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Wayward Side :
I have lost everything, cheating on my wife. Is there ever hope after divorce? It's killing me

Topic is Sleeping.
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 MrSansone (original poster new member #82487) posted at 1:31 AM on Sunday, December 4th, 2022

I assume I can post here. I was the wayward one. I really messed up. I literally destroyed everything. My wife left e straight away. Then soon after divorced me. I love her, I haven't even as much as spoken to her. I want my wife back. I want the chance to get help and prove to her that I am a good man and father.

Here's my story and I just need to know from anyone if even after what I caused in her life. Do I ever have a chance at reconciliation? Ok. Here it goes:

I made the biggest mistake a little over a year ago. I cheated on my wife of 7 yrs. It wasn't a lengthy affair. It was a weekend fling, a woman I work with, we were at a conference in California. I admit, this woman is beautiful, I definitely lusted after her. She and I would chat at work, there was an obvious attraction, but never did I think to act on it.

My wife and I had a strong marriage. I didn't feel neglected, we had a great sex life. I was (still am ) very much in love with her. I will do absolutely ANYTHING to get her back. The divorce happened so, quickly So when I read there are signs, there may be cheating on the horizon. Not always. I was weak, I was attracted to this woman physically, she was my fantasy type. The affair happened after a night of having dinner, and drinks at the hotel. I honestly didn't have the plan to cheat. I walk her back to her room. We stood outside in the hall, talking for thirty minutes or longer. We ended up kissing, We ended up in her bed. We had sex Twice that night. I take responsibility, I was so wrong. I ended it. Immediately. I'm married, she was single. I hate myself because I blew up my Ex-wife's life.

After the weekend, I was full of guilt, I didn't tell my wife, because I was so afraid of losing her. The woman I cheated with, wanted to continue this affair. I refused, and she called my wife! She went vile, she tried to ruin my career. I was suspended from the company because I had an inappropriate relationship with a worker under me. My wife undoubtedly was blindsided and devastated.

My actions caused my wife physical harm. It's hard for me to talk about, and I absolutely hate myself for what I caused. My wife ended up moving back to our home state t be near family and friends. She and I relocated because for 4 years she had a stalker, she was harassed, followed, and terrorized by this man. Once she returned, the stalking began again. It gradually escalated. the restraining order didn't matter to him. I didn't know of this, her family didn't know either, she says she felt ashamed, and she felt her moving back was a burden on the family enough. So she said nothing. She was Beaten and raped by this man. I take all responsibility because if I were a good husband, my wife would not have been back in our hometown, working an overnight shift, to save money for an apartment, when she had a home. She would have never encountered this man. If I were faithful. I had not been so disgusting. So weak.
It was several months after the attack, I found out. I found out after receiving the divorce papers, and me calling her sister. I also found out that this motherfucker got her pregnant.

My wife refused to see me, refused to speak to me. We have a now 4-year-old son, but during all of this, she had a mediator, that's how determined she was to never interact with me. I sent money to an account for our son's finances. I had zero interactions with my wife. I missed her. I lost my mind!! I never had a chance to tell her I love her, I never said I was sorry. I was sorry for destroying our family. I would send flowers, I left voicemails until I got blocked from every number and social media platform. I have no closure. Not like I deserve it.

NOW. She now has a baby girl. By her rapist. She told my sister that she considered abortion, but couldn't go through with it. That traumatized her, and she's been in counseling, she has been struggling with everything, the pain I caused her, the pain, I put in her life. She has not spoken to me still. She recently moved back to Miami, I am close to my son. I thank god for this. She has a better job now. I support my son, and I want to send her money, but I don't think she would ever accept it.
She's now a single Mom, and she works really hard, around 60 or more hours a week. Her life is not how she planned, she was a stay-at-home Mom before I blew that up. Her family was angry she wanted to end the marriage because she had no money all because I was a weak man, a man that was disgusting and selfish. I'm drinking more than I should. I am still absolutely in love with my Ex-Wife. I miss my family (in-laws everyone). I miss her. I loved being married. I feel riddled with guilt, because she was raped, and violated. I was always her protector.


