Newest Member: LearnToLove


"I will survive, hey, hey!"

Triggered by Bad Advice Columns

I like reading the Dear Prudence column on Slate's website, and I generally like the current Prudie's advice compared to the previous one, but her advice the column today (Thursday) was so fucking awful.

Letter Writer (BW) wrote in saying her husband was having an affair, they're divorcing, but he had refused to name the AP. He slipped and mentioned a name, and it turns out the AP & her BH were mutual friends, and the AP had been a shoulder for LW to cry on. LW was furious, wants to rip AP's eyes out, but also thinks it's unfair to her mutual friend, the BH, and wanted to inform him.

Prudie's advice was to... wait.

How long?

One. Fucking. Year. shocked

Her explanation was the LW needs to focus on healing herself, shouldn't worry about the other BH, and she only wants to tell because she literally can't rip the AP's eyes out, so she should wait a year.

And then, if she's not mad at AP after a year she can tell the mutual friend/BH.

What. The. Fuck.

What if the AP gets pregnant and BH thinks it's his? What if they decided to buy a new house in the next year, rather than holding off on making any sort of big financial decisions? What if WH isn't the only person AP is cheating with and BH gets an STD?

mad mad mad mad mad

The only good thing is that a lot of the comments on the column disagreed and said the LW shouldn't wait a year, the BH deserves to know. But oooooh advice like that pisses me off.

11 comments posted: Friday, April 14th, 2023

Vanderpump Rules

Listen... I know it's cheesy reality TV, and the people on this show are hot messes with too many storylines involving infidelity im general, so I can understand why it might be a show many (especially on here) avoid.

However... if anyone on here does watch (or is just a Bravoholic in general), then you're aware to some degree what's going on right now.

I am completely shocked about the Ariana/Tom/Raquel drama right now. I'm so used to the norm of cheaters being painted as star-crossed lovers, as betrayed partners being guilty of not meeting relationship/partner needs, or like, whoops! The cheater made a mistake. barf NOT IN THIS CASE!!

I'm sorry she's going through this, but kind of loving all the posts and articles rallying behind Ariana, and all the posts and articles completely excoriating Tom & Raquel for their affair, and cutting them absolutely zero slack for their shitty choice to betray Ariana.

3 comments posted: Monday, March 6th, 2023

Unsolicited Advice

I'm trying to be vague, in case they stumble upon this site...

Someone I care about very deeply is dealing with infidelity in their LTR. Not married, no kids, finances separate.

They know I know, I reached out one time to offer condolences and let them know I was available if they wanted to talk, and could offer book recommendations, etc.

They have not reached out directly, but I know they are having second thoughts -- sunk cost fallacy, confusing regret w/ remorse kind of stuff.

I'm so conflicted. I don't want to overstep and give unsolicited advice. If they wanted to talk, they would have reached out, right?

But... if it were a different sitution, and they were like... considering moving back in with a physically abusive partner, or were going to make some other reckless decision, like... if they were at a casino and already had gambled away $1000, and didn't want to get up from the slot machine until they won it back... would it be appropriate to reach out again? To voice concerns? To maybe give a book about DV or talk to them about cutting their losses before they're in the hole $2000?

I feel like the answer is to keep my mouth shut, but I'm so worried (and this is someone very dear to me, that will presumably be in my life forever, so I genuinly want the best for them).

Edited to add: they are well aware of my situation, and were one of my closest supporters when I was in the midst of it all.

11 comments posted: Friday, March 3rd, 2023

Waffle House

Help me settle this debate, please.

Would you consider Waffle Houses to be an example of:

a diner


a fast food restaurant?

18 comments posted: Thursday, March 2nd, 2023

Mod please.

Notagain6526 is asking if their post, "Is NC possible with children?" can be moved to the Just Found Out forum.

1 comment posted: Tuesday, February 21st, 2023

JetBlue Credit/Refund Tips?

Long story short, WS & I were booking flights on JetBlue & figured out if we each booked for one adult + one kid, the flights were cheaper.

So, sitting next to each other, we got through the whole process, selected seats in the same row, put in our own CC info, and then hit to book/check out.

