It’s time for another edition of “Ask the Staff”
Some recent posts have made me realize that there may be some misconceptions regarding the mission and how the site is moderated from day to day.
Every now and then we open up a thread for members to "ask the staff" questions in order to understand our position or how the site operates in general.
I thought I might start this edition with speaking about our staff and how staff decisions are made.
First and foremost, staff were and are always members first. Each one of us is here as a result of infidelity. Each of us have our own unique story. The staff is a combination of BH, BW, MH, and WS. Some of us have reconciled while others have divorced. At times, staff members have also still very much been working through their journey. Each one of us can bring a unique perspective.
In addition to our status here, like all members here, we have families and jobs. Whatever time we spend here is strictly volunteered.
You may notice that not all staff members are online at all times. When we see an issue, we alert it to a private forum. We will then discuss it as a team. This discussion may take a day or two given the fact that we will be on at different times of the day. We do not make decisions unilaterally. We go by a majority vote. A moderator that pm’s you or flags the thread may not be the one that alerted it in the first place. Pm’s or flags regarding guidelines are not a personal attack in any way.
There is quite a lot that goes on in the background. When new members come in, they may not have an understanding of how it works. As always, the best (and fastest) way to get our attention regarding any issues occurring on the boards is through PM.
That being said, we want to open the thread to answer questions that you may have (within reason, of course ).
66 comments posted: Tuesday, April 5th, 2022
Saddened to announce another veteran loss
Pippin reached out to us to inform us and the SI community that another SI veteran has passed. Here is part of her message to us.
Maia passed away in her sleep on Thursday morning. She was in her early 50s and it was unexpected. I know she would welcome prayers of support for her husband, and her children, grandchildren, mother and sister, all of whom are struggling in different and profound ways. If people would like to leave supportive messages for her husband, I will collect them and send them later, at a time it might be helpful to him
I want to thank Pippin for reaching out to us. I have posted this in the Wayward Forum as this was her "home". Maia has been a member here since 2005. She has touched the lives of many struggling members that have followed in her footsteps. She was always kind and compassionate in her posts. I imagine she must have been similar IRL.
She will be missed.
27 comments posted: Sunday, February 20th, 2022
Lack of Couples as Members in R
I have been doing a lot of thinking lately regarding Reconciliation and my journey on this site. I have been here for well over a decade and have seen a lot of people come and go. The traffic patterns tend to ebb and flow. There is always the polarization of pro D vs. pro R. Those things are consistent. I have noticed, however, that the Reconciliation Forum has slowed and the Wayward Forum has almost come to a stop. I have to ask myself why.
I have gone to obvious answers such as Covid and a general change in tone globally. People are less patient, more angry making compassion a difficult thing to dole out, particularly with people that arrive with their head in their ass. So is it, are we driving them away in droves? Or is it something else?
The thought occurred to me when HT and I were having a discussion about it that the simple advice of not sharing this site could play a part.
HT found this site first. I am grateful to him that he shared it with me almost immediately. When I came here the amount of information was overwhelming, but it provided me a place to start to untangle the mess my life was in. I don’t know how many times I have said that I owe my marriage to SI. I know I can not count it on my fingers or toes anymore and it never stops being true. This site provided me the ability to see things through a lens that no book or therapist could provide me because the advice and support was coming from people that had experienced similar things that I was. This site, at the same time offered HT the same. We were both receiving the support we needed from our own perspectives from people who knew what we were feeling.
We were not alone. Multiple couples were part of the site. They would either heal or move on, but it was common for both to be members.
Every now and then there would be some drama as people would get invested in the story, read the BS side and pull information over to the Wayward to attempt to put their feet to the fire. Over the past few years that practice has become more and more popular. Unfortunately, it has led to thinking that this site should no longer be shared and this needs to be the safe place for the BS.
This site is unique because it should be safe for both the BS and the WS. It is unique in that it provides support for WS members to work towards being a healthy person/partner. It is also unique in the fact that no matter what road you take out of infidelity, there is a place for you be it General, Reconciliation, Wayward, or ICR. Not to mention, the site was created by a reconciling husband and wife.
