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Newest Member: CrazyLikeAFox

Wayward Side :
I have lost everything, cheating on my wife. Is there ever hope after divorce? It's killing me

Topic is Sleeping.
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 MrSansone (original poster new member #82487) posted at 8:56 PM on Sunday, April 30th, 2023

Thank you "BIGGER" Your comment made me think. Alot!

ShockedAndShatteredyour comment as well. I took some time to think. I just needed to sort my thoughts.

ShockedAndShattered
I did think what I was doing was wrong. I was just being selfish and disgusting. I never thought my wife would find out. But the guilt. It hit me the next morning. It was unexpected. It was tormenting. I loved my wife. I never thought about cheating on her. I noticed other women, but I would have never acted on it. My Ex was everything I wanted and needed. I think she is one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen, she doesn't even realize how beautiful she is. Inside and out. It was this list or fantasy I had with this other woman, I never thought I would do what I did. When I did act, I shocked myself because that's not my behavior. I'm not a dishonest person, I'm loyal. I was (still am) so sick and disappointed in myself. That is why it's hard for me to accept, that I destroyed my life. I was wrong for saying she doesn't need to be Fucked by other men. I know I have no say in anything she does anymore.

BIGGER: I read your comment several times. I dont have a Cape, I don't know if I could have prevented my wife from the assault. I know my actions are the cause of her being in the wrong place and being vulnerable to him. He found out she was back in town. We had separated. I put her in harm's way, by my actions. I can't let that go.I am riddled with guilt. I cry often because I hurt the person I love more than anything in this world.
I think in my heart I know I have lost her forever. But my mind won't accept it. It all seems surreal. Still! Time isnt healing anything for me. I feel more consumed and obsessed with her. I thought for a while I just live her so much. I do. I love her more now than when she was mine. But I know this is unhealthy. I feel jealous and I'm not a jealous person. She is so pretty men notice her, she is so kind and easy going. Uncomplicated people are drawn to her. I know it's just a matter of time before she meets someone. That thought enrages me. I get so angry with myself because it's all my fault. I know I have to work on me, not just for wanting her. But for me. Because I dont know if she feels the same.I dont know if she blames me. I dont believe she despises me,she and I are on speaking terms. I help her when she's not feeling well.
I want to clarify she had cancerous stomach tumors. She did undergo treatment and her Doctors are saying she will be fine. It's not full on cancer. She explained her condition, I Misunderstood. I misspoke.
But she is often drained from treatment but is gradually getting better. I help her and she has been grateful. Yesterday I told her I loved her and I expressed my feelings for her. She seemed nervous and just quickly changed the subject. Maybe she doesn't love me anymore.
I see that, yes I have to change for me. My kids.
I am not sure about the birth certificate I doubt the rapist name is on it. Mine is not. We were married at the time of conception. I realize that now. Her assault and conception were so close together, I was trying to do the math and now I know I'm the father. I still haven't told her, I ran paternity test behind her back. I thought about telling her today, I think she's mine and can we get a test together???
As she grows, Its getting more obvious. She looks like me. She has my eyes, my eyebrows. Our baby photos are identical if I were a girl! I dont see how she doesn't see it!!!?
There's just no discussion about where the baby came from. She's a wonderful mother, and I wonder what she feels, if she believes that adorable baby girl is a product of Rape?! Or does she hate me so much, she refuses to acknowledge that she is mine. Wouldn't she even assume I may be the father, she had to have counted the days of pregnancy or whatever? Right?
All I know is that I agree with, me becoming a better man for myself. For my kids. Maybe let go of the hope she would ever take me back.

posts: 11   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2022   ·   location: Miami
id 8789083
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66charger ( member #69471) posted at 5:17 PM on Monday, May 1st, 2023

Her assault and conception were so close together


I wonder what she feels, if she believes that adorable baby girl is a product of Rape?!

She doesn't know if the child is the rapist or yours, but you do.

On a scale of 1 - 10, which is worse, the child being the rapist or her anger at you for taking the test?. That wasn't a real question, but somehow you think it is.

You have the power to end part of her nightmare. Why would you let this continue for one more second?. Tell her today and put your name on the birth certificate. You may not "win" your wife back, but you will help her sleep.

posts: 334   ·   registered: Jan. 17th, 2019
id 8789175
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Bor9455 ( member #72628) posted at 6:22 PM on Monday, May 1st, 2023

Regarding your baby girl...

While she is your ex-wife, you have all rights as her biological father and the then husband of the mother to be given and considered all the rights that come with being the child's father, because, well, you are her father.

Your relationship with your ex-wife is of course a tough matter, but you also need to stand up for yourself and for your daughter. Part of some wayward behaviors can be avoidance, or more specifically avoiding topics or discussions that could lead to an uncomfortable fight. Speak with you an attorney about how to best broach this subject with the law on your side and for your particular situation, but now that you already know the answer, I think you would be justified in going to your ex-wife and asking for her to consent to a DNA test of the baby. Of course, again, with legal advice, you can then proceed to take the steps you need to make sure that paternity is established on the birth certificate and other places it needs to be documented.

Your wife may never want to see you or deal with you again, but she is forever tied to you, as you are to her through your shared children. I understand all your hangups about the baby, the timing of the pregnancy, the sexual assault of your ex-wife, all those things are not easy and I am not trying to make it sound easy. However, I do feel that, again, after consulting with your attorney, that this is a moment you need to stand up for yourself and your rights as a parent. That daughter is yours and you know that already, but you are also living in a bit of limbo where you don't know the status of the birth certificate and the status you now have as a divorcee from the birth mother. She is your daughter and you want to be in her life, you have legal rights to be a part of this child's life, no matter how much her mother way want to avoid that. Of course, you are still reeling over the loss of your marriage and you are holding onto a tiny sliver of hope that there could be a future for you two one day, so "tipping over the apple cart" right now doesn't seem prudent, but try looking at this as more of a legal matter that you have to do for the future so that your daughter doesn't end up in the custody of the rapist or worse, an orphan/ward of the state in case something were to happen to your ex-wife rendering her unable to care for the children.

