Nothing new to see here. Going into my first Ironman in 11 days. Totally first world probs. After all the triggering, decided to try another EDMR session just to make running into OW not such a thing. 1. 5 out of 7 days of runs ins plus EMDR....yep do not recommend. 2. Aftermath of emdr makes me attack FWH....again do not recommend. Thankfully, he's actually in the kitchen making me dinner because he knows what I'm trying to do...and it's one thing he can do. 3. We're actually 4.5 years out and mostly in a better place (except for the ramped up run ins). It isn't lost on me that I'm CHOOSING to be in a space where OW is. Choosing to own it. Doing this, everyone asks what my why is. Am I pathetic that it is....F-you? It feels pathetic. I just want to finish. Skipped the crazy boat workout this evening, where she usually follows me around, because I just don't have the energy for that.
And also, I'm in that weird emotional space leading up to this....where, I'm sure if I hadn't shielded myself from this....I'd totally be vulnerable to an affair.
Did I also say....that this is such a common thing that divorce by triathlon is a topic on every Tri-club's page?
4 comments posted: Wednesday, September 13th, 2023
Similar to the study that was announced here.....there is a MC on TikTok that conducted a study with around 1500 WS. I know....tiktok....probably doesn't seem like a credible place to look for advice. But, some of the information she's been publishing there is really interesting and validating. Like 60% of the respondents said they cheated, once and never again. That the most common length of an A 2-6 months. That WS were usually going through their own terrible place. That many claimed to love their BS. That the vast majority stayed in the marriage and worked toward R. She has a website. She's doesn't excuse A, but seemed to explain it in a way that I could digest without going down the shame spiral myself. Check it out, if you're so inclined.
1 comment posted: Monday, September 4th, 2023
The gift that keeps on giving.....
Had a major drama with FWH. We are in real estate. OW's parents are selling their home. FWH asked if I'd have a problem if we bought it....not to live in....but to develop the property. It's a deal. OW's parents know us. Know the whole story, as OBS outted it to them.
Now...FWH didn't hide that it the property came up on his radar. Didn't hide that he knew who owned it. And asked what I thought about it. Those are all new behaviors. During and pre-A....he wouldn't have consulted me. We have made some progress. I didn't answer him at first. I was just trying to process it. He did it at the end of a beautifully romantic dinner we were having. It was kind of like the record needle dramatically scratching. He had forgotten that he and OW and said parents made our family Christmas dinner during the A. My family of origin is complicated to say the least, and FWH and OW sold it as providing a family Christmas when I didn't have one. Little did I know that this was their way of getting to spend the holiday together.... Conveniently,he didn't initially recall that. The idea came from a builder partner of ours. FWH told said partner that he knew the owners and that I might not like the idea (ya think?) because he used to workout with their daughter and then said....."nothing happened". This he told me.
I get that he didn't want to out himself to the builder friend. It's been nearly 5 years. But, I lost it. Seriously, considering the property....given that this is my business....I can excuse, I had to take a moment to think about how it might benefit us long term....and it would. But, the "nothing happened" BS just took me back to trigger hell. 1. He said this all the time during the affair. 2. He threw me under the bus, made me out to be the unreasonably jealous wife.
When he saw my reaction, he took the whole idea off the table with the builder and said I wouldn't be happy, because of mistakes he had made regarding OW. Or at least that is what he told me. Do I believe that 100%, hell no. I told him this lying is "affair" behavior and I won't be around for it.
I'm trying to look at what he did do that was different. And those are positive, I guess. But, that I had to tell me what to do at all, makes me think that I'll never get away from this. That he's not fundamentally changed. To be honest, things have been really pretty good with us for a long while. But, this one had me really wondering if this hard work was worth it at all.
18 comments posted: Wednesday, August 23rd, 2023
Recovery happens when it happens. You're not doing it wrong.
