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Wayward Side :
I have lost everything, cheating on my wife. Is there ever hope after divorce? It's killing me

Topic is Sleeping.

Tanner ( Guide #72235) posted at 4:11 AM on Thursday, January 5th, 2023

Everyone has made very good points. One thing to consider is that you still look fondly on the AP. "She is beautiful" and you couldn’t resist how great she was, she was your fantasy. You should see her with total disgust, she was willing to help you abuse your W. She is not beautiful she totally dead inside. Anyone that is willing to interfere in a M is not a good person. You did not win a prize.

Your W is a badass and deserves better than being cheated on. Let her go and learn from this.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R BH M 32 years

posts: 3387   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8772142

Definedbygrace ( new member #80351) posted at 12:38 AM on Saturday, January 7th, 2023

My thoughts exactly. (What tanner wrote)

Your XBS has been thru hell and back again, if you truly care about her let her be. And work on yourself not with the intention of getting her back but so you can be a better father to your child or children and a better human being overall.

I hope your ex wife finds healing and you find your way to the best version of yourself.

[This message edited by Definedbygrace at 12:41 AM, Saturday, January 7th]

Me: BW64 (24 at time of betrayal)Him: FWH66 (26 at time of Adultery) DD: 3/86 FWS confessed to 14 month NSA PA with married Co worker, 6x for lunch time quickies between 10/82-11/83 Severely Retriggered 9/2021 Reconciled but still healing from trigger

posts: 19   ·   registered: May. 25th, 2022
id 8772440

MIgander ( member #71285) posted at 2:44 PM on Tuesday, January 10th, 2023

Hi Sansone,

Sorry to have you here, but now that you are, you're in a good place for healing and hope.

First step is accountability. It sounds like you're starting with IC, and that's good. It looks like you've struggled with drinking too. Getting into AA and getting a sponsor will be a great help- it will surround you with people looking to change their life for the better. Looking to gain accountability and grow. Once you have healed, it may give you future opportunity to give back in the form of sponsorship for yourself. You need people around you who are on this journey of self-discovery, growth and change to encourage you in your progress. It's enormously hard to do it alone. So don't do it alone.

I see that one of these men definitely has intentions, and it's not innocent by any means. I feel I should be trying t win her back, I should be trying to prove to her that in the future I would be a good husband. She doesn't need to be out in the world getting fucked by other men. She isn't that kind of woman.

What Bulcy said, THIS is misogynistic. You're telling her what she needs. How do you know this man has bad intentions for your wife? What defines a bad intention? Desire for a casual encounter? Desire for a relationship with her? None of those are bad in my book. None of those are any of your business any more. She is not your wife. She is only the mother of your child/children. That is the only way you get to look at her from now on. Each time you find yourself with these thoughts, change the channel. Say to yourself, "She is not my wife anymore. I do not get any say in her personal life." Then, find something else to do. Read here, watch the news, work out, take a walk.

Get a dog. Get a cat and play with it. All healthy forms of distraction. You need to rewire your brain to change your thinking. Pets are unconditionally loving creatures and their distraction, attention and the care you give them will help reroute your brain into healthier places than obsession over your ex.

Coming around to the paternity question, I would take the advice here of others and work with a lawyer to have it done. You say she's struggling with money and that your choices led her to that place. Establishing paternity would increase the support you give her. Do the right thing, demonstrate your ability to be honorable and trustworthy as a co-parent by arranging the paternity and being as generous with child support and spousal support as you reasonably can. There is no reason she should be working a night shift to provide for the children. You can make this happen for her by providing her with money to care for the bare necessities- food, rent and car payment. You can even see about going over and beyond by paying daycare, healthcare and all childcare (clothes, toys, furniture even) expenses. You can set up an HSA account where she can submit expense reimbursement for their medicine and doctor visits.

So, in review:
-Get into AA and find a sponsor
-Change the channel on intrusive thoughts of your ex and what YOU think is best for her
-Look at getting a pet, it will ease the loneliness and give you positive companionship
-Get the paternity test done
-Look at what the maximum support you can give to your ex is AND DO IT WITHOUT BEING ASKED.

All this will help YOU be able to look at YOURSELF and see a better person emerging from the ashes of the old broken one. It will help YOU gain your SELF TRUST AND ESTEEM back for yourself.

