay about all the people you stepped on to achieve your relationship bliss and personal happiness (which is of course the most important thing right?).

[This message edited by Justsomelady at 3:27 PM, February 14th (Friday)]

Is this the so-called "alpha" you were trying to win?

He isn't an alpha. An alpha provides and protects because it is in his nature. This dude is a garden-variety, immoral user of people.

I think you two sound perfect for each other.

We broke up because I was ashamed of being a side-piece and wanted a real relationship

happy, loving, stable relationship and as my relationship with Evan evolves I'm hoping I can show her what that looks like.

If he truly was separated for a year, you weren't his sidepiece. It was all legitimate. Yet, here you are. All angsty. I suspect you aren't telling us the truth because you don't want to be a villain. Or paint yourself like the rest of us so you can hold on to the pipe dream of true luv and happily ever after. Still not unique or unconventional there. Many female WS have been there and done that here. You are self destructing and you need to heal and learn to love yourself without him.

IMO, it isn't a real relationship just because he broke up and is now divorced because it already started out as an affair. Just saying. You will always still be the OW.

When he and his wife met, it wasn't supposed to be a serious relationship.

Sound familiar? Isn't that the definition of your tale with him? Not going to happen with two cheaters together. There is no reason to really dig deep and focus on why you both chose to cheat due to what you lack in yourselves and your character. Or the fact that you both are willing to step on people to get something.

We all deserve love and while it may not happen in the most moral fashion or in the way it should, sometimes when something is meant to be, it's meant to be.

Yeah, because two people are meant to be via hurting people and being the worst version of themselves. Perfectly logical.

She was separated but not divorced when they met and a month after her divorce was final, and being four months pregnant with Evan's

So, you know word of mouth? That means they were together for at least 5 months with no pregnancy raising a baby expectations. Now you are also trying to paint him as being a good guy who didn't cheat with another married woman by saying she was separated. You know that for sure. Have you asked her that? Did you talk to her ex-husband and know first hand from him that they were separated.

..the relationship was only five months old when she became pregnant

So 5 months of being in a tale together. Him cheating with her. Wanting to be with her. She became pregnant. He is still with her. Finds out 4 months later she is pregnant. So, that makes at least 9 or 10 months of wanting to be with her before he finds out she is pregnant which is a month after her divorce making them together while married for at least 8 months. His choosing because it was real. They have been married how long? You come along and the 4 years of on again off again flirting,teasing, playing hard to get, cheating trumps it all because you were there for all those years of marriage....though you have been in and out for only 4? okay

We've invested so much time and energy with each other I feel like I know him well enough to know he wouldn't do anything he truly didn't want to do. If he wanted to dump me, he could. If he wanted to tell me off and say it's over, he could do that too. But he hasn't.

So, you just said he wouldn't do something he wouldn't want to do. He wanted to be married. He wanted to stay married. Now, to justify cheating and divorce he rewrote marriage history. Ask his wife. Ask her ex-husband. He hasn't left because he is afraid of being alone. He is needy. You are needy and easy. So, there you are. Both still together and unhealthy.

my desk to tell me that he's thought of nothing but me for the last eight months and finally found the courage to end his marriage.

considering the way you started your first post, I would have expected you to have written that in your first post. Now, you add it. After people have called you out. Gaslighting.

We know more about each other than most and we have an uncanny ability to talk about things most people don't know or want to talk about. In raw terms, there's a connection and chemistry between us that's undeniable.

Nothing unique about that. Majority here had the same connections. Easy and perfectly logical explanation for this that has nothing to do with soul mates or star crossed lovers. We have affairs with our mirror images. We enjoy looking at them and seeing ourselves reflected back. Only our mirror images would be willing to do what we want to do. There is nothing special here and it is not a special snowflake thing. Another chapter in the cheaters character sheet.

He had never cheated on his wife before I came along.

So, you admit he cheated on his wife with you and it wasn't that he was separated.

