The sex matters

I'm surprised when I read how some BS are able to dismiss their WS sex with their lovers and seem to say it's the emotional betrayal that bothers them more. I don't know, maybe they're one and the same. Let me ask, what is marriage if not a promise of fidelity? If sex isn't exclusively for your spouse what is the point? Makes the BS no better than any other friend.
So getting past my wife having sex with others has been near impossible for me. I found out about her affair when I read some emails between them. I suspected for while before then, but there it was. The emails were graphic and left no doubt how eager she was to do things with him that she denied me. Some have described it a mind movies, picturing them together. Our sex life did pick up for a while then and I hoped we were going to be OK but there were comments she made at times that revealed she still wanted him, stuff like " her friend saying she had a big clit, how her toes curled when she had an orgasm" or how her friend was rougher than normal one time.
That was years ago. We are still together but it hasn't been good. I don't know how long they were together. Could have been as long as 2 1/2 years, he retired from the Air Force unit they were both assigned to.
Which also means it is possible she would have continued seeing him but couldn't.
Back to the sex part, can't help but feel her reasons were she loved sex with him. And knowing how eager she was to be with him, contrasting that with her indifference to me, that hasn't gone away.

80 comments posted: Tuesday, March 14th, 2023

highlighting text

When copying part of a post to reference in a reply, how do you hight that copied text? I see them highlighted a darker shade, can't figure out how that's done.

4 comments posted: Saturday, March 11th, 2023

WS sexual relations with lover

If you knew your WS had engaged in sexual activities that weren't part of your relations would you expect them to do so with you as a condition of reconciliation?

13 comments posted: Sunday, February 26th, 2023

acronyms

Not sure what some of the acronyms used in the posts mean, are they listed somewhere on the site?

1 comment posted: Sunday, February 26th, 2023

Reflections on decisions made

Hello. I've read a few posts but this is my first submission. I want to add my thoughts on two things, deciding to stay with a cheating spouse and, second, whether or not to contact the spouse of my wife's lover.

It's been more than 20 years since I found out my wife was having an affair.

I was in the military, we were living in Georgia, I got reassigned to a base in Illinois. My wife stayed in Georgia, said she had a decent civil service job and was in the Florida National Guard. I had 2 years left in service so it didn't make sense for her to give up her job or transfer to a Guard unit in Illinois. Fine. Turns out she was seeing someone who was also the the Florida National Guard. So one weekend each month they'd have their fun. I found out, spent the next six months traveling back and forth to Georgia as often as I could trying to fix things between us. Then I learned she was still seeing him. About that time I turned down a promotion and retired from the military, moved back to Georgia hoping it'd work out. I don't know if she kept on seeing him after that, I suspect she did. He retired from the Guard two years later, so it could have gone on for more than a year after I went back to Georgia.

Looking back I realize she made a choice when she continued the affair after I first found out, she was choosing him over me. Continuing the affair was a risk to our marriage, she had to know that. But she continued. I now believe she was in love with this guy. But he was married too and I'm guessing he wasn't willing to end his marriage. If he was I think she would had left me. And I think I just didn't want to accept she wasn't "in love" with me any more.

So here we are, more than 20 years later. We are, for the most part, cordial and polite with each other. Not much more. She decided to use a separate bedroom a long time ago, probably before or when she was having the affair. We are married, legally. Our relationship is far from loving. The result, it hurts to this day. I think about it most every day. I wish I'd made a different choice, accepted the promotion and stayed in the military back then. Now, I guess neither of us has been willing to suffer the financial consequences of a divorce at this point in or lives. Maybe that'll change.

Oh well. The second part, I did not contact this guys wife to tell her about the affair. I thought about it, still do some times. But I know it was my wife who did this to me. This guy is irrelevant. Sure, I'd love it if he had to feel some of the hurt I've been feeling, but his wife and kids? I don't want to be the one who brings that to them. So I'll leave that to karma, maybe fate will get him for me.

20 comments posted: Thursday, February 23rd, 2023