His went through, mine (even though I started maybe a few seconds before him) said that the seats I picked were no longer available, try again. So I reselect seats, the SAME seats, except now the price for the same two seats for one adult + one kid was $414 more! mad

I'm so frustrated.

Any tips or tricks for getting JetBlue to credit or refund for something like this? Or am I shit outta luck? sad

2 comments posted: Friday, February 17th, 2023

Mod please.


Just wondering if there's a formal way to request/suggest/nominate a post (or more specifically a reply in this case) for the healing library?

Thank you.

2 comments posted: Friday, January 27th, 2023

One Fine Morning Trigger Warning

Just saw an ad for a French film called "One Fine Day" starring Léa Seydoux. From the ad, it seems to be a movie about a sad single mom, taking care of her ill father. She's given up on love until she reconnects with an old friend. It looks sad, dreamy, romantic, with quotes/reviews of how amazing Seydoux's performance is popping up across the trailer.

And then of course, it gets towards the end and her "friend" tells her that he's not prepared to leave his wife and his son. 🤢🤢🤢🤮🤮🤮

Then she starts crying and looks heartbroken and says it was never a fling for her.

And now I'm effing annoyed. 😡😡😡😡😡

It's so frustrating and disheartening how frequently affairs are featured in books, movies & TV shows. And more specifically, how they're SO FUCKING WRONG. It's almost always portrayed as two star-crossed lovers kept apart by either some faceless or inept betrayed spouse, where it's basically insinuated that it's the BS's fault because they're just too boring, too inconsiderate, too wrapped up in the kids or being on the PTA or actually going to work to support their family, so clearly, how could the WS resist the AP?

Before infidelity, I didn't think too much about it. I thought cheating was wrong, and the characters in these situations should have either not cheated or been honest and ended their relationships to be with their AP. Now if I see or read any situations involving infidelity, my POV is totally different (obviously). The BS is busy with the kids? Well yeah, no shit. Someone in the relationship has to be the responsible parent, and it's not the WS that's ignoring their family to be with their AP. Their BS is so boring and they couldn't resist their exciting AP? Yeah, okay. Their boring BS is busy off camera making sure the bills get paid, the house gets cleaned, and is probably busy being a decent fucking person, but of course if that side was shown, then the audience would more easily see the "star-crossed lovers" for the deluded assholes that they actually are.

Why is infidelity so misconstrued? Why is this abuse allowed to be portrayed as something fun and glamorous time and time again? It's like if movies about domestic violence were prevalent, but instead of the message that it's wrong and noone should hit their partner and the aftermath, instead the abuser was characterized as someone fun and exciting and reclaiming their life, and their boring, inconsiderate partner needs to be hit if they forget to buy milk for morning coffee, or if they dare to have a differing opinion.

That would not be okay!!!!! So why is it okay to ignore the abuse that happens during an affair?

Okay, rant over.

8 comments posted: Wednesday, January 25th, 2023

Happy Hanukkah!

For anyone that celebrates, wishing you a happy hanukkah!

1 comment posted: Sunday, December 18th, 2022

How do you deal with baby fever?

No, my baby isn't sick. My baby isn't even a baby anymore, as she frequently likes to correct me -- she is six years old, and she is a big girl.

Trying to stay brief -- I had my first kid young-ish (especially compared to all my friends) at 22. I'm 35 now, and in the past few months, I know 17 people that are pregnant (a couple decided not to be anymore), or recently had babies. Every time I see a birth announcement or newborn photos pop up on my social media feeds, I have this instense thought -- I should have a baby.

Logically, this makes no sense. DS is headed off to HS next year, DD has always been a handful (didn't want anyone but me to touch her for the first 18-months, didn't sleep through the night until she was 4yo... I could go on and on, but WS and I joke that if she had been born first, she would be an only child). Having a third would be a terrible decision financially -- tuition at the nursery school both kid's attended is up to $23,300 (not including early bird or after care or summer camp), so we're doing much better off now that both kids are in public school fulltime.

There are easily a dozen reasons I can put under the "con" list for having another baby (I hated being pregnant, post partum sucks, both my labors lasted for days, we can pay for childcare again or save for college, our apartment doesn't have space for a baby + all the baby gear, DD is a handful etc. etc.), and the only "pro" would be like... I want a little baby again.

