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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 11:59 AM on Monday, April 3rd, 2023

Wife. I love you and have always envisioned us spending our lives together. However, I have realized that there is something worse than losing you and that maybe I already lost you when you decided to have an affair. What is worse is SHARING you. At the very best that’s what you are offering me now – that I share you with OM. You might not be seeing him as-is, but your mind is still there.
I don’t share my wife.
I would prefer you not being my wife to sharing you.
Therefore, I am giving you full acceptance that you go be with OM. I don’t want to force you to remain married to me, nor do I want to be married if you aren’t committed to US.
You can date him, be with him, move in with him, talk about him with your friends… whatever. But not as my wife.

You always had the option to do this right – to have talked to me and even divorced before deciding to have an affair, but you didn’t. I will be brave enough to do it for us.

I am initiating the steps to end our marriage. It’s a process and is both emotional and practical/legal steps. I’m starting the emotional detachment, the expectations of marriage and all that and will move on to the legal and practical as I gain strength to do so. There are laws and processes that will ensure the practical and legal process will be fair to both of us.

If you want this marriage and if you want to be my wife, you need to let me know in a very clear and unequivocal way. You would also have to show me with definite actions that you want this marriage. Without both (words and actions) I am simply assuming you have chosen your infidelity over us.

This is verbatim copy/paste from my first post on your situation.
This is not something I just "discovered". If I have any credit to this text then it's simply that I took time to put forth what has been suggested by many into words that might make sense to some.

Notice there is no "wait to see what she does". It's ACTION, and you control the pace of that action. For all you care she can pine for OM and her own self-made misery - OR she can get on board wiht saving the marraige. But YOU are getting out of infidelity.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 12286   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8785485
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RealityBlows ( member #41108) posted at 3:24 PM on Monday, April 3rd, 2023

^^^^^^^^^^^^THIS ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

It's ACTION, and you control the pace of that action.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 3:27 PM, Monday, April 3rd]

posts: 1307   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8785497
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Butforthegrace ( member #63264) posted at 3:53 PM on Monday, April 3rd, 2023

Max:

In response to your question:

Should just sit here and wait for HER decision?

No, you should not.

Right now, your posts suggest that you are paralyzed into inaction. That's pretty common for BH's at your stage. It is incumbent upon you to give yourself a bracing slap in the face and wake yourself up. Take action to get yourself out of infidelity.

Among other things, a good first step would be to reach out to the OBW and discuss what you know about the A, and what she knows about it.

Also, find a good divorce lawyer and consult with him/her for an hour. This is not to file divorce. This is simply to get information about what divorce would look like to you, both during and after.

"The wicked man flees when no one chases."

posts: 4179   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Midwest
id 8785501
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ChamomileTea ( Moderator #53574) posted at 5:41 PM on Monday, April 3rd, 2023

Should just sit here and wait for HER decision? While there is a possibility that A continues but with more carefully chosen ways.

I'm going to be really candid with you.. because you asked. But no, I would NOT wait. I'd see an attorney and I'd probably go ahead and file. Right now, she has a full-time job which will, at least to some extent, mitigate support payments. You've got a home business and an established history of being the children's main caregiver, which I think might give you the edge on keeping the home and keeping the children's routines somewhat intact. Even in a 50/50, you've still got the high ground in emotional terms as to where "home" is.

I'd file and let her scramble. If she can slow you down and somehow save it, that'll benefit everyone, but most particularly you, because she'll have had to prove that she REALLY wants to be there.

There is such a thing as "condonation" which can take filing on grounds off the table. IOW, if you've returned to sexual activity or continued to share domestic life past a certain point, the court views it as tacit forgiveness of the adultery. So, you might not be able to divorce her on grounds, but still, I think you've probably in a better position than you might think.

In your opening post, you said you were 47. Believe me, I know hw we start feeling like maybe we're too old to start over again. BTDT. But the reality is that we tend to catastrophize when we're hurt. In actuality, you could divorce this wife, marry another, and still be married for twice as long before your life span is done. This kind of trauma can keep us paralyzed and depressed so we don't realize that we've still got options.

In my own situation, I told my fWH on dday that I was going to divorce him. No "ifs, ands, or buts". I was DONE. It was him coming to ME a week later and asking for more time, time to prove himself. Of course, he initially fucked that up, but within a month or so of dday, he was determined to win me over and he put all his eggs into that basket. I do believe that if I'd given him an inch back then, he'd have taken a mile and we wouldn't be here now.

Ultimatums only work if you're willing to enforce them, so I would never suggest filing for divorce as a tactic. But you asked, and when I walk that proverbial mile in your shoes, I would file and I would mean it.

Strength and healing to you.

