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 madmax76 (original poster new member #83140) posted at 2:03 PM on Tuesday, March 28th, 2023

Words cannot express the sadness, the disappointment and the confusion I feel now.
My wife (40) and me (47) have been married for 16 years. We have children of 5, 8, 11 years old, all girls.
My wife - after spending a lot of time at home with children, - recently got a new, full time job (6 months ago).
I told her I fully supported her in everything. Being at home, full time in my job, I told her I could take care of the logistics of the children, I did all the cleaning, cooking and teaching of the children.
I provided her with a clean and peaceful home every day so that she could focus fully on her new career.
I loved her and it was natural for me to support her even if I had to make some compromises in my job and constantly rescheduling meetings. For me, it was worth the effort.
In January, she started to behave a bit strangely, she admitted that her coworkers were now also her friends.
Coworkers of opposite sex of course. It was strange for me that time, and to be honest I felt a bit uneasy, but I convinced myself there was nothing in this and I might be too jealous.
She also told me we changed a lot, she was a bit unsure about herself and needed some space, maybe some new hobby... yes, it is possible for a mother who spent 10 years at home and doing some part time jobs, that a new world had just opened with the new job and she wanted some freedom. Ok I got it. I told her I supported her, if she wanted a bit more fresh air not only the family and the kids all the time.
But what I noticed was that, after she came home from her work she started to lock herself into the bathroom
with her company phone. This was clearly a red flag, because I don't think after 8hrs of hard work anybody wants to browse company stuff and news instead of relaxing and be with the family. Turned out she was chatting with coworker(s). I told her to stop this, because everybody in the family waited for her all day and it was not expected that she continues focusing on company stuff and coworkers after she arrived at home. She agreed to stop these activities.
Then, one day in February at 7pm she was not at home which was odd, because she had an 8hr job and children started to ask where mommy was.
We have an apple family share so that we know where each of the family members are, so I checked her position.
She was in the city but in a location that she never told me about before. (her job is the visit properties, so it could be explained as an official business). Oddly she was near a hotel... but the location was not 100% accurate so I could not tell for sure. But something clicked me that moment that oops a possible affair was happening? I simply could not believe it (that time).
I called her. I asked her why was she at the specific location at 7pm while everybody is waiting for her for dinner. She was a bit surprised by the call and the fact I knew where she was. She promised to come home as soon as possible.
The very next day she checked out of apple family sharing saying I was too controlling and she did want me to know her location all the time, it was suffocating for her.
(I never ever checked her location before). She then reinstalled her iPhone, changed passwords.
She also told me that since we had a common bank account I could see all the transactions and she needed some cash... in case of buying some gifts etc. (yeah, looking back... this was absurd and a huge red flag).
At home she became distant and cold. She stopped initiating anything.
So three things happened at the same time. (1) Sudden new friends, needs space and new hobby, (2) Disconnecting from apple sharing to know her location + sudden need of cash (3) Cold behavior at home. I did not think that three things could happen at the same time without a single root cause. I began to feel strangely... had that gut feeling. Every time I asked was there anything I should know of? "no there is nothing", no third party, I have the problem with myself....
Problem was, that from that moment I could not eat, think and sleep properly. Later in February I initiated many conversations with her asking a lot of questions and specifically if there was a third one (AP) I should know of ...or not....she said (became irritated and angry): "what?? you know me.. I know my boundaries and I can say no!" After a while she suggested me to go therapy because of my overcontrolling behavior...

Gut feeling never went away.... so I started to watch her as a hawk.
One thing she did not take into consideration was that we also had an iPad with her Apple Id. (huge mistake!)
And location sharing is still active, so even though she checked out from family sharing and reinstalled her phone and stopped sharing location with my appleid, on the iPad (signed in with her appleid) I still could follow her every step which I did...

As I was determined to find out the truth for me and for the sake of my family, in March, I started to actively monitoring her location because I felt something was going on. All the signs pointed at one single possibility of a potential affair and only one thing was against them... her denial.
I noticed that during working hours (!) she was at a specific location multiple times a week. Typically from 3-4 pm to 5-6 pm. She made sure she arrived in normal time at home.... The place was a restaurant but also some hotel rooms attached...(!) nothing related to her work.
On D-day, I asked my friend to go to this place and watch. He told me she left the hotel room area with a guy and they both sat in their own car and left. No more evidence I needed. I called the place they told me the rooms are there for even short term stay like 3 hrs.
During her presence her I called her. She did not answer at first try, but answered the second. She was normal, she said, yes they were there, but were investigating a storage location attached because of her work. I called the place they said there was no separate storage location to check.