But this yearning is... intense. To the point I saw a baby announcement and went to WS crying, "Why don't you want to have a baby with me?" and he (very confused) said, "I did! I had two with you!"

Any advice on what to do with these feelings? Logically I know having a baby again would be a terrible idea for both me and my family! But I see some stupid picture of newborn feet and logic goes flying out the window...

14 comments posted: Monday, November 28th, 2022

5 Year D-Day-versary, and I'm Feeling Okay

I don't remember the exact day of November that my D-Day fell on, just that I found out Thanksgiving morning 2017.

What's the range commonly mentioned on SI -- 2-5 years to feel better? 3-5? I guess today is five years out for me (give or take a few days), and while I don't feel sad or upset, I can still remember in vivid details how my morning started, going to my family's house and pretending I was okay, and telling my cousins I needed a post-meal nap before dessert, when in reality I just spent hours in their guest room by myself, in shock. The icing on top of the day was being stuck in traffic on the ride back home, whisper arguing with WS, and waking up our 8yo in the backseat. sad

Anyways. I'm looking forward to this day, and I honestly didn't think it would be possible. I thought it would forever be tainted, but after the last two years of pandemic precautions, this is the first time in almost two years I'll be seeing my aunt and uncle in person, and my kids will get to play with my cousin's kids.

If you celebrate today, I hope you have a good day with family/friends/good. If you don't celebrate, I hope you have a good day regardless.


4 comments posted: Thursday, November 24th, 2022

Thank you SI

WS told me today that he heard through mutual coworkers that AP has cancer and a very poor prognosis.

I honestly don't feel anything other than sad for her, because cancer sucks.

WS told me that he was worried about telling me, because he wasn't sure how I would react, and was worried I'd be bringing bad karma on myself if I was happy.

I explained to WS that I don't think about her like that anymore. I realized awhile ago that she didn't betray me, WS was the one that betrayed me and my feelings towards her are mostly indifferent if/when she pops into my head.

I genuinely don't feel happy about this (no judgements if you would be happy if this were your situation), just a little sad because... hurt people hurt people, and though I stopped snooping about her on social media years ago, it didn't seem like she was the type of person to look at her own choices and realize she was an active participant in her own unhappiness.

It's almost 5-years since Thanksgiving 2017 (d-day barf ). Every so often I get caught up in waves of grief over what happened, and it still pops into my head daily, but the unbearable pain, triggers, and almost constant intrusive thoughts have died down to a point I genuinely never thought I would get to 3 or 4 years ago.

Thank you, SI (that means you, if you're reading this!). I don't know how I would have made it these past few years without you. XO

2 comments posted: Saturday, November 19th, 2022

Why do you trust?

I just read a Dear Prudence column on Slate from a few days ago (side note: I agree with and enjoy current "Prudie" Jenée Desmond-Harris' advice much more than previous "Prudie" Danny Lavery).

Long story short, the letter writer and her husband have had separate bedrooms for years due to sleeping issues, he moved a female friend going through a hard time into their house with her blessing, and female friend went from sleeping in basement to sharing husband's bed. Wife is only about 80% okay with this arrangement, but insists she trusts her husband. Her mother (who is their landlord and a former BS) found out, freaked out and is threatening to evict "friend." Letter writer was asking if she should back husband (because she trusts him!) or if her mom might be right.

The advice from Prudie was -- listen to your mom and get yourself in therapy. The comment section had lots of comments saying OF COURSE husband is cheating and probably gaslighting letter writer.

But one comment stuck out to me, which was:

"p.s. LW, Do you trust him because he is trustworthy, or because you are so very trustworthy? Has he lied in the past, maybe about small things, so-called white lies? I learned to not automatically extend trust, the hard way."

Because I don't think this question is asked enough, especially over in the JFO forum. Personally, I am very trustworthy. I don't see the point of white lies, my kids know Santa isn't real, etc. etc. Looking back, I can't say the same about my FWS.

