Newest Member: rmf2rmv


Three years since DdayNever gonna be the sameReconcilingThe sting is still present

This site is confusing from my iPhone help please

I read and participate using my iPhone.

Can I stay logged in?

When I change the skin it doesn’t stay saved——how do skins work?

1 comment posted: Sunday, February 5th, 2023

Going from being unaware and innocent to believing anything is possible. Sigh

Has this happened to you since you discovered the affair?

I went from being oblivious to my WH cheating or even thinking it was possible to believing he could be cheating in the most ridiculous scenarios.

For example:
I’m traveling with him on a business trip. He’s really busy but I am still checking his location which is in the same hotel I’m in but now I’m thinking he could be meeting people in their rooms to have sex or that he could very well have the AP in a hotel room somewhere so I’m
Constantly video chatting.

Being betrayed is a mindf*#k

14 comments posted: Friday, February 3rd, 2023

Considering emdr. Can you share your experience?

Please share your experience with EMDR.

5 comments posted: Thursday, February 2nd, 2023

Will I ever be free?

I live with a feeling that something is being hidden from me all the time.

I always triple check and try to catch my fwh in a lie…. I haven’t caught him.

But I live like I will and I just want to catch it before I’m blindsided.

All the lying….all the steps taken by both parties to lie to me…..I’m just so doubtful and untrusting. I don’t think I could trust someone new either. It’s been 3 years now and none of my surveillance has found anything. Still I live waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I hate it here.

Will I ever be free?

10 comments posted: Tuesday, January 31st, 2023

I really need Advice.

Before my WS and I were married I had a few amazing experiences with other men that my WS was around for. We’ve know each other since I was 19.

Anyway, I dated an actor a few times over a summer. And I went on a few dates with an entertainer who I went to see a few times. (He sent for me)

I LOVE this singer’s music- we slept together a few times.

My WS doesn’t like him of course and I never play his music anymore.

Fast forward and my husband has an affair.

This performer is coming to town and I want to
Go to the concert. Before WS’s affair I would have just not even considered it.

I want to go and I feel that FWH should have nothing to say but part of his mindset during the affair was that he was insecure about me and my looks and attention I’ve always gotten from the opposite sex.

I wouldn’t sit close where he could see me (I doubt he’d even remember) and I would promise not to go back stage.

I’m curious how you think this would impact reconciliation.

13 comments posted: Monday, January 30th, 2023

I wish you lived near me.

I am so grateful for you all here.
It’s so lonely not being able to talk about the affair with people who have been through this.

You all comment and I feel visible.

I wish you all lived down the street from me so we could meet and share our stories together and support each other.

Do you all appreciate and cherish this place as much as I do?

I hope to be helpful to others one day too. THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!

I especially appreciate the WS who answer questions 🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾

4 comments posted: Monday, January 30th, 2023

So TV triggers strike again. Who knew the Walking Dead is a perfect Depiction of Betrayal Trauma??

So we just started The Walking Dead which is crazy because I HATE suspense and I HATE GORE but EVERY FREAKIN’ show has an infidelity trigger!

So Walking Dead seemed perfect.


So you’re going through life you wake up one day and you realize you were asleep while your world as you knew it was crumbling. ( sound familiar) DDay1

You try to gather what you can to protect yourself and find your family hoping they are intact.

Each zombie is a trigger and each time you feel safe there is a swarm coming……

When you try to find normalcy you realize that the new people you thought were safe were plotting and keeping secrets behind your back DDay2

We you get to Terminus they are plotting to devour you and everyone you love.

You keep fighting trying to find shelter in the new trauma bond you have formed.

You find a church and you find the spiritual guide let all his people drown and die in the trauma they experienced.

Now I’m at season 5 and they are in a new place that seems safe- seems livable. But how can it be when there are walkers beyond the gate tgat can sneak in at anytime?

If you let your guard down and relax in the seemingly safe place you’ll get weak and lose your edge and fighting skills… could die if you don’t keep your antennas up….but who can live like that constantly waiting for the next surprise attack around the corner.