When my wife returned home I asked about the place, about the hotel rooms and her story. She denied everything.
I asked , was this the first time she was there. She said yes, it was a new place, I said I knew for a fact that she was there at least 3 times in the last two weeks. (lies again). She laughed (!) at me and went into the house.
Later I tried to ask what was going on, please talk and at least after 16 years I might have the right to know the truth. She denied everything saying 'I have nothing to say.'
She showed no remorse, no empathy, nothing. She was irritated by my questions and refused to communicate. I told her if it was truly an affair, I would divorce. Can I have an honest confession? No.
She went to the sleeping room locked the door and went to sleep as nothing happened.
I stayed in the living room devastated, without any explanation or confession. Children cried, they did not understand what was going on. Then put the children to bed and remained in the living room all night and could hardly sleep because of the emotional shock.
Next morning she went to work and did not say a thing, still denying. 'I have nothing to say'.
Later that day I told the children what happened, and mommy and daddy will probably divorce. They cried , they collapsed, did not understand how their world can crash in a single day. They asked what happened. I told them on their level. They did not how to handle this, how the behave with their mommy after this.
Then, later that day, she returned from work. Still had nothing to say. Played with the children, watched Tv, like everything was normal. I stood there watching here , and could not believe her.
After two more days she started to talk. She confessed she was very down emotionally and started to chat with some coworker.... He also has a family.. they both agreed to have these 'motel sessions'. They had sex multiple times (!), they did on purpose and she was surprised that I found this out so quickly. That was not in their plan for sure. We talked about the future of our marriage. I said I was not sure I can forgive this, but we had 3 little kids and I did not want to destroy their world. We might start fresh and go the therapy..
Next morning, my wife approached me and said that she made a huge mistake. She said she would end the affair now 'because it does not lead to anywhere' (maybe she got rejected, the AP won't divorce because of her? who knows..), and agreed to go IC. She said she had emotions... (bad news) and this can take a longer time to really close this in her... I did not know what to say to this. She also said she loves me but not in love with me at the moment.
She is now hesitating to stay with me and do a fresh start or move out completely.

After this, she was on an emotional roller coaster... She confirmed she ended the relationship..(can I believe this?). sometimes she is ok, next day she is down.. she is not over it, clearly.
In the last two days, I am with the children all day when she comes home from work, I am the one (stupid?) to initiate conversation with her.. she seems to be distant, stone walled, tries to avoid me, always be in the other room, be with the kids, then go to her phone or watch TV and fall asleep. Does not seem like an attempt to reconcile or show me her empathy for the emotional damage she caused me. Or at least an attempt to ease my pain or support me by doing some small gestures..is there a true remorse? or is she just irritated by the fact they I busted her and her activity was revealed? Can she be that selfish?

Then today she told me we should go together somewhere during the weekend..as a family.. how I should I interpret this.. very confusing for me. she seems to be uncertain, but still showing me now real emotions or gestures.

I don't know what to do. I know for a fact, then she cheated me multiple times, on purpose, betrayed me, lied about it, gaslighted me, laughed into my face when confronted and I don't feel she has true remorse. Seems like the only thing she cares about now is the potential negative consequences of her actions. Not me. Me and my emotions and the damage she caused is in her picture at all?

Should I do more gestures to her, initiate conversations, still believe this can be fixed if we go a fresh start?
Or the level of betrayal is so deep, the marriage is not fixable? As you could feel I still love her, trying (desperately?) save my marriage and the kids.. totally confused.

posts: 37   ·   registered: Mar. 28th, 2023   ·   location: Hungary
id 8784515
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lrpprl ( member #80538) posted at 2:45 PM on Tuesday, March 28th, 2023

On this website at the top are some topics. One of those topics is the "The Healing Library". Many great articles there on how to handle different aspects of an affair. One of the short articles for the person who has newly discovered their partner has cheated on them or is cheating on them is "Quick Start Guidelines".

https://survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/quick-start-guidelines/

Another great article there is "Calling all BSs" (Betrayed Spouses).

https://survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/calling-all-bses/

I am afraid you and your children are in for a long, long difficult road to try and navigate. We understand what you are going through and we are here to help you in any way we can. Some suggestions to you may seem harsh, but please try and take them in the spirit that those suggestions are meant to help. Some who reply to you have fresh wounds like you.

