5 Year D-Day-versary, and I'm Feeling Okay
I don't remember the exact day of November that my D-Day fell on, just that I found out Thanksgiving morning 2017.
What's the range commonly mentioned on SI -- 2-5 years to feel better? 3-5? I guess today is five years out for me (give or take a few days), and while I don't feel sad or upset, I can still remember in vivid details how my morning started, going to my family's house and pretending I was okay, and telling my cousins I needed a post-meal nap before dessert, when in reality I just spent hours in their guest room by myself, in shock. The icing on top of the day was being stuck in traffic on the ride back home, whisper arguing with WS, and waking up our 8yo in the backseat.
Anyways. I'm looking forward to this day, and I honestly didn't think it would be possible. I thought it would forever be tainted, but after the last two years of pandemic precautions, this is the first time in almost two years I'll be seeing my aunt and uncle in person, and my kids will get to play with my cousin's kids.
If you celebrate today, I hope you have a good day with family/friends/good. If you don't celebrate, I hope you have a good day regardless.
4 comments posted: Thursday, November 24th, 2022
Thank you SI
WS told me today that he heard through mutual coworkers that AP has cancer and a very poor prognosis.
I honestly don't feel anything other than sad for her, because cancer sucks.
WS told me that he was worried about telling me, because he wasn't sure how I would react, and was worried I'd be bringing bad karma on myself if I was happy.
I explained to WS that I don't think about her like that anymore. I realized awhile ago that she didn't betray me, WS was the one that betrayed me and my feelings towards her are mostly indifferent if/when she pops into my head.
I genuinely don't feel happy about this (no judgements if you would be happy if this were your situation), just a little sad because... hurt people hurt people, and though I stopped snooping about her on social media years ago, it didn't seem like she was the type of person to look at her own choices and realize she was an active participant in her own unhappiness.
It's almost 5-years since Thanksgiving 2017 (d-day ). Every so often I get caught up in waves of grief over what happened, and it still pops into my head daily, but the unbearable pain, triggers, and almost constant intrusive thoughts have died down to a point I genuinely never thought I would get to 3 or 4 years ago.
Thank you, SI (that means you, if you're reading this!). I don't know how I would have made it these past few years without you. XO
2 comments posted: Saturday, November 19th, 2022
Why do you trust?
I just read a Dear Prudence column on Slate from a few days ago (side note: I agree with and enjoy current "Prudie" Jenée Desmond-Harris' advice much more than previous "Prudie" Danny Lavery).
Long story short, the letter writer and her husband have had separate bedrooms for years due to sleeping issues, he moved a female friend going through a hard time into their house with her blessing, and female friend went from sleeping in basement to sharing husband's bed. Wife is only about 80% okay with this arrangement, but insists she trusts her husband. Her mother (who is their landlord and a former BS) found out, freaked out and is threatening to evict "friend." Letter writer was asking if she should back husband (because she trusts him!) or if her mom might be right.
The advice from Prudie was -- listen to your mom and get yourself in therapy. The comment section had lots of comments saying OF COURSE husband is cheating and probably gaslighting letter writer.
But one comment stuck out to me, which was:
"p.s. LW, Do you trust him because he is trustworthy, or because you are so very trustworthy? Has he lied in the past, maybe about small things, so-called white lies? I learned to not automatically extend trust, the hard way."
Because I don't think this question is asked enough, especially over in the JFO forum. Personally, I am very trustworthy. I don't see the point of white lies, my kids know Santa isn't real, etc. etc. Looking back, I can't say the same about my FWS.
And I remember talking to one of my closest friends about a month before D-Day, and she asked me if FWS was having an affair, and I remember being shocked at the question, because like, yeah, he might bend the truth a little here and there, but in order to carry on an affair he would have had to tell "real" (aka blatant, undeniable, horrible) lies, and I couldn't believe he would do that at the time, because how could a person do that to their spouse/partner, right?
Well, I definitely learned my lesson the hard way. 🤦♀️
But it wasn't until I just read this comment that it hit me -- why do I trust people the way that I do? And it's 100% because I'm so trustworthy, and I just don't see the point of lying -- if you want to do something, just be honest about it, amirite? And if you're doing it and not being honest, then you must know what you're doing is wrong, so you shouldn't be doing it, right?
Anyways... my ramble is almost over. I usually tend to avoid the JFO forum, because I find it so frustrating (much like I assume the letter writer's mother does with this situation) when it's so obvious that their partner is cheating and mistreating them, but now I'm thinking about this question -- Do you trust them because they are trustworthy, or because you are so very trustworthy? and how it might be useful to get through to new posters in JFO...
9 comments posted: Thursday, October 20th, 2022
Another day, another (quasi) celebrity cheating scandal. Sigh.
I don't even know who Ned Fulmer is or who the Try Guys are, but saw this and couldn't resist clicking (my fault, I know). This article said,
"Family should have always been my priority, but I lost focus and had a consensual workplace relationship," Fulmer, who built his brand as one of the internet’s Wife Guys, confirmed on Tuesday.
which reminded me of something that was said in the article about Ime Udoka, and the statement he released (iirc).