Myself - BH & WH - Born 1985 Her - BW & WW - Born 1986

D-Day for WW's EA - October 2017D-Day no it turned PA - February 01, 2020

posts: 665   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2020   ·   location: Miami
id 8789180
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Greto ( member #80904) posted at 8:26 PM on Tuesday, May 2nd, 2023

I thought for paternity/DNA testing they need the hair follicle not just the strand?

While this story is sad and thoroughly heartbreaking for the ex wife, I feel like I am reading a work of fiction.

posts: 114   ·   registered: Sep. 9th, 2022   ·   location: Sandusky, Ohio
id 8789304
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 11:11 AM on Tuesday, May 9th, 2023

I have qualms about posting on this thread…
MrSansone – As has been pointed out some of your comments are controlling. Add to that your wife was in an abusive relationship previous to meeting you and was then abused and raped by her former bf. Many of us see infidelity as abuse. OK – I’m not going to put you in the same group as the rapist or someone that physically subdues and beats a spouse, but I fear that your wife is impacted by abuse and might be reacting as an abuse-survivor. That is why I fear that if you follow my advice for the WRONG reasons I could be adding to her pain and damage.

On the other hand – we have two children in the mix. One that is definitely yours, and another that is probably yours.

If you were to follow my advice here below then hear this: It’s possibly a life-defining moment. Its when you have to decide to YOURSELF why you are going to follow this advice. Is it to control your wife, or is it because as a man and a father it’s the correct thing to do.
You follow this advice totally irrespective of what your ex wife decides. You follow this advice, even if she enters a relationship with someone else. You follow this advice because you are being a MAN that is accountable and responsible for his children. Keep that responsibility in mind though – as a dad you will be held accountable to support, even if you two never get back together as husband and wife.

OK – Got it? I’m going to offer you advice, but its yours to either man up or f@ck up some more lives.

Get the legal advice on paternity and marriage. Maybe – by default – the child is yours irrespective of name (or no name) on the birth certificate simply because you two were still married.
You also need to know if you have a right to be mentioned the father, or if some legal action is required. That legal action can be as simple as both of you signing off on it, or it can be as complex as having to sue for paternity. There isn’t need for action now – but there is a need to know your options.

Then talk to your wife.
Tell her you suspect you are the biological father and want that role. FATHER – not husband. Do your best to convince her to do this with you – to agree to a DNA test (if you want that) and/or just to add you as the father to the certificate.
You can definitely let her know you want another chance as husband, but make it perfectly clear that the two things are totally independent.
Lot’s of things will make your case: Point out that you already see your son, and that the child will benefit from having the same dad. That if anything were to happen to her then you wouldn’t have any access to the child, but would probably have your son (split the siblings). That legally you probably are the father and just want things clarified.

Take it from there… Evaluate her reactions. Make it very clear that you respect her decision on you two, but that you want clarity on the paternity issue.

MrSansone – In some ways I feel like I have handed a broke, drunk man a shotgun. You can cause permanent long-term damage to a lot of people if you do the above for the wrong reasons.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 12305   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8790191
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TheEnd ( member #72213) posted at 12:16 AM on Wednesday, May 10th, 2023

Yesterday I told her I loved her and I expressed my feelings for her. She seemed nervous and just quickly changed the subject. Maybe she doesn't love me anymore.

I've struggled with responding to this. I've left it alone for a long while but I just can't.

Listen, you need to get it together man. YOUR feelings right now are not important. They truly aren't.

As a woman and a victim of sexual assault I can only imagine what this woman has been through. Can you even begin to conceive of the sheer force of will it took her to leave you after your betrayal, only to get raped, find out she is pregnant and go through with that pregnancy? I would bet my last dollar that she summoned all her mortal strength to put one foot in front of the other to bring that baby into the world. While she worked and cared for your son. She very likely did not allow herself to think very much on the babies DNA. She did only what she could do: survive for her children.

It took amazing strength. It was, in the end, an act of love for her children.

Now you come along and declare your love for her? You, with hope in your heart, lay that at her feet? She has been betrayed by you and then brutally assaulted by a stalker. And you come to her with your needs? Your near obsession with her? Do you think maybe that level of needing her, wanting her and damn near obsessed with her might not trigger some pretty deep feelings/fears in her? Of course she got nervous and bailed. She does not need to hear, support or otherwise be moved by someone else's needs right now.

What she needs is a strong man / co-parent / friend who supports her in anyway SHE NEEDS. Hell, she might not even want that especially if comes with strings that include listening to what you want or hope. Your role here is to support the mother of your child(ren) and be man enough to do that without want or desire. Man enough to be strong and selfless.

You dna tested that child without her permission. While I understand there are legit legal and practical reasons to address this, you went behind her back and made a unilateral decision without her consent. Do you honestly think she, a victim of intimate betrayal and rape deserves that? There were absolutely other ways to handle this that did not involve yet again, someone going behind her back and stealing her agency. Bigger laid them out for you.

Get to therapy and get a handle on your near obsession with "winning" this person back. She divorced you. She's made her desires clear. Now be a person she can rely on to help her raise the children.

posts: 586   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2019
id 8790264
Topic is Sleeping.
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