Your exW is no longer there to mirror you back to yourself in all your glory. It's time to face yourself Dorian Grey style and see yourself as you really are. Start with the person you are today, find out how you became this man who cheats and minimizes and allowed your wife to be betrayed in the most painful manner possible. THEN you can look forward to who YOU want to become. Hopefully it's a man YOU can respect and trust.

WW/BW Dday July 2019. BH/WH- multiple EA's. Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

posts: 1176   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8772740

Bulcy ( member #74034) posted at 4:43 PM on Tuesday, January 10th, 2023


How are you? It's been a little while since you posted, are you still reading the advice given? Hopefully you are and you will respond again when you're ready.

WH (50's)

Multiple sexual, emotional and online affairs. Financial infidelity and emotional abuse. Physical abuse and intimidation.

D-days 2003, 2017, multiple d-days and TT through 2018 to 2023. 28 years of destructive and health damaging choice

posts: 364   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2020   ·   location: UK
id 8772762

emergent8 ( Guide #58189) posted at 1:15 PM on Friday, March 31st, 2023


Me: BS. Him: WS.
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
Happily reconciled.

posts: 2038   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2017
id 8784989

 MrSansone (original poster new member #82487) posted at 4:17 PM on Friday, March 31st, 2023

I have read all the comments and I have read "a lot" of post and advice.

It has been a long while since I posted. I have been working on myself. I have been trying hard to make the appropriate changes. Trying to accept that my Ex will never forgive me. At least not in the way I need her.

I realize more than ever, that she is the only woman I have ever loved. I regret my actions every single day. The pain of lo sing her gets worse. Not better. Maybe I deserve it, it's my Karma.

I will say I have made improvements on myself. Counseling is over, I just want getting what I needed any longer and I found I needed to do this on my own. Soul search, answer questions of my own life and issues. Discover why I am the way that I am. I'm much better. But I'm still on that journey.

It's pretty much April and a lot has happened. I was dealing with paternity issues, my wife left me.
She was sexually assaulted. I mean. Brutally raped, by a man she knew that had been obsessed with her for years. I didnt know until recently that he not only raped her but beat her and almost killed her with our son in the next room.
I did some digging and found out the details of this assault and now I wish that I had not, because now. I feel more guilt and hurt. I 1000% blame myself. If I hadn't cheated. This would not have happened.

To make matters worse, he impregnated my wife. She has a baby girl. She couldn't go through with the abortion even though she tried. This baby girl, is beautiful. For some time, I believed she was my child. My family believed she was my child. She resembles her big brother a lot. I just assumed,I attempted to get a paternity test. But I still have not taken the steps to follow through with it! I don't know why?!
In February. My Ex wife was losing a lot if weight, was very tired and wasn't eating. I found out she has been struggling with PTSD, from the affair and from the rape. She was throwing herself into work to cope. I recieved a call at 3 am to please hurry and pick up my son. My Ex was rushed to the ER. I ended up with my son and the baby girl for several days. More like two weeks.
They had diagnosed my Ex Wife with stomach Cancer months prior. She didn't tell anyone "anything!!!!!" She was seeing a doctor and getting treated and still working herself to the bone. After hearing the news I really shut down. I really felt guilt and pain like never before.
I was telling myself that it was caused by the assault. The beating she took, and rape. He had kicked her repeatedly in the stomach and cause extensive internal bleeding and damage in her stomach. So this was the cause I assume, and this was how they found out? I can't bring myself to question her. I cannot bring myself to even go through with telling her I want a paternity test on the little girl. I have so much hurt and guilt. I see she has so much pain. I have told her I want to help her in any way. If she will accept it. She said No!
I'm sure I insulted her because all of this is my fault anyway.
I have been paying more in child support. I mean a lot more. Enough to cover all her expenses and the support of the kids. Yes, even the baby girl. I have been keeping the kids every weekend. Friday afternoon until Monday mornings. I take our son to school. I drop the little girl at daycare or home with her mother.
I've been showing up for my Ex.Trying to make amends and show her how sorry I am. I am still deeply in love with her. Despite her being sick. She's still absolutely beautiful inside and out. She's gracious, she is so kind to me even though I dont deserve it.
I believe that even though she is careful to keep me at a distance. She has opened up to friendship with me. We meet up at the park or mall for the our son and she and I have been talking. I have so many questions I want to ask her. I need answers from her. Most burning is does she even the slightest think the baby is mine? I watch for mannerisms and looks. Shes still changing, but its killing me to know. I love this little girl and she's attached to me too! I just feel so wrong even entertaining the idea of discussing with my ex paternity.
How would I even approach it?? Oh yeah by the way, your daughter seems to have my dark hair and my eyes. Do you think you could have been early on in pregnancy before the brutal rape? Because I recall us making love shortly before you found out I fucked another woman, and you left me. I suspect I could be the father, not your stalker rapist.
I would imagine she may slap me.
I dont know if my Ex sees the resemblance. If she is just certain her rapist is the father. She NEVER discusses the rape. She never discusses the affair, she never discusses the fact we were married. She also never discusses anything deep.
I apologize for unloading my emotions. I just needed to let this all out. I need support. I know I need answers. I need Ex. She needs me. I just dont want to mess up with her again. Please some suggestions. I'm a over thinker and I have brain fatigue from going over and over all of this. Thanks!