There are two suggestions I will now make to you that you should do as soon as practical for you:

(1) Talk to a Family Law/Divorce lawyer. This is Not to initiate a divorce. This purpose for speaking to a family law/divorce lawyer is for you to know the landscape you will face in the event you do go a divorce. This is Knowledge. Knowledge is Power. You will learn about how finances, co-parenting, asset division, etc. might happen in the event you chose divorce. It might help you in your thinking if you decide that divorce is your way out of infidelity instead of reconciliation.

(2) Please get checked for STDs. You can be almost certain that your wife has been having unprotected sex and that she has been putting your health at risk.

Others will be along and make better suggestions that I did. There is a saying here to take what you need and what pertains to your situation and leave all the rest.

I sincerely hope your road out of infidelity is as smooth as possible.

Good luck to you.

posts: 254   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2022   ·   location: USA
id 8784517
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lrpprl ( member #80538) posted at 2:46 PM on Tuesday, March 28th, 2023

On this website at the top are some topics. One of those topics is the "The Healing Library". Many great articles there on how to handle different aspects of an affair. One of the short articles for the person who has newly discovered their partner has cheated on them or is cheating on them is "Quick Start Guidelines".

https://survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/quick-start-guidelines/

Another great article there is "Calling all BSs" (Betrayed Spouses).

https://survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/calling-all-bses/

I am afraid you and your children are in for a long, long difficult road to try and navigate. We understand what you are going through and we are here to help you in any way we can. Some suggestions to you may seem harsh, but please try and take them in the spirit that those suggestions are meant to help. Some who reply to you have fresh wounds like you.

There are two suggestions I will now make to you that you should do as soon as practical for you:

(1) Talk to a Family Law/Divorce lawyer. This is Not to initiate a divorce. This purpose for speaking to a family law/divorce lawyer is for you to know the landscape you will face in the event you do go a divorce. This is Knowledge. Knowledge is Power. You will learn about how finances, co-parenting, asset division, etc. might happen in the event you chose divorce. It might help you in your thinking if you decide that divorce is your way out of infidelity instead of reconciliation.

(2) Please get checked for STDs. You can be almost certain that your wife has been having unprotected sex and that she has been putting your health at risk.

Others will be along and make better suggestions that I did. There is a saying here to take what you need and what pertains to your situation and leave all the rest.

I sincerely hope your road out of infidelity is as smooth as possible.

Good luck to you.

posts: 254   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2022   ·   location: USA
id 8784518
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lrpprl ( member #80538) posted at 2:47 PM on Tuesday, March 28th, 2023

Sorry for the double post. I have been getting stupid pop-ups on my computer which interfered with my posting the first message. As a result I posted the same message twice.

posts: 254   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2022   ·   location: USA
id 8784519
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CFme923 ( member #82955) posted at 3:00 PM on Tuesday, March 28th, 2023

Only you can know your limits, but you're still very early into this and sometimes it's best to give yourself time.

I highly recommend that you and your wife both read the book, not just friends by Shirley glass.

I understand your wife's actions are deeply painful. The behaviors she has displayed and have continued to display are right out of the cheaters handbook. Both of you should seek individual counseling and both should be checked for STDs.

posts: 88   ·   registered: Feb. 27th, 2023
id 8784522
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 3:31 PM on Tuesday, March 28th, 2023

Welcome to SI and so sorry you had to find us. As mentioned, the Healing Library has some great information and there are some pinned posts at the top of the page.

We're here to help get you out of infidelity. Usually, that's D (divorce) or R (Reconcile). Your decision is what fits your situation. These early days are the hardest.

If your WW (wayward wife) wants to work on the M (marriage), then she needs to look for another job. Otherwise, the A continues.

Also, please inform the OBS (other betrayed spouse), to allow them to have the agency to make informed decisions regarding their M.

You'll receive more advice. Take what you need and leave the rest.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3125   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8784532
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Confused282 ( member #79680) posted at 4:12 PM on Tuesday, March 28th, 2023

I’m so sorry for what happened.