This is terrible. I met a man a few days ago....another person doing triathlon. I was in a bad place. On a training swim. OW was there, again. I'll be happy when I no longer physically react as if there is a tiger in the room. When this happens....I look anxious (understandably so). Most of the time, I can pass it off as nerves about whatever swim is coming up. This time I couldn't. It was the second time I ran into her in one day. FWH and son were out of town. I was physically and emotionally alone to deal with the aftermath of the A. Mind you, this was after another woman has shared some TMI triathlon thing. He asked and I answered...."I got into tri because my husband was training with someone, here on this boat whom I won't name, and they had the brilliant idea to have an A. FWH and I, we're in a much better place, but the running into OW is hard for me and I know once I begin the swim...things will be better". He responded that the same thing had happened to him. His ex left him for HER training partner. Then he showed me the scar on his wrist. He was so broken up by it that he had attempted suicide. Suicide. He's good now. But, could attest to just how hard this all is. We're triathletes. The physical part of that is so much easier than the triggers.
Often FWH, my BFF, our son....all those who are close to me who know about the A....remind me to be strong. That I won....blah, blah, blah. And, then I'll beat myself up for not leaving (because I love him). Or not doing recovery quickly enough or right? They're tired of it. I'm tired of it.
It gave me a little bit of comfort to know....I'm not doing it too slow or wrong. I often wanted to get in the car and drive off into the distance away from all of this. Never to the point of suicidal ideation, but not far off in the darkest days. It is MUCH better now.
It takes just as long as it takes.
4 comments posted: Saturday, July 29th, 2023
Something of a dilemma….and very minor. Extra points for responses that help me laugh through this
So, OW in my case is a triathlete, as am I. It’s a very small community. Very the longest time, after DDay she was, in my mind, really aggressive. DIdn’t have the sense to just give me space. We run into each other at events and sometimes during workouts. I do my best to politely ignore, but she still shows up and tries to talk to me. So many photos of her and her new BF standing inches away from me while I have my back to her. Like she either wants to talk to me or they have a weird fascination in hearing an update of our story.
I imagine that she’s made me out to be the villain in her story. No telling what FWH told her about me or not…to get into her pants. I digress.
A mutual friend/athlete, who knows, set up a group chat to organize some workouts. Of course, we’re both on the chat with 100 other people. It’s be 4.5 years since DDay and it still stings to see OW’s name/face/car….whatever. Doesn’t sting as bad, but still sucks. When I discovered OW there, I left the chat. And, then promptly had quite a few other athletes, who don’t know, ask me why I left. Mutual friend knows the story, but didn’t realize we were both there until I left when she messaged to apologize. Leaving messaged everyone, including OW that I had left. I immediately had myself added back. If I make OW half as uncomfortable by my presence, it’s a win. I know this is stupid and petty in the grand scheme of things. I also know from how she and her BF follow me around at events that this will likely lead to communication that I don’t want. Though, I also don’t want OW to have the satisfaction of pushing me away from things I want to do. But, I also don’t want to see her face.
I keep telling myself that she’s nothing special. She was just available and willing. Human, flawed. It’s ok if not everyone thinks she’s the antichrist…as I would naturally do. She is deserving of friends and compassion and maybe has grown or changed (but I doubt it).
I keep trying to plan what I might say if a confrontation does come, as I still have a hard time making words when these things happen. I don’t want to cause a scene, as that will likely fuel some narrative.
Anyone here deal with an OW who was a sister or friend. I don’t want to change my life or quit the sport that keeps me from keying her car. This was a double betrayal in my situation. I won’t be having any relationship with this person. She isn’t worthy of the time it took to write this post. Just looking for suggestions if you often run into Others.
45 comments posted: Monday, July 3rd, 2023
Really…..4 yr old triggers…..
Mostly, I just read or stay away. I’d say we’re 85-90% there. I’m super grateful for that. It’s been an eventful year. Suddenly empty nesters. FWH planned all sorts of wonderful adventures….and we ticked them off our list.
