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Horrible news

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Sami posted 6/14/2019 15:31 PM

My husband is 6 years younger than me. We were 28 and 34 when we married and have been married for 15 years. Over the past 8-10 months he has been sullen, mean and argumentative. He started working out like crazy and lost 30 pounds. Whenever I asked him what was wrong he just said he was having a midlife crisis and he needed to work it out himself. Three days ago, I noticed he stopped wearing his wedding ring. When I asked about it, he said he has come to a realization in his life. He has been “red pilled.” Marriage and love are an illusion. He realized that I am too old for him and no longer bring any rush of excitement for him. He wants to stop suppressing his “alpha male” nature and pursue other women. But he says he does not want to divorce. He wants to stay married for the kids and for us to be a team together. However, he will NOT be monogamous from here on out. The sexual tension and novelty and excitement of being around other women is just something he needs on a “dna level.”

If I want to divorce him, well that’s on me, he says. I am being upfront and honest about my feelings, he says. I took all his good years when he was supposed to be experiencing other women as a younger man, he says. What more do you want??? (He says) basically he wants me to accept an open marriage. He said this is a good arrangement for you. You get all my love and support, we still have family time, go on vacations, see friends, etc., but you agree to let me sleep with women. He doesn’t want any other relationship, he says, just the excitement of new, younger sexual partners. He told me to go get a hobby or find another man if I’m bothered by it.

I am still reeling. Can’t eat or sleep since he told me this. I suppose I get a divorce, right? I don’t think I can handle this arrangement. Ever since he revealed all this, he has been the nicest person you have ever seen. All “honey” this and “sweetie pie” that. He says I’m the same man as before but you just have to let me be free. When I asked about all the happy times we had together as husband and wife, he said he was sleepwalking and subconsciously suppressing his nature, which he claims is EVERY man’s true nature. He just has the courage to say no to societal norms.

Divorce him,, right? I’m still in shock and don’t know what to do.

fooled13years posted 6/14/2019 15:41 PM

Sami, I am so sorry you are here. Ultimatums have never really been a motivation for me. There are so many things I could say but what it boils down to is are you willing to accept his ultimatum? No one here can tell you what to do but by your post I think you know what you must do for yourself.

OwningItNow posted 6/14/2019 15:44 PM

I am so, so sorry that your H is literally behaving like the poster child for a midlife crisis and using you as a punching bag to do so. I am disgusted by his "offer." Please, please, please do not even consider this f-ing deal of a lifetime.

Ever since he revealed all this, he has been the nicest person you have ever seen. All “honey” this and “sweetie pie” that.

Because HE is the one that wants the family time, vacations, etc.! The lying liar, pretending it's a good offer for you. He's afraid you will leave and he can't have his cake and eat it, too! Poor wittle baby.

Your H is all kinds of messed up in the head. Begin to 180. If you do not understand what that is, read up. This deal is emotional blackmail, and you will not be able to handle his selfish, immature, narcissistic, ego maniac offer. Wake his ass up with the 180! Pronto!

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 3:46 PM, June 14th (Friday)]

cocoplus5nuts posted 6/14/2019 15:45 PM

It seems that, if you don't agree with his new arrangement, divorce is the only option.

This red pill crap is so toxic. It's dangerous. I would be afraid to be around someone who has fallen for that shit.

annb posted 6/14/2019 15:47 PM

Hi, welcome to SI. I'm sorry your husband is putting you through this hell.

He has some brass cajones expecting to continue his life as is while cheating. Hell no!

He wants his cake and eat it, too. Close that bakery now, do not accept his "conditions" for your marriage.

Find the tallest pair of bitch boots in the back of your closet, and strap them on tight. Show him you will NOT tolerate three in a marriage.

Meet with a couple of attorneys to find out your rights.

Expose him to trusted family and friends.

Seek counseling for yourself, and please get yourself tested for STDS asap. DO NOT have sex with him, do not do a darn thing for him. NOthing, no laundry, bills, cooking. He wants the single life, let him have it.

