SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

That being said- when someone agrees to be monogamous, they agree to give up that option to go and have sex with other people, so they've made the choice to have sex with only one person forever.

Otherwise known as marital fidelity.

I guess it's too late to report OM to the inspector General and get him court marshaled, and perhaps reduce or take away his pension but who knows. He was in a superior position and in violation of the UCMJ.

At the very least did you expose the OM to his wife or SO. It's not too late to clean up that detail, or confront the OM.

Malibu Bay Breeze

When I have mind movies of my WH and his LTA AP that still occasionally pop into my head randomly it's never about them professing feelings towards each other, it's always about them having sex. My mind will conjure up images so graphic and so real it's as if I'm standing in the room with them and it hurts even now 7 years past Dday.

Same.

Except in my case, the AP was my best friend of 20 years, so I don’t have to imagine anything about him. Also, many of the places they had sex, I spent a lot of time there, too, so I also don’t have to imagine that at all. The realism this actual familiarity imparts to the resulting mind movies is excruciating.

I feel your pain, I hear you.

Did your W ever talk with you about making sex better, flang? If so, how did you respond?

Our sex life didn’t satisfy her.

What if this were true, and you knew it, but she didn’t respond by cheating? What do you do with that information? Seriously: what if a person DOESN’T sexually satisfy their spouse? Is that something, in EVERY case, that automatically can’t be gotten over?

First let me say that the sex part for me was the biggest obstacle I had in reconciliation. Even after 25 years of marriage at the time, and 5 years after, she wasn’t my loving wife. The sex she had with him was so different than what we had. More anal in a few weeks than we had in 25 years. This among the other things she did turned her into the women you see in a porn movie. Not my wife but some sex crazy slut.

For her it was new and exciting at first, but In the end it turned into a nightmare of degradation that she couldn’t get out of.

As for it being sexually satisfying, in that sense it wasn’t. He always had to be home, so the trysts were short. He didn’t do any oral on her, very limited foreplay, and no holding or real passion. Slam bam thank you ma’am. She said she might have orgasmed once in the beginning, and then he turned to the harder stuff and nothing.

I’m not some porn star, but I had a high percentage of bringing her to orgasm. It was a combination of lots of foreplay, touching, oral, and we had time to get each other to the point of satisfaction. So in that sense, our sex life was far more satisfying. The sad thing was she never got to that point again. After the affair, not much foreplay, no oral as it disgusted me after I found out I did it only hours after she was with him, and the whole thing was basically done when I was. She said she still orgasmed but I’m pretty sure she was faking it. And I really didn’t care.

The point is maybe the sex was new and exciting for her, but not always satisfying. The orgasm she mentioned might have been a one off. How does it feel when you are with her now? Does she have any complaints? Does it feel like she is satisfied?

Most WW downplay the sex with the AP. Especially if the have half a brain and want to keep the marriage. It is kind of shocking she said those things. Did you confront, or did she try to walk it back?

You are totally normal to fixate on the sex. It may not be a good thing, but I don’t know many men who wouldn’t.

Edited to add, not proud of how I treated the sex. I hated myself for it. It was another one of the reasons I divorced. Neither of us should have had to live with passionless sex

[This message edited by waitedwaytoolong at 11:02 AM, Monday, March 13th]

Wiseoldfool

I'm sorry you suffered a double betrayal. I can't even imagine the AP being a best friend of mine. Lends credence to the "with friends like that who needs enemies" motto.

The realism of the mind movies for me is brought forth first and foremost by my WH. I know him, I know what it's like to sleep with him. As for the AP thanks to finding some leftover "sorry I forgot those were on there" graphic selfies of hers on our home computer 10 months after Dday it left both little and much to the imagination. I know what she looks like up close and way too personal so when those moments strike it's way too vivid.

If I'm not mistaken it's a form of PTSD. Just another gift bestowed upon us by our unfaithful spouses.

At the very least did you expose the OM to his wife or SO. It's not too late to clean up that detail, or confront the OM.

No, I considered it but decided not to contact his wife. I know many feel that's doing her wrong. But think about it. Nobody told me, but I knew something was wrong. So I took it upon myself to find out. Isn't that true with most in our situation, you can feel it. I think the same was probably true with her, and if she really wanted to know she could have taken steps to find out.

I think the same was probably true with her, and if she really wanted to know she could have taken steps to find out.

And yet you barely here, in the company of internet strangers, seeking advice and guidance. We come here as part of this community to seek help because we have been deeply traumatized; we stay because we finally get to a place where we can help others, some a little some a lot. We do it because it's the right thing to do.

I think you need to revisit your position on the other BS, because from where I sit, it sounds like you're in it just for you (I had it tough so everybody should). She is an innocent party in all of this and deserves compassion, help, but most of all agency. I know you are hurting, and it takes time to process, but really think about this.

No, I considered it but decided not to contact his wife.

Wrong answer. Flat-out the diametric opposite of what you should do. Contacting the OBW is the morally right thing to do. I won't be the first to heap opprobrium on you for this. Your reasoning is a cop-out. A low-key species of rug sweeping, really.

No, I considered it but decided not to contact his wife. I know many feel that's doing her wrong. But think about it. Nobody told me, but I knew something was wrong. So I took it upon myself to find out. Isn't that true with most in our situation, you can feel it. I think the same was probably true with her, and if she really wanted to know she could have taken steps to find out.

