Newest Member: IHateEverything


Me-BS Him-WH (Razorbyrd) DDay1 2/10/15 EA-he was in love DDay2 5/29/15 TT still emailing OW & others 4/21/16, 10/3/17, 11/3/17 SO much TT 11/30/18 TT - Admits PA with ExGF in 2014

Another installment of "This is what healing looks like"

Hi all, it's been a long time. I just had another moment of encouragement that I thought I'd share here, as an example of what this process can be.

We hardly talk about the As now. If something comes up I will mention it, but there really hasn't been much need to talk about it lately. Sometimes a name will pop up on TV, or the subject will come up in a movie we are watching. He remains aware and mindful of those moments, and is always reaching out to take my hand, or offer yet one more apology for making these things an issue in our life. But really, as far as this all goes it's been very quiet in our world for the most part. Yesterday that all went out the window as he came home for lunch and shared some news. His supervisor has hired a woman to work in his dept. FWH will be responsible for training and daily overseeing of the new staff. Years ago I wouldn't have cared that he had a woman working so closely, but we all know how our perceptions and reactions change after the As, and well 1 of the women he was inappropriate with was in his dept back then. She'd left shortly after DDay and he was surrounded by all men in his dept since.

I was pondering this morning how differently this looks in our life now, as opposed to how it would have a few years ago. This is in direct relation to all of the work he has done to become a man of integrity. I was honest with him yesterday about my gut reaction of "UGGGHHHH", and later last night poured out all of the crazy stuff that is now running through my head, and will continue to run through my head as we move forward through this. (closed door meetings, a woman having access to his phone/email, not knowing what kind of a person she is, his former need to connect with everyone and be liked by them... etc etc) He listened so intently and talked it all through calmly with me. He completely understands that it is his prior behavior that has us here, and owns it. He also talked through his own current personal boundaries at work, and how he intends to implement those boundaries in this new situation. He is open to talking through anything and everything that pops up, and explain how he's handling things. His entire focus during our conversation was "What do you need me to do to show you daily that we are ok, my boundaries are in place, and I'm here for you to help you get through this?" THIS is exactly what healing looks like. There was no yelling, no exasperation or defensiveness. Not once did he blurt out that I should just trust him because he's not that guy anymore. This situation was a complete surprise to both of us, but I'm so grateful for where we are in this process. I'm so grateful for all of the hard work he put in with his IC. I'm so grateful for all of the work we've both put in to the communication in our M which has led to this level of healing. I'm grateful for the transparency we've built into our lives. Mostly, I'm grateful for his daily devotion to his faith and to being a man of integrity.

So, for those new to this, (and I guess also those not so new, cuz man we aren't new to this and are still working at it), It really IS possible, by the Grace of God and a LOT of hard work (REALLY HARD work) to continue to heal. We continue to move forward with a loving and beautiful marriage despite our history.

Wishing y'all peace.

7 comments posted: Thursday, March 24th, 2022

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