Don't accept anything less than you deserve. No compromising. He wants to have sex with other women, bye Felicia.

You are going to have to dig deep and find the courage to walk away if necessary. Sometimes you have to be willing to lose the marriage in order to save it.

Don't allow yourself to be Plan B. Do not beg or plead with him.

He's driving this bus right now, put yourself in the driver's seat and take control.

Huge hugs....

marji posted 6/14/2019 15:48 PM

Sami do you have a good relative or friend you can share this with? Can you find a good therapist and an IRL support group? Your husband telling you all this is shocking and traumatic. You should not try to deal with this awfulness by yourself. It's great that you have found SI--it's a true life saver but you need IRL support as well.

Do know this is not in any way your fault and do not feel you have to make any serious decisions about divorce, separating or staying right now. Again, the decision you should make now is to be good to yourself-build up team to help you regain your sense of balance.

You are going to be alright, Sami, but right now nothing feels right and it's hard to believe things will ever feel right again. But they will.

Things here on SI are a bit slow on the weekends but Im sure others will chime in with even better advice than I can offer. Your situation might be a bit different than the typical here on SI; more typical is that we have discovered a secret life of betrayal after it has already begun. But we are all in your corner and he has in a way betrayed your marriage given the decision he seems to be making and the attitude he has. You have friends, here, Sami; you are not alone.

Western posted 6/14/2019 15:58 PM

You don't know what to do ?

I would start by telling him to F off.

He wants to stay together as a unit and as a family while screwing other women ? Doesn't work that way.

His insults are incredible disgusting.

he wants to wreck his own home while giving the appearance of an all-star Dad and husband. Hell no.

Open marriage ? Never, don't do it.

And btw if you found another man, I bet he would get jealous.

It is the definition of insanity to all of a sudden take a samily unit and the rules of the relationship and about face them after 15 years. By the way he is reacting, he may have already cheated on you and is just backwards justifying it.

If you divorce, you'll collect child support and maybe more, and you'll spare your kids a household with parents who are fake. You can't have quality 'family time' when you are making pretend your husband still cares about you and is loyal when he's not. Who would want to vacation with that anyway ? And if all his love and support is him screwing other women, then that's not love and support.

The signs are there that he has a girlfriend already.

At least file for divorce for now to get the process started and to take back control. Do a hard 180 and protect the kids. Get your ducks in a row.

I think you know what you need to do

ibonnie posted 6/14/2019 16:01 PM

Divorce him,, right? I’m still in shock and don’t know what to do.

Well... on the upside, he's being honest and not lying/denying/gaslighting you, but I'm sure that doesn't feel like much of an upside right now.

He's completely changing the terms of your marriage, so no, you don't have to stay married if you don't married under these new terms, you don't have to.

So..... the first thing I would do if I were you is to set a deadline to make a decision. Give yourself either three or six months, and in the mean time, take care of yourself, get your ducks in a row, and find out your options.

It sounds like your husband wants to keep everything as is, but it's completely reasonable to ask him to start sleeping in another bedroom, or for your to, or if you don't have another bedroom, start sleeping on the couch.

Typically, people are advised to 180, which basically means detaching from the relationship and focusing on yourself, so no more doing his laundry, picking up his prescriptions at the pharmacy, calling and making appointments for him if he asked you to. He's a big boy and he can take care of all of his stuff now.

Find yourself a counselor. Preferably one that specializes in trauma or relationship issues. Figure out what YOU want. If you find yourself really struggling to get out of bed, eat, function normally, etc. consider starting antidepressants to get you through this for now.

DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH HIM. Even if he uses condoms with other women, some STDs can be transmitted anyways, like HPV.

Meet with a lawyer (or three) and find out your rights. Maybe today he's saying he wants an open marriage and tomorrow he's moving in with another woman. Who knows! But knowledge is power. Find out what your rights are, find out what you can expect if you should divorce.