So while she wasn't married she wasn't legally divorced either.

then you gaslight and say they were separated for a year. Yet, you feel so disgusted for being an OW? Something doesn't add up. Why be disgusted if they truly were over when you two started. I think call horse pucky. You are leaving something out and the numbers just don't add up. You really can't handle that he might have wanted and loved his ex-wife at some point. You either are afraid of that or you don't want to be a villain. The more people say, you don't know. The more you paint this horrible picture of her and their marriage. You don't know for sure. You can't.

family doesn't know about me or our relationship.

reminds me of Sojourner. Her AP or now fiance, or married whatever didn't know that he was having an affair and marrying the new girlfriend was actual his OW. The levels of deception just to save face. Well, their case was his inheritance because his father would have disowned him for cheating on his family and divorcing because of that. She the AP was completely happy to be that dirty little secret. I am sure she is holding her head up with pride today. If I were you, I would look for Demeter or Antelope's posts. They both had zero accountability for themselves and thought their affairs were true luv. Had little to no gumption about who they hurt because the OBS was supposedly so bad and in some deserved to be cheated on so having the affair with the married men was justified. Maybe you will see yourself in their posts.

every way unconventional story

no it isn't. You just are twisting it and hoping it will be by pretending it is some cheating romance soul mate novel. There is nothing new or unconventional about it. I just gave you 3 other people that had the same story.

ex-husband who left me for another woman believe me when I say I understand the pain infidelity causes.

So, you know what it feels like and you chose to do it to someone else's family because you think you might win this time?

but maybe not all marriages are the same.

justification. What ever way you can spin it to live with what you chose to do. Actually this sounds so much like Antelopes posts. This is exact story has been told before. The vague details, then all about how horrible the OBS is as a wife, person, and mother to justify you being a the Knight In Shining Armor to save the day. I have read this here before. Nothing unique or unconventional.

If it is a troll, that is okay. Trolls are like cheaters. Lying and manipulation to feed egos due to a lack of self love and get attention just like cheaters did or do. We are all alike and both need help.

Once he separated from his wife I was no longer a mistress.

To most people you will be. If you are Christian you will be. Repenting means you stop sinning. You will still be sinning if you stay with the man you cheated with and broke up a family for. I hope you both aren't Christian.

His child won't like you. Not once she is old enough,and realizes daddy divorced mommy, and broke apart their family because of you.

You know what typically happens when a man divorces his wife for the OW? Well, now that the position of side piece is open, he will eventually fill it with another woman.

I am not the reason for the demise of his marriage. He didn't leave his wife for me but because he finally stood up for himself and said he could no longer support four children. We broke up because I no longer wanted to be a cheap side-piece. It was his choice to seek me out once he was separated as I had made it clear that I was done.

You obviously think you are better than his wife.

I don't think I'm better than his ex-wife. I only know what he's told me about her. I've never met her so I'm in no position to form an opinion. I want to leave her alone.

Must be a great relationship if you are posting about it and gloating (or likely trolling) here.

My intention isn't to gloat and I promise you I'm not a troll. The purpose of the post was to give an honest chronology of events and express my feelings about them so as to receive some perspective and advice. I'm getting both and I appreciate the candor.

I think once the dust settles from the divorce I'll have a better idea where we stand. It would be weird and awkward to introduce me to his daughter and family when the ink on the decree is still wet so to speak. There's no rush. And doing either before his divorce is final isn't logical. If I'm in the same place a year from now maybe I'll be more assertive about it but now isn't the time.

He never gave his marriage a chance by inviting you into it. Save it for your HuffPost essay about all the people you stepped on to achieve your relationship bliss and personal happiness (which is of course the most important thing right?).

He was married for eight years before I showed up and there's no doubt he tried to make it work. Sometimes marriages aren't meant to be and while stepping out of it was 100% the wrong thing to do our affair was relegated to the office. We never went out on dates. We never saw each other outside the office. Hell, we didn't even talk on the phone or text. We either communicated in person or through our office IM system. It was cheap, sleazy and pathetic. He gave me his phone number after he became separated...and we started hanging it outside the office.

I don't feel like I stepped on anyone. And while I may be delusional to think he'd never step out on me, I think I understand him well enough to know what I'd need to do to keep his eyes on me. But then again I could be a complete idiot and be setting myself up for an epic failure. But I'll never know if I don't take the risk and see what happens. The old adage, "no risk no reward" comes to mind.

