Thanks and understand completely. I did maths / stats at uni so my whole life is based on weighing up probabilities!
True remorse and respect for you would look very different. She wouldn’t need the push from you and MC to see what she has done. Has there been any self introspection and reflection into her selfish actions ? Has she felt even a tad bit of remorse about destroying another marriage ? What is she doing to make up for what she has done to you? She still went in to MC justifying the affair because you agreed to it . Where’s the respect and remorse?
Wording is important isn't it? I am realising more when communicating with strangers on a screen that subtle differences in wording can make a big difference. She has masses of remorse for what she has done to me. She isn't "justifying" the affair, the "agreement" was simply part of the lead up to it and she maintains that nothing physical would have happened without my "agreement". That is something we will never know, I know it would make her unique but our situation is our situation. It is possible that this was the case. It doesn't excuse what was clearly an EA at that point though.
As for whether you come across as weak, I will say that you do… because I was weak, too. Like you, I once treated and felt like my cheating spouse was the higher value partner in the relationship. He knew I was terrified of leaving him and that disadvantaged me; the balance of power was in his favor, which meant he didn’t have any incentive to put the work in.
I keep feeling like everyone is missing an important thing so I will say it again... we were about to separate! She could see I was OK with that and I had had enough of this bullshit. That was her turning point, seeing that she was about to lose me. I feel like on this advice I have followed it to a T. Am I missing something?
That has precipitated a massive change in her. It isn't a flick of a switch but there is very rapid progress in all areas. We laugh together, we cuddle together, yes we have been having sex again. She talks about her guilt, and apologises to me. She is open with the MC. I am still not quite understanding what is expected of her?
I’m curious to know what justification she gave him for why she was cheating on you
Do WS's ever give justification? They both knew it was wrong, they just wanted to because they were assholes. When she called him to enforce NC he (supposedly) totally agreed with how fucking stupid they had been, so there's that.
If there’s any relevance to OM’s history for Ozzy, it’s the fact that this guy boasted about how he blew up a marriage before… and Mrs Ozzy still invited him into hers.
He was never a prime candidate to fall in love with. And she knows now that it wasn't love, and that he was a dickwad who preyed on a lack of self confidence. So it was just meant to be an escape. It clearly didn't work out that way.
Ha, was actual live music. Was a good night!
But your wife knowing those details about AP and OBS is a bit strange. So she kept in touch with her 'ex' over the years, maybe you attended social activities together, then your "thing" happened and your wife suddenly turns to AP, was is because he was just there and an opportunity, an easy way?
No she didn't keep in touch with him over the years, it was out of the blue about 4 years ago that he got in contact. I have never met him or his wife. My wife has never met his wife. And yeah, he was there. She was never meant to fall for him. But she did.
As for the stuff about lying to him, she 100% lied to him about loads of stuff. Honesty with me (mostly), pure lies with him. That is part of what has helped her start to escape from the fog. She can see (more than before) how he isn't special, that their whole relationship is based on lies and bullshit.
In the words of Andy Dufresne, I find this whole situation decidedly inconvenient....
As requested, not commenting! On this bit though:
Ozzy..I don't know if you've said..but if your marriage has been so amazing..so much so that the MC said she's never seen a couple like the two of you before..then why did your wife need to escape into a relationship with another man? What were her reasons?
The standard bullshit. Unmet needs, wanting an escape after motherhood / job / life dragging her down. We will be discussing in detail the fact that I have been made a scapegoat in our MC (I had my individual session with her and I am very very impressed - my W and I are both confident that we are turning this ship around)
Thanks for your post, really appreciate it.
does show you much more respect, even during the affair, then most waywards do
This is actually a good point. I know it is comparing having horse shit or dog shit thrown in your face, but if you have to choose one, then the horse shit isn't quite as gross....