I'm frankly appalled that your BW told you those details unless you asked her to give you specifics (and that seems unlikely when she hasn't even disclosed the time frame of her affair). Volunteering sexual memories in a casual or nostalgic way indicates a total lack of remorse, IMO.
I know, right. She mentioned these things voluntarily, as if I'd be happy for her having so much fun with this guy.
Assuming youve required all the information about the affair, how is it that she has not told you how long it went? This puzzles me. Did she refuse? Were you afraid to ask? I dont see how you could ever move forward with R without knowing this basic information. Can you elaborate?
I questioned her but she denied whatever I could not prove. So I am not sure how long the affair lasted or if it was the only one. As for her sharing the details, no, I didn't ask for specifics. When this started I was in the Air Force stationed in Illinois, she was in Georgia and was in the Florida Air National Guard. Her AP was the commander of the guard unit. Anyway, after first finding out, when I thought we were trying to work things out, I had some sexual phone conversations with my wife, it was during these conversations she volunteered sexual details of her and this guy. And as far as how long it went on, she denied it at every step until it was clear I knew and it was beyond doubt. I knew when it started, I knew it was still going on 6 months later. After that I could't prove anything.
I hoped we were going to be OK but there were comments she made at times that revealed she still wanted him, stuff like " her friend saying she had a big clit, how her toes curled when she had an orgasm" or how her friend was rougher than normal one time.
She made this comment to you, or did you read that in an affair email? If she said that to you, again, I dont know how you get past that. As toxic as this issue was in my first marriage, she never ever made any comments like this indicating that her sex with him was fabulous/superior. Had she done so, it would have been the immediate death knell of our attempted
She volunteered the information, and that's one of the things that bothers me, what was she thinking, I would be happy she enjoyed sex with him so much?
I, too, am concerned that you say you're missing some info about your W's A. It's impossible to R without complete honesty, from bot BS and WS, and if you don't even know how long the A was, you're missing some info. I can understand being very unhappy with your W.
Gently, you're the one with the pain. You're the one who needs to change what you're doing. You'll stay unhappy unless you take some action to get happy, or at least to get out of unhappiness.
What's holding you back?
That's the big question. This all happened a long time ago, 1999-2003. I know she was cheating between Dec. 1999 and June 2000. She saw this guy on her ANG weekend duty once a month. He was stationed there until Sep. 2002. So the affair could have lasted 2 1/2 years. After that, was there someone else? I don't know. She retired from the ANG in April 2004, opportunities after that would have been tricky.
Now it's on me, I stayed with her, I guess I thought once we got past this, after 2004, we could get over it all. Hasn't worked out that way. Maybe it's on me now, not being able to forget. But part of it is our relationship has been distant, sex infrequent, no passion, nothing to compare what I suspect, and to a degree, know what she had with him.
[This message edited by flang at 6:34 PM, Saturday, March 11th]