SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I know it’s a silly question, but for years I was serious about my vows. Even when we were dating I never cheated. Now that WH has been exposed I can’t help but feel that if I had cheated when I had chances, this pain wouldn’t be so bad.

I do think if I were the cheating kind, I probably wouldn’t have been as devastated as I was and am by my husband’s affair. Some of the depth of pain I’ve experience can be traced to the shattering of the vision I had of our relationship, and I wouldn’t have had that vision if I were a cheater myself.

But Lord, who wants that? I can live with this pain; my integrity is intact. That counts for a lot more to me than trying to lessen my pain.

I think Grieving's point is well made.

I also think that many BS have contemplated this idea.

I didn't give the "what if I'd had my own affair pre-Dday" very much thought, but it was a passing idea. For me, it was such a no-go. I knew that, if I'd gotten to the point of seriously contemplating an affair, I would have either realized it was time to leave the marriage first or I would have reached out for IC or MC. I also knew that it would have been crushing guilt for me.

What I contemplated more seriously was whether or not a revenge affair would make me feel better post Dday. The breezy, superficial thought seemed a a bit alluring--mostly because, like most WSs, my husband truly didn't get the depth of the devastation he'd created.

Sure, he was apologetic and scared about what I might do. But he was still very much focused on himself--his shame, how the fallout would impact him, and how to control the outcome to make it best case scenario for him He lacked true empathy and was still self-centered. The idea of MAKING him feel empathy by mirroring his actions was tempting.

But, when I mentally chased that idea all of the way down, I knew that I couldn't really do it. I couldn't use someone else as a pawn in my revenge game. I knew I would feel guilty. And there was a healthy portion of wanting to maintain the "moral high ground" so that he would continue to feel guilt and shame...and fear. I was suffering, and, even if he wasn't really empathizing with my pain, at least he was suffering too.

I think the other thing that held me back from a revenge affair was that--even though my fWH was far from feeling true empathy early on--he did stop the affair immediately and also he didn't do any blame transfer. He owned it was all his decision (never blamed the A partners and never blamed me or the marriage). He owned He was broken and that he'd tried to "fix" himself in a very messed up way.

As much gaslighting and trickle truthing as he DID do about the details of the affairs, he never gaslighted me about ending them or about what caused them. So, my ego didn't take the same hit that some betrayed spouses struggle with post-Dday.

If those conditions hadn't been true, the revenge affair would have been more tempting.

Early on, my IC asked me if I could, would I switch places with my WW? It was an unequivocal no. Not only would the guilt be soul-crushing, but it would force me to betray my core values. Yeah, I had my short lived, I'll show you, ideas about an RA, but it was just foolish thoughts on my part.

Five years out, I can hold my head high and feel good about myself. Although there is a chance my EXWW might grow and change, it is unlikely. Her choice to cheat will be a defining feature of her narrative as are the choices she made afterwards. And, as my MIL has informed me, these haunt her even now. These are amplified by the smallish city we live in, as I'm certain there are triggers everywhere.

I have regrets, but no ghosts that haunt me from my M. So I guess I'm lucky that way.

My car was once stolen.
Never had any urge to steal someones vehicle to get "even".

I did not wish I had an affair but it did make me want to get some type of revenge. I knew though, because of who I am, I could never go through with emotional or physical affair of any kind. I had an old co-worker who hit on me numerous times, I could have easily cheated with before and after I found out about my WH but I never considered it.

As much as revenge sounds "nice" in the heat of the moment, I know I am not the type to do that. Plus, it wouldn't help anything. I can't be mad or disappointed with him for his mistakes, if I make the same ones.

The thought that 2 wrongs will make a right in this specific type of wrong probably occurs to almost every BS.

My initial thought was that any RA should be like my W's A, which would mean cheating with a male or with a woman who was very unattractive to me (though she was obviously attractive to my W and OBH). I couldn't see getting much from either option. Besides, much of my pain came from being blindsided, and an RA can't blindside a WS.

Later, I realized that my W had cheated as a way of confronting her pain and her dysfunction but ended up adding to her pain. Now she had to deal with a bigger problem than she started with. That was not a path I was interested in choosing.

Early on, I was taught that BS heals BS, WS heals WS, and together they heal the M. A madhatter has to heal as both BS and WS - and I'm convinced it's easier by far to heal only as a BS than as a madhatter.

For the 1st 40 years of our relationship, I feared I'd fuck up by cheating, because I like women and sex. I never did. I had lots of chances, especially as a road warrior, and I have no regrets about rejecting all of them.

I wich I weren't a BS. I'm happy I'm not a WS.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:26 PM, Tuesday, January 24th]

No I never see any justification for an A. They are destructive to everyone around. I’m very proud of my integrity and my M. I protect both with hard boundaries.

Right after Dday my WW still in her mindset offed me a "hall pass". It offended me because that would not be a make right. I told her I don’t need it because if I D, I do as I please without her permission.

I get the point, I think, I mean If I cheated first I would be a hypocrite to be so shocked and in pain as I am now, I wouldn't have a leg to stand on almost if not definitely deserving it. As far as revenge affairs, nothing will ever erase the shock and trauma of what I now know so why bother.

I'm pretty sure I would have felt this way, but my WW left me for the AP. I got into a new sexual relationship fairly quickly thereafter. It felt great having sex with somebody new, without baggage from the affair. Totally liberating and refreshing.

No, I have never wished I had cheated too, and like many others have said, I'm not the cheating type. I have strong core values and I could not have lived with the deception or the guilt. But. I do regret the loneliness and isolation and self criticism his treatment of me cost, that I allowed myself to endure because I didn't realize what game he was playing and the actual rules of our marriage. I don't think I would have chosen to live in the arrangement he tricked me into for a decade had I known and I would never have chosen the following five years of additional heartache trying to piece back together something worth having with someone who hurt me so easily for so long. It is a lot of pain to process, but it helps me to stand strong in the comfort of owning my life and my choices and maintaining my integrity.