Your wife is absolutely terrible.

One find a lawyer immediately. Like was said before you don’t have to file for divorce but you need to know what it will look like and what your rights are.

Also what steps you can take to protect your self moving forward.

The other thing you must do immediately is find that man’s family and notify his wife immediately.

Nothing shatters your wife’s fantasy world faster than that. Also that man’s wife might be A great asset in keeping that man away from your wife.

Use the phone number you have and hire a PI if you need too.

If there are multiple men send it to all their wives even if they did not have sex with your wife.

I would not do anything about the job until you talk to a lawyer because your wife may need that job.

But make no mistake if she wants to save the marriage job is over.

Also she will never have any male friends or hang out with work colleagues ever again.

God her lying was so horrible. Using the buzzwords "insecure" "controlling" actually trying to get you into therapy.

Absolute despicable.

Well if she thought it was bad before it’s going to be even worse as your gut was right and now you’re going to be hyper vigilant. Forever.

This is one of the reasons there is a vein of thinking that you can never come back from an affair.

Honestly you told the kids (which was good) don’t go on a family outing. That’s just manipulation right now.

It’s not your relationships with the kids that needs work right now.

Everything is about you and her as you both will still have relationships with the kids after you divorce.

There is also an additional vein of thinking that women do not grow love they transfer love.

Meaning she was literally being sexed out of loving you.

This is why she is unsure. She has been getting filled with feel good love chemicals and now being home with you is bringing her down.

This is the nature of all affairs. Intense feel good emotions. Then damage at home that create intense lows. Then back to affair and intense feel good chemicals that are even more increased because the home life is even worse. It’s a vicious cycle.

Your wife got herself into a situation she was not capable of handling.

Now she is unsure of what to do as she wants her happiness dopamine rush. She thinks that it will be easier and she might be happier if you just split.

She is right that in the short term it will be easier for her. Affairs cloud the brain.

I say all this to let you know what you are up against.

She is going to need strength in order to fix this and she may not be capable of it.

She is in a very deluded fantasy world and negotiating with her and trying to nice her back will not work.

You need to shatter the fantasy and return her to reality. She needs consequences.

This is not going to happen if you do not take strong action.

I would suggest you ask her to leave and stay with family or friends if you can.

She needs to immediately get a taste of what life is going to look like if you divorce.

Be polite, state what you want but let her know her bullshit is not acceptable.

She is either all in or all out.

She needs to be doing everything to save this family not you.

You are worth something and deserve better.

You really did find a good place more people will chime in soon with really useful advice.

Remember one thing. These cheating scenarios play out again and again in very predictable patterns. Don’t think your story is unique.

By the way you really have done a good job so far standing up for yourself.

Keep it up.

posts: 159   ·   registered: Dec. 16th, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8784538
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Belle25 ( member #63676) posted at 4:31 PM on Tuesday, March 28th, 2023

Others will be along with good advice for you with your wife, but I just wanted to say please, please do not tell you children "mommy and daddy will probably divorce" and tell them the story when you don't know what is going to happen. That is going to stress them out terribly, and if you and your wife decide to work on reconciliation, it will be confusing and trust breaking for them. They really need to be left out of this until the two of you figure out your path.

[This message edited by Belle25 at 4:32 PM, Tuesday, March 28th]

posts: 64   ·   registered: May. 3rd, 2018
id 8784540
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Sometimesiamlost ( new member #80208) posted at 5:27 PM on Tuesday, March 28th, 2023

" She also said she loves me but not in love with me at the moment."

Right there - you hear this - DONE - time to walk. For male or female - why exert any energy into anyone that feels this way to you. Sorry to be so harsh, but how do you ever forget those words, let alone the fact they they were having secret liaisons for sex!

Nope, nope nope - the kids will be fine, you will make money in the future -

Sorry OP

posts: 28   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2022
id 8784545
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Unhinged ( member #47977) posted at 6:21 PM on Tuesday, March 28th, 2023

Words cannot express...

Brother, we understand. For most people, the betrayal of infidelity is a profound shock to the system and a severe emotional and psychological trauma. Few of us, if any, are prepared for the shit storm that follows. To some degree or another, most of us experience post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). We find ourselves on an "emotional rollercoaster," have trouble eating, sleeping, or functioning as a normal human being.

