OBO -- Have you considered the possibility that the friend of your WW's who invited you to read sexy stuff to her in bed (I'd suggest Anais Nin rather than Shakespeare) was actually put up to this by your WW? If I were a betting man, I'd put my money on that hypothesis. I envision your WW's friend having confided in your WW over the years that she finds you sexually attractive, and your WW now acting on this knowledge by giving her friend a "reverse hall pass" to go for it. In a twisted way, it's possible that your WW likely intended this as a secret act of kindness or a sort of twisted mercy toward you.
PizzaMyHeart
As to your thesis that long-term R with your WW would necessarily include a one-sided hall pass in your favor, forever. Certainly, parties to a marriage are free to define what their commitment means in terms of sexual activity. There is a small sub-set of individuals who practice versions of ethical non-monogamy. Your concept of the permanent one-sided hall pass is a species of that. It's a more honest approach to the concept than that taken by your WW, who arrogated that right to herself in secret, and in a manner, I gather, which was a profound betrayal to you. Hers was a secret, one-sided open marriage. To stay in the marriage, you now want an expressly agreed-upon one-sided open marriage. I understand the logic completely. Unlike others here, I don't find that concept cockamamie in the least. But I do think it's a long shot to expect your WW to agree to it merely for the convenience of co-parenting in the context of an intact "on paper" marriage, rather than co-parenting as divorced single adults. At least it's not very common that we see a WW here, who is committed to R, agreeing to such a thing. You provide few details and don't really tell your story here, so any advice we give is, to some extent, shooting in the dark.
As to your larger question of "why monogamy", I do agree that in the US we seem to elevate romantic love and monogamous commitment more than most other cultures and nations around the world and through history. In particular, most of our peer developed western nations have a more relaxed approach to extramarital sex.
I think the answer is that our nation's focus on romance derives from our restless, peripatetic spirit. The nation was founded by people who got onto flimsy, super-dangerous small wooden sailing vessels to cross the incredibly dangerous North Atlantic ocean, journeying to a place they had never been, a place none of their parents nor siblings had seen, knowing that, in the leaving, they would probably never again see their childhood home nor any of the family left behind. The nation was spread by people who put all of their belongings into a Calistoga wagon to cross the Great Plains, the Rocky Mountains, the Sierra, on foot, facing all manner of dangers, again to reach a place they had never seen. Nowadays, young people all the time put their belongings in a U-Haul and move across the nation to find their fortune. I did precisely that, at age 21, with my then-GF, who later became my WW.
In the doing, we couple up and we rely totally and completely on the commitment and fortitude of our partner. Once we reach our destination, we must hit the ground running, and our success in the new land depends 100% on the unflagging commitment of our spouse. Fundamentally, we are a romantic nation. Mobility, both geological and economic, is infused in the American weltanschauung. Mobility is fraught with risk and difficulty and it is highly isolating. Its success often depends upon having a partner upon whom one can rely. A newly relocated couple is typically alone in the world, with little or no nearby support from extended family. Sexual infidelity in that context can undermine or destroy every aspect of one's life structure.
Compare to, say, Southern Italy, where social and economic structures have been set in stone for centuries. There, the same handful of rich families have been rich for generations. If you are born to a poor fisherman, you yourself are almost 100% likely to die a poor fisherman. Probably in the same house you were born in, or one nearby. Extended family remains in place and intact, offering a generous safety net and comfortable cushion against the vagaries of life, but almost no concept of mobility. You'll marry a schoolgirl from your village, whose parents and grandparents and great-grandparents were school chums with your parents and grandparents and great-grandparents. The two of you will not need one another in the way American couples need one another. Marriages there are at least in part business mergers between families, mainly to facilitate creating and raising progeny. You work cooperatively to do this, but you have a great deal of input and assistance from your joint extended families. Seeking a bit of extracurricular fun in that context does not afford any serious threat to the stability of the life of either spouse.
[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 3:05 AM, Thursday, February 16th]