His daughter still won't like you. You were having an affair with her father long before he asked for a divorce. He betrayed her mother, and his children. With you.

Odd that you say you have never met her,you only know what he has told you about her, so you are in no position to form an opinion....yet...you are justifying the affair,and your behavior..based solely on what he has told you. You've judged her, and the marriage,based on what he has told you.

And cheaters lie.

..... I think I understand him well enough to know what I'd need to do to keep his eyes on me.

Well, that goes part and parcel with the OW who "wins" her prize... the "pick me" dance goes on relentlessly without end.

I asked you several questions about your relationship. You didn't anser,because it's obvious you have done none of those things with him. This is not a real relationship.

If he really considered you to be his true love, once he separated, you would have been brought out into the light. Instead, you are still his dirty secret.

You only know what he has told you. Tell me, it's obvious he's been lying to his wife for years. Lying to his family. Lying to his friends. Why would you believe you know him better than the woman he was married to for a decade? Better than his family, and his friends? He lied to everyone. Why do you think you are the only one who really knows him?

You know who he wanted you to see. You don't know who he really is.

considering the way you started your first post, I would have expected you to have written that in your first post. Now, you add it. After people have called you out. Gaslighting.

Zugzwang I did mention that in my first post. I said we broke up and didn't speak for eight months only for him to show up unexpectedly at my desk. No gaslighting there.

He and his ex wife dated for five months, she got pregnant and they married four months later. She had been separated from her husband for about a year at the time and still needed to finalize her divorce. A month after her divorce was final, she and Evan got married. That's the basic gist of their pre-marital relationship.

I've been very open about our affair. I admitted it. When he separated in October, 2018 he reached out to me after eight months of no communication.

I haven't lied or gaslit anything in my posts. The truth isn't pretty but it's been nothing but the truth. From the time Evan and his ex wife separated till today it's been almost a year and a half.

I am not the reason for the demise of his marriage

You are part of it. Nobody ever helped improve their marriage by stepping out of it.

.

I don't feel like I stepped on anyone. And while I may be delusional to think he'd never step out on me, I think I understand him well enough to know what I'd need to do to keep his eyes on me. But then again I could be a complete idiot and be setting myself up for an epic failure. But I'll never know if I don't take the risk and see what happens. The old adage, "no risk no reward" comes to mind

.

It isn’t stepping on someone to take time and attention away from their spouse? To tempt another’s life partner and a father of a young child? You stepped on a child by tempting her father and contributing to the breakdown of their unit. That is definitely stepping on other people’s lives to get what you want. Doesn’t matter if you stepped away to “stop being a mistress”. You never stopped. 8 months NC - he knew you were waiting in the wings and waiting to dance for him when he was ready.

And that last bolded statement - oof - you are just dancing the pick me dance as someone else says. He is a bottomless pit, nothing you can do will impact whether he cheats. Cheating is on the cheater. And - he has shown you who he is and you refuse to believe him. He should have ended things honorably if it was so bad.

The only good thing about your relationship is you are his ex’s karma - since she is a former cheater. What will your comeuppance be?

[This message edited by Justsomelady at 4:28 PM, February 14th (Friday)]

Anyhow - why are you here? You can’t be too secure and happy if you are defending and arguing and justifying to strangers in the internet. You came on Here on V day to a broken-hearted website to talk about your “lovely” future with a serial cheater . This whole thing smells off.

[This message edited by Justsomelady at 4:22 PM, February 14th (Friday)]

Hellfire...

How often have the two of you had shared financial difficulties?

How often have you cleaned up his vomit,because he had the flu?

How often have the two of you navigated family issues?

How often have you washed the shit stains from his underwear?

How often has he had to buy tampons because your cramps are too painful to leave the house?

To answer your questions...I haven't cleaned up his vomit or washed his shit stains from his underwear but it's not as if I've never done that before (remember I've been married before) and would do it again if needed. We've been there for each other as it concerns our respective family dramas and have been each other's sounding boards. It's par for the course with any relationship and if he has my back and I have his dealing with those issues become easier to bear. And I don't get my period anymore so that's never going to be an issue.