Most people will go straight into "damage control" mode when busted (for anything). Wayward spouses are certainly no different. Lying, gas-lighting, blame-shifting and defensiveness are all a part of it (along with a lot of other bullshit). It's rare indeed that a WS will take full responsibility for their choices and actions right off the bat.

As for empathy, remorse and contrition... you're right, she's far more concerned with controlling the fall-out and the out-come. She might get there one day, she might not. Some people are willing and able to own and fix their shit. Unfortunately, some never will.

...my wife approached me and said that she made a huge mistake.

Infidelity is a choice, not a mistake. It's a myriad of small choices made one after another. Until she's ready, willing and able to take full and complete responsibility for her choices and actions, reconciliation will never be possible.

Does not seem like an attempt to reconcile or show me her empathy for the emotional damage she caused me. Or at least an attempt to ease my pain or support me by doing some small gestures..is there a true remorse? or is she just irritated by the fact they I busted her and her activity was revealed? Can she be that selfish?

Just a few weeks after d-day, this isn't terribly uncommon. She has yet to learn how her affair has affected you and your family. You can try to explain it to her, as you come to understand it yourself, and hopefully she'll listen. Still, it's hard for most WS to hear. Most would just as soon put it all behind them and simply move on.

She said she would end the affair now...

Ending the affair is certainly a step in the right direction. Unfortunately, it's not enough. If you have any chance at saving your marriage, she's going to have to end all contact with the AP, forever. That certainly includes finding a new job, blocking all forms of communication (phone, email, social media, etc.).

Should I do more gestures to her, initiate conversations, still believe this can be fixed if we go a fresh start?
Or the level of betrayal is so deep, the marriage is not fixable? As you could feel I still love her, trying (desperately?) save my marriage and the kids.. totally confused.

Some betrayed spouses will do what we call the "pick me dance." That is, we try to reaffirm our love for our wayward spouses by being a better spouse ourselves. And while each of us may have had room for improvement, the approach tends to give a wayward the impression that we'll forgive them, reconcile, and simply move on. It's a recipe for failure.

Initiate conversations about the affair whenever you feel the need (within reason, of course). It's unlikely that she will ever do the same. If you want to help her understand why you're asking a gazilion questions, give her a copy of "Joseph's Letter." You'll find it in The Healing Library, in the "Articles" section, discovery/confrontation.

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/joseph-letter/

For some of us, myself included, the betrayal was deep enough. Infidelity is a deal-breaker for me, pure and simple. My son was only 4yo on d-day. Two months later I was calling lawyers because I'd already had enough. Like a great many other betrayed spouses, however, I stayed for the kid(s) and gave reconciliation a chance. Six years later, I accepted that my relationship with her was at an end (which I think she intended all along).

What's most important, I think, is to realize that as much as you might love your wife and want to reconcile, it's beyond your control. The bulk of the work of reconciliation begins and ends with the wayward spouse. She might be a good candidate. You won't know any time soon. It takes most couple at least two years to reconcile. It's a long road, man.

So, if you cannot control the out-come, that leaves you with a choice to make and, generally speaking, we make the best choices when well informed. I truly believe every betrayed spouse "should" get to a point at which they are comfortable with either reconciliation or divorce.

Do yourself a favor by consulting a lawyer, even if only to educate yourself. Take a good long look at what divorce would look like, financially, logistically, etc.

In the meantime, take care of yourself. Be gentle and kind to yourself. Surviving infidelity is likely to the most painful and challenging of your life.

Married 2005
D-Day April, 2015
Divorced May, 2022

"The Universe is not short on wake-up calls. We're just quick to hit the snooze button." -Brene Brown

posts: 6704   ·   registered: May. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Colorado
id 8784555
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 6:27 PM on Tuesday, March 28th, 2023

Can she be that selfish?

Yes. It takes a very selfish mindset to risk blowing up their kids lives for a tawdry affair. You know she did that. Her actions during were to double down even when you voiced your concerns. That is the woman to whom you are currently married. That can possibly change, but her actions post Dday aren't exactly encouraging.