Also look into legally separating. Not every state allows that, but you basically go over everything you would like in a divorce (Who pays the vet bill? Who pays for college? Who gets to declare the kids on their taxes? Sidenote: in my case, we each could declare one kid on our taxes, until our oldest was too old, and then we'd alternate years with our youngest.)

Talk to your doctor if you have trouble sleeping or losing weight. It's not unusual for someone to drop a lot of weight very quickly after news like this. Stay hydrated. If you have trouble eating, sip on protein shakes throughout the day.

Long story short, take care of yourself and your kids. Find out your options. Detach as much as you can so you can look at this situation (somewhat) objectively. You problem feel like you'll never be okay ever again, but with time and effort, you will be.

crazyblindsided posted 6/14/2019 16:02 PM

(((Sami))) I'm glad you found SI this is going to be a place of support for you. It is my lifeline. I'm so sorry your H is acting like an entitled POS.

If you are not ok with this arrangement then take the bull by the horns. You do not need to accept any of this. You draw a hard line if HE does not like it then HE can leave. This is YOUR life.

Look in the Healing Library in the upper left hand corner of this site. Also look up the 180 and start implementing it for YOU not the M.

Keep posting here for support and be sure to start building your own support system outside of the M if you haven't already. I also highly recommend an IC to get through the tough times in life.

Tripletrouble posted 6/14/2019 16:05 PM

Wow, Your husband is in dire need of some shock and awe. While R can be possible in some cases, he needs a major reality check. See an attorney asap, find out your custody and financial rights, and consider filing immediately. He needs to get the message immediately that he is no longer in sole control of this situation. When he realizes that he will lose half of his assets, and only see his kids part time, as well as write you a fat check every month, he may pull his head out of his a$$. He may not. Regardless, you will need to decide if this is a safe partner for you going forward.

This is a heartbreaking and devastating time for you. We've all been there and know what you are feeling. Please continue to lean on SI. We've seen it all, so whatever unfolds next for you there is an amazing group of people here who can give advice and support.

emergent8 posted 6/14/2019 16:06 PM


Sami, I am so sorry that your WH is acting like a colossal douche-bag asshole. That red pill garbage is so toxic and dangerous. Please know that no matter what he says, you do not deserve this and you should not accept this. None of this is your fault.

You've received some good advice. Please follow the steps OwningitNow and annb have set out. I'd also recommend seeking out a counselor. Finally, given your husband's entitled attitude towards monogamy, I would also encourage you to go to your doctor and request a full STD panel. Please do not sleep with him - no matter what kind of urges you might be feeling at the moment (it may sound strange, but sometimes people feel the strong urge to reclaim their spouse).

SisterMilkshake posted 6/14/2019 16:08 PM


Gosh, I am so angry for you, Sami. You don't have to accept an open marriage. He is being nice now because he thinks he has you over a barrel and since he is "red pilled" you really aren't going to be able to find another man. (Women are zero value after 40. )

Go to a lawyer. Find out your rights and what you can expect to get if divorced. He may be very unpleasantly surprised by you having a backbone and not willing to take his "red pill" bullshit and an open marriage.

PeaceLily210 posted 6/14/2019 16:15 PM

First, he's being nice right now because he is trying to force YOU to be the bad guy in ending your M. He wants to make you believe that it's all on you. Truth is that he just ended the M contract you agreed to. It's on HIM. He does not get to redefine the terms and then tell you that it's up to you to leave.

Second... My first H used to tell me all the time that I should just be happy that he put a roof over our heads (me and the kids), food on the table, and he didn't beat me. I should accept that as my best option and stay with his verbally and emotionally (borderline physically) abusive ass that was cheating on me. I chose to D him cuz it turns out that I was worth so much more than what he was offering. I deserved better. It's been over 2 decades. He's still pissed off.

If it were me, I'd tell him that I do not accept his terms as I was presenting him with paperwork showing what a D would look like for him financially. If that's the route he wants to go, you can't stop him. You can set clear boundaries about how you will and will not be treated however, and don't let him cross those. You really don't deserve this nonsense. Start protecting yourself now. Read about the 180 and implement it. Let him see what life without you being a wife to him looks like.