I wish I had known that finding excitement, fulfillment and affirmation elsewhere was a choice available to me, because I never considered straying, ever. I regret all the settling and lowered expectations I accepted to accommodate what I thought was a normal long term marriage evolution and mid-life progression. I wonder what my life would be like had I understood the game and likely chosen to end my marriage to find happiness with someone who truly cared for me and appreciated what I brought to the table, someone I could trust, while I had so much to offer as a companion for all those years. But no, I never regret remaining faithful and loyal, even if it wasn't deserved or reciprocated.

Your pain will lessen with time, more than you think it should take, and it will shift to anger, indignation and a host of other feelings. Fasten your seatbelt and hold tight to the person you know yourself to be. Don't let your WH's actions drag you to his level. It feels really good to be able to hold your head high, especially after navigating all the crazy that infidelity brings to your life. Take care.

[This message edited by whatisloveanyway at 5:45 PM, Tuesday, January 24th]

For me no, but I understand if others at least 'imagine' what this would be like. I've been cheated on in my marriage and in other series relationships so I know how painful it can be. I would never want to do that to anyone else. Plus in my marriage I never had any desire to do so.

As someone who is a madhatter, I would highly recommend against more folks joining that club. Sure, if there is an upside to such a scenario (that is a crazy sentence to even think about), you both know what it feels like to be cheated on and to cheat, but we all know how bad that sucks as a BS, it doesn't lessen the pain or experience just because you have also been a WS at some point as well.

I used to fantasise about how I’d make WH think I’ve forgiven him and I’m over his affair, make him feel completely comfortable and then BAM! Have an affair. I knew that cheating immediately after dday would just level the playing field and he even told me to go sleep with someone else if I thought it helped. That’s how much he cared in the immediate aftermath.

Once I woke up from those raw revenge feelings I realised that using my own body, morals and values to get revenge is a bit counterproductive in the big scheme of things.

I truly think that revenge is a life well lived regardless if you Reconcile or divorce.

As a BS, do you wish you had had your own affairs?

Nope. Of course after dday I thought about it for a half a second (I think a lot/most BS's probably do), but I just don't have it in me to cheat. My principles and integrity are part of my core being and I wouldn't give those up for any one or any reason. Plus if I did, it would make me no better than my xwh, and I very much enjoy holding the moral high ground; probably not the healthiest, but it's true for me.

I can live with this pain my integrity is intact.

This! So much this. No matter what happens between me and my WS, I will always have to live with myself.

Personally, I didn't beat myself up for not cheating, I beat myself up for staying. I had ignored red flags since 1994, but I chose to overlook them and allow myself to be manipulated into staying several times over the years.

I knew my having an affair would not hurt my Husband the way his affair hurt me. Still hurts me. I loved him more. Our marriage had more value to me. He apparently would have been ok having sex with other women and knowing that, and still going about our lives like we were married and committed. That is my worst nightmare. What I want from a marriage is something real. Honesty and loyalty that I can count on no matter what. True love- as in acts of love, the actions required to protect our marriage and each other. Obviously he did not care about the same things, and did not want that level of truth and connection from a marriage. So I don’t think I could hurt him by betraying him that way.

Crossed my mind, couldn’t imagine doing it on purpose. But I honestly don’t think my WW ever had a day where she purposely did it (in that sense, signing up for Ashley Madison type of thing). I hear a lot of us talking about our core values, but I guarantee you my wife would have said something similar pre-A. I struggle with the question of whether I’d ever get into one. I’ve been very careful in my boundaries to never get anywhere close to one, maybe just instinctively knowing how bad it would be (and in reality I had no idea how bad it would be before actually experiencing it). I’ve read that it has a lot to do with just opportunity. But given the common traits of conflict avoidance and lack of introspection that seem to be repeat features of our wandering partners, I think it’s more than just random chance. It’s really hard for me to imagine myself having an affair, but that could just be pride.

No chance. And I don't think I'm a Saint.

It took me a while to build my own healthy personal borders, but I didn't cheat because I didn't want to cause any pain to the person I loved

I think my wife failed herself in a lot of ways, and me and our family, but she didn't wake up one morning hoping to self-destruct the way she did. Nor did she set out to hurt me. The trap or the first lie so many WS tell themselves in that what the BS doesn't know can't hurt them.

There is no revenge by lowering my standards to cheat -- only more damage.

There is no way to balance the scales, so there isn't any way I could temporarily use another person in 'hopes' my wife feels similar pain.

I like that I held up my end of the deal, kept my honor intact.

When WH and I seperated I had two opportunites to have an A. I wouldnt even call them opportunities because nothing was ever going to happen. I value my body and myself.

One of those circumatances I came across was a very good friend who recently came out of a long relationship. He managed to kiss my lips and I pushed him away. He was in a dark place and I guess so was I but I think I was abit more aware of my surroundings then he was. I didnt have to but later I did tell my WH of the situation. I guess I felt guilty that he kissed me?

The second circumstance was a colleague who admitted that he really liked me. He knew I was married but he thought he would share that bit of information. I never ever saw him more than just a colleague and maybe a friend? We saw each other every day as we worked together but that was it. WH did mention to me a few times that this colleague seemed too close to me. Well he was close but as a colleague. I didnt read any other signs.

I never acted on any of these circumstances. I dont believe in betraying the person I loved and adored. Its not in my nature. Ive never seen or heard of an infidelity in my real (not the movies) life until I had gone through it myself.