R is hard. It requires both of you to do the hard work involved. Even if you are all in and willing to try, your WW is currently indifferent. That's not going to end well. She's hesitating without even getting to the hard stuff. Your best option is to push her fully out of the nest. She really has to want to be there and right now she doesn't. The longer your M exists in this limbo the more toxic it is going to be everyone involved. If nothing else changes you are headed for divorce. Whether that is now, 5 years from now, or when the youngest reaches 18 is the question. I would suggest that you make your plans accordingly. Read up on the 180. Stop interacting with your WW outside of the kids. Stop supporting her. Separate your finances from hers. Seek legal advice. Start preparing for the inevitable and push her out of your life. Take time with the kids by yourself. Take time away from the kids by yourself.

posts: 1550   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8784558
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 6:28 PM on Tuesday, March 28th, 2023

A good book for a starter is How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It's short and is a good resource for your WW to begin with. I read it, too. The book is under 100 pages IIRC.

Another good book for the two of you is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. It is much longer and takes awhile to get through. I really appreciated the windows & doors analogy she uses to help understand boundaries.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3125   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8784559
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 9:13 PM on Tuesday, March 28th, 2023

HI, welcome to SI.

Gently, if your wife is still working with this guy, the affair is probably ongoing.

Keep in mind cheaters lie and deny and gaslight and blameshift.....all of them.

It is imperative that you know who the affair partner is AND inform his wife that her husband is having an affair with your wife. The best way to end an affair is to shine a light on it. Do not tell your wife you are going to do this as she and the affair partner will come up with some crazy story that you are delusional or an overly jealous husband. Take screenshots of your evidence and don't ever reveal your sources.

Seek out a couple of lawyers immediately if nothing else to find out what your right are. Your children need one stable parent and she is not it.

If you decide to R, she must leave that job immediately. No compromising. My WH left a 25-year career bc there was no way I'd permit him to have ANY communication with his affair partner, and his AP worked at a site 3,000 miles across the country. I would not tolerate any more disrespect. He did leave his job as he traveled to her site several times a year and he knew if he was anywhere in her proximity I'd leave. No questions. My way or the highway. I am a fairly quiet person but after infidelity I put the tallest beatch boots on that I could find and had the courage to stand up for myself.

Please seek individual counseling for yourself. Lean on a TRUSTED friend or family member or member of the clergy if you are so inclined.

Post as often as you need to, all of us have walked in your shoes and we have your back.

Whatever you do, do NOT tell your wife about this site, it is your safe space.

Check out the healing library, tons of great articles, knowledge is power.

posts: 12059   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8784586
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 madmax76 (original poster new member #83140) posted at 7:57 AM on Wednesday, March 29th, 2023

Thank you for all your replies and helping words.

Waters are now calm, maybe too calm. She goes to work, comes home in normal time, play with kids, no or minimal interaction with me and then goes to sleep. She even tells me when she is going to arrive.
No real / deep communication is initiated by her at all. Maybe she needs more time for this. Or she just comes home, keeps a low profile for now and in the meantime she is looking for an apartment to move out?
Time will tell. Now I don’t force anything and one of the reasons for this is that I also need time to process what just happened and what I really want.
One interesting thing I wanted share with you is this. After she had told me that she would end the affair and go the therapy, I approached her with my absolute minimum requirements regarding to our relationship going forward.
They were like, NC with the AP only business, absolute honesty, transparency and focus on family and us (not work or party), go to therapy now and talk about finance matters.
First off she was upset by the fact that I even dare to tell her any requirements. (!) Seems like it frustrates her that I tell her any of my boundaries.
Regarding to therapy I insisted to go now (since she told me the main reason for her infidelity was her emotional problems), but she told me she would go whenever she finds the time for it. She did not give any concrete timeline.
Furthermore, she refused to idea to leave her job and find another one. ‘I can handle this’ - this is what she said.
I also asked her that now we have been through this, what is her standpoint now of having sex outside of the marriage. Would you do it again? Her reply was: "No, I don’t think so."
And TBH this reply devastated me, because the expected reply to this question (if your are serious about rreconciliation) should have been a solid NO.
What do you think?

posts: 37   ·   registered: Mar. 28th, 2023   ·   location: Hungary
id 8784629
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Lurkingsoul12 ( member #82382) posted at 8:40 AM on Wednesday, March 29th, 2023

Yes,you do need time to process this. I suggest you take a break away from your wife. Go on a vacation alone for few weeks. Spend some time alone to think this through. You need clear mind to process this. Close proximity with her will not let you have a clear mind. Her present actions and behavior will only confuse you more and more. So, spend some alone time. This will also send clear message to your wife that things are worse than she thinks and you are rethinking your future with her. This will push her to take things seriously. Good luck.

posts: 456   ·   registered: Nov. 12th, 2022
id 8784631
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Seeking2Forgive ( member #78819) posted at 8:47 AM on Wednesday, March 29th, 2023

I'm sorry that she is putting you through this.

