"But she has admitted she can't find the right feelings for me..... YET"
I should have added that key word. She desperately wants to. She doesn't understand why they are not there. She hopes (as do I) that over time they will return.
To be absolutely clear, I am not saying everything is fixed! But I can see a chance now.
The best thing you can do is allow your wife experience what life is like without you as her husband appliance. It’s the only way to kick her— and yourself— off the fence.
When she came up with the house idea, I said in no uncertain terms, if that is what you need, go for it. But I can't imagine that I will be able to come back from the damage that will do to the kids. We were all set to do it, I was ready to move on. It feels to me that the finality of that hit her hard. So I think we are hopefully on the path to recovery without having to do the separation bit. Is there any point in disrupting the kids lives for the sake of it if the desired result is already there?
You have been paralyzed by fear by what separation would entail. Maybe this will demystify the process and you will realize that you can live without her.
I don't think so. To the contrary, I think my willingness to go with the separation has made all the difference.
If you think that staying married to a woman who doesn’t desire or respect you is in the best interest of your kids, that’s certainly an option. You won’t be the first person to make that decision and I won’t fault you if you do… as long as you are able to accept that reality and live with it.
I can live with it for now.... I can't accept it forever. But I am willing to give it time. The alternative for me is the end, and I have more fight in me than that.
Her OM wasn’t available; maybe the next guy will be.
I certainly see why you would think that this could happen, but I truly don't think so.
It really sounds like she's calling all the shots here. What do you want and on what terms? Are you genuinely prepared to lose the marriage to have a chance at saving it?
I was, yes. And as I just mentioned, I think it was the fact that I was ready to go for it that has freaked her out. Especially since I was the one saying I don't think I will come back from this whereas she thought it would be a separation that would help things.
Yes, the children should always be top priority, but is that what they are really getting from you? This family dynamic is what they should model themselves after as they grow?
Honestly, the family dynamic (other than a few fights as we approached rock bottom) is very, very good. I don't know how else to put it. I know that kids pick up on things but we (I think) have done a pretty good job at keeping this between us. Now that we are hopefully on the way back up I think it will show them that relationships can go through a rough patch (hopefully for their sake never this rough) and come out the other side.
In your shoes, if it was at all financially tenable, I’d be honest with her. I’d say, "it’s my hope that our marriage will work, but I won’t allow myself to continue in a situation with someone who is ambivalent about how they feel about me." And then Id rent the apartment.
Yeah, that does make sense. But my brain was so far down the path of "This is so fucked up, if she is willing to blow the kids lives up as well then I am done" that I wanted her to make that call. I really think there wouldn't be a way back. So the fact that she has had the snap in her brain without even doing it (I anticipated 2 weeks of using it, and 2 weeks too late) can only be a good sign right?
You both agree you have a better chance at "R" if you don’t rent the house. But what does this "R" look like? Especially to your WW? If you stay in the same house it will help alleviate her shame and guilt for tearing up the kids lives due to her selfish choices. But what next? If you stay together is she going to be actively working to retake her passion for you? Or does it mean maintaining the status quo living together as roommates being civil in a sexless and passionless M? How is this "R" going to work. Notice I have not even mentioned the work she should be doing to be a trusted partner worthy of you. And make no mistake, some people do live in such marriages. You get to decide. I hope you decide to value yourself. Good luck.
Well I hope (and need) it to be that feelings come back. And I am starting to see signs of that. It certainly won't happen overnight though... she is very introspective now, grabbing me randomly and talking through how fucked up she has been. I can only report the positive signs I am seeing. Until recently this hasn't been the case.
So there is no more "you agreed to do this" from her? She is owning that this is her mistake alone? She wants to feel love for you but can’t muster up those feelings, is that where she is now?
All correct, but I am seeing signs by the day that she is starting to come out of the fog. She said again this morning how fucked in the head she was, and that POSOM could have been anyone, it was her mindset and lack of self esteem that resulted in the situation. She seems to be owning it. I have my radar on though, don't worry.
You could write a list of things she can do to show you love and discuss it. Obviously sex should be on that list with many other actions. You cannot do this on her terms. It will not work. You have got to create terms of your own. This is just an idea what have you got to lose at this point. I don’t expect many others to agree with this however.
I haven't written a list as such, but this is a good idea. I have spoken to her about some of the ways that I feel her lack of showing me love has been noticeable, and she acknowledges that. As things progress and we talk things through more this was definitely something that I was going to work on with her though.