posts: 11   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2022   ·   location: Miami
id 8785113

Bulcy ( member #74034) posted at 11:24 PM on Friday, March 31st, 2023


All I can offer at this time is continue being there for her. Have no motive behind it other than being there for your Ex. Keep looking after the kids and keep working on yourself. There can be no thoughts about how she will react to this, don't try and control the outcome.

We subject our BS to horrendous abuse when we're unfaithful, however in a lot of cases (mine included) we subject them to further abuse after d-day. One of the things we get wrong in trying to control how our BS should feel or act. We try various forms of manipulation (conscious or otherwise) to make them act or react in a particular way. What we don't realise is that they see through this and then any genuine effort to support can come across as disingenuous. You need to be 100% supportive at this time, any paternity testing or positive feedback from BS can wait to a more appropriate time. Right now you're taking responsibility for both kids, that is a great thing for you to do. Stick with this and maybe in time other things will fall into place.

Good luck with this and your journey into self discovery

WH (50's)

Multiple sexual, emotional and online affairs. Financial infidelity and emotional abuse. Physical abuse and intimidation.

D-days 2003, 2017, multiple d-days and TT through 2018 to 2023. 28 years of destructive and health damaging choice

posts: 364   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2020   ·   location: UK
id 8785214

 MrSansone (original poster new member #82487) posted at 2:01 PM on Saturday, April 1st, 2023

Thanks for the feedback. I am guilty of trying to control the outcome, or maybe even how she should feel or react. My Wife Does show appreciation and I do feel bad for expecting more. Maybe feeling as if she should come running back to me. I know that I am wrong for this.
I will focus on being better.

posts: 11   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2022   ·   location: Miami
id 8785282

Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 5:58 PM on Saturday, April 1st, 2023

Full disclosure - I'm the BS. And I've been following this thread. It haunts me.

I'm going to be brief but offer a few tidbits for you:

Please get into grief counseling. As I can tell you are truly grieving your loss. A grief counselor is different from an IC. You need someone specializing in grief. And perhaps a grief support group.

Also - the best gift you can give her is to respect her wishes. Whatever they may be.

None of that is what you wanted to hear. And I'm sorry. I won't wield a 2x4 at you. But I also won't blow smoke.

I can only hope she is in some sort of counseling and support group for her own trauma.

Keep coming back. Keep checking in.

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decades - Children (1 still at home) Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBS 2018 Cease & Desist sent spring 2021"Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3775   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8785309

 MrSansone (original poster new member #82487) posted at 4:27 AM on Sunday, April 2nd, 2023

Thank you for being straight forward with me. I was told by family I need grief counseling. Strange it was suggested again for me!? Really? Grief for the pain I've caused or because I'm suffering from grief? I honestly feel just numb. I do believe I have harmed myself emotionally having this affair.
It could be mostly due to my wife being violated. That hurts every time I think about it The guilt is exploding.
I do believe grief counseling would benefit me.

posts: 11   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2022   ·   location: Miami
id 8785388

GiveTimeTime ( member #45868) posted at 2:23 AM on Monday, April 3rd, 2023

BS here. No stop sign so I’ll add this. You said:

I need Ex. She needs me.

You might want to rethink thinking like that. I can only speak for myself when I say that I most certainly, absolutely 1,000,000% did not need my cheating husband after after his lies.

You don’t know what she needs and I hope you don’t make the mistake of trying to tell her what you think she needs. ESPECIALLY if you think what she “needs” is the person that hurt her so badly.