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)
Married 40 years; in R with fWH for 8

posts: 7017   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8785516
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 6:22 PM on Monday, April 3rd, 2023

Ultimatums only work if you're willing to enforce them, so I would never suggest filing for divorce as a tactic.

^^This

When I found out about my WH affair with a co-worker, I set the rules. My way or the highway. No more BS.

At the time I didn't know that the other woman's husband found out about the emotional affair between my husband and his wife. The OW husband confronted both of them, WH and OW said it was over, too bad the OW husband didn't inform me about the affair because a month later his wife met my husband in his hotel room. 18 years later, I still resent him for not informing me, not allowing me to know the secret happening in my life.

Inform the other BS asap. Do not let your wife know you are going to do this. You need to find the strength to get out of infidelity by meeting with an attorney, informing the other BS, and showing your wife you will not tolerate any more disrespect.

Put yourself in the driver's seat as right now it sounds as if your wife is in control.


Right now, your posts suggest that you are paralyzed into inaction. That's pretty common for BH's at your stage. It is incumbent upon you to give yourself a bracing slap in the face and wake yourself up. Take action to get yourself out of infidelity.

Among other things, a good first step would be to reach out to the OBW and discuss what you know about the A, and what she knows about it.

Also, find a good divorce lawyer and consult with him/her for an hour. This is not to file divorce. This is simply to get information about what divorce would look like to you, both during and after.

^^1000%. This is exactly how you get out of infidelity. No compromises, no begging or pleading, no waiting for your spouse to make a decision for you. Take the bull by the horns to get your life back on track.

posts: 12114   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8785527
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sven ( new member #80286) posted at 10:16 PM on Monday, April 3rd, 2023

what the hell are you doing man. why do you take her bullshit.


1. tell ap wife
2. initate diviorce


sonner or later you will find out that she continued the affair, and the affair.

Do something!

posts: 37   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2022
id 8785570
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fareast ( Moderator #61555) posted at 11:51 PM on Monday, April 3rd, 2023

Op you have received good advice. Take your time and implement the 180.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:53 PM, Monday, April 3rd]

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 3875   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8785586
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 madmax76 (original poster new member #83140) posted at 9:55 AM on Tuesday, April 4th, 2023

Update:

I started to to apply the 180 method. Since we still live in the same household with three children, I always have to watch not to hurt them with this new behavior. I reduced the communication with her for topics like the kids and household issues and try to focus on myself. I also asked her to take care of the kids 50% of her time from now on. That would mean coming home earlier or hiring a babysitter.

Regarding to any reasoning with my WS, you were totally right: nothing has any effect but the consequences of her actions.

I’ve separated the finances. She also told me, that even 50% of the cost division is not going to work for her, since her salary is so low and she wants some saving as well….. She asked me to divide the cost based on the differences of our salaries. Let’s say she pays 30%, while I’m paying 70%… How is that fair now?

Regarding to informing the other party’s spouse: I did not say anything about this she did bring up this topic because she thinks I know everything and was afraid what I was going to do. She told me she talked about this with her AP right after the discovery and - without telling too much - she does not advice this, because of the retaliation that can come… She was not specific about what would come, are children in danger, or me or her or whatever. I asked her what does she mean about this. She stormed off the room without saying anything….. She said whatever happens, she will side with the children and nobody else…. That was shocking, because that means if somebody came to our place and burned our car or beat the crap out of me for retaliation, then she does not care? She will not side with me? I started to think… if that’s true (she said that - so yes), why should I even care about this woman at all? That was a wake-up moment to be honest.

I’m heading for a divorce now.

[This message edited by madmax76 at 9:55 AM, Tuesday, April 4th]

posts: 37   ·   registered: Mar. 28th, 2023   ·   location: Hungary
id 8785613
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Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 11:31 AM on Tuesday, April 4th, 2023

Her retaliation comment is just a ploy to try to get you to not speak to the OBS about her A. You should definitely disclose.

posts: 785   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8785616
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Butforthegrace ( member #63264) posted at 12:10 PM on Tuesday, April 4th, 2023

She told me she talked about this with her AP right after the discovery and - without telling too much - she does not advice this, because of the retaliation that can come…

Virtually every cheating wife who gets caught says this. It's cliche. It's also a lie. Remember what I told you in my first post: she has become accustomed to lying to you for the purpose of manipulating you. Lying is her normal.

Did your wife consult with you about whether you thought it was advisable for her to fuck another man?

Do NOT consult with her about your actions. Make decisions for yourself, and take action.

"The wicked man flees when no one chases."

posts: 4179   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Midwest
id 8785618
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HouseOfPlane ( member #45739) posted at 12:17 PM on Tuesday, April 4th, 2023

I’m heading for a divorce now.

