Newest Member: Notarunnerup

Darkness Falls

WS - remarried to BH but not in R D-day 2010

My H complained, again, that...

....we are not “in a relationship like we should be” and that that’s why our special-needs child was upset this morning.

First of all, no it’s likely not. She almost 100% certainly doesn’t know we’re not in a relationship, or even what a “relationship” IS.

I looked at him, kind of dumbfounded, and asked why I would want to be in a relationship with him when things between us are the way they are? He came back with, why do you think things are the way they are?! (meaning, because we’re not in a relationship).

The point of this story is that it looks like we’re actually going to have to have a formal discussion about all these issues. And—I’m being totally conflict-avoidant here—I don’t want to have that discussion. Having that discussion will release a whole litany of complaints about our relationship, from before our first child was born.

I feel my complaints are justified. However, I know he has justified complaints of his own about me too. The trouble is, there is no resolution to any of the complaints. He has informed me, both when we were married the first time and now this time, that he values authenticity and honesty above all. He is not interested in sex, or marriage, if I don’t authentically desire those things with him. I do not, and I would be an abject liar if I went along and said or acted as if I did just to keep the peace.

I know we should get divorced. But we are not in a financial position to do so at this time, and even contemplating ripping apart my two very young children’s two-parent home paralyzes me with fear for them and their future.

If money were no object and neither of us had to work outside the home, and straight 50/50 custody was possible, I would make the leap and do it—tomorrow—but of course that’s not reality. He works an extremely demanding schedule and rarely sees them. In less than a month, we will transition to ME working the demanding schedule and him being the primary caregiver, and then *I* will barely see them. Adding to that the work hours (nonnegotiable) and how that fits in with when daycare closes and my SN child’s therapy schedule (also nonnegotiable) and I have no idea how it would even be doable without both of us in the home.

It’s a total nightmare. I guess I’m not really looking for much advice; just venting.

38 comments posted: Friday, December 18th, 2020

How do you afford it?

So I want to start getting my ducks in a row to be able to leave this marriage in 3-4 years or so. I just feel paralyzed and stuck when I try to make a plan.

My primary concern, besides the emotional wellbeing of my kids, is financial. I’ve been with my employer for a decade and a half. Going full time would provide a comfortable standard of living but the hours are such that I couldn’t adequately care for my children. The hours go beyond the end of school/aftercare/daycare being open and private babysitters cost a fortune. One of my kids has special needs so can’t go to daycare or an after-school program anyway, even if it worked out with the potential work hours (which it doesn’t). She also couldn’t be left with just any old regular babysitter. I have no family in the state.

I feel that changing jobs isn’t a good option because a.) I have significant seniority with my current company; b.) I’d run into the same childcare issues no matter where I worked, and c.) I couldn’t make the money I could make at my current company anywhere else, plus my job provides free healthcare.

My H works for the same company and currently has the hours that I would be looking at if I were to go full time, so he wouldn’t be able to pick up the childcare slack—as it is now, I do 80/90% of the childcare because of his hours—which of course I’m fine with, but I feel it puts me—and the children—in a real predicament in the case of a divorce.

What can I do? My current hours do not give me a living wage for even just myself, let alone me plus two kids—it’s doable now as part of a married couple/intact family, but something would have to change in a single-parent situation. I just don’t know what.

29 comments posted: Thursday, August 13th, 2020

I’m curious about something

Betrayed wives and wayward wives both get physically abused by their husbands. Yet I’ve never seen a BW excuse it, yet almost EVERY WW does. Why is this? It makes me sad to think a woman feels there is anything that justifies them being hit by their spouse.

Edited to clarify: I mean the WW being hit excuses it. Not that all WW think it’s OK on behalf of other WW who are victims of physical violence.

[This message edited by Darkness Falls at 6:57 PM, April 15th (Wednesday)]

55 comments posted: Wednesday, April 15th, 2020

10 years

March 6, 2010 was the day my husband caught me cheating. Our divorce was final just over two months later.

We’ve been remarried now for a few years and have had two children. If I could have a do-over, I would not have remarried him, but I was desperate for atonement of some sort and felt like I “owed” him, I guess (getting back together was his suggestion). Obviously I hadn’t done nearly enough work in IC at that point.

But our children are very young, one of whom with developmental disability, and the mortgage and bills and me only working part-time. Divorce isn’t feasible at this time.

I just wanted to post to mark a decade since life fell apart (the first time) for both of us. In another ten years—hopefully much less than that, actually—I will be in a different place in life.

14 comments posted: Friday, March 6th, 2020

Fyi from the crazy cat lady

I'm sitting in the recliner singing along to Brad Paisley's "I'm Still A Guy" in an exaggerated country accent and my cat came across the room and laid in my lap. Guess she's a sucker for it.

5 comments posted: Saturday, February 28th, 2015

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