I’m walking around weapons ready trying to watch my son and daughter live and thrive while I’m on guard trying to protect them.

Thanks Walkjng Dead- this is the biggest trigger and most realistic depiction of a BS’s life.

3 comments posted: Sunday, January 22nd, 2023

Release or hold it in?

For those BS and FWS I have a dilemma-

We are reconciling. My husband is doing the work. The real hard work. Ie because AP works one street over from him, I told him I would not feel comfortable with him leaving the office at all for lunch. So it’s been almost a year and he doesn’t. If he feels the need for lunch he calls me and I come down. He also sends me itinerary and makes all work trips day trips or he brings me with.

However whenever I’m triggered I want to tell him exactly what I know and how hurtful what he did was. For example,

On our anniversary a few months before discovery in the morning I had Alexa play a list of songs for him with the main one being a pop song by Rihanna that says I’m the only girl
In the world. Cute song ——

Well I now know that he was having the affair when I dedicated that song to him and I also know he CALLED the AP to say hello on his dog walk.

So the song comes on and it makes me sick to my stomach that he listened to me make a fool of myself. It meant nothing to him.

There are love songs that used to remind me of my love for him but since the affair I feel disgusted by them.

BS how do you handle these triggers even when the WS is working hard you want them to know how awful what they did was and dirty and deceptive and evil it was. Do you release it or hold it on?

WS what does it do to you when your spouse triggers and want to share it to you?

When I ask my husband- "Do you know how horrible you were and how hurtful the things you did were!" He says yes and that is why he’s working so hard to make me know he is safe and it will never happen again.

13 comments posted: Friday, January 20th, 2023

Do you joke, tease, and have any laughter about the AP or affair?

I know this is probably weird as heck but my husband and I have always used our humor and sarcasm during difficult times to ease pain.

I want to use it a bit now while we’re reconciling but there is still a quite a bit of pain left.

Here’s how I put sarcasm into a recent situation - my humor tried to enter….

My husband was cleaning and sweeping and he swept up something so dusty we couldn’t make out what it was- he said "what does this eff’d up POS look like?"

I responded with his AP’s name.

We both laughed but the fact that he’s embarrassed and ashamed could be seen on his face.

Do you all joke?

40 comments posted: Thursday, January 12th, 2023

How did you evict the AP from your brain?


Not a day goes by when she isn’t.

You all always advise us to stop allowing the AP to live rent free in your brain but how did you evict them?

14 comments posted: Tuesday, January 10th, 2023

This may Trigger other BS. Warning

The holidays are full of triggers for me which is why I have been posting so much. I google search so many things to try to feel "safe" trusting my husband again.

Unfortunately I came upon a website that supports the OW. When I started reading it I burst out into tears.

So many of those women are waiting on the side for YEARS! They go further underground willingly many times with the wife believing they are in NC!😫😫😫😫

They are of the mindset that in order to keep their Married men they have to be quiet and deny and not make problems!!!

How am I ever supposed to feel secure with women like these who are willfully going further underground and happily still seeing married men who tell them they will never leave their wives?!?! They do one times re surface years later!!

Please someone help me not bug my husband and have him under surveillance.

12 comments posted: Wednesday, January 4th, 2023

Something that I don’t understand about Wayward triggers and how a BS deals with them

I keep reading replies where they refer to "triggers" on both sides. What does a WS trigger about and why should a BS care? I know darned well that I need to care but really why should I care if my FWH triggers?!

What kinds of triggers are you talking about?

3 comments posted: Tuesday, January 3rd, 2023

Help please- Business Travel dilemma

So since deciding to reconcile in 2020 we have not spent a night alone. He is doing the work 100%. He is doing so well with his focus on us and other areas of his life that he was given a huge promotion. Increased business travel. 😫

So his last 2 trips I was with him. This trip is a fly out on the 5th leave early morning on the 7th. He sends me the schedule but lets me know he arranged to leave out on the 6th instead because he knows how I’d feel.