I miss my old life. I saw a photo of her with our son and the baby girl. Thanksgiving dinner. My brother and sister and parents swear on everything, this baby is MY daughter. The girl looks like me. I have been struggling with this possibility! It has me up at night. Trying to do math in my head, from the last time I made love to my wife, maybe I am the father. But that means this man raped her while she was pregnant with my baby girl. This is all destroying me. I cannot ever ask her. I have no right. I doubt she would even be in the same room as me, much less, talk about a baby that was conceived through rape.
I feel I am rambling. I do apologize. I just needed to vent. I needed to share my experience. Cheating ruins lives, it causes a domino effect of pain. My lusting after a blonde, who looked like a poster girl from my teens caused me to be weak, and literally kill my life. My Ex-wife could have been killed, she was violated. She has a child, who was conceived in a terrible way, and who is to say, in the future when this child grows up and learns of how she came to be, it may cause her to spiral! ALL because I was unfaithful.

I obsess over what I have done. I have always been a good person. I have never hurt anyone. I feel shocked, that the person I hurt, is the person I love the most. I don't even know ow HOW to even begin to explain to her I love her. I want to try and fix what I destroyed if she would have me. I will do anything she wants.

I want answers regarding this baby, not for selfish reasons, but because she deserves a father, she deserves for me to support her financially. I need to know. I know I don't have the right to ask my Ex anything. I may be out of line. I don't know. This is so surreal. I just see the photo, and she looks like me, she looks like our son. But I can't go on that.

Am I being delusional? I feel my wife was so hurt. She filed for divorce without thinking. I want to believe she still loves me. We were a good couple before this. Does it have to account for something? My mind is racing. I overthink this, I cannot even articulate what I want to say. I'm so sorry, I'm hurt, and I'm confused. Ashamed. I want to know how I can tell her I'm sorry. How I can start reconciliation? If she hates me. I just want to support her, I want to Co-Parent. I want to be good to my son.

Any advice? How to approach her? I'm just really lost.

I apologize for any and all grammar errors. my hands are literally shaking and my mind is racing. I need help. Please.

posts: 11   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2022   ·   location: Miami
id 8768023
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 3:07 AM on Sunday, December 4th, 2022

Just a word of advice but you might want to ask the mods to move this to the wayward forum and put a stop sign on it. I am not sure you'll benefit fully on this board in the forum.

That's said, this stood out to me.

Not like I deserve it.


This is the tenor of everything you just said. It's all about YOU. All about your hurt, your feelings, your thoughts. You aren't even remotely close to getting it yet IMHO. Nothing 'made' you cheat, YOU CHOSE TO DO THAT because YOU wanted to and because you thought you'd get away with it.

Your XBW made the best choice she could for herself. What you want isn't and shouldn't be important to her and she doesn't owe you closure. Support your son, and work on whatever is so broken in you that allowed you to give yourself permission to betray your marriage and damage your wife so badly. And chalk up losing your wife as a hard learned lesson in the consequences of your choices.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"The love that you lost isn't worth what it cost and in time you'll be glad that it's gone." – Linkin Park

posts: 3901   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: Louisiana
id 8768029
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 4:01 AM on Sunday, December 4th, 2022

Legally you can obtain a paternity test for the little girl.

Your wife did not file for D too fast. She did what she needed to do to survive. Maybe you weren’t aware that if you cheated she would end the Marriage quickly. But she decided there was no chance of R.

I hope you are getting counseling.

I hope you heal from this.

But I think you have very little chance of R. And given your wife’s recent history with a stalker, I think you should be very very careful of what you say or do to your ex-wife. She’s been through enough. You don’t want her to think you are a stalker too.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13858   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8768039
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Forks027 ( member #59996) posted at 7:03 AM on Sunday, December 4th, 2022

Wow. Your ex-wife has really been put through the ringer. I would hold off on anything regarding reconciliation. Frankly, a year is small compared to the amount of healing she must undergo to work through so much trauma.

As far as the paternity of the baby girl, if your ex is still in contact with your siblings, perhaps they could broach the subject of a paternity test with her. But it's going to be a very delicate and sensitive topic.

As for you:

We were a good couple before this. Does it have to account for something?