There is so much frustration regarding waywards not getting it, yet people are told not to share the site with their wayward. I personally was one of those waywards. I needed this site. I have encountered many other couples throughout the years that also needed this site. I have witnessed many successful R’s because both were members here.
So I wonder, how do we get back to that? Why are we discouraging people who want to R to join?
127 comments posted: Saturday, November 13th, 2021
Texas G2G (no longer) is on!
It looks like there is enough interest to get our Texas G2G back on vaccinated style! I figure I will put this out early to give people some time to marinate the idea.
With the exception of last year, this has been an annual events for several years. For those unfamiliar with our G2G’s, it is a 3 day event. We have a meet and greet at our home on Friday evening with a lot of food, drinks, and laughter. Saturday we will go on some sort of excursion. In the past we have done the fair, a party boat, a train ride, and the botanical gardens. On Sunday we have a large brunch before everyone heads out their separate ways. It’s an amazing time. Being in a group of people that understand you like no one else is priceless. HT and I have made some amazing friends along the way through these G2G’s. I encourage you to try one if you have never been to one.
We are looking at the weekend of October 22nd through the 24th.
We are huge Halloween fans and have the house decorated to the nines!
The location is North Texas. DFW airport for those interested in flying in. I will give hotel info via pm at a later time. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask.
We are fully vaccinated here.
I am looking forward to seeing many of my old friends and hope we can make some new ones too.
[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:25 AM, June 5th (Saturday)]
29 comments posted: Sunday, May 30th, 2021
Still learning perspective
The tendrils of infidelity can sometimes seem never ending.
I often tell people when they arrive that they have no idea how much infidelity will impact their lives. There is no way of understanding how easily it creeps into every aspect of your life. It is never about just you or your spouse. It can touch everything and I am still learning and experiencing that more than 10 years later.
This isn’t about me directly, but I have been affected by it because this is about my boss. Someone I have worked with for a very long time. Someone that I have cared about and respected.
It became obvious last year that something was going on. She had stopped working in her office and was only in our building maybe 4-6 hours any given day. She always left by 2:30 and most days didn’t come in until 10. Communication has never been her strong point but it was becoming worse and worse over the latter part of the year (2019). Earlier this year she announced that she could no longer work in our building. She would continue to be our supervisor but she would do it remotely.
Well, when you are a hammer everything looks like a nail. I knew from that moment she had had an affair. Turns out it was someone else in our building. Word gets out and then the drama. To try to save her face she accused him of sexual harassment. Now of course, this has to go higher up the chain. She eventually transferred to another building and he has also changed positions.
I am in healthcare and as a team we have to communicate well with each other regarding coordination times with patients and information (HIPAA approved). When she transferred out, it was necessary to remove her from the app we use. Unfortunately no one gave her a heads up when it was done so her last communication to us as a team was her lashing out at us via text. We had planned a last hurrah g2g and she told us “don’t bother”.
She has recently taken a new position with a new company and asked if I wanted to be part of her team. I gave it a lot of thought but honestly it makes me nervous to put my career in the hands of someone that is willing to throw a person under the bus to save face (ie her AP, who is an asshole but never deserved a sexual harassment label that could end his career). It makes me nervous and when I expressed some hesitation, her first question was “is it me?”. It makes me really nervous that when I expressed that it was in part, instead of getting understanding I got anger.
Had she come to me and said “look, I know I let you guys down as a team this last year. I know I was distracted and my choices affected each of you. I want you to know that I am working on myself. I want you on my team and I want to show you that I am doing better” I wouldn’t even be writing this post. Unfortunately what I got in return was defensiveness and anger.
I am hoping that one day she will be able to look back and see that her actions had an impact on entire team of people. Every time she wasn’t there because she was with the OM, us managing ourselves because she was distracted. Taking advantage of friendships and then throwing a grenade at it when confronted with her behavior. And tearing an amazing team apart all because of her crappy decisions.
I have chosen not to leave with her but I know of at least one team member that will. She will not take responsibility for that. When I confronted her, the last thing she told me was that I was not in her life.
