SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am sad to admit that I have been obsessed with the OW since DDAY. I believe that I probably think about her more than my WH even during the affair. Everyday it is with me.

Recently I saw that she was finally dating someone.

My goal since DDay was always revenge and annihilation. I am currently obsessing over the new person’s name to find out more about him.

What will I do with her new BF’s name? I have no idea. But I don’t want her to feel one millisecond of contented love or safety…..ever.

I get to see my husband’s suffering up close and personal but I feel like she got away Scott free.

I want her to lose everything like I did.

I am having a low moment and I realize there is something inherently wrong with my wanting to destroy her and I am keenly aware that it is counterproductive to my healing process——-
But this is the cancer that I contracted from she and my FWH.

Has anyone had a taste of revenge? How did you get rid of it? What did you imagine doing?

Will I wake up one day and realize I haven’t thought about the AP in a long time?

I have to say that nothing would make me happier than to see the OW dating someone else. Hopefully that would minimize the chances of her deciding to contact WH and trying to rope him back into her drama queen shit, trying to trigger his guilt and playing on every single one of his weaknesses to get attention for her sorry little bitch self! She's a very unstable person who needs constant attention and validation and will try to make every single one of her crappy choices someone else's fault. I informed the OBS about the affair about two months after I discovered it last year. It took him over a year, but he finally decided to leave her. I supposed I put that in motion by telling him (oops, my bad! ).

I totally get the desire to see the OW crash and burn. It's completely understandable! However, I wouldn't waste another minute of your valuable time or attention on that bag of trash. I know that I am a far better person than the OW. I'm sure you are too! I choose to take the high road and let her rot in the gutter. Don't let your hatred bring you down to her level.

I have information on OW that will destroy her. I am going to expose her one day.

She has stalked me for years. I can deal with that. She made the mistake of contacting my child, giving her intimate details and sent her pics that no child(she was 18) should ever have to see. That is my motivation. Fuck my husband? I'll deal. Involve my child? That can never be made right.

I will dance to her tears.

5 years out and I believe I am healed as much as I ever will be. That being said, I still fantasize ways in which to humiliate and destroy her. ( I have not acted on any of this , but probably would if I knew for sure it wouldn’t come back to bite me in ass). I still hope she finds nothing but heartache and grief for the rest of her life. 🤷‍♀️ I don’t expect these feelings to ever change nor do I think they need to. I suspect her husband may feel the same about my husband and i don’t blame him one bit. I have a friend with a story similar to mine. She feels the same. 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

The way to break the obsession is to block her and stop tracking her. Stop letting her live rent free in your head. I rarely think of the OW anymore (and I used to - it’s totally normal). She really is irrelevant.

I know this is easier said than done. Now if I saw OW on the side of the road at 2:00am with a broken down car…. I don't think I would stop.
(But who knows). But she doesn;t get to take up any more of my emotional energy. She ain’t worth it.

Also, feel bad for her new BF and celebrate that her attention is elsewhere. she’s someone else’s problem now.

(And my revenge fantasy was she lose a few teeth, have her hair fall out and have to live in a low rent senior trailer park where she would be snubbed by the good folks there. I wanted her humiliated and knocked down from her bougie pedestal. And she had great hair, unfortunately.)

I totally get this!!! From what I’ve read on SI, waywards who have done the work carry shame/remorse/regret for the rest of their lives. And we won’t even go into what BS goes through.
HOWEVER, the AP??? It does look like they got away free with little or no consequences, especially the single ones. They go on with their lives. Either they don’t care or are totally oblivious to the destruction the affair has caused. It’s as if nothing happened. This makes me livid.
One thing that helps me is releasing the AP to the higher power. What goes around comes around. Karma is a bitch. A man reaps what he sows. That sort of thing. Everything catches up to us eventually. Your FWH’s AP may seem happy in this new relationship but given who she is (morally corrupt, selfish) it is bound to fail. And since AP’s picker sucks (case in point: she picked a married man) she probably will continue to make bad choices which will lead her to a real heartache one day. Or her new lover may cheat on her and she will get a taste of her own medicine.

