How could I have been so stupid?
I haven’t really started a « general interest » thread before, but here goes…
Reading HellsNotHalfFull’s last post I was struck by him saying something along the lines of he felt foolish for allowing the OM in the house.
I wanted to say to him he can add me to the unbelievably naive club but I didn’t want to t/j
Here’s my WOW AM I STUPID moment below. I am curious to hear other people’s most stupid moment of the A.
My husband took his two secretaries on a luxury vacation. Did other folks where he worked do this for their employees…absolutely not. I remember in marriage counseling he kept saying, « well Elon Musk does it ». (Grandiose much?!)
I was actually invited on this trip and declined. I was so trusting. One secretary brought her husband but of course the AP did not, although he was invited too. I remember telling co-workers and parents at our kids soccer games that he was away on this trip. At the time I thought I was just complaining, like whining about poor me, home doing soccer tournaments, etc. Now, in retrospect, I realize those people must have thought I was absolutely insane. Who does something like this? And whose wife agrees?
When he returned I think I knew. Not in my conscious awareness yet but it must have been there. For years afterward he would complain about how the fact that I didn’t want to hear all about the trip made him feel « disconnected ». And that « disconnected » feeling led to the cheating. Yeah right. At least I am not that naive anymore. It is shocking to me that all this happened in plain sight. Frankly, I guess the AP could be forgiven for thinking we had a seriously fucked up marriage to have a wife agree to such a thing. Live and learn…
Other folks stories?
35 comments posted: Wednesday, February 21st, 2024
Question for the wise folks here
The timeline is basically done and I have read what there is. It isn’t anything new but can’t finalize it till get one additional piece of information. This is one thing I wanted the "expertise" of folks here on. So there is one date which occurs in the "worst month" when cheating went on. It is tied to a meeting. This is 8 years ago so frankly all the timing of everything is very muddy. But this bar they went to (god, I feel so stupid being so detailed, I realize no one else seems to get detailed—I’m just like a detail person). Anyway, this bar they went to…they got there and he refused to order b/c it was weird for them to see each other out of office and he was nervous and kind of no longer wanted to be doing this, especially not at this bar from her college years when he’s there in a suit. He says I’m done with this after like 5 min and leaves. So, without all the detail this date was a shift, from wanting to be ALL IN (doing whatever she wanted) to starting to want to get out.
He goes straight from the bar to a board meeting. To get the date of the board meeting he has to ask his current CEO. Should I have him ask her? He is totally game to do it, despite the fact that he is in senior management and it could probably affect her opinion of him (though honestly she already knows about all this junk b/c she was there when it happened and EVERYONE knew. It’s no big secret). But, it is a reminder. I’m not sure I would want an important senior colleague to be reminded of my worst act. But, she has been very kind over the last 8 years. There was a push for all the spouses to invest in the company and I refused unless I could have confirmation the AP would never be allowed back, and this CEO did give me that. And when they tried to assign him a new secretary that I was uncomfortable with she helped us find a compromise. (I know it’s a mess right?). Anyway, I do want this date. I want the timeline to mean something, but should I let him email the CEO? It could also be viewed as a boundary crossing, so maybe thats bad?
27 comments posted: Wednesday, December 13th, 2023
Letter of apology?
My husband and I discussed sending the OM a letter of apology. I am glad that he feels remorse and cares about the OBS but I wonder whether it would be painful for the OBS. My question is for any BS but particularly for the men because I don’t know if some men would not want this. I can say that I would have appreciated a letter of apology from the married OW. It would not likely restore my opinion of her but it would set something right in the world for me.
Does anyone have an opinion of whether this is a good idea?
14 comments posted: Tuesday, September 26th, 2023
Feeling in a bit of a crisis…been shaking which hasn’t happened in a long time. My husband is over in our in-law house writing the timeline. I feel like I’m gonna throw up. Part of me wants to run over and put him out of his misery—not with a gun, just telling him he doesn’t actually have to do it. But I know he has to do it. He has been promising it for 9 months. Cheating was almost 8 years ago but only came clean that it was physical last summer. I had always just thought they were inappropriately friendly. I’m not nervous of what he will say because I highly highly doubt he will reveal more now. We have gone over the extensive details zillions of times. But the idea of him writing this is somehow so incredibly upsetting. Was it for anyone else? I didn’t realize how scary it would be.
I asked him to try not to write « we » whenever possible. I realize that is kind of pathetic. How can he not write « we » and actually tell the story. I’m just horrified at the prospect of reading sentences that start with « we ». I’m horrified at the prospect of reading it at all. Do some BS not actually read it?
38 comments posted: Wednesday, September 13th, 2023
Am I being a jerk
So there was one thing I asked my husband to do to make things easier for me. His A was 7 years ago but I only found out it was physical 7 months ago, and it has been very rocky. To help with triggers a month or so ago I asked him to make a particular change in his day. In each of the five offices he visits there are three or four empty private offices where the doctors keep their stuff, go on their computers, eat their lunch etc. They are not assigned but everyone has their spot. For the last 15 years or so my husband had a particular room in office B and office M. Those are the two offices where the kissing occurred during the A with his secretary. So I asked that he not use those offices. This is a VERY easy thing to do as there are only one or two docs at each site and thus there are multiple empty office choices. They do not see patients in these rooms. So last week I FaceTime him at lunch at office B and sure enuf he is using the office where stuff occurred. Okay, so he’s so sorry, was a mistake didn’t think about it. I’m like, no problem, let’s just not do that okay? Cause it’s mean to me and it hurts. He says of course of course. Problem solved. Today I FaceTime him at office M. It is his birthday and I want to say happy bday. But…of course…he is in the bad office in Office M, where the most severe cheating occurred. WTF. Why does he not get this. Then I am the bad guy because I’m upset but it’s his birthday so I say forget it. Just have a happy bday etc. Why can he not do these things. I just don’t understand. Yes he is very busy and yes this was a habit he developed over years but still. Again he is so so sorry and upset with himself. Would love to hear from WSs whether they made mistakes like this and why.
39 comments posted: Friday, March 10th, 2023