Long story, even longer this whole thing has led me to do some introspection. I have been able to own that I wasn’t a good employee, friend, mother, and wife during my affair. Now that I am on the outside looking in, I have an even better perspective on that. I see what the distraction and the defensiveness looks like. I can see how those tendrils of infidelity weave through every part of life and how big of a circle of people they entrap.
I am also a bit proud of myself. I can see how I’ve grown through this experience. I was willing to lose the friendship for the right reasons. I stayed true to who I am and didn’t let the “people pleaser” in me make compromises that could potentially be unhealthy for me. I also give a lot of credit to HT for being an amazing sounding board through this. I trust in myself to make good decisions and I love HT and I together as a team.
I did share this site with her, however I am not sure she is ready. I do wish her well. I have a pretty great new boss. It’s so crazy to see the contrast of someone focused on the job and someone who isn’t.
When we are knee deep in our own crap it is so hard to see what a piss poor job we are doing. When someone tries to tell us all we can do is yell back and say look at all this crap! It’s all over me! Someday, when you get out of the crap you realize how much you flung on others to get it off of you.
24 comments posted: Saturday, November 14th, 2020
6th Annual Dallas Fort Worth G2G?
For the past 5 years now, HT and I have thrown a G2G her in North Texas in October. It’s a great time. We have done things like the County Fair, a party boat, and Escape Room. G2G’s are an amazing experience. There is nothing quite like meeting people that have a unique understanding of your experiences. It’s cathartic and you have the opportunity to make some new life long friends.
Soooo, I’m looking to see who is interested this year.
Here’s what we have in store.
When: October 11th-13th.
What: Friday meet and greet at our house.
Lots of great food and drinks. October is also pretty
special to us as we have our home decorated to the
nines for Halloween!
Saturday we will work out details as I figure out how
many people we are looking at. Usually a group activity
then dinner and drinks out for the night.
Sunday brunch before everyone goes their separate
We have had some come from as close as 30 minutes away to as far as Canada! We have a hotel close by and as time approaches I will give out details.
We would love to see some of our old friends and look forward to meeting some new ones.
So who is in?
WOES and HT
maise and ChanceAtLife35
BraveSirRobin and Timespiral
Thinking hard about it:
BR and WH5
[This message edited by SI Staff at 2:24 PM, August 31st (Saturday)]
55 comments posted: Sunday, July 28th, 2019
5th annual Dallas/Fort Worth g2g
I know this seems early, but I wanted to make sure that you guys knew we would definitely be hosting it again this year. I wanted to make sure that those of you planning to come had plenty of opportunity to plan for it.
I can’t believe that this is our 5th year hosting.
When: October 12th-14th (changed from 19-21st)
Where: Dallas/Fort Worth area
We typically do a meet and greet at our home the first night. Our plans for Saturday will include some picnicking in a really beautiful area, some sight seeing and then later some dinner and drinks. Then Sunday morning brunch, of course.
For those interested that haven’t been to a g2g, let me tell you that they are a blast. Since we hold ours in October, our house is quite festive for Halloween. Each year we add something new to our display.
The weather is usually pretty pleasant here in October.
Let me know if you are interested or have any questions. I feel like it’s been much too long since I’ve seen so many of my SI friends. I miss you all and look forward to seeing you again soon. I also look forward to making some new friends.
Maybe a maybe:
[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:38 PM, September 8th (Saturday)]
46 comments posted: Saturday, July 7th, 2018
Happy Birthday Trying2Survive1!!!!!!!!!!
3 comments posted: Saturday, May 19th, 2018
Happy Birthday Lionne!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Filling in for BrokenRoad )
5 comments posted: Friday, May 18th, 2018
Virtual Christmas Card Exchange
It's November. For those of you that have been here for awhile and frequent Fun and Games, may be wondering about the annual Christmas Card Exchange.
I have to say with a very heavy heart that the Card Exchange is not going to happen this year. As we close in on the anniversary of our dear friend, Deeply Scared's passing, it was too much for MangledHeart to take on.