You have to stop following her. She will get hers, she will continue to live her miserable life being used and discarded by men.

After Dday I turned all of my anger on my WW. She stole something from me and gave it to the AP. She is the center of blame and not him.

The best revenge is a life well lived. That’s not just a saying but in many ways it’s the best revenge you can give.

Sadly when you retaliate against the OW /AP it only serves to validate them and give them insight into your situation. In some of the posts here some of the APs deserve it. Especially contacting someone’s children. That is a low blow and I would definitely retaliate in that case.

But you need to understand something about the OW. She’s not special or anything even close to that. She was a mistake. The relationship wasn’t real but nothing more than an escape to a fantasy. The OW was just available to someone who used them — and then tossed them aside.

My H’s last affair was his biggest regret. He does wish it never happened - despite him planning to D me to be w/ the OW. He was so far down the rabbit hole that he nearly lost his family, his marriage etc. for someone who was just an unstable social media whore whose best assets hung out of every shirt she owned.

The day I stopped worrying about the OW was the day my life improved. I hope this helps you to move forward and forget the OW and remove her from your life. For good.

We are in the same situation howcthappen.

I wanted to get even as well and I am obsessed with the OW since DDAY.

I contacted the OBS 2 months after DDAY and informed him about the affair. OW's friend contacted my WH and said that I need to stop and told him that the pain I inflicted to her friend was already too much. 🙄 (the audacity!)

I contacted the OW and I did not get any remorse from her. Nothing. I was surprised to myself though that I was calm to that whole 5 min conversation.

Anyway, I would have to agree with bearlybreathing, tanner, the1stwife and cedarwoods. Block her, dont track/follow her. Live well. What comes around goes around.

I myself is also learning to implement all of these. Thanks for your post. I feel you. You are not alone. I hope we can be free from this soon.

Has anyone had a taste of revenge? How did you get rid of it? What did you imagine doing?

Will I wake up one day and realize I haven’t thought about the AP in a long time?

Firstly let me say that this too haunted me. The AP. I met her twice. So I know what she looked like and saw some of her character. Once during the affair with my husband (I knew nothing of what was going on) and when my husband picked up the last of his things from her house once he left her. I went with him.

I do not have to imagine what she looks like...I know.

But OMG, thoughts of revenge....yes. For being complicit, for knowing what she was doing behind my back. I do not hold her responsible for the affair...that is all on my husband.

What did I imagine and never acted on it: Registering her on any web site, or online magazines and flooding her email. Dumping a pile of shit on her doorstep. Keying her car, slashing her tires. She is not on any social media, very private person. So that was a dead end. Unmarried, partner had died 30 years ago. So dead end there. Hiring a private detective to follow her around ( for the hell of it). Installing a video cam in her home to watch her drink (she is by all accounts a heavy drinker). Spreading chemicals on her property to kill off her garden of plants. Sending her anonymous "I know what you did" threats. I wished her ill health, a bad life.

I sound like a lunatic don't I? lol. But It is not a disease, it's a manifestation of your loss. One looses so much as a betrayed.

Over time, this need I had, waned.(five years later) And at that point, I think common sense kicked in hard. I want to live well and healthy. I no longer obsess about this AP. I know she had lost weight after my husband left her. I know she drank. I know she journaled. I know she felt abandoned (just like me).

What I don't know is how she is today and I'm not interested in finding out either. I do wonder sometimes though. And I feel sorry for the way things turned out for her and my husband. I feel sympathy not empathy.

But hey, everyone has a different way of healing. Face those revenge feelings, stare them down. Do what it takes to make you feel better, not worse.
And eventually you will reach a balance. Almost certainly.

FWH also told me that I was more obsessed than he was during the A. However, this was a double betrayal and I would run into her in mutual circles at least once a week.

I did some pretty petty things. I told everyone in our little community. Wished her bad things. Never followed through with anything, except registering her for so much spam. Felt good at the time. Now I know that she doesn’t deserve any of my headspace. The only reason why this happened is that she was willing. She’s not sorry. Hasn’t grown from it. Blames me and her ex/OBS.

