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Me: BW, my xH left me & DS after a 14 year marriage for the AP in 2014. Happily remarried and in an open/polyamorous relationship. DH (married 5 years) & DBF (dating 4 years). Cohabitating happily all together!! <3

Remembering Old Anniversaries

I am kind of surprised that I am affected as much this year, honestly. I don't think I've thought much of my xH in a long time, other than in the occasional conversation with Kiddo. (xH lives in another country and hasn't seen Kiddo in person for nearly two years now and rarely calls him).

A couple of days ago would have been my twentieth wedding anniversary with xH. I was so young and full of hope, sure that we were smart and going to beat the odds against young marriages. We had a lovely destination wedding and at-home reception.

I am happily remarried now and would not take my xH back for anything. I know that my love life is much better now and that I have partners with whom I can be myself wholly. But a little part of me is sad that I will never reach those big wedding milestones with DH, simply because of age if nothing else.

It's kind of silly. I know intellectually that time doesn't mean a stronger or deeper connection, but part of me wishes that I'd have a shot at 50 or 60 years with DH so we could grow together like that. But if I had met DH when I was the age I met xH, we wouldn't have been good for each other, I know that. Plus then I wouldn't have my Kiddo.

I have more knowledge of myself now than I did at 18 when I met xH. I know I will continue to grow, but I have a much better handle on who I am and what I want, and how to handle issues- which means that my relationships are in a better place and have less conflict and more connection. I do not think that even if xH hadn't cheated and walked out, that I would have the deep connection with xH that is so important to me. I do have a strong and solid connection with DH, and working at growing it with DBF.

I guess part of me is just wistful that I'll never have the opportunity to see how my connection with DH would grow over that much time. I know that I love and appreciate him more with every passing year. I really know this time, that this is death do us part- we fit together like a lock and key. I know it couldn't have been any other way... but I guess I'll have to take quality over quantity.

Am I the only one who thinks things like this? I guess I still miss the innocence and being that young and thinking my whole life was ahead of me, too.

[This message edited by PSTI at 1:30 PM, March 10th (Wednesday)]

6 comments posted: Wednesday, March 10th, 2021

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