The Christmas Card Exchange was very special to Deeply Scared. Christmas was her favorite holiday. The Card Exchange brought joy to so many people struggling through the holidays. It is the Card Exchange that helped me get the nerve to meet SI members in person and allowed me to call Deeply Scared my friend. I have been so grateful that this tradition existed.
For those of you that are new, Deeply Scared organized an exchange of cards that would get mailed to their headquarters. The cards would then be sorted and labeled by "elves". Deeply Scared would mail them out and days later dozens of glitter-filled Christmas cards would arrive in your mail box.
It is magical!
I am a sucker for tradition. This particular tradition is one that I hold near and dear to my heart. I want to carry it on this year virtually. I hope that others will join me in sending some virtual holiday cheer. Just knowing that others are there and care can help so many of our members through this difficult season.
I miss Deeply Scared with all of my heart. I will do what is necessary to pick up the Exchange next year. I want to give a special shout out to our regular elves that have put much love and effort to making this happen each year.
MangledHeart (huge hugs), Inconnu, TrustedHer, lieshurt, MadeofScars, HoldingTogether. I know you all are missing this as much as I am. There have been other members that have traveled to have the honor of elf throughout the years. I thank you all too! A round of shots feels appropriate.
With much love to my SI family. Happy Holidays!
67 comments posted: Saturday, November 11th, 2017
North Texas g2g - Photos start on Pg 4
It's that time folks!
Starting to think about hosting our 4th annual (although I know North Texas has had plenty of g2gs prior) DFW g2g!
This year we are going back to the State Fair!
When: October 20th-22 2017
Where: North Texas/DFW
Friday: Meet and greet at our house. HT will be smoking up some delicious meats again with all the fixings.
Saturday: State Fair/ Dinner and drinks
We have had a lot of fun in the past. Looking forward to seeing some familiar faces and hopefully meeting some new ones too.
For those that are new to this one, we love Halloween and we go all out. Our home is very festive for this g2g.
WOES and HT
WH5 and BrokenRoad
Tred and Sand
[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:25 PM, September 14th (Thursday)]
75 comments posted: Wednesday, July 12th, 2017
Dallas/Fort Worth g2g in October
It's time to start planning the annual DFW G2G!
HT and I are happy to host again. We are looking at October 7-9th.
Friday- Meet and greet at our house. We will have plenty of food and beverages and great company!
Saturday-Open for suggestions.
1. State Fair
2. Escape Room (groups get together to figure out
clues to escape a room).
3. Party Boat (only if there is a big turn out). This
was tons of fun last year!
4. Train ride from Grapevine to downtown Fort
Worth. Stockyards, dining, shopping,
Saturday Night- food and drinks out
Sunday-brunch and coffee
Let me know who is interested and thoughts about an activity Saturday.
DS and MH
For those that haven't been here in October, the weather is usually ideal and HT and I are pretty festive with Halloween. We always have a great time! Here's a sneak peak!
[This message edited by WalkinOnEggshelz at 5:22 PM, September 22nd (Thursday)]
88 comments posted: Saturday, July 30th, 2016
Dallas/Fort Worth October G2G - pics start on pg 5
Alright guys! It's time to start talking about the Texas October G2G. Last year we did the State Fair. A few of us locals we're having some drinks recently and we started throwing out some ideas. I wanted to get some opinions before putting anything in stone. We are looking at the same weekend as last year. October 16-18th.
1. We can return to the State Fair
Good food, beer, entertainment
2. With all the rain, the lakes are gonna be full! We can rent a
a party barge and grill out on the lake.
3. There is a train that runs from Grapevine to downtown Fort Worth. We could take it over, head downtown and hit some local food and bars there then take the train back.
Just a few different ideas. Of course the cost will be dependent on how many people come along. Always open to suggestions! We plan on doing a meet and greet at our place the first night.
Made of Scars
Tred and Sand Away
DS and MH
[This message edited by WalkinOnEggshelz at 6:37 PM, September 30th (Wednesday)]
117 comments posted: Saturday, May 30th, 2015