I did discover that she’s now in a long term relationship with a serial cheater looking for his 4th wife. When that karma bus plows over her, I’ll be popping popcorn and opening wine to watch from afar. But, for now…..I’m trying hard not to think about any of it. Easier said than done in A season.

I was obsessed with the OW for several years and then it sort of faded away. I was pretty well over the need to creep on her social media, since her Facebook was locked down tight and seemed dormant.

Then about 6-7 years ago, a friend had a DDay and showed us her OW's Pinterest, so I thought "Hmm, I wonder if 'my' OW is on Pinterest." Holy shit, was she. There was a board that had literally 900+ memes about unrequited love, "the one that got away", and "I just want you to pull my hair and bend me over" type shit. It ripped open an old wound and I became obsessed again. Even though it's been a long, long time since DDay, I'm pretty sure those memes are about my H. OW got married five years after DDay. I supposed she could be talking about someone else she dated or cheated with later, but I doubt it. I still check her Pinterest every couple of weeks. Not healthy, I know. I've talked about it in counseling.

I considered approaching her H at the company party and saying "You should look up your wife on Pinterest" but I didn't because I don't want her to know that I care enough to creep on her and that she got to me. I suspect her intention in posting all that was either to let H know that she's still interested or to mess with me, or both. Or maybe she's just dumb and doesn't know that everything on Pinterest is public, even if you block someone.

I used to fantasize about writing her phone number on the wall at truck stops. "For a good time, call..."
I imagined casually strolling into her office, grabbing her hair, and slamming her head on her desk.
I envisioned a semi mowing her down in the parking lot. (They worked at a dealership.)

They no longer work in the same building, but when they did, I took every opportunity to get all up in her business. I've even smiled at her. I think I threw her for a loop when I didn't come at her to fight. Lord knows she baited me. My specialty is killing with kindness, and I'm damn good at it.

If you can help it, resist looking at OW's social media so that you can let the wounds close and heal permanently. Don't be like me.

Gently, I found no way to wreak revenge without adding to my own pain, and I spent parts of 2 years looking for one. If you find a way to hurt the ap without risking hurt to yourself ... well, I'd bet a lot that no way exists.

Besides, it's not the ap who's the problem. Unless it's a double betrayal, the ap never promised you anything. Your WS did.

The more you heal, the angrier you'll get at your WS. The angrier you get at your WS, up to a point, the more you'll heal.

Sisoon,

I usually agree with everything you say. I do agree that there is no safe revenge that will not in turn hurt the betrayed, but I’d still love to find one. Maybe it’s because I did experience a double betrayal, but the less angry I got at my husband the more I healed and was able to move forward. I never felt the need to be less angry with the OW. I will never wish anything short of a lonely, sad, trauma filled life for her. Admittedly, not a pretty look on me, but it’s honest.

I am a betrayed husband and I noticed that most of these responses have been from betrayed wives. Interesting, I can certainly relate to this so I guess there's not much of a gender difference.

I too was haunted by thoughts of revenge. Similar to one member who thought of damaging the APs vehicle which was one of the many things that ran through my mind. I never carried through with any actions. Only in my head.I didn't want these thoughts I couldn't stop them. I would relish the thoughts of him suffering. Something like "BarelyBreathing" described being broke down on the side of the road and not stopping to help. My thoughts were darker, like him in bad situation and me the only person who could help him. I would just stare watching him suffer, him knowing I was his only chance of surviving.

I also thought he was getting off without out a scratch. I also knew him, he was my wifes boss, and know where he lives. After my wife left that job (several years later) the obsession faded. I couldn't do anything that may bring attention to me and my family. I never confronted his wife, (shame on me) or notified the company HR. Back then was much different than today with employee relationships. We had a family to worry about. We got close to normal, reconciled in her mind. I was unaware of the trauma stuck in me. We went on ok for a couple of decades.

I learned that my daughters husband was cheating on her. I was sick, my wife had to notice my near panic. We have never told of her affair to anyone in our family. From that moment I was right back to the beginning no sleep, mind movies, triggers that were nearly forgotten and yes the obsession of dealing great harm to her AP

I got a therapist this time for infidelity trauma and she has taught me ways to stop obsessing. Im very greatful. There are many research tools today and yes while still obsessing I investigated him. As a couple of others posting comment have said, the AP will get theirs in the end. I learned that he was later charged with stalking his wife while separated, he lost his high paying job where he and my wife worked. Since hes had multiple failed marraiges.