Good call

DDay 1986: R'd, it was hard, hard work.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?”
― Mary Oliver

posts: 3135   ·   registered: Nov. 25th, 2014
id 8785621
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DobleTraicion ( member #78414) posted at 12:41 PM on Tuesday, April 4th, 2023

Sir, just want to say that I am sorry you are facing this marital treason. Your stbxw is a traitor to the marital/familial cause. Full stop.

I support a hard 180 and having her served at work.

Two things I adjure you to read and internalize:

1. No More Mr. Nice Guy

2. Leave A Cheater, Gain A Life

I think you know by now, no rational argument, no attempting to "get into her head" is going to reach her. It is an exercise in futility and a waste of YOUR effort and time. She has gone over to the dark side and must fully experience the emptiness and destruction that this will result in.

You, however, must not go there with her. Fight for your, and your children's future health & happiness which no longer can include her and her stone cold heart.

I wish you well. Please keep posting.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 12:44 PM, Wednesday, April 5th]

"You'd figure that in modern times, people wouldn't feel the need to get married if they didn't agree with the agenda"

~ lascarx

posts: 294   ·   registered: Mar. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: South
id 8785626
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1994 ( member #82615) posted at 3:24 PM on Tuesday, April 4th, 2023

It's pretty shocking that she's still conspiring with her AP. The marriage is clearly over. She is certainly lying about retaliation. Write this remark down somewhere so you don't forget it (other than here, obviously, but somewhere where you see it every day). In your quieter moments in the future if you start to doubt whether you're doing the right thing, just re-read this to stay focused. Fire a hard shot across the bow by immediately telling the POSOM's OBS. There is no excuse for this level of conniving from her.
Also, she destroyed her half of the marriage, so she should be thrilled to only be responsible for 50 percent of the financial responsibility. Use your 50 percent to get your life back on track.
Dude, make her feel the consequences for her choices. She won't learn otherwise.

posts: 128   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2022   ·   location: USA
id 8785656
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ChamomileTea ( Moderator #53574) posted at 3:35 PM on Tuesday, April 4th, 2023

I'm sorry that it hasn't gone the way you hoped it would. Divorce is a tough option, but you know, very often we do have members come back and say how well their lives are going and how happy they are with their choice. I think the worst outcome isn't necessarily D. It's being unhappy.

I’ve separated the finances. She also told me, that even 50% of the cost division is not going to work for her, since her salary is so low and she wants some saving as well….. She asked me to divide the cost based on the differences of our salaries. Let’s say she pays 30%, while I’m paying 70%… How is that fair now?

Your best bet might be to see an attorney before you end up establishing some kind of precedent. I certainly wouldn't give her 70%. shocked You don't want a family court judge thinking that this is the norm. For right now, I'd let her keep her paycheck while I kept mine. You might decide to divvy up the bills differently, but I wouldn't hand over cash without legal advice.

You might also want to get several opinions before you put anyone on retainer. This not only gives you a better chance at finding a good match but it also eliminates her prospects for hire. Any attorney who consults with you would have a conflict of interest and can't be hired by her.

Your job isn't to make divorce easier for her. It's to make it easier for you, you and your children.

Toward that end, I wouldn't worry about exposing the AP. Yeah, it can be a really good tool for ending an affair and keeping the WS accountable, not to mention being very satisfying in terms of doing the right thing for the OBS. That said, it is sometimes in our own self-interest to make sure the WS doesn't end up unemployed and looking for additional alimony. No one expects you to cut of your own nose to spite your face, right? For now, it's probably a good thing that she keeps her job.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:35 PM, Tuesday, April 4th]

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)
Married 40 years; in R with fWH for 8

posts: 7017   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8785659
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Abalone123 ( member #82896) posted at 4:16 PM on Tuesday, April 4th, 2023

MM, I am sorry for the way this is playing out.

Your wife is still with the AP and wants to continue the affair on your dime. Her asking about the 70:30 split tells me she has thought about divorce even before you did and has possibly been advised by her AP. The only retaliation she fears is for her and her AP’s sweet life being impacted. I would say do contact the OBS, it will shake your wife’s support from the AP a bit atleast. I anticipate she will not make the divorce easy if she continues with the same kind of arrogance and indifference which obviously comes from the continued affair.
The times ahead will be tough but remember you deserve better. Take care of your mental and physical health. You are obviously the only mature adult in the family and will need to continue being one for the kids.

I wish you lots of strength and healing.

posts: 273   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2023
id 8785672
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sven ( new member #80286) posted at 4:47 PM on Tuesday, April 4th, 2023

And you just buy her retaliation comment? just like that?

Your wife probably told Ap: "don’t worry about my husband telling your wife, I will just come up with some kind of bs story how your wife is a fury and he will back down, that’s who he is!"