That one word. Consensual.
You know who didn't consent? The people that these cheaters were already dating/engaged/married to. They didn't consent. The cheaters KNEW they didn't consent. And, I understand that the cheater meant they had a relationship that (in theory) both people were agreeing to (even if there were huge imbalances in power, fame and/or age). But the hypocrisy just really struck me today. As if the issue with the relationship was about consent, as if everyone involved was aware, as if these relationships weren't corroded by lying and dishonesty.
What bullshit. Wouldn't it be refreshing if a cheater, after they get caught and blow up their family's reality, didn't blather on about consent? If they didn't say, "we'll get through this," "we ask for privacy," and instead gave a statement that said something like, "I'm a liar. My moral compass is extremely lacking and I need to work on being a better person. There were two people in my relationship, and while no relationship is perfect, only one person decided to betray people they claimed to love and care for, and that person is me. Please give my partner privacy and space to heal from my very public betrayal."
10 comments posted: Tuesday, September 27th, 2022
Behati Prinsloo & Nia Long
So if you spend any time on social media, or at the grocery store checkout line, you've probably seen that Adam Levine is being accused (now by multiple women) of cheating on his wife, Behati Prinsloo.
And just now signing onto email, news ads pop up on the top of the sign on screen, and it said "Celtics coach may face suspension for 'improper' relationship." I don't follow sports, but curiosity got the best of me, so I clicked on the link and the coach, Ime Udoka, who has supposedly been in a relationship Nia Long since 2010, was involved in an "improper intimate and consensual relationship with a female member of the team staff."
I have a lot of thoughts and feelings about this. First of all, my heart goes out to these women. It's bad enough to be cheated on, but it must be 1000x worse to do so in the public eye.
But... and part of me feels terrible about this, because I wouldn't wish the nightmare of dealing with infidelity on anyone... One thing that I've been... happy isn't the right word. Maybe comforted? Or vindicated? Is I'm seeing people share posts and memes putting the blame on Adam Levine and Ime Udoka for being cheaters.
No insinuations about how there's two sides of the story, or that they cheated because of a bad relationship, or that it must have been twu wuv/they were meant to be together (like Brittany & Jason Aldean ).
My favorite post that I came across being shared on social media said, "Normally I couldn't care less about celebrity drama, but Adam Levine cheating on his wife is a good reminder that someone cheating on you is never your fault. You can be a Victoria's Secret model, a GQ model, a wife, a husband, the mother of their children, the father of their children, perfect in every way... but if someone wants to cheat, they will. It is not a reflection of you, it is a reflection of them and their shitty morals."
8 comments posted: Thursday, September 22nd, 2022
Tetris and Intrustive Thoughts
Just saw something on instagram that said playing tetris after a traumatic event (like a car crash) can help reduce intrusive memories by 62%, and that playing tetris has also been shown to help alleviate symptoms of PTSD.
Since you can't trust everything you read on the internet, I googled it, and legitimate sources like NPR and the National Institute of Health also have articles that back up playing tetris (or word games) with helping PTSD.
I've never heard this before, and I know for many (myself included) the intrusive thoughts that pop up after discovering an affair can be absolutely awful. Thought I'd pass this info along, because I don't remember anyone else on SI ever mentioning it.
Of course all the regular recommendations (therapy, antidepressants, doing the 180, etc.) are all still good advice, but it can't hurt to start playing tetris if or when you find yourself stuck in an awful loop of intrusive affair thoughts.
10 comments posted: Monday, July 18th, 2022
Need Some Perspective/Am I Wrong?
100% a first world problem, and I need some perspective.
Backstory: About 1.5 years ago, my uncle emailed my father and said he and my aunt were planning a big trip to celebrate some milestones (big # birthday & big # anniversary), they were renting a giant beach house, and they would love for my parents, WS and I + kids, plus my brother to join them. Their kids and grandkids and my aunt's sister & kid would be coming, too. They were paying for the rental for a week, we just had to make our own arrangements to get there.
WS had mentioned trip to his parents, since they live a few hours away (closer than anyone else going), and they mentioned maybe they'd rent a beach place nearby and bring their grandkids (WS & I's nieces & nephew).
Since there's not a direct flight to the rental, we decided to fly direct to my in-laws. We were planning om renting a car, but they said don't rent a car, you can borrow one of ours.
Here's the miscommunication that came out tonight --
I thought in-laws were planning their own parallel trip and would be busy with their other grandkids and we'd meet up a couple of times over that week, either at the beach, or go out to lunch or something.
WS basically discussed/invited the in-laws (+3 grandkids, a YA, a teen and a tween) to hang out on the beach right by the place my aunt & uncle rented, would come in to use the bathroom, hang out by the pool the rental has, come BBQ in the backyard, basically come hang out whenever, just not spend the night.