Let me be straight with you. I feel the "staying for the kids" maybe just part of the reasons for you unable to take up for yourself in this Marriage. I get the feeling there is at least one more reason. If you could be honest with that we might be able to talk you through that. Let me just end with saying it is very frustrating dealing with you. Why is that? Because I want you to be happy and you seem to stumble over yourself at every turn. I hope this helps you.
More than happy for you to ask these things as you've been such a support. I mentioned ages ago the fact that I live 12000 miles from my family. I am sure this is part of me having a higher tolerance to putting up with bullshit. This isn't just my marriage, it is my entire world. And I also make no apology for holding the needs of my kids above my own. Everyone has their limit, and I am sure I have mine, but I haven't reached it yet. Doesn't mean it won't happen! Does that help?
I know we haven't seen eye to eye in the past. I was sorry to read about your situation, was going to post but wasn't sure if you would want to hear from me. In any case you have my support.
You seem to use the kids as an excuse, a lot, when talking about what you want,don't want,etc. It's ok to say you don't want her to move out,because YOU are scared that she will contact the boyfriend and start things back up...or you're scared that if she moves out,she won't move back in.
Yeah, kids first, me second. But as I just said, if my limit is reached, then I will be done. Don't know where that limit is, but don't think I am wallowing away. I feel the strongest I ever have, both physically and mentally. And on the second bit, not scared about her contacting him (not an ex-boyfriend, a fling from years ago, if that makes a difference). And if she moves out, I don't want her to move back in. I am ready for that. She is the broken one, and she is working on fixing that. But I am willing to give things a chance first.
I hope you have a timeframe in mind of how long you will give her to get out of this fog. You are real and not a fantasy. She seems to think she needs to be daydreaming about you all day like some 18th century novel. For the sake of your kids you are being the grown up in the room. Just make sure she knows she can’t be a toddler forever.
I think I mentioned earlier it was pretty much 6 months to the day of heading down to rock bottom (deposit paid), and now 2 weeks on the way up. I think 6 months seems realistic (so basically to new year) to see where we end up. If we are not where we want to be, then I am ready to end things. This isn't just words on a forum, I do mean it.
You are lucky this AP decided to hold on to his marriage , I doubt because of moral or ethical reasons. Have you thought about what happens when she meets the next person she finds a connection with that won’t have issues getting together with her?
I really, genuinely don't think this situation will come up again. It was the perfect storm of bullshit. Either we will work things out or we won't. Either way she is seeing more and more by the day what this actually was. For those that have reconciled, what was the trigger for you realising that this was true for your WS?
Second verse, same as the first!
I am sorry this has happened to you. You dont deserve this, but you got to let go at some point and move on. You should just let go of her. Accept the reality and find peace with it. This situation sucks but it is what it is. Find a way for healthy Co-parenting for your children sake. The renting house thing is a good idea. Go with it.
In the gap of almost 2 months between posting, a lot happened and I was ready, and accepting of that reality. That is why I think we have both hit the turning point. It has hit her that I was willing to let it go, and has hit her that she was willing to destroy her whole family unit over what was a complete mess and fantasy. I can't stress enough it is early days and I am not getting carried away though.
Give’m hell, Ozzy wink
In all seriousness, I truly believe everyone here wants good for everyone in the community, it just sounds different for different folks. I truly wish you well in your journey.
Yeah I know everyone has everyone's future at heart. Spending time reading other people's stories it strikes me how different everyone is and how different their situations must be, even if they sometimes read similarly.
Hope you enjoy your break from media (so hopefully won't even read this!)
As someone who also used the I'm done if you move out ultimatum, that only delays the inevitable. If the WS doesn't have a clear desire to fight for the M on their own, they are not a candidate for R. From what you say, she wants to keep up the appearance of a happy family. Why wouldn't she? Personally, I'd let her go and move forward to D. That would have saved me additional months of pain where I found I was the only one putting everything into making the M work.
Totally get where you are coming from. I told her that if we cancel the house it isn't about safety, the boys, happy families. It has to be because you want us to work out and be better than we were before. She gets it and wants that.
TLDR: I think we are going to cancel the house and make a go of it. Give it 6 months, see how we both feel, see how much her therapy has helped her (I don't feel the need right now as feeling strong but might do some more therapy myself if need be).
If things are not how they should be after that then I cannot hold my head higher that I have done everything I can to keep my family together (because I want to, not because anyone else has pressured me to) and can then move on with the next phase of my life.
Let me know if any of this doesn't make sense, or if I am doing anything glaringly wrong based on this essay.