I'm so sorry he's acting like such an ass to you.

DevastatedDee posted 6/14/2019 16:21 PM

(Women are zero value after 40. )

Please, they're so dumb. I could get laid with a different guy half my age daily.

I tell you what, if you wanted to be pure evil, you could agree to it and have a thousand times the sexual success that this idiot could ever pull off and rub it in his stupid face.

But no, the right and mature thing to do is set his dumbass free to make a fool of himself to his puny heart's content and divorce him. He is pure slime right now. You can and will do WAY better than this guy. I bet this isn't the only stupidity you've seen in your years of marriage with him.

Nanatwo posted 6/14/2019 16:30 PM

Do you want an open marriage? Do you want to be sitting at home taking care of the kids knowing he is out screwing another woman? Do you want to have sex with him knowing it brings the possibility of an STD - or are you willing to be celibate while he gets to go out and get his needs fulfilled? Do you want to live with a man who is so incredibly selfish that all he thinks about is what he wants and couldn't care less about the pain and devastation it causes you?
do you think he would be ok with you being with other men?

If you can answer yes to these questions - then maybe an open marriage would work for yes. If the answers are no - then tell him to f++k off - if he doesn't want to be the man and husband you deserve and is incapable of monogamy - you will find a man who is.

Chaos posted 6/14/2019 16:37 PM

What a flaming ass he is!

BraveSirRobin posted 6/14/2019 16:40 PM

One thing to know about the red pill movement (if you don't already) is that it promotes the belief that women actually want to be treated this way. The claim is that you say you want equality and respect, but you actually want to be dominated. Any response other than filing for divorce will be taken as evidence that yes, he's on the right track of bringing your true submissive nature to the surface.

It's possible he's drunk the Kool-Aid to a level where reason cannot reach him, and he'll accept the D and go on the hunt for women who are willing to buy into this bullshit. Sadly, there are some out there. The hope (if you're even willing to take him back) is that this is a game of chicken that you can win. His red pill sponsors will be telling him to stay the course, that you'll soon come around to seeing the wisdom of the new reality. It's only when he's in the final stages of losing half his assets and time with his kids that he may start to doubt if his new internet buddies have a clue what they're talking about.

k8la posted 6/14/2019 17:09 PM

Sami - this is so sad and horrible for you.

If you can realize you do not deserve to be treated as property; that you are a living, breathing, sentient and autonomous human being who does not revolve around her husband as a slave, but as a partner, and that partnership was what you signed up for, not servitude, then know your worth and walk away from this cruel man. I wouldn't wait another minute to visit every aggressive attorney to see who can protect you (you don't mention if you have children but if you have children, protect them from his pig-headed indoctrination legally as well).

If you have children, staying with him is absolutely the worst relationship modeling you can do.

Attitudes and actions have consequences. The faster, the healthier for you. And he might just have a rethinking of the alpha attitude once you declare sovereignty over your soul, body, mind and life!

StillLivin posted 6/14/2019 17:15 PM

File for divorce, or annulment since he married you under false pretenses of committing to monogamy for life.
In the meantime, do NOT sleep with him and get STDs tested because he's probably already tried out strange p_$_y a while ago. I'm sorry, but he's not who you thought he was.

Evertrying posted 6/14/2019 17:17 PM

Sounds like a full blown Midlife Crisis.
People think infidelity is bad,,,,,toss in a MLC and you have a shit ton more to deal with. Cheating is bad enough and then you have to deal with someone that is 43 going on 15.

In my opinion? People in MLC are extremely selfish, feel entitled and have a tendency to SHIT on everyone they feel is in their way. And I guarantee he will not admit he is having a crisis.

Some spouses stand and wait it out hoping the crisis will pass, or at least the crisis spouse will realize what is happening to them and they get help or the crisis ends.

I am sorry you are going through this. I agree with one of the other posters. If this is what he wants, let him go and let him be single. I think he's in for a rude awakening.

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