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ibonnie

"I will survive, hey, hey!"

Need Some Perspective/Am I Wrong?

100% a first world problem, and I need some perspective.

Backstory: About 1.5 years ago, my uncle emailed my father and said he and my aunt were planning a big trip to celebrate some milestones (big # birthday & big # anniversary), they were renting a giant beach house, and they would love for my parents, WS and I + kids, plus my brother to join them. Their kids and grandkids and my aunt's sister & kid would be coming, too. They were paying for the rental for a week, we just had to make our own arrangements to get there.

WS had mentioned trip to his parents, since they live a few hours away (closer than anyone else going), and they mentioned maybe they'd rent a beach place nearby and bring their grandkids (WS & I's nieces & nephew).

Since there's not a direct flight to the rental, we decided to fly direct to my in-laws. We were planning om renting a car, but they said don't rent a car, you can borrow one of ours.

Here's the miscommunication that came out tonight --

I thought in-laws were planning their own parallel trip and would be busy with their other grandkids and we'd meet up a couple of times over that week, either at the beach, or go out to lunch or something.

WS basically discussed/invited the in-laws (+3 grandkids, a YA, a teen and a tween) to hang out on the beach right by the place my aunt & uncle rented, would come in to use the bathroom, hang out by the pool the rental has, come BBQ in the backyard, basically come hang out whenever, just not spend the night.

I think this is incredibly rude. I feel like we're guests on this trip, we're not renting the house, AND to complicate matters, we're not particularly close with my family that invited us. They are very nice and generous, but the last time I've seen most of these people was probably 8-10 years ago.

WS thinks I'm overthinking things, and it should be no big deal, family is family and we should all just mingle and have fun on vacation.

I think that we don't have to be with my family 24/7, and it's a reasonable compromise to make plans a couple of times with his family and go over to where they're staying, go out to eat a couple times, etc. while we're in the same beach town. We also (during non-pandemic times) see the in-laws a couple of times per year.

WS thinks I'm being too uptight/rigid/unreasonable because "his family wouldn't think this was weird if the situation was reversed." I honestly don't know how my family would feel because we're not super close, but I don't think planning to see his family at their rental or make plans elsewhere to meet up is unreasonable.

So.....

Am I being too uptight? In general I am the more uptight one and WS is more go with the flow/why are you worrying/this is no big deal between the two of us, and there have definitely been times where I've been worried or anxious about a situation and WS was right, it was NBD.

Honestly, if this is no big deal, then I'll drop it (we're currently not talking because we were getting so heated discussing this tonight), but if I'm not overreacting, then I'm going to insist that meeting up with his parents/nieces/nephew can be done a couple of times during this week, at somewhere other than the house my aunt & uncle are renting.

12 comments posted: Saturday, April 2nd, 2022

Lucid Dreams (and Sex and Cheating)

I have somewhat lucid dreams, where I realize I'm dreaming and can choose my own actions realizing it's a dream, so I should have fun but I'm still not necessarily cognizant of who I am, or what's real, if that makes sense.

For instance, I was having a dream last night that involved characters from the Sopranos, my job somehow inolved fixing high school football games (indirectly), and at one point I ended up alone in a hotel room with the actor Chris O'Dowd.

So... the Sopranos characters didn't seem weird, my questionable job didn't seem weird, but I was aware that it was a dream and so I should make a move on Chris O'Dowd. blush

Until I tried to, and then got this sick feeling in my stomach and this thought, "But what about WH." Followed by confusion, because in my dream I was single and living in New Jersey, so I didn't know who that was or why I thought that.

Tried to make a move again.

"But what about WH? You don't want to ruin things with WH."

So at this point of the dream, I'm now backing away from a very confused Chris O'Dowd, as everything starts to disintegrate around me and I start to wake up.

Everything's been fine in reality, and the something like this happens and I start the internal dialogue loop of "How could you betray me?" even though I know how doesn't matter, because the reality is that he did.