I feel like such an idiot even writing this. Mostly, I feel like I won. I like the guy I’m married to now much better than pre-A. I get triggered and 90% of the time, I process it and don’t let it change my day. There are plenty of triggery places and events. It’s a small, small town. I still work out at the gym and occasionally run into OW. She was a "friend". Most of the time I’m ok. It is just something that happened.
A few weeks ago, FWH was in a bad accident. He didn’t remember how it happened and came to in an ambulance. Thankful, he was with a male friend, they were riding bikes. Male friend is a friend of our marriage and made sure he was ok. I had been out of town and rushed back. And, thankfully, FWH is going to be ok. It’s been a nearly 3 week recovery for him. He’s still not completely recovered and in pain. I’m sure he’s frustrated by that. Lots of time home from work. He’s almost always on the go, and this is a real challenge for him. I’ve been doing a lot of care taking, which mostly I’m happy to do. But, while in pain….FWH reverts to being an insensitive jerk and said something extremely triggering last night. Nothing serious, he just wasn’t thinking. The A happened while I was doing something that I loved….he waited until I was at church or out with girlfriends….even four years later….I’ll do those things, but they give me pause. He said something silly about how he thought I was staying home to take care of him because I didn’t trust him. He’s in pain and angry about it. Made me totally want to go back through his devices - which he will give up freely.
What’s worse for me is that, I’m so angry with myself….for being THAT wife….the one he cheated on. I know I should be grateful of where we are. But, these little slips, these human slips….it’s not even A related really….just puts me in that "I’m outta here" mode.
Told him about it….he brought home flowers….and apologizes. Just so angry that this is a part of my life at all.
5 comments posted: Thursday, April 27th, 2023
It's not Thursday, but I'm thankful
We had a bit of an adventure for the holidays. I had to travel for work on the 23rd. Our family celebrates Christmas on Christmas Eve. It is a big to do. My family is second generation Ukrainian. We have a very elaborate Christmas Eve meal....a bit like a seder. 12 courses, homemade pierogi, etc.
As I was out of town, FWH called to let me know...1. The heat was out. and 2. The stove stopped working. The next morning, he went to 3 hardware/box stores to find the 1 and only gas range that was in stock. As he was installing it....our power went out.....for 8 hours. So he found us a kerosine heater and I made Christmas Eve by candlelight. Just as we finished the preparations, the power came back on.
I really tried to just say....well do this another day....many times. He wouldn't let me, because he knows how important it is to me. It was the best Christmas EVER.
5 comments posted: Monday, December 26th, 2022
Down to usually a trigger a month or so
But when they come.....damn. I'm almost 4 years out. When they hit, I go into full on flight or fight....I'm googling divorce lawyers, etc. We've reached a point where things are good, maybe a little too comfortable. Not in a suspicious way, but in a "this is no longer a crisis" mode.
5 comments posted: Tuesday, November 29th, 2022
Struggled with something this week
OBS will reach out from time to time.....think once a year or so. Last time it was when he ran into my FWH, his ex-wife, and her new boyfriend all in the same pool. He was clearly triggered and let me know because he knew that FWH and I have a deal where anytime he runs into OW (which is thankfully rare...as I do it ALL.THE.TIME) FWH tells me and we follow a specific plan.
OBS divorced OW 18 months ago. I gather he, and the state, are having to sue her for child support. In the course of this suit, he's been able to see her bank statements. Evidently, she hid money during the divorce....surprise. It is a pretty hefty sum. OBS messaged me a few days ago asking if it was possible that this money could've come from my FWH. Don't you love how infidelity is the gift that keeps on giving.
Now....1. I think my husband is too cheap to ever do something like this.....but I also thought he'd never have an affair....so there is that. 2. He's said he's showed me all the accounts, but if he really wanted to do something like that.....he's smart enough to know how to hide it. 3. If it turns out to be true....which I'm fairly confident isn't the case, but affair makes me KNOW that I will never really know.......I don't think I would want to be in the same state much less married to him.