I want to attend even though we’ll be on another business trip in February. Really- it doesn’t make sense to do it but a part of me doesn’t want him to be able to talk on the phone with her or to fly her up. Even though I don’t believe there is any communication at all travel triggers fear.

I think in my heart if I allowed him to go without me it would make him feel better and honestly my brain thinks it would be better to not hover and police him. But I’m just so afraid.

How did resuming travel and a longer rope impact your recovery/reconciliation?

6 comments posted: Wednesday, November 30th, 2022

Questions after reading Beyond Remorse and Regret post

I am a BS and very concerned about my FWH. As I read the Remorse post I realized there were similarities.

My FWH has so much remorse that he puts me first all the time and it’s stifling and kind of scary because I think his affair may have had an aspect of " I’m doing something just for me to be selfish".

He doesn’t go outside for lunch when he’s at work because that’s when he would see AP who works a block away. This is at my request. He reduced work dinners and I now travel with him when he needs to travel for work. Also my request which he says he enjoys.

He’s being very transparent but it doesn’t build trust in me for him. I WILL NEVER fully trust him again and I’ll forever double check anything he tells me and verify every thing he says.

He seems to like to keep proving how dedicated he is now and how he is determined to make up for all the damage he caused…. But to me I feel Insecure because it seems like a formula for building up resentment.

It’s a constant conflict in my heart because I want him to feel like he can be enough for me and make me happy again - I never realized how much he felt insecure about me and our relationship. He had been intimidated by former relationships I had with other men.

I don’t want him to stop trying to make up to me for all the horrible things he did BUT I ALSO don’t want the pressure of always seeming like this pain can subside by fulfilling tasks and putting me first in his mind. Does it make sense?

By him being the doting husband who is devoted and all about me and our future - I like it and it is sincere but I feel like he thinks I’m going to be filled up and repaired by his actions. It’s hard for me to tell him that YES what you did destroyed BUT your actions alone can’t heal me. I’m not in a transactional relationship with you. I AM STILL unhappy and no amount of changed behavior or present day loyalty and devotion is filling the chasm left by the betrayal……at least not yet.

How can I keep encouraging him yet make him stop thinking he can repair my heart by doing what he’s doing?

I try to tell him that I’m working on healing myself and besides loyalty he can’t just do everything right and I’ll be healed instantly.

I told him to stop treating me like I’m the AP who you could by a trinket and make it up to me!

3 comments posted: Saturday, November 19th, 2022

Tis the season to be triggered fa La La La La …

How do you handle tough seasons?

This season I tough for me because I found phone records when I didn’t know he was having an affair where he spent hours on the phone with her when he was away at work on 11/16. He came home and took the next day off to be with me. We fought and argued and he seemed unsatisfied with me and acted strangely. I couldn’t understand it. In retrospect I realize he was probably deciding to end it with her but was looking to me to provide those same kind of limerance sparks but couldn’t feel them and turned on me.

He didn’t call her for until Thanksgiving about 10 days later but lied to me about seeing friends who were in town for the holiday. The friend was just a lie so that he could give her Thanksgiving eve and day. 😡 she didn’t want to spend another holiday alone and this is what he gave her.

Whenever I’m reminded of the lies he told to me to keep her happy tge more I hate him. Yes he was trying to end it…..but he didn’t. I found out in December 11. He ended it then and went back in January and she ended it February because he told her he’d never leave me and that he loved me……

It’s so hurtful. I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this time of year.

How do you handle your "triggery season?"

14 comments posted: Friday, November 18th, 2022

When the side chick seems to be winning in media.

These last few months I’ve been triggered by stuff in media. The Queen’s death and the Royal Side Chick Camilla possibly being named Wueen.The coach of the Boston Celtics cheating on his beautiful wife at the job getting suspended because of it is probably going to lose his job….. his face and his wife’s face is all over the news but somehow the side chick was anonymous for weeks.

Is anyone else triggered by these events? Does it bring up stuff for you and make you go down a rabbit whole of what we’re you thinking with your WS?

4 comments posted: Sunday, October 9th, 2022

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