Meanwhile I can't even have a dream about someone else, in a reality where WH doesn't exist, because my subconscious or psyche or whatever stops me from doing something that would risk hurting WH or hurting my family.

It's so frustrating, and it makes me so sad, and I don't know what I'm looking for posting here, but I think I just wish I knew a way to put the question of, "How could you betray me? Because I could never betray you like this..." to rest once and for all, because the reality is that he did, and depsite all the work on himself and the self reflection and answering all the questions, and making effort.....

How he could betray me will just never, never, never make sense in my mind, but I also realize it really doesn't matter, because whether or not it ever makes sense to me, he did it.

5 comments posted: Saturday, March 19th, 2022

Kanye West Harassing Kim Kardashian

I don't closely follow Ye or the Kardashians, but admit that I'll click on a gossipy news article on occasion. Lately I've been seeing people call out Ye's behaviour as being threatening/abusive towards Kim Kardashian and her (supposedly) new boyfriend, Pete Davidson.

I clicked on an article today calling out his new music video today, and was completely creeped out by the imagery and the lyrics shocked . It's animation? Or claymation? And looks like he's kidnapped/murdered a Pete Davidson lookalike. At one point he's holding a severed head and rapping about how they'll have the best divorce ever because they're going to go to court together. look

I know we can never truly know what's going on between them, and the media distorts things, but this... really, really freaked me out. It's like Ye is sending his soon-to-be ex-wife VERY public threats, and he just doesn't give AF. Because he can? Because he feels like she can't leave him? Because he thinks she deserves to be afraid? I don't know, but the fact that he's so blatantly doing this makes it more horrifying.

I'm sure she can afford top notch security, but still... no woman (or person) should be threatened by an ex like this.

9 comments posted: Thursday, March 3rd, 2022

Parents Who Cheat by Ana Nogales

Has anyone here read "Parents Who Cheat: How Children and Adults are Affected When Their Parents Are Unfaithful" by Ana Nogales?

I'm the BS and wondering if this would be worth reading, or if this is geared more towards WS and/or BC (betrayed children).

7 comments posted: Sunday, January 9th, 2022

Guinea Pigs

Tell me everything I need to know about keeping (2? male?) guinea pigs as pets, please! 🐹🐖

14 comments posted: Tuesday, May 18th, 2021

I Hate My Brother's Girlfriend

I hate my brother's girlfriend, and I don't know what to do with these feelings. They've been dating 5ish years, and living together going on 4 years, and in that time, I've barely gotten to know her, because every effort has been rebuffed or ignored. My brother's behavior has definitely changed since they've been together (and I'm not the only person who has noticed or commented on this), and on the very rare occasions that we do see him (alone, because she almost never comes to any family or friend event she's been invited to), he makes remarks or complains about how she's lazy, bad with money, expects him to pay for everything, does zero housework or cooking, neglects to do any tasks he asks her to help with or do for him when he's away for work (which is often).

Specific things he's complained about include:

-paying hundreds of dollars for a pet because she wanted a specific color. He wanted to adopt one from a shelter.

-having all their furniture match the color of said pet. He brought one item of furniture into their apartment and had to fight for it because she didn't like that it didn't match the rest of her color scheme.

-insisting on a leather couch -- my brother is a sweaty guy and said that he didn't want to stick to a leather couch when the weather gets warm, and 2. the pet would ruin it (which it has).

-she's spent more on hair extensions in a month than her half of their shared rent and bills cost.

-and then would ask him to cover things like their groceries for the month because she was short on cash.

-but then would go shopping for bags and bags of new clothes.

-he's the only one that cooks, and she complained she's tired of his recipes so he needs to learn some new ones.

-gave him an STD after they had been together for years. Her doctor said that it could have been lying dormant, but... I am on this site for a reason and therefore my mind immediately goes to infidelity.