And I remember talking to one of my closest friends about a month before D-Day, and she asked me if FWS was having an affair, and I remember being shocked at the question, because like, yeah, he might bend the truth a little here and there, but in order to carry on an affair he would have had to tell "real" (aka blatant, undeniable, horrible) lies, and I couldn't believe he would do that at the time, because how could a person do that to their spouse/partner, right? shocked

Well, I definitely learned my lesson the hard way. 🤦‍♀️

But it wasn't until I just read this comment that it hit me -- why do I trust people the way that I do? And it's 100% because I'm so trustworthy, and I just don't see the point of lying -- if you want to do something, just be honest about it, amirite? And if you're doing it and not being honest, then you must know what you're doing is wrong, so you shouldn't be doing it, right?

Anyways... my ramble is almost over. I usually tend to avoid the JFO forum, because I find it so frustrating (much like I assume the letter writer's mother does with this situation) when it's so obvious that their partner is cheating and mistreating them, but now I'm thinking about this question -- Do you trust them because they are trustworthy, or because you are so very trustworthy? and how it might be useful to get through to new posters in JFO...

9 comments posted: Thursday, October 20th, 2022

"Consensual" Relationships

Another day, another (quasi) celebrity cheating scandal. Sigh.

I don't even know who Ned Fulmer is or who the Try Guys are, but saw this and couldn't resist clicking (my fault, I know). This article said,

"Family should have always been my priority, but I lost focus and had a consensual workplace relationship," Fulmer, who built his brand as one of the internet’s Wife Guys, confirmed on Tuesday.

which reminded me of something that was said in the article about Ime Udoka, and the statement he released (iirc).

That one word. Consensual.

You know who didn't consent? The people that these cheaters were already dating/engaged/married to. They didn't consent. The cheaters KNEW they didn't consent. And, I understand that the cheater meant they had a relationship that (in theory) both people were agreeing to (even if there were huge imbalances in power, fame and/or age). But the hypocrisy just really struck me today. As if the issue with the relationship was about consent, as if everyone involved was aware, as if these relationships weren't corroded by lying and dishonesty.

What bullshit. Wouldn't it be refreshing if a cheater, after they get caught and blow up their family's reality, didn't blather on about consent? If they didn't say, "we'll get through this," "we ask for privacy," and instead gave a statement that said something like, "I'm a liar. My moral compass is extremely lacking and I need to work on being a better person. There were two people in my relationship, and while no relationship is perfect, only one person decided to betray people they claimed to love and care for, and that person is me. Please give my partner privacy and space to heal from my very public betrayal."

10 comments posted: Tuesday, September 27th, 2022

Behati Prinsloo & Nia Long

So if you spend any time on social media, or at the grocery store checkout line, you've probably seen that Adam Levine is being accused (now by multiple women) of cheating on his wife, Behati Prinsloo.

And just now signing onto email, news ads pop up on the top of the sign on screen, and it said "Celtics coach may face suspension for 'improper' relationship." I don't follow sports, but curiosity got the best of me, so I clicked on the link and the coach, Ime Udoka, who has supposedly been in a relationship Nia Long since 2010, was involved in an "improper intimate and consensual relationship with a female member of the team staff."

I have a lot of thoughts and feelings about this. First of all, my heart goes out to these women. It's bad enough to be cheated on, but it must be 1000x worse to do so in the public eye.

But... and part of me feels terrible about this, because I wouldn't wish the nightmare of dealing with infidelity on anyone... One thing that I've been... happy isn't the right word. Maybe comforted? Or vindicated? Is I'm seeing people share posts and memes putting the blame on Adam Levine and Ime Udoka for being cheaters.

No insinuations about how there's two sides of the story, or that they cheated because of a bad relationship, or that it must have been twu wuv/they were meant to be together (like Brittany & Jason Aldean barf ).

My favorite post that I came across being shared on social media said, "Normally I couldn't care less about celebrity drama, but Adam Levine cheating on his wife is a good reminder that someone cheating on you is never your fault. You can be a Victoria's Secret model, a GQ model, a wife, a husband, the mother of their children, the father of their children, perfect in every way... but if someone wants to cheat, they will. It is not a reflection of you, it is a reflection of them and their shitty morals."

8 comments posted: Thursday, September 22nd, 2022

Need Some Perspective/Am I Wrong?

100% a first world problem, and I need some perspective.