Just surprised no one else pointed that out.

[This message edited by GiveTimeTime at 2:27 AM, Monday, April 3rd]

Me: 50 Him: 59Married 14 years, together 19.D-day: 3/6/14Me; loving, devoted, faithful wifeHim: lying, cheating, wh0re fu€king john6/4/15 - Divorced. Done. I wasn't kidding, asshole.

posts: 473   ·   registered: Dec. 6th, 2014   ·   location: Las Vegas
id 8785463

MIgander ( member #71285) posted at 4:09 PM on Monday, April 3rd, 2023

GTT: I was thinking that too- there's a lot of "she needs this" that is disturbing.

OP: I would recommend you stop the self-flagellation over what happened to your ex-W. Whether or not you were there to prevent/protect her from the rape, it happened. Continuing to blame yourself is a form of selfishness and self adulation. As in: "I'm such a powerful person, I could have prevented a crazy psycho stalker from stalking my wife and raping her." NO, you can't prevent crazy psychos from being crazy and psycho. Maybe he would have been deterred for a while by your presence, but if he was determined to prey upon your ex, he would have found a way... eventually.

Continuing to blame yourself is also a way to keep yourself inserted into her life. As in: "I'm the only one who can save her from the dangerous world, and therefore failed her by not being present. I should fight to MAKE her see how she needs me so I can be protecting her again." You're continuing to insert yourself where she has made it abundantly clear she doesn't want you.

There's still the wayward lack of respect of the BS here. She was a grown woman who decided to divorce you. She was horribly victimized by two men- you and her rapist. She's chosen to have the baby, to move on best as she can, WITHOUT YOU. You continuing to insert yourself (even in your own head) is a continued violation of her boundaries.

Ironically, the fact that you're still desperately clinging to her as her "needing" you for protection is continuing the disrespect you showed during your A. It's a major turn off and likely pushing her further away from you in terms of desiring a personal relationship with you again.

WW/BW Dday July 2019. BH/WH- multiple EA's. Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

posts: 1176   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8785506

FunHouseMirror ( member #80992) posted at 11:11 PM on Monday, April 3rd, 2023

I feel like no matter what you need to find out if that baby is yours. Perhaps maybe send the hair off, and then, if it comes back positive, talk to your ex and/or your attorney and let them know you'd like a test done. I wouldn't mention the hair.

Try not to beat yourself up so much. Just try to realize you learned a hard lesson, and do better from now on. It sounds like that's what you're doing.

posts: 235   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2022
id 8785578

Mac1976 ( member #42288) posted at 4:56 AM on Tuesday, April 11th, 2023

I’m a betrayed spouse. From my side, I am terribly saddened by your story. It sounds like a hell I wouldn’t wish on anyone. I think the greatest gift in life is the ability to do the good things for others, especially those we care about. I think a lot of us miss that point. My ex wife has tried to be nice to me. I don’t really feel like it’s a choice for me to completely reject any kindness she’s shown me since our divorce. All of it is just met, and pushed back against with distrust and more hurt for me. I don’t think there’s any words from me that’ll help your pain and for that I’m really sorry. I want to just fix it all but I can’t. I think you’re gonna need to look deep inside yourself and be the best you can at everything you CAN be. You may well have to let her go and be the best dad you can. In this life there’s one person you get to control and it’s not her. I’m sorry for your pain and I hope you can come to terms with the reality of this situation. Don’t forget, no bad will come from you trying to be a better person all the time, in everything.

posts: 63   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2014
id 8786451

 MrSansone (original poster new member #82487) posted at 4:33 AM on Thursday, April 20th, 2023

I have stopped the self-flagellation over what happened to my ex-W. I wouldn't say it's self-flagellation. What I feel is immense guilt, shame and utter embarrassment.This has affected every aspect of my life. Friends and family have pretty much shut me out as of late. I can't say I blame them. I feel self hate too. I made a terrible choice to hurt the person I love most in this world. I unfortunately didn't realize how much I loved her until I lost her. I feel like I'm going crazy because I love her more now than I did when we were married. I miss her everyday. My Ex was diagnosed with stomach cancer, and she didn't tell me, I found out through a mutual friend, by accident! My Ex is still just working herself to the bone. I noticed she looked tired. Losing weight. I help with the kids whenever possible, I even take the baby girl during visits with my son which is pretty much every weekend. Which I cherish every moment with the kids. I find myself looking forward to just seeing her. I beat myself up for destroying my family. My son deserves a intact family. I feel awful because I have deprived him of this.