-he complains that she never leaves their apartment. (Yes, we're in a pandemic still, but he complained about this before 2020.)

-he bought a countertop dishwasher because he was tired of doing all the cooking AND always doing all the dishes.

-her family doesn't know he exists/they're dating because they wouldn't approve for religious reasons.

-he asked my mom to pet sit while he was on a business trip because there was some concern she wouldn't be able to handle their pet on her own. (It didn't end up happening though, but still...)

-one time he asked her to do his laundry for him (or at the very least, drop it off at the laundromat and pay for it to be done) because he had back-to-back business trips and would basically be home for less than a day and needed clean clothes to pack for his second trip, and whoops! She forgot.

He (and she) say they don't want kids (which is fine, I don't care either way), BUT he did say to me once that he wouldn't want to have a kid with her, because he already takes care of everything, so that would be like having two kids.

As for things that he hasn't complained about, but I've noticed first hand:

-my parents and WH helped them move in together. When they showed up at her apartment many years ago, she had not packed a single item, and it took all day to get her packed up and moved since nothing had been done beforehand. She didn't buy them dinner or drinks (idk about where you're from, but where we're from, if friends help you move, you pay for pizza + beer that night).

-she made a derogatory comment about our ethnic background at my LO's 1st birthday party because we had some white and red wine for guests to drink. We also had seltzer, juice, coffee and tea...

-my brother invited me to her birthday party years ago ON the afternoon of her party. Keep in mind, I have two kids, and WH already had plans that night, so I had to decline.

-I've never been invited to another birthday party for her.

-but I have always invited her to my birthday parties. The last one was in 2019 before... everything. I made a Facebook invite for pizza and beer on our roof. Super lowkey, about 10 friends, including my brother. She RSVPed yes, and my brother showed up solo that night. When I (casually) asked where she was, he said she was at dinner with friends.

-my dad has cancer. She didn't reach out to my parents once to offer any sort of help or condolences or well wishes. Nothing. Nada. Radio silence. (My brother was largely the same. No offers to help my mom out with anything. Never offered to meet them at the hospital to help him get home after surgery or keep my mom company. )

-we had my brother and his girlfriend over for a small big # birthday dinner during the pandemic. My brother kept saying he was so tired, just wanted to go home and go to bed. Girlfriend kept insisting they HAD to go to her friend's birthday party that night after they left. Turns out it was a surprise party FOR my brother. She didn't invite me, but she did invite one of my brother and I's best friend's (which is how I found out -- said friend asked me about the party, and I was like "What party?").

-she's never attended a family event with my brother, big or small. No holidays, no milestone occasions, not even a barbecue. They've lived together for years and almost no one, except for our immediate family has met her.

I could... go on. With more examples, more people that don't like her, etc.

I don't know what to do. I feel so sad and angry about all of this. I miss my brother dearly. On the rare occasions I get to see him, I've mentioned that I miss him, and I'd love to hang out more, and he says he misses me, too. But on the occasions that she comes over with him, he's totally different -- they largely sit off to the side by themselves, she barely makes small talk with anyone, and he basically waits on her, bringing her food or drinks so she doesn't have to move from her seat.

Obviously the pandemic has made everything even more difficult, but before covid hit the US, I would reach out once every couple of months and invite him over for dinner or would see if he wanted to go do something, but he would usually be too busy.

After I found out about the surprise party, I directly messaged him and asking if I had done something wrong or offended them somehow that I wouldn't even get invited to my own brother's milestone birthday party, and he assured me no, it was just an oversight on his girlfriend's part.

But... I don't know what to do anymore. I miss my brother. I swear, I haven't mentioned any of these feelings I have about his girlfriend to him, and I've always done my best to keep reaching out to him and to invite them both to hang out and do things, and send her (thoughtful!) birthday presents but... I'm starting to hit a point where I just want to stop making any effort. I guess I worry that if I do 1. I really won't ever see him, and 2. I don't want to make him feel alienated or isolated if/when they ever do break up.

