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Question about the "cheaters handbook" (moved to General)

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2 comments posted: Wednesday, April 19th, 2023

Seek professional help right away, don't suffer a minute longer than you have to.

I'm new here,I just found SI this past week and decided to create a profile. My story is old but ongoing. My now wife and I began dating late in her senior year of HS. We married 2 1/2 years later. We both had good jobs with benefits. Right after our wedding I got a promotion, more responsibility and way more money. Seemed like we were off to a good start. We both would socialize after work with our respective coworkers. 1 1/2 years into marriage she had affair with her boss. I never saw it coming. To her credit she confessed, its likely I would never have found out otherwise. She was very upset with herself but remained working and promoted to her bosses admin assistant. She continued working there and still went out for lunches and happy hour. Not every day but more than I would like. I was a wreck. 5 years later we welcomed our first child. Seeing her go into mother mode was great. Our parents all know each other well and all get along. I believe their presence is what kept us together. To the best of my knowledge no one else knows of the affair. Not even the parents. I began feeling safer at this point. 3 yrs later our next child is born and we decided she would not return to work. Full time mom. The five years after dday were very difficult, a lot of pain and sleepless nights. We built a house together and now three kids, I feel reasonably safe.

My coping mechanism was work and a couple of organizations I belonged to, and of course too much alcohol. We rarely talked about the affair. If it came up she would get very upset and say I thought this was behind us. Triggers were constant for me and brutal. They diminished over the years but never completely gone. Usually result in a dull sadness. Fast forward 25 years early retirement is planned. I was excited, a light at the end of the tunnel and looking forward to career change, part time work and spending more time together.

Then a reality check. I had a serious medical scare landing me in the hospital and ultimately cardiac procedure day 1 of retirement. During this time we have lost her parents. I was in rehab and making progress physically and mentally. We learned a very close family member experienced infidelity betrayal. Additionally a neighbor/close friend as well learned of his wifes long term affair. This hit me hard. Flashback, every emotion from years ago is now back in full force. It didn't help my wife and become somewhat distant in our relationship as my career was winding down. I felt her pulling away. I became very worried and back to sleepless nights, upset stomach, all the trauma stuff. I said to myself I can't go through this again. This time I have sought help.

I did a lot of research, websites like [no soliciting] and [no soliciting] have a lot of good information and offer services. i have not paid for any of their services. [no soliciting] was helpfull too, there I found a local therapist I have been seeing and she has been a tremendous help. For 11 months I have improved physically,emotionally and intellectually. I focus on her more now than ever before. My wife has seen the changes in me and we are drawing closer. She still has difficulty facing her past actions and I believe she is traumatized by her own past behaviors. She is upset that I shared our situation with a stranger and gets panicked. My trauma is now diagnosed and I am working on that with my therapist. I have to fix me first. Hopefully it will rub off on my wife and she may open up to counseling herself. The future looks bright. I forgot to say since leaving the workforce my wife has given me any reason to doubt her faithfullness. We are beginning the next season in our lives.

1 comment posted: Sunday, February 5th, 2023

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