I have also gone behind my wife's back again and I sent the baby hair off. New baby hair. I was afraid the hair I had was old? So I snipped off some hair. I found out that YES! She is 99% mmy baby. I just found out. Now this is a million pounds lifted off my shoulders. I've fallen head over heels for this little girl. She's the sweetest baby. Such a good baby. Never cries, always happy and full of smiles. Now it doesn't hurt, where before I thought someday she would learn she was the daughter of a monster. But now I feel guilt because she is the daughter of a monster. I have cheated her. She will forever be from a broken home. A Mother who was violated in the worst way. My blood boils thinking, my wife was pregnant. She could have been home safe and sound if I only kept my dick in my pants. Now I've destroyed yet another life.

I have not told my Exwife that I have gone behind her back and tested the baby. I'm afraid of her reaction. I dont want to upset her because she doesn't feel well most of the time. I can't deliver another blow. I dont even know how I would even start that conversation with her!

She's been getting better by the day. She's seems in higher spirits, other days she is just zero energy. I'm certain making her angry or triggering any feelings of betrayal. I have decided to just keep it to myself for now. I do care for the baby as if she is my own. I just dont know when would be the appropriate time to tell my Ex I've gone behind her back again. I feel terrible! I seem to be always digging myself deeper and deeper into shit!

I am working hard to be a better man. I am not pressuring my Ex into forgiveness or reconciling with me. I am not one to give up. I know there's a slim chance she would ever take me back. If she dies. I dont know what I would do. I feel selfish for feeling this way. I just can't get past the guilt of feeling I CAUSED all of this. I did Cause all of this.

Someone said her rapist would have found a way to her regardless. I dont know. He got to her once he found out she was single and alone and near him. He hadn't bothered to her until I put her in that vulnerable situation. My counselor says I must work on the guilt. I'm trying, but it's a massive mountain. I hurt everyone I love. Now I have a daughter to add to the list.

I appreciate the advice and comments.I honestly ponder the comments. I'm trying to be a better man. I just feel lost because what am I striving for? My motivation was the Hope's of showing my Wife In a good man a good person. I fucked up! I'm devastated and I just want to make it up to her. I would never cheat again. I'd do anything to have her back. I miss my best friend, my wife. My family. I just hate myself for not being stronger and better and not walking away from the situation.

I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I feel sorry for the loved ones I hurt. I just want to right everything I did wrong. Is that too much to ask?

[This message edited by MrSansone at 4:34 AM, Thursday, April 20th]

posts: 11   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2022   ·   location: Miami
id 8787615

BraveSirRobin ( member #69242) posted at 12:41 PM on Thursday, April 20th, 2023

I'm curious why you snipped off hair when you had access to a cheek swab? Hair analysis is less reliable, especially if you cut it instead of pulling a follicle (which you also had access to do).

I can see why your head is spinning. Your wife was already pregnant on D-Day, and then she left you, moved out of state, was discovered, stalked, and raped all in the space of the few weeks that would leave paternity in doubt. That's quite a tight timeline. Though it's fortunate indeed that the pregnancy survived despite the severe beating she received in the abdomen.

How is your son doing? Has he received counseling for the trauma of being in the next room when your wife was assaulted? I'd be livid that the police didn't follow what I assume would be standard procedure and report that experience to you as his legal parent.


posts: 3625   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2018
id 8787637

Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 11:11 PM on Saturday, April 22nd, 2023

Wow, this is an incredibly sad story.

The victim here is your wife. I strongly suggest that you remember that. I feel sorry for her, not you. (And I don’t mean that cruelly). It is no longer your job to be her husband. If anyone deserves to move on from pain, it is your wife.

Please help her do that. Give her what she tells you she wants. If she asks you to leave her alone, leave her alone. And I think it is honourable to provide financially for your children whether it’s just your son, or if this girl is your daughter. You can come together with a parenting agreement.

I know you are hurting and I think you are getting help with that. So that’s good. Keep going.