Any advice or how to proceed? How to stop loathing her? Or how to stop caring?

Edited to add: one of his best friends for the past 25+ years is also one of my closest friends. They don't like his girlfriend either, think he's totally different around her, and think it's weird that they've 1. never been invited to his apartment with her in the years they've been together AND 2. that he's never been to their new apartment in the 3 years they've lived there. For the record, the live about 20-30 minutes apart from each other via car.

[This message edited by ibonnie at 12:05 AM, March 15th (Monday)]

9 comments posted: Sunday, March 14th, 2021

TW: Suicidal Thoughts

Let me preface this by saying that I do not feel suicidal or have any intention to commit suicide. However, for as long as I can remember, I've had thoughts about dying/suicide. The first time I went to therapy was around 7/8ish when my teachers/parents discovered something I had written about wanting to die.

Anyways. I periodically have random thoughts about suicide. Mostly I either find myself thinking about how I would do it, OR a more persistent/annoying thought pops in my head like, "You should slit your wrists."

FWIW, I'm currently taking 25mg of sertraline (generic zoloft), and have been since my WH's A in late 2017. I started to wean off last March but stopped -- during a pandemic when we could hear ambulance sirens at all hours of the day and night was not the right time, I started having a lot of panicky episodes. I am not currently seeing a therapist.

Today has just been a day full of anxiety over, really, silly volunteer-y stuff at my 4yos school. I'm working virtually on a committee with a fellow mom that I loathe (she's pretty condescending and insufferable, but she gets stuff done for the school so 🤷‍♀️ ), and thought I was responsible for finding volunteers, and then passing them along to the rest of the committee to vet. I did not realize that I would have to do some zoom meetings with alumni parents and make small talk and schmooze and see if we can get them to do some volunteer work for the school. I hate small talk. I'm not good at schmoozing. I'm generally pretty quiet/shy/reserved and have found that keeping my mouth shut and my eyes open has served me better in life than trying to make awkward, uncomfortable chitchat.

So... pretty much nonstop today I've had this loop of annoying thoughts -- "You can't do this. You should go kill yourself. Why did you think you could do this? You should go slit your wrists."

Again, to be clear, I do not want to kill myself. What I want is for these thoughts to go away, or to figure out something better than hearing this loop in my head, catching myself, and trying to redirect my thoughts, only for the loop to start up again five minutes later.

Google is not much help, because it brings me to suicide hotlines, and I'm not worried that I'm actually going to do this. But man, this is not helping my anxiety, and definitely not going to help me muddle through virtual small talk with some people I haven't seen in nearly a decade.

I mentioned this to WH, and he was a little alarmed, rubbed my shoulders and neck (because I've been so tense today), and advised me to take a break from working, and go do some meditative breathing, which helped a little bit temporarily. I don't want to mention this to my IRL BFFs because... this is kind of a weird/jarring thing to say to people, and I don't want to alarm them.

Any tips/advice on how to get rid of these thoughts? Anyone else deal with thoughts of suicide, but don't have any desire or intentions to follow through?

[This message edited by ibonnie at 9:35 PM, February 5th (Friday)]

19 comments posted: Friday, February 5th, 2021

Watching The Handmaid's Tale

Warning-- spoilers ahead.

Anyone else watch? I'm having trouble believing it, mostly because I just can't believe they wouldn't have killed June yet, or at the very least cut out her tongue so she couldn't , so some other horrible punishment.

Also, I wish June would have stuck with Emily and crossed the border. Yes, she would have left Hannah behind, but in the long run I think she could have done more good speaking out as the Waterford's ex-handmaid in Canada. Not to mention how completely unrealistic it was to think she could break into another Commander's house and escape with her daughter, without any help, resources or knowledge of where to go.

3 comments posted: Saturday, June 8th, 2019

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