I try to answer your questions:
I don't know the full identity of the AP. I know he works for the same company, because at the motel he jumped into a company car for the same company my wife is working for. According to my wife (!), he works in a different department. That's all I know to be honest.
PI must be hired to get more details, but the question is, does it worth the time and effort? I know it would be the right step morally to inform the other party's wife. I'm not sure I want to save my marriage at this point.
Recent issues with HR (corruption charges):
I might be overthinking this, but there is a strange coincidence in the series of events: (1) affair was busted (2) AP got afraid of revealing the affair (3) wife got HR calls to her 'suspicious' activities that might lead termination of her employment. Maybe my wife is too dangerous and must be removed quickly? or is this just a conspiracy theory.. or is it just a fabrication of a liar, again. She wants me to feel empathy for her? not going to happen.
I was thinking on the possibility that my wife may be a hidden narcistic with sociopath traits. So hard to write this down. His father is also perceived to be a narcistic sociopath. (not diagnosed officially), but the actions he did in the past also showed no remorse, no emotions, always focus on his interests, self-entitled all the time, aggression.
She shows the same traits now: selfishness, frequently lied to me (and to he kids), deceived and gaslighted me, felt entitled to cheat, did not show any (!) empathy / remorse after the affair was revealed, only focused on the potential negative consequences for her, and she cannot take any level of criticism without going cold and silent. The low level of empathy I began to feel on her many years ago and that I always to had to walk on eggshells when talking to her, but I could not interpret it, because I still saw her as a beautiful entity, mother of my children.
But something has changed.. the mask has fallen? Why now?
BTW I decided to go to trauma expert and have 2 sessions weekly (from next week), because even now I cannot sleep, think straight and have issues with eating and have big emotional stress all the time. It got better a bit, but sometimes I fall back very hard.
I realized I needed a specialist to help me.
But, when I told my wife I might have PTSD and emotional trauma and I need to see an expert to help me, she did not show any emotions or empathy to me. (Remember, she said: 'Do so!' and returned to her laptop). I'm pretty sure she saw this only to be as logistic problem, because that would mean she has to come home way earlier from her job twice a week to pick up the kids from school and daycare (3 kids), and that makes her uncomfortable at her workplace... and that's it. She never mentioned she would hire a babysitter.. (= invest in his husband's healing). It does not matter that his husband suffered (because of her actions) a serious trauma, it seems to be just like a logistic problem for her.
Now she left the house to visit his brother for the Easter. She told me: You can come if you want.. I told her, this was not a real invitation for me now. I would be more comfortable with this: 'I'd like you to come.'. She got furious. Could not say that. Instead she said: 'I'd rather be alone now!' and she left with two children, because one of my daughters refused to leave daddy alone and stayed with me instead.
[This message edited by madmax76 at 7:33 AM, Friday, April 7th]