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 11:15 PM, Saturday, April 22nd]

To be redefined

posts: 2205   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8788126

 MrSansone (original poster new member #82487) posted at 3:50 AM on Sunday, April 23rd, 2023

I understand the hair was a less reliable source, but it was easier, I di have access to her little tooth brush, but I was told I could use it as a last resort if hair sample came into question. I was told that It would be simpler considering the fact I didnt want my Ex to know, and I was thinking also getting something in her mouth to swab and just the akwardness of the whole situation I honestly wasn't thinking.
I was told it would be a lower percentage but I was just desperate and nervous about if I should even go through with any of it.
My son does recieve counseling.He has had some changes in behavior, he doesn't like leaving his mother alone. When it's our time he always wants to include her. It may have as much to with us being a broken family as it does him knowing that she was 'hurt. He notices she cries a lot. That really bothers me. I've learned children are extremely sensitive and know far more than we think. Much more than I realized at least.I make sure I take extra measures to comfort him, he can facetime his Mom whenever he's away, sometimes he says I just want to see her face. He constantly ask me to stay over and to come home. I let him know I'm always here. I often will facetime him until he falls asleep or I fall asleep. I'm doing as much as I can to make him feel safe.

posts: 11   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2022   ·   location: Miami
id 8788151

Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 2:37 PM on Wednesday, April 26th, 2023

If I dip my pinky-toes into your murky waters…

My user-name is supposed to reflect my goal at improving myself constantly – to be a bigger person. Nearly 20 years ago I decided that I didn’t like some of my behaviors and I decided that the only way to change was by making things change. I have since adapted several goals, rules and processes to help me on that path, as well as milestones and checks to ensure I keep on-path. Not because I was bad or evil, and not because I aim at becoming a saint, but simply so I would be happy with myself.
Focus on YOU. Anything else is a weak attempt at shining up the display-window and leaving the contents of the store in disarray. Do what you can to improve YOURSELF for YOUR sake. Not to get your ex back or whatever. From what I read it sounds a bit like all your actions are focused on repossessing her. You might be thinking that if you change that might happen, but if your impetus for change is for her sake then what happens if that doesn’t work?
Like if she were to tell you that she’s noticed a big change in you and she’s happy for that change, but has no interest whatsoever in reconnecting romantically or as husband-and-wife. What if she tells you that next Thursday if you alone can take the kids to the park, because she’s going out with this wonderful man whom she is attracted to? What if she moves in with a kind, considerate man who will never abuse her and is a wonderful step-dad to the children without excluding you from your parental role?

What happens to YOU and your impetus to improve if the goal is on her and not on you?

Focus on you. Do it correctly and maybe she might again see what she fell for and come back that way. At the very least then focusing on you can make you a better person, thereby a better father and thereby a better candidate for great coparenting.

I agree with those that see a lot of controlling in your choice of words. Once again – focus on what’s good for YOU and not what’s good for getting her back.

How can you focus on you? Well… by reading, contemplating, and studying various paths and methods to self-improve. Some find the guidelines in religion, some do 12-step work, some simply adapt some life-rules that they go by. I think the key in all though is being self-aware of how you act and what you want to change, and then being brutally honest about if you change.

The rape, the abuse…
Tell me friend – when you take off your glasses and remove your clothes are you wearing a skin-tight blue bodysuit and red speedos? Is there a big "S" emblazoned over your chest? Do you have a hard time tucking your cape away under your shirt? What makes you think you are this Superman that could have prevented your wife from being abused or raped?
Heck… if we sort-of-semi-reverse-engineer it… You are implying she was abused and raped because she left you and therefore your protection. Ergo: her actions led to her being raped…

Don’t give yourself so much credit.
Friend – she was raped and abused because her rapist and abuser raped and abused her.
Men (people) that do that tend to be excellent at what they do and do what they want. She was raped because she was a victim of that man. Doesn’t have to retain victim-mentality though and certainly doesn’t have to accept that the antagonists’ behaviors or actions are normal, expected or something she caused to happen or deserved. If you want to help her on this issue, then – probably through a third party like a sister or best friend – suggest she seeks professional guidance from rape- and abuse recovery centers.

Just keep this in mind: Based on your story she was in an abusive relationship. Your actins by cheating are a form of abuse. She returned to an abusive partner…
If ANYONE should be focusing on self-improvement it should be her, and frankly maybe by keeping you at a distance then that’s exactly what she’s doing. She needs to be allowed to decide how fast she allows you back within some zone of safety. Not because you raped her or did anything at the scale of THAT abuser, but your actions in cheating were also abusive actions and her path to healing is learning to refuse to be abused.

