I almost replied last night and didn't know how to word it. I will just say it.
No-one is holding a gun to my head. Not telling (O)BS is my choice. I totally get all of the reasons given. I agree with pretty much all of them. But this is a public forum and there are a few more elements which I am not going to put here which make me, personally, not want to tell. That may seem like a cop out but that is the way it is.
@Sceadugenga (and others):
What we're dealing here with is at best a household, or a domestic legal unit. This is not a good place to be in.
It has only been a few weeks of being on the upslope for us since hitting rock bottom, but as a family unit, we seem very strong to me. What evidence do you need for me to convey that that is the case? Before all this bullshit I would have said that we were one of the stronger families I knew. Our session with the MC was to ignore our troubles for a moment and just discuss our history since we met. We have had a hell of a good time. I think we can get back to that, and are on our way already. When our kids come down to say goodnight and we are cuddling on the sofa I don't think they would say that this is at best a household. Help me out here.
@Hellfire: We clash. That is the way of public forums. You seem to be one of the few that (other than glaring differences of opinion) doesn't seem to think I am a fairly decent sort of a guy, so I don't let it get to me. I know your heart is in the right place so I bear no grudge at all, and you deserve the respect you have on here. I thought I had done a half decent job of showing empathy in the face of criticism, but we can all always do better, so advice taken on board.
I'm curious as to why you believe their relationship started as an affair? IF that is true, all it shows is that his wife,and your wife,have the same shitty coping mechanisms. And it also shows that he's cheated before, has now cheated with your wife,and will cheat again. It also says a lot about the remorse you felt he had.
This is stuff that my wife learned about him while "friends" with him. In her limerance she didn't see that these are not traits of a decent guy, and as she started to come out of the fog told me stuff about him, I guess to help her see it all for what it was. She knows he has already destroyed one family and came close to destroying ours. I don't believe a fucking word he says about remorse etc. There is more there that as I said I won't be listing on a public forum.
Thanks again for your thoughts. This post is to try and drive the whole conversation onto something else as you can see. This isn't about fear. This is a conscious decision, and as I said there are reasons why I, and I alone without any coercion, feel it is in the best interest not to tell. This very, very much includes thinking of the (O)BS. I don't know if people can read between the lines here or not (I know that is very cryptic) but that is the situation.
W and AP were together long, long before AP and (O)BS. I think I answered the other questions above.
It's interesting how people around the world think the same stupid things.
Eurgh tell me about it. If I did have a time machine, one of the first things I would do is go back and punch myself in the face.
@WalkinOnEggshelz: interesting food for thought. Don't have a response right now but will re-read this again over the next few days and contemplate.
@HellIsNotHalfFull: Thanks, I appreciate the insight. As I have alluded to above, I just hope that she doesn't ever find out. Not ideal, and I know it sucks.
@This0is0Fine: Thanks for elaborating. This is the kind of thing that I want to detail in my individual session with the MC. To ensure that this whole episode isn't just swept aside. Though I am confident it won't be, as she recommended books about healing from cheating after the first session rather than focussing on "I lost attraction for him".
I think, Ozzie, that a huge issue for you your entire life is standing up for yourself. At least that is what I have gotten from your threads. I mean, I happily see you settling for less than the bare minimum in your marriage.
Again, the power of reading on the internet. I know it sounds arrogant but this is so wrong it is hard to fathom anyone would think that. If I had a flaw it is that I am incredibly selfish! If on nights out or trips away I always force that I do the things that I want to do. Most people around me are indifferent and so go along with it.
Another comment about the bare minimum in a marriage. Could you please expand on this? As I said before all of this I would have put our marriage in the top 10% of people I know. Most people coast a little bit at our stage of life, but we were doing better than most (I thought...)
Are you saying that you would not care if your marriage was weird for a few months and then went back to normal that you would not want to know if it was an affair that caused it? Also -- do you think your marriage will ever get back to normal?
I think if the WS was able to deal with their demons and it was over, and they could live with the guilt, then it would possibly be easier for things to be more "normal" than with the knowledge of the A. I totally understand that my marriage will have to have a new normal now.
What is your thought process / feelings around telling the OBS in this particular scenario. Does OBS have more a right/need to know after POSOM contacts your WW and not now or is it more of a tool (make it seem like you are in control, keep them in line, ...) or some other reason?
Sorry need to be a bit cryptic again here. But as I said based on all of the information I have, I personally don't think it is a good idea to tell. BUT I also don't want to suffer anymore. I am confident that the A is over. If there is any contact at all, then I consider all bets to be off and what happens next is not for my conscience to deal with, it will purely due to POSOM. I know my wife won't contact, and I am also confident he won't.
I don't know if this will kick the (O)BS talk into the long grass or not. I would like it to, as I said at the beginning of what is turning into another long thread.