Respectfully, couldnt disagree more. If it hadnt been for another friend that exposed the dual betrayal by my then wife and ex best friend, I would not have known. I will always and forever be indebted to him for exposing it and Ive told him so. At a bare minimum, it is a humanitarian gesture, at the most, an act of empathy and, I daresay, kindness in the long run.

There is a very well known poster here who had no clue as to his wifes clandestine affair/sexual meet ups which were done when the kids were at school and he was at work. He found out due to a family member seeing them together against all odds in a city of many millions. I am not picking on her. It is very common that adulterous spouses get very good at deception (until their cover is blown, then they fall apart many times). This, of course leads to even more shock/trauma for the betrayed spouse after exposure, i.e. "How did I not know?" The feeling of being a complete schmuck who was duped by the closest person on the earth to the betrayed is just one of the hammer blows that lead to the adultery KO.

As to the deception, its like living with a f'ing decepticon. Truly. They can be that good at affair cloak and dagger.

I say all that to say, its not too late to let her know. My vote: tell her.

ETA: The issue of possible life altering STDs alone is almost an imperative to inform her imo.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 4:11 PM, Monday, March 13th]

Pardon my bluntness, but of all the bullshit reasons not to tell the OBS, "Nobody told me and she probably knows anyway" has to be the worst one.

My ex turned my brain to Swiss cheese with his lies and gaslighting. I had my suspicions and snooped, but never found any smoking gun... so I let my heart convince me that the man I loved and who swore fidelity to me before God wasn't doing anything wrong, even though he was hurting me.

Meanwhile, there were dozens of people--his coworkers, family members, mutual friends-- who knew what was going on and no one cared enough about me or could muster the testicular fortitude to give me the facts of what was happening to me. I say "to" because their apathy felt like I had a bunch of people watching someone secretly poison me over an extended period of time and said, "I'm sure she'll figure it out at some point."

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 3:10 PM, Monday, March 13th]

I agree with Double, et.al. You should really tell the other BS.

OK, got it. Basically you're saying I have a moral obligation to tell his spouse, that about right?
So, if there's no room for doing otherwise consider this hypothetical situation.
Your sister confides in you she had an affair a number of years ago, it's been over for a while, she never told her husband. You say she really needs to tell him, she says no, we've been very happy, I'm not telling him
Well, you have no choice, you're going to tell her husband. You are morally obligated to tell him, aren't you?

Exactly, the sister has to tell.

OK, got it. Basically you're saying I have a moral obligation to tell his spouse, that about right?
So, if there's no room for doing otherwise consider this hypothetical situation.
Your sister confides in you she had an affair a number of years ago, it's been over for a while, she never told her husband. You say she really needs to tell him, she says no, we've been very happy, I'm not telling him
Well, you have no choice, you're going to tell her husband. You are morally obligated to tell him, aren't you?

If my Sister was disgusting and dumbass enough to pull that, then yes, my response would be, "You tell him now or I will." But we are not dealing with hypotheticals are we? This a real individual that is in harms way emotionally and possibly physically. The only question is, will you do the decent thing?

This is not a hypothetical exercise for me. My actual brother-in-law knew my ex was cheating and never told me. He decided it was OK for my ex to keep lying to me. He chose to believe that I was perfectly happy because that quieted his conscience (assuming he even had one). His silence-- and the silence of other bystanders and enablers-- cost me years of my life and quite a bit of my sanity.

Also, how is this hypothetical scenario is relevant to your situation? OM is your wife's coworker; he's not someone to whom you are tied by bounds of blood, friendship, or love. If you don't want tell OBS because you hate confrontation, you're afraid your wife would be angry with you, or you're indifferent to the plight of the OBS, at least be honest with yourself... but don't try to fool yourself into thinking you're doing the OBS a favor.

Also, how is this hypothetical scenario is relevant to your situation? OM is your wife's coworker; he's not someone to whom you are tied by bounds of blood, friendship, or love.

It's not relevant, I was using it to see if in fact this must notify the AP's BS had any exceptions, if people could see there may be circumstances that'd make them reconsider. Nothing is absolute. To automatically follow a course of action without careful thought on all the consequence of said action is never, NEVER, wise.

Of course, it's a good thing to think through the consequences of your actions. There are exceptions to rules... but rules themselves aren't based on exceptions.

You didn't cite any specific concern regarding telling the OBS other than you thought she should just figure it out on her own and that you assumed she was happy not knowing. There were no extenuating circumstances for us to factor into our advice.

Based on our experiences as BSs and the information you provided, we pointed out the fault in your line of reasoning, which denies an innocent person of her agency and possibly enables ongoing abuse to continue.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 7:30 PM, Monday, March 13th]

People here offering advice on your situation and your response is to deflect and bicker based on a hypothetical that has nothing to do with you situation. Seriously? That, my friend, is a hallmark of an avoidant personality. Which perhaps explains why you find yourself still in purgatory years after the fact.

To be clear, in your specific circumstance, you are wrong in not telling the OBW. And your stated reasons for not telling are, well, I'd use an epithet that begins will "bull" and ends with "hit", but since we're in polite company I'll simply describe them as all kinda messed up. The stuff of an avoidant personality. You wanna chase your tail and continue to suffer, be my guest. We are here giving you suggestions on how to get yourself at least partly out of your self-created vortex. I guess this thread proves that adage about leading a horse to water and all that.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 9:24 PM, Monday, March 13th]