My wife was upset that I felt the need to track him down. She says she never thinks of him. Its hard for me. While I don't obsess anymore. I still have to drive by his old house everyday. Sometimes he enters my mind and sometimes not. When I do think of him its how good is Karma, he was a loser and remains a loser in retirement. I think hes going die a lonely man. not obsessing but my fingers are crossed.

BOAZ367

"I got a therapist this time for infidelity trauma and she has taught me ways to stop obsessing. Im very greatful."

Would it be okay if you can share some of the tips on ways to stop obsessing?

I guess I'm an outlier here, as I never had a desire for revenge. I always thought of the AP as just a constant that you plug into an equation. He could literally be anyone. My WW (now EXWW) Tried to blame him for seducing her, but I told her he was just a predatory guy, trying to up his notch count. You can't blame a shark for being a shark. It was up to her to protect her M, not him. She even confronted him for "taking advantage" of her during a vulnerable time in her life. Yes,the bullshit is strong in my EXWW. His response was, "You should have said no, then". And that is the crux of the issue. If you are on a diet, you cannot blame the cheesecake for making you eat it.

As for revenge, karma, etc. I actually feel sad for the AP. Hos W cheated on him and left him for her AP. She even abandoned her baby at 6 months. He had a choicecat that point to find a way to heal or become bitter. I guess he chose the latter. Now, he is a man without honour,lurching from one failed relationship to the next, desperately trying to fill a hole or validate some subconscious shortcoming. Each day that passes brings him one day closer to death and presumably the realization that he has lived his one precious life poorly. If he doesn't, who cares? Not my problem...

We each get one trip through this world. Why waste it? I have managed over half a century without doing any significant harm to anyone else. I'd like to keep it that way. I have been described by others as a man of honour and one of the best men they know. If I can exit this life with that opinion of me, why on earth would I risk it for some petty vengeance. Do no harm.

I was obsessed with the OW. She posted on an amateur porn site. I have seen everything she had to offer. After D-Day, she even started a blog, so I was able to read all about her very sad feelings.

I contacted her on the phone 3 months after D-Day. It was intense. Not long after that, she announced she was pregnant. According to her blog, she had me to thank for the pregnancy -- revealing the A to her H brought them closer. For a little while at least... she was sleeping with others while she was pregnant.

Anyhow, I had the best revenge planned. I was going to send a present to her baby shower. A beautifully wrapped gift for her to open in front of her friends and family. Inside would have been a beautiful frame with one of her publicly shared porn pics. The only flaw in my plan? She had no one to throw her a shower. She had no shower. She had no friends. No one cared enough about her. I didn't need to execute my plan.

I won't say I don't still have times where I peek in, but it doesn't make me feel any better about her, myself, my H, or the A. It's just peeping into the life of a person, noting they've made little "progress" and then going back to my own life.

As Captain Ahab learned in Moby Dick, going after the great white whale was never going to make his lost leg grow back. In the end, the whale got away with just a wound but Ahab got his neck broken.

So it is with this OW. No matter what you do to her, your pre-affair marriage isn’t coming back. And even if you got temporary satisfaction by sabotaging her relationship, are you going to make it your life's mission to hunt down every guy who ever looks at her? At the end of the day, trying to prevent her from moving on with her life is only going to hold back yours.

As an exercise, try writing down in a notebook how much time you spend thinking about her, looking her up on social media, and trying to find out her boyfriend's identity and ways to contact him. Do this for a week.

At the end of the week, tally up all the time and emotional energy you dedicated to the OW. Then, make a list of all the things that you could've been doing to benefit your own life and happiness... even if it was something as simple as baking a cake from scratch.

In short, don't rob yourself of your future by trying to settle accounts in the past.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 2:02 AM, Thursday, November 30th]

Thank you, BluerThanBlue. That was so well said. I'm going to read that a few times.