Further, our poster children for affair recovery......that OW blackmailed that FWH to the tune of six figures. So, I know it is possible. Though, thinking about where we were in recovery at the time.....my FWH really seemed all in for recovery. We were deep into therapy and both trying hard.
I did some digging. Didn't find anything. Spoke with FWH....who laughed at first, vehemently denied, and was angry that OBS reached out. Ultimately, the source will likely come out in court and then everyone will know for sure. To be truthful, I triggered HARD and lost my shit. FWH handled it well. Was very gentle with me. Helped remind me of the good place we've been in.
I don't really know what OBS thought he was going to achieve by asking this. He's known we've been in a good place. He apologized if it proved triggering (DUH). I've valued having had him out the affair to as I didn't know. And, it has been somewhat comforting having someone to cross reference timelines and be able to verify things with him. But, it's been 3 1/2 or so years. And, this is bonkers to try to process. Kudos to you if you read this long. I know it will come out eventually....but ugh!
10 comments posted: Friday, September 2nd, 2022
Not doing great
It's not FWH...it's me.
Moved our only kid into college last week. Everything went well. We're both back home trying to get into some kind of routine. Mostly, we're doing well. At least well with each other. Just this milestone..... I didn't stay in recovery or reconciliation for our son, but I did consider him when I decided to work hard. Being just with FWH in the house.....I'm asking myself "Is this it?". He's not doing anything wrong. Actually, he does so much right.
We've had a wonderful summer together as a family. Though, back at home is trigger central. It's even been more than 3 years....but coming home the affair is consuming more of my brain than I'd like.
I just can't shake that FWH was an enthusiastic participant in the affair. That a friend of mine was also enthusiastic about betraying me in the way they did. I guess, in my mind, I really wanted better for myself....I hate that the affair, even in the past, is part of our story. I hate how many people know in our small town. Feeling a bit of shame about that.
I know it will take time to adjust to empty nest. Stupid Monday.
10 comments posted: Tuesday, August 23rd, 2022
Reframing the name
The OW has a special, funny name….ironically one that FWH called her behind her back…..in my phone.
But, I see that/her real name everywhere….
It’s small potatoes. Give me a funny way to turn this around when I see it.
9 comments posted: Thursday, July 21st, 2022
OW shenanigans again
Went swimming on a boat with a bunch of triathlete friends. OW and FWH affair happened when they were training together for a race. She was mentoring me in the sport. This is a boat event that she would normally go on that I've been avoiding. Knowing that she recently had surgery - not stalking, just see her around town on crutches, I figured I'd be safe. H was at home making me dinner:).
OW showed up with a new boyfriend....also another athlete. (She has a type) And, she scrambled up to sit right, RIGHT, beside me. She had to pass numerous seats on crutches to get to my spot. New boyfriend giving me the stank eye like I did something wrong.
I just ignored them both....but when I got home I went down the rabbit hole of despair. Why WOULD anyone do this?? I know I should stop asking questions that are unanswerable. But, for crying out loud. It's like she either WANTS me to make a scene OR just likes to torture me. What a f-ing psycho! I'm not moving. I'm not changing sports - I got to a world championship last year after just three years of doing this. We're more than 3 years post DDay. H and I are doing great! He's done so much work that he's actually starting to feel like my hero again. And, that letting my guard down a bit has me more than a little nervous.
Thanks for listening.
P.S. Totally out-swam the boyfriend just out of spite.
29 comments posted: Thursday, June 16th, 2022
That is all....stupid triggers. Nothing in particular, just cumulative stuff....running into A people I don't really want to see in passing. They're people....not tigers anymore....but still triggering. FWH has had an epic man flu....not covid, thankfully.....but feel crappy doesn't help him to be around for us.....I should be grateful that he is around, but it has been a week without all the little things he does that show me where he is. I feel horrible for saying that. He's sick. But, without those little things, and him being sick.....I'm like "in sickness and in health"....F-that.....you didn't give me that. I'm angry. I've been here....made the chicken soup and all. It is so stupid. I feel like an epic child right now. 3 years out, I know he's frustrated that I'm not over this....I'm not completely. It days like this that I want to just tap out. I know I don't really want a D, but I also know that this is SO hard somedays. I just know that he didn't want to be with me....and it makes me want to bolt, cut and run, kick him out, start fresh, move abroad....IDK....just escape this. Tomorrow, I'm sure I'll feel better. He handled it like a man with the flu....and then apologized. Was, super defensive....because man-flu....and I'm also so wary that I'm going to be posting here again with another DDday. I don't REALLY think so, but WTAF do I know? Just a bad day.
