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Newest Member: Floralfog

Wayward Side :
I have lost everything, cheating on my wife. Is there ever hope after divorce? It's killing me

Topic is Sleeping.

Tanner ( Guide #72235) posted at 4:11 AM on Thursday, January 5th, 2023

Everyone has made very good points. One thing to consider is that you still look fondly on the AP. "She is beautiful" and you couldn’t resist how great she was, she was your fantasy. You should see her with total disgust, she was willing to help you abuse your W. She is not beautiful she totally dead inside. Anyone that is willing to interfere in a M is not a good person. You did not win a prize.

Your W is a badass and deserves better than being cheated on. Let her go and learn from this.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R BH M 32 years

posts: 2525   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8772142

Definedbygrace ( new member #80351) posted at 12:38 AM on Saturday, January 7th, 2023

My thoughts exactly. (What tanner wrote)

Your XBS has been thru hell and back again, if you truly care about her let her be. And work on yourself not with the intention of getting her back but so you can be a better father to your child or children and a better human being overall.

I hope your ex wife finds healing and you find your way to the best version of yourself.

[This message edited by Definedbygrace at 12:41 AM, Saturday, January 7th]

Me: BW64 (24 at time of betrayal)Him: FWH66 (26 at time of Adultery) DD: 3/86 FWS confessed to 14 month NSA PA with married Co worker, 6x for lunch time quickies between 10/82-11/83 Severely Retriggered 9/2021 Reconciled but still healing from trigger

posts: 19   ·   registered: May. 25th, 2022
id 8772440

MIgander ( member #71285) posted at 2:44 PM on Tuesday, January 10th, 2023

Hi Sansone,

Sorry to have you here, but now that you are, you're in a good place for healing and hope.

First step is accountability. It sounds like you're starting with IC, and that's good. It looks like you've struggled with drinking too. Getting into AA and getting a sponsor will be a great help- it will surround you with people looking to change their life for the better. Looking to gain accountability and grow. Once you have healed, it may give you future opportunity to give back in the form of sponsorship for yourself. You need people around you who are on this journey of self-discovery, growth and change to encourage you in your progress. It's enormously hard to do it alone. So don't do it alone.

I see that one of these men definitely has intentions, and it's not innocent by any means. I feel I should be trying t win her back, I should be trying to prove to her that in the future I would be a good husband. She doesn't need to be out in the world getting fucked by other men. She isn't that kind of woman.

What Bulcy said, THIS is misogynistic. You're telling her what she needs. How do you know this man has bad intentions for your wife? What defines a bad intention? Desire for a casual encounter? Desire for a relationship with her? None of those are bad in my book. None of those are any of your business any more. She is not your wife. She is only the mother of your child/children. That is the only way you get to look at her from now on. Each time you find yourself with these thoughts, change the channel. Say to yourself, "She is not my wife anymore. I do not get any say in her personal life." Then, find something else to do. Read here, watch the news, work out, take a walk.

Get a dog. Get a cat and play with it. All healthy forms of distraction. You need to rewire your brain to change your thinking. Pets are unconditionally loving creatures and their distraction, attention and the care you give them will help reroute your brain into healthier places than obsession over your ex.

Coming around to the paternity question, I would take the advice here of others and work with a lawyer to have it done. You say she's struggling with money and that your choices led her to that place. Establishing paternity would increase the support you give her. Do the right thing, demonstrate your ability to be honorable and trustworthy as a co-parent by arranging the paternity and being as generous with child support and spousal support as you reasonably can. There is no reason she should be working a night shift to provide for the children. You can make this happen for her by providing her with money to care for the bare necessities- food, rent and car payment. You can even see about going over and beyond by paying daycare, healthcare and all childcare (clothes, toys, furniture even) expenses. You can set up an HSA account where she can submit expense reimbursement for their medicine and doctor visits.

So, in review:
-Get into AA and find a sponsor
-Change the channel on intrusive thoughts of your ex and what YOU think is best for her
-Look at getting a pet, it will ease the loneliness and give you positive companionship
-Get the paternity test done
-Look at what the maximum support you can give to your ex is AND DO IT WITHOUT BEING ASKED.

All this will help YOU be able to look at YOURSELF and see a better person emerging from the ashes of the old broken one. It will help YOU gain your SELF TRUST AND ESTEEM back for yourself.

Your exW is no longer there to mirror you back to yourself in all your glory. It's time to face yourself Dorian Grey style and see yourself as you really are. Start with the person you are today, find out how you became this man who cheats and minimizes and allowed your wife to be betrayed in the most painful manner possible. THEN you can look forward to who YOU want to become. Hopefully it's a man YOU can respect and trust.

WW/BW Dday July 2019. BH/WH- multiple EA's. Back at it again- bantering w the younger woman. Lied about blocking phone calls and deleted texts. Carried on with her. Financial infidelity again- who says you only cheat with lovers?

posts: 980   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8772740

Bulcy ( member #74034) posted at 4:43 PM on Tuesday, January 10th, 2023


How are you? It's been a little while since you posted, are you still reading the advice given? Hopefully you are and you will respond again when you're ready.

WH (40's) Me. Emotional affair (2017), Physical affair (2003) and online affairs, Two physical affairs (2000). D-Day's 2003, August '17, multiple discoveries through 2018,19 and 20, Jan 21 and 2022

posts: 271   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2020   ·   location: UK
id 8772762
Topic is Sleeping.
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