Ap wife is probably a lovely woman who is been lied too just as you were. she deserves to know. Be better than that and tell her!

posts: 37   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2022
id 8785684
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MrBigBull ( new member #83123) posted at 4:58 PM on Tuesday, April 4th, 2023

Hi madmax76,

I’ve separated the finances. She also told me, that even 50% of the cost division is not going to work for her, since her salary is so low and she wants some saving as well….. She asked me to divide the cost based on the differences of our salaries. Let’s say she pays 30%, while I’m paying 70%… How is that fair now?

Stick to the 50-50. If in court assets are going to be divided, she will get 50%.
for example, if both names are on the house, then when sold, she would get 50% of the profit. She will most certainly not say you will get 70%.
So stick to the 50-50. Calculate all joined costs (mortgage, utility bills, etc), and divide it 50-50.
When she brings up that she wants to have savings as well, then just tell her you wanted a loyal wife, but you didn't get that.
She brought this up on herself, she decided to cheat, so she has to live with the consequences of her actions.

As for the telling the OBS, what your wife says are threats. Just tell her you went to the police first to inform them if anything bad happens to you, they should check AP first. If you actually will go to the police is up to you, you can play the lying game also. Then just tell OBS, she has a right to know.

posts: 6   ·   registered: Mar. 25th, 2023
id 8785687
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HalfTime2017 ( member #64366) posted at 5:25 PM on Tuesday, April 4th, 2023

Telling the OBS is a must, but the timing is up to you. If you feel that holding that back for now will help in your Divorce, than keep that card until your negotiations are over.

Your WW is trash, and she has just shown you who she truly is. She has thrown you to the curb and is actively helping and protecting her AP, rather than her husband. That is total disrespect and total disloyalty to the family circle. She deserves to be served and treated like a traitor. You cannot trust anything she says, and you can no longer just pretend that things will go back to normal. She has shown you her ugliness and there is no way to unsee that.

Best bet is to get legal advice like others have said. DO NOT give her any extra money until the court mandates it. Once you get into court, they will figure out what they want to do, but until that time, you do not make those decisions unilaterally. It will be to your detriment.

posts: 1424   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8785691
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LightningCrashes ( member #70173) posted at 6:41 PM on Tuesday, April 4th, 2023

You must tell the other betrayed spouse about what has been happening. The betrayed wife has a right to know what her husband has been doing and then make her own decisions.

What your wife said to you about retaliation is just a lie and a ploy to keep you from telling the other spouse. Your wife is actually looking out for her affair partner, and herself. Not you.

You must tell the other betrayed spouse.

posts: 138   ·   registered: Mar. 28th, 2019
id 8785698
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RealityBlows ( member #41108) posted at 9:36 PM on Tuesday, April 4th, 2023

Ok, your WW is leaving you with little-to no, alternatives. She’s intent on plowing your marriage firmly into the dirt.

Your WW’s behavior is concerning. I wanted to caution you about a destructive class of WS that can cause harm to the BS. Sometimes WS’s, usually deep in the The Fog, can turn on their BS and go on a vindictive and/or a coldly indifferent offensive with tactics such as:

-Squirreling away escape funds from family coffers. Hiding assets and income. Maxing out credit cards.

-Character assassination, undermining friend and family relations, promoting false narratives.

-False DV charges, false child neglect claims, false libel, slander, defamation claims, false threat claims.

-Preemptive legal action, restraining orders, "Conflicting Out" attorneys, cease, desist, gag orders, have you removed from premises, and using children as leverage.

Just something to think about and watch out for.

To protect yourself, I would:

-Lawyer up-of course.

-Follow attorney advice on securing finances.

-Follow attorney’s advice on any separation, especially any extended absences from your domicile.

-Carry a VAR on your person when interacting with her. Home WiFi security cameras are also helpful. If you already have them, change the passwords.

-Maintain good situational awareness. Maintain distance. Watch for manipulation, love/sex bombing, threats, suicidal ideology.

-Avoid unnecessary interactions with her. When interacting keep it professional and civil.

-If D is pursued, follow the directions of your attorney to the "T".

-Try to only communicate with each other through your respective attorneys.

-Don’t telegraph your moves. Be discreet.

-Maintain a civil composure around her at all times .

-Avoid unnecessary antagonism.

-If she has ANY sympathy for the pain she has caused you, the family, due to her actions, play on that, foster it, use it to help secure best terms.

-Take advantage of The Fog, her altered and distracted state, to secure best terms.

Until you have secured the best terms divorce, I would avoid any unnecessary antagonism. If you feel that notifying the OBS will adversely affect your chances for a best terms divorce then, HOLD OFF on notifying the OBS until the ink is dry on your MSA. Be wise about unnecessary exposure that might adversely affect her compliance with a best terms divorce.

"Discretion is the better part of not getting exsanguinated."

-Jim Butcher

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 10:03 PM, Tuesday, April 4th]

posts: 1307   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8785713
Topic is Sleeping.
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