Backstory: About 1.5 years ago, my uncle emailed my father and said he and my aunt were planning a big trip to celebrate some milestones (big # birthday & big # anniversary), they were renting a giant beach house, and they would love for my parents, WS and I + kids, plus my brother to join them. Their kids and grandkids and my aunt's sister & kid would be coming, too. They were paying for the rental for a week, we just had to make our own arrangements to get there.

WS had mentioned trip to his parents, since they live a few hours away (closer than anyone else going), and they mentioned maybe they'd rent a beach place nearby and bring their grandkids (WS & I's nieces & nephew).

Since there's not a direct flight to the rental, we decided to fly direct to my in-laws. We were planning om renting a car, but they said don't rent a car, you can borrow one of ours.

Here's the miscommunication that came out tonight --

I thought in-laws were planning their own parallel trip and would be busy with their other grandkids and we'd meet up a couple of times over that week, either at the beach, or go out to lunch or something.

WS basically discussed/invited the in-laws (+3 grandkids, a YA, a teen and a tween) to hang out on the beach right by the place my aunt & uncle rented, would come in to use the bathroom, hang out by the pool the rental has, come BBQ in the backyard, basically come hang out whenever, just not spend the night.

I think this is incredibly rude. I feel like we're guests on this trip, we're not renting the house, AND to complicate matters, we're not particularly close with my family that invited us. They are very nice and generous, but the last time I've seen most of these people was probably 8-10 years ago.

WS thinks I'm overthinking things, and it should be no big deal, family is family and we should all just mingle and have fun on vacation.

I think that we don't have to be with my family 24/7, and it's a reasonable compromise to make plans a couple of times with his family and go over to where they're staying, go out to eat a couple times, etc. while we're in the same beach town. We also (during non-pandemic times) see the in-laws a couple of times per year.

WS thinks I'm being too uptight/rigid/unreasonable because "his family wouldn't think this was weird if the situation was reversed." I honestly don't know how my family would feel because we're not super close, but I don't think planning to see his family at their rental or make plans elsewhere to meet up is unreasonable.


Am I being too uptight? In general I am the more uptight one and WS is more go with the flow/why are you worrying/this is no big deal between the two of us, and there have definitely been times where I've been worried or anxious about a situation and WS was right, it was NBD.

Honestly, if this is no big deal, then I'll drop it (we're currently not talking because we were getting so heated discussing this tonight), but if I'm not overreacting, then I'm going to insist that meeting up with his parents/nieces/nephew can be done a couple of times during this week, at somewhere other than the house my aunt & uncle are renting.

12 comments posted: Saturday, April 2nd, 2022

Kanye West Harassing Kim Kardashian

I don't closely follow Ye or the Kardashians, but admit that I'll click on a gossipy news article on occasion. Lately I've been seeing people call out Ye's behaviour as being threatening/abusive towards Kim Kardashian and her (supposedly) new boyfriend, Pete Davidson.

I clicked on an article today calling out his new music video today, and was completely creeped out by the imagery and the lyrics shocked . It's animation? Or claymation? And looks like he's kidnapped/murdered a Pete Davidson lookalike. At one point he's holding a severed head and rapping about how they'll have the best divorce ever because they're going to go to court together. look

I know we can never truly know what's going on between them, and the media distorts things, but this... really, really freaked me out. It's like Ye is sending his soon-to-be ex-wife VERY public threats, and he just doesn't give AF. Because he can? Because he feels like she can't leave him? Because he thinks she deserves to be afraid? I don't know, but the fact that he's so blatantly doing this makes it more horrifying.

I'm sure she can afford top notch security, but still... no woman (or person) should be threatened by an ex like this.

9 comments posted: Thursday, March 3rd, 2022

Watching The Handmaid's Tale

Warning-- spoilers ahead.

Anyone else watch? I'm having trouble believing it, mostly because I just can't believe they wouldn't have killed June yet, or at the very least cut out her tongue so she couldn't , so some other horrible punishment.

Also, I wish June would have stuck with Emily and crossed the border. Yes, she would have left Hannah behind, but in the long run I think she could have done more good speaking out as the Waterford's ex-handmaid in Canada. Not to mention how completely unrealistic it was to think she could break into another Commander's house and escape with her daughter, without any help, resources or knowledge of where to go.

3 comments posted: Saturday, June 8th, 2019

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