7 comments posted: Thursday, May 5th, 2022
I am a mess
Last week, my FWH went to the pool. The only other people at the pool were OW, OBS and OW's new boyfriend. Prompting OBS (they're divorced) to message me as he was triggered by husband's presence and wanted to be sure that husband HAD indeed messaged me as is our plan. I received OBS's text and messaged FWH - WTAF....you didn't tell me she was there. He called me just as the message went through - like to the minute/second, prompting another delve into the trust but verify mode. OBS is doing great, btw. Much happier now. The whole thing is comical if I think about it....but still. Weird random coincidences. And, YES....what a freaking small community.
Then, ran into again OW Sunday....or thought I did. Again, husband didn't say that he saw her....says it wasn't her. Super defensive on his part. He had his new, male training partner confirm that it wasn't her.....but I don't know if I actually believe that.
While also hosting a dear friend who was the only couple to have survived infidelity that I know of personally. They have been instrumental in our recovery. Friend let us know that he had just filed for divorce.
And, I was doing so well. I have become a paranoid mess.
6 comments posted: Tuesday, March 22nd, 2022
Do you know anyone......
Do you know of any longer term couple that ISN'T tested by infidelity at some point? Just curious. After going through this......I'm shocked at how common it is. It's awful....and common.
17 comments posted: Monday, February 14th, 2022
Ugh....ran into OW again today
It's getting easier. We're nearly 3 years out and our marriage is better than it ever was - not that it was particularly bad. FWH has moved mountains for us...and me too. Neither of us is perfect, but we're imperfectly trying hard for each other. I'm good with that. Counselor fired us and said ya'll are good. Triggers are down to maybe once a month or every other month. I'm no longer wanting to shout to the mountaintops of how evil OW is. I'm sure she'll f-up whatever new relationships come her way all on her own without any help from me. But, it is affair season....and celebrating the good things we now have together takes a lot sometimes. FWH and I have made some incredible new memories in recovery. We have SO many better skills. I can honestly say that I am grateful for our marriage now, but certainly not the enormous pain that brought us here. I'm grateful that we've both tried so hard and can reap the benefits of that.
I know this is petty.....but I ran into her again today. Unfortunately, this usually happens at the gym locker room. Usually while, one or the other of us is undressed or otherwise vulnerable. I'm not giving her the satisfaction of changing gyms or sports. I did nothing wrong. It IS getting easier when these things happen to remember that I won. She wasn't all that enough to break up our marriage. She wasn't all that enough to keep her own marriage. Or a few of the recent boy toys I know that she's dated. It is just that when we do run into each other....she looks at me like I'M the one who pissed in her cornflakes and not the other way around. There is a part of me that wishes she would find it a little more obviously uncomfortable or embarrassing to run into me. What I get is angry stares. I KNOW that shouldn't bother me, but a little contrition seems appropriate. I know my brain is trying to still keep me safe....but she has too much rent free space in my head. I want benign indifference....to rise above all this.....when does that magically happen?
Are there any recovered FW's out there who were part of a double betrayal? It might help me to hear what might be going through the mind of someone who has been there. PM me if you don't want to make that public. I just wish I could understand why she seems mad at me. I don't care that she might be....that's her problem. Never having been a wayward, I just want to understand why I could possibly be her villain after all this time...or maybe, likely, I'm overthinking this as I imagine most BS's do.
6 comments posted: Wednesday, December 8th, 2021