OK… So the child…
Who is the father on the birth-certificate?
Were you two formally divorced at time of conception?
How long after the formal divorce was the birth?

I’m asking because there is a vast difference in being a father and being a legal father. You can legally be the girls father and therefore accountable and responsible on so many levels without ever being her "father". Just like you can be her "father" without her having any biological or legal connection to you.
Check the law in your state/country. In most places the married husband of the woman giving birth is automatically entered as the father. I strongly urge you to consult an attorney on this issue, and to clarify who is on the birth-certificate. If it’s empty… then what implementations the timing of the divorce and/or conception or whatever date your area uses might have on your ability to have your name placed there OR removed.

Of course, you need to look DEEP inside yourself: What is your motivation for wanting a relationship with this child? If its part of your masterplan to entice your ex back into marriage… no… that price is too high for that child. If it is a true wish to be a good father and a good person…

Be very clear on this issue: The legal father does not/might not have to have any access to the child as-is, but can be held financially accountable AND can have a major role IF the primary care-taker (the mom here) were to pass away. You mention your ex dealing with cancer… OK… so what happens if it returns? What happens if we have the unthinkable worst-case outcome? If the OM – the abuser, the rapist – is the father on the birth-certificate does he have any input or influence on where the daughter is placed? If your wife passed away would you keep your son, but be legally denied any input or participation on where his sister ends up?

Think this through the stark eyes of reality: If the daughter is biologically yours but legally his… and if your ex wife were to pass away or be incapable of parenting… chances are YOU would have no or little input on her future. It could even be with the "legal" father – the abuser.

To me this issue is totally unconnected to your wish to regain your wife. It’s an issue of how serious you take your responsibility as a father. That role can be determined both by biology and by actions.


I suggest you do things in the right order, and even irrespective of each other.
Continue becoming a better person. Do so totally irrespective of what your ex wants or does. Do it for you.
Get your legal advice regarding paternity and the dates and the status of marriage/divorce.
Think long and hard about the baby. Do you want it to be part of your life forever – EVEN IF your ex moves on?
If you do then be direct to your ex about your role. If there is not father on the birth-certificate, then ask to be placed on it. Explain why.

1)IF you are the biological father then explain how you want to be there for your children irrespective of what happens between you and the ex. Explain (and MEAN IT!) that although you still wish you two could somehow reconcile as husband and wife, then your main reason for wanting affirmed paternity is to be there for your kids. How having two parents that care – irrespective of their marital status – beats having one and explain the risk and uncertainty due to unclear or undeclared paternity.
2)If you are not the biological father then ask to become the legal father. This can be dependent on the laws in your area and time of divorce/conception/birth.

Just make 100% certain you do the above for the right reasons, and your ex-wife is not in any of them.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 12310   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8788590

ShockedAndShattered ( member #79685) posted at 1:15 AM on Thursday, April 27th, 2023

There's no stop sign so I'm going to 2x4 a little.

These two statements stood out to me:

She doesn't need to be out in the world getting fucked by other men. She isn't that kind of woman.

You don't get to decide what she needs or what kind of woman she is. Period.

Counseling is over, I just want getting what I needed any longer and I found I needed to do this on my own.

You can always search for another counselor instead of quitting. How long were you in counseling? Therapy is hard and takes time. It's not a "ok, I'm done!" quick fix. You need to dig deep and figure out your why's and learn why you were willing to risk your entire family's life for the blonde. Because there is a reason (or reasons) and it's more than just "I was selfish." You lied to yourself to justify the affair in your mind. Why? Why didn't you think of the consequences? The moment you crossed the line with the blonde, something in you must have signaled that it was wrong. What did you tell yourself to be able to ignore that feeling? Until you understand what motivated you and why you were able to lie in the first place, you won't be able to fully heal yourself.

BS(me):42 WH:43DDay 1- 9/11/21 EA 5+ yrs & lies TTDDay 2- 9/23/21 EA 2+ years & lies TTDDay 3- 10/17/21 EAs 1.5 yrs/5+ yrs TTDDay 4- 4/11/22 Conf PA w/1 EADDay 5- 8/2/22 Failed PolyDDay 6- 8/7/22 Whatever...

posts: 56   ·   registered: Dec. 17th, 2021
id 8788641
Topic is Sleeping.
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