I think this is incredibly rude. I feel like we're guests on this trip, we're not renting the house, AND to complicate matters, we're not particularly close with my family that invited us. They are very nice and generous, but the last time I've seen most of these people was probably 8-10 years ago.
WS thinks I'm overthinking things, and it should be no big deal, family is family and we should all just mingle and have fun on vacation.
I think that we don't have to be with my family 24/7, and it's a reasonable compromise to make plans a couple of times with his family and go over to where they're staying, go out to eat a couple times, etc. while we're in the same beach town. We also (during non-pandemic times) see the in-laws a couple of times per year.
WS thinks I'm being too uptight/rigid/unreasonable because "his family wouldn't think this was weird if the situation was reversed." I honestly don't know how my family would feel because we're not super close, but I don't think planning to see his family at their rental or make plans elsewhere to meet up is unreasonable.
Am I being too uptight? In general I am the more uptight one and WS is more go with the flow/why are you worrying/this is no big deal between the two of us, and there have definitely been times where I've been worried or anxious about a situation and WS was right, it was NBD.
Honestly, if this is no big deal, then I'll drop it (we're currently not talking because we were getting so heated discussing this tonight), but if I'm not overreacting, then I'm going to insist that meeting up with his parents/nieces/nephew can be done a couple of times during this week, at somewhere other than the house my aunt & uncle are renting.
12 comments posted: Saturday, April 2nd, 2022
Lucid Dreams (and Sex and Cheating)
I have somewhat lucid dreams, where I realize I'm dreaming and can choose my own actions realizing it's a dream, so I should have fun but I'm still not necessarily cognizant of who I am, or what's real, if that makes sense.
For instance, I was having a dream last night that involved characters from the Sopranos, my job somehow inolved fixing high school football games (indirectly), and at one point I ended up alone in a hotel room with the actor Chris O'Dowd.
So... the Sopranos characters didn't seem weird, my questionable job didn't seem weird, but I was aware that it was a dream and so I should make a move on Chris O'Dowd.
Until I tried to, and then got this sick feeling in my stomach and this thought, "But what about WH." Followed by confusion, because in my dream I was single and living in New Jersey, so I didn't know who that was or why I thought that.
Tried to make a move again.
"But what about WH? You don't want to ruin things with WH."
So at this point of the dream, I'm now backing away from a very confused Chris O'Dowd, as everything starts to disintegrate around me and I start to wake up.
Everything's been fine in reality, and the something like this happens and I start the internal dialogue loop of "How could you betray me?" even though I know how doesn't matter, because the reality is that he did.
Meanwhile I can't even have a dream about someone else, in a reality where WH doesn't exist, because my subconscious or psyche or whatever stops me from doing something that would risk hurting WH or hurting my family.
It's so frustrating, and it makes me so sad, and I don't know what I'm looking for posting here, but I think I just wish I knew a way to put the question of, "How could you betray me? Because I could never betray you like this..." to rest once and for all, because the reality is that he did, and depsite all the work on himself and the self reflection and answering all the questions, and making effort.....
How he could betray me will just never, never, never make sense in my mind, but I also realize it really doesn't matter, because whether or not it ever makes sense to me, he did it.
5 comments posted: Saturday, March 19th, 2022
Kanye West Harassing Kim Kardashian
I don't closely follow Ye or the Kardashians, but admit that I'll click on a gossipy news article on occasion. Lately I've been seeing people call out Ye's behaviour as being threatening/abusive towards Kim Kardashian and her (supposedly) new boyfriend, Pete Davidson.
I clicked on an article today calling out his new music video today, and was completely creeped out by the imagery and the lyrics . It's animation? Or claymation? And looks like he's kidnapped/murdered a Pete Davidson lookalike. At one point he's holding a severed head and rapping about how they'll have the best divorce ever because they're going to go to court together.
I know we can never truly know what's going on between them, and the media distorts things, but this... really, really freaked me out. It's like Ye is sending his soon-to-be ex-wife VERY public threats, and he just doesn't give AF. Because he can? Because he feels like she can't leave him? Because he thinks she deserves to be afraid? I don't know, but the fact that he's so blatantly doing this makes it more horrifying.
I'm sure she can afford top notch security, but still... no woman (or person) should be threatened by an ex like this.
9 comments posted: Thursday, March 3rd, 2022
Tell me everything I need to know about keeping (2? male?) guinea pigs as pets, please! 🐹🐖
14 comments posted: Tuesday, May 18th, 2021
Watching The Handmaid's Tale
Warning-- spoilers ahead.
Anyone else watch? I'm having trouble believing it, mostly because I just can't believe they wouldn't have killed June yet, or at the very least cut out her tongue so she couldn't , so some other horrible punishment.
Also, I wish June would have stuck with Emily and crossed the border. Yes, she would have left Hannah behind, but in the long run I think she could have done more good speaking out as the Waterford's ex-handmaid in Canada. Not to mention how completely unrealistic it was to think she could break into another Commander's house and escape with her daughter, without any help, resources or knowledge of where to go.
3 comments posted: Saturday, June 8th, 2019