At best your WW has ended the A and is hoping that you will allow things to blow over without any change, self-examination, or consequences. At worst she has simply pushed the A underground and is waiting for things to blow over before getting busy again.

Your WW seems to have little concept of the damage that she has done to you emotionally and doesn't seem to care. A certain period of mourning over the loss of her A is typical but it's important to let her know that you will not wait indefinitely for her to start taking the steps to show that she is willing to work to become a safe partner again.

Read up on the 180 and consider placing a VAR in her car to ensure that she has not continued the A.

Best wishes to you.

Me: 62, BS -- Her: 61, FWS -- Dday: 11/15/03 -- Married 37 yrs -- Reconciled

posts: 526   ·   registered: May. 18th, 2021
id 8784633
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straightup ( member #78778) posted at 8:48 AM on Wednesday, March 29th, 2023

I suggest you read about the simplified 180 in the healing library. You might be doing it now.

She will need to find her own way to remorse, and honoring your conditions, if she has that in her.

You could push back on her minimization. Given what she has done recently, why should she expect that anything short of profound commitment to change and repair would be sufficient? It isn’t just going to slide.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
Mother Teresa

posts: 308   ·   registered: May. 11th, 2021   ·   location: Australia
id 8784634
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 11:56 AM on Wednesday, March 29th, 2023

I am so sorry for you and your children. Your cheating spouse has blown up your lives and basically doesn’t care.

Google affair fog - it will explain your wife’s behavior and mindset.

Also an affair is somewhat like an addiction or taking away a child’s toy. If it ends there is sadness and unhappiness b/c the "fun" or "high" is gone.

I don’t know if you will Reconcile or Divorce. What I can tell you is that in many cases, it is not the affair that kills the marriage but the cheater’s behavior after Dday (discovery day) that kills it. Exactly what you have witnessed — selfish behavior, showing no remorse, refusing to talk, etc.

My H was in the midst of a mid life crisis affair and for months he kept saying he wanted a D. To be with someone he knew a few months!😡🤪

He acted just like your cheating spouse. No remorse. Selfish. Refused to discuss. He had control of the situation until dday2 when I finally had enough. I told him that he left me no other options and I was D him. I didn’t yell. I wasn’t angry. I was done!!

I didn’t care what happened to him. I just needed to get myself out of the cray cray situation he put me in.

Best move I made. I was not joking about D him. It was not done as a threat. It was for real. I told him to get out and I meant it. I finally put myself first.

From that moment in my H changed. However it took me one year to not think about D him every day. I did not make R easy for him. And he knew it too.

I hope this helps you see that you cannot get your cheating spouse to do anything. But you can get yourself out of this dark hole by not accepting her behavior AND not allowing it to continue.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 11:58 AM, Wednesday, March 29th]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 1:18 PM on Wednesday, March 29th, 2023

She found time to have an affair,she can find time for therapy.

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6334   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8784645
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lrpprl ( member #80538) posted at 1:39 PM on Wednesday, March 29th, 2023

I second Straight Up's notion of using the 180 - simplified version - because you have children at home. If there were no children I would recommend the hard 180.

In fact, it appears she is doing her own version of the 180 towards you now.

She goes to work, comes home in normal time, play with kids, no or minimal interaction with me and then goes to sleep.

She is treating you like a necessary roommate for the moment. It appears that she is no longer mentally your wife and she is no longer mentally in your marriage.

I am really sorry you are having to go through all this. But you will get through this quagmire and get to the other side and out of infidelity. Just remember to exercise if you can. Stay hydrated and eat a good, balanced diet. Your physical health is just as important as your mental health.

We are pulling for you.

[This message edited by lrpprl at 1:41 PM, Wednesday, March 29th]

posts: 254   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2022   ·   location: USA
id 8784648
Topic is Sleeping.
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