And yet, this didn't stop you from ending up in bed with another woman. You didn't 'plan' to cheat, but you had an attraction, you had dinner and drinks with her, you allowed yourself to end up alone together with her where it escalated into everything else. And not only did you have sex once, but twice. Quite a big lead-up to something that wasn't planned. Was not a single part of you shooting off alarm bells about what you were getting into at any point in that whole scenario? Not to mention the fact that your ex didn't hear it from you directly but from your scorned AP.

However, what's done is done. Are you in individual therapy? If you're serious about doing anything to win your ex back, the first and foremost thing you should do is work out why you did this. And even with no chance of R with her, you should still work on becoming a person who will never put themselves in that situation ever again. For your own sake as much as your family's.

posts: 552   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2017
id 8768057
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SI Staff ( Moderator #10) posted at 2:15 PM on Sunday, December 4th, 2022

  Moving to Wayward Side

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Hippo16 ( member #52440) posted at 3:59 PM on Sunday, December 4th, 2022

EDIT!!!
Not sure what thread I was addressing when typing the below - disregard except for the book.

************
For your Betrayed Spouse:

The Body Keeps The Score

BRAIN, MIND, AND BODY IN THE HEALING OF TRAUMA

Author: Bessel van der Kolk - a doctor

There is a web site - put his name in search bar and you can get more details

Has your husband ever told you why he didn't toss you away when you had your fling?

Children? Some sort of religious reasoning? Ego?

You bestowed on him a memory for life - it is up to him to work on learning how to live with that memory.

[This message edited by Hippo16 at 4:03 AM, Thursday, January 5th]

There's no troubled marriage that can't be made worse with adultery.If you’re looking for an adrenaline rush, why not bungee jumping off a bridge span? For an extra thrill, don’t anchor the cord.

posts: 882   ·   registered: Mar. 26th, 2016   ·   location: OBX
id 8768094
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FunHouseMirror ( member #80992) posted at 9:16 PM on Sunday, December 4th, 2022

Hippo,

The BS is the wife.

posts: 235   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2022
id 8768131
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lostandbound ( member #56011) posted at 10:22 PM on Sunday, December 4th, 2022

Am I being delusional?


i would say you are highly prone to fantasy yes

posts: 124   ·   registered: Nov. 12th, 2016
id 8768136
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 11:59 PM on Sunday, December 4th, 2022

Hi, Mr. sansone, welcome to SI and thanks for sharing your story.

Unfortunately, actions have consequences and your wife chose to divorce you. Sometimes cheating is a dealbreaker, apparently it was for her.

You may not ever win her back, but you need to give her the space she needs and be the best dad to your son that you can be.

Are you in counseling? If not, seek a good counselor out to help you sort through your feelings.

posts: 12118   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8768153
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BreakingBad ( member #75779) posted at 1:39 PM on Tuesday, December 6th, 2022

Gently, this isn't a time to work on your wife to see if she will take you back. This is a time to work on yourself. Just yourself. For the purpose of healing and becoming a stronger person who has more emotional understanding and capacity.

Cheating--even a brief fling--is by nature a very selfish act and requires that the person who is cheating lie to themselves to justify their behavior to themselves.

These two characteristics aren't temporary in the person who cheats. They are deeply engrained--even if the cheating is brief.

You are still displaying these characteristics.

Much of the letter is very self-focused. It's about what you want.

My wife left e straight away. Then soon after divorced me. I love her, I haven't even as much as spoken to her. I want my wife back. I want the chance to get help and prove to her that I am a good man and father....I obsess over what I have done. I have always been a good person. I have never hurt anyone. I feel shocked, that the person I hurt, is the person I love the most. I don't even know HOW to even begin to explain to her I love her....I want answers regarding this baby

Your post is ripe with "I" statements--how you feel, what you want. Yes, you acknowledge the hurt you've done your wife...then right back to yourself and your feelings and your desires/needs.

You have work to do around this self-centeredness.

This next part is not gentle, so brace yourself:

There is also still a sense that you are not being fully honest with yourself about the cheating.

I was weak.

That's an excuse. You made an active choice to pursue your own pleasure and get some significant feel-good brain chemistry (TWICE just that night) at the expense of your wife's feelings and safety (STI-wise).

You also risked (and lost) your family's economic safety by having sex with a subordinate.

I honestly didn't have the plan to cheat.

It wasn't a lengthy affair.

You are still not being fully honest with yourself.

I admit, this woman is beautiful, I definitely lusted after her. She and I would chat at work, there was an obvious attraction,

I would offer that this lust and "obvious attraction" means that the affair actually began way before you had sex. There was flirting (verbal or non verbal) and a lot of dangerous relationship-building with this woman at work long before the work conference.

Cheating isn't just the sex. You were cheating emotionally before you had sex with your subordinate.

I was attracted to this woman physically, she was my fantasy type. The affair happened after a night of having dinner, and drinks at the hotel....I walked her back to her room. We stood outside in the hall, talking for thirty minutes or longer.

In this middle of this paragraph, you say you didn't "plan" to cheat. I cut that part out, because everything else in this paragraph screams "I knew I was playing with fire and would likely get burned."

Before this travel-away-from-home-with-a-colleague-I'm-attracted-to conference the attraction between the two of you was established. Yet, you went to the conference together (sans wife). You had dinner together...and drinks...and walked her back to her room where the conversation lingered...for half an hour. You were intentionally fueling the attraction and those feel-good, flirty brain chemicals. Own that.

We ended up kissing, We ended up in her bed. We had sex Twice that night.

This is incredibly passive language that indicates you aren't owning it. You "ended up" kissing. You did that. You chose that. You "ended up" in her bed also by choice. "Ended up" is so passive--like it was inevitable or some magical slide that required no action or choice. But there were choices and actions every second of the way. Own it. Own it to yourself.

The time to be selfless and show empathy for your wife was way back when the attraction first happened--way back in the office when you first felt attraction to a coworker. That was the time to be honest with yourself and draw strong, professional boundaries to protect your marriage, your wife, your family, your job, and yourself.

You are still in the stage of strong regret. You wish you could go back and undo all of this--all your choices and all of the consequences. Sadly, you can't.

Even as a betrayed spouse, I spent quite a while in "I wish this never happened" land. But this isn't helpful. It did happen. It can't be undone. It's hard to accept that, but it's important.

Move forward for yourself, for your own healing and betterment. For your own peace of mind.

Accept your wife's decision to walk away from you. She's been quite decisive about that, so respect it.

You can be a good father. So work toward that goal.

[This message edited by BreakingBad at 1:45 PM, Tuesday, December 6th]

"...lately it's not hurtin' like it did before. Maybe I am learning how to love me more."[Credit to Sam Smith]

posts: 468   ·   registered: Oct. 31st, 2020
id 8768346
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LegsWideShut ( member #80302) posted at 5:41 PM on Tuesday, December 6th, 2022

Your wife has been through hell, the only thing you should be doing is letting her heal. And if that means leaving her alone, so be it.
As everyone here has stated previously everything here is about YOU. And the only YOU that needs to be fixated on is the YOU that needs fixing. After all YOU threw that cliched hand grenade into your marriage.
Being a couple before YOU fooled around on her does not count for anything. If it did, you wouldnt have cheated on her.
Give her the space she needs, who knows maybe you two can be friends at some point. Stranger things have happened. For now work on you.

posts: 134   ·   registered: May. 9th, 2022   ·   location: New England
id 8768375
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 MrSansone (original poster new member #82487) posted at 1:10 AM on Wednesday, December 7th, 2022

My post isn't selfish. I'm discussing all that "I" know. I have no clue what my Ex wants or needs if anything from me at this point. I cannot speak about her needs, or what is best for her. She is a completely different person now. I have not said as much of a word to her since she left. She hasn't told me how she feels, she does not speak to me. Period.

When it comes to the Paternity test for the baby girl. I cannot even imagine, approaching my Ex and saying ANYTHING about the baby. Her baby. Would I say? "I saw the Thanksgiving photo, of our son holding his sister. She looks like me, I think I may be the father." Wow. NO!!! I respect her privacy, I respect her decision to not see me or speak to me. I may be able to be sneaky and ask her family, but I feel it may be wrong. But the family constantly mentions to me, the baby resembles me, her little smile. Her eyes, her thick long black hair. In the photo I saw of the Thanksgiving dinner, she does look like me when I was a baby. It breaks my heart.

My wife and I did have a great relationship. I never cheated. I admitted that I was attracted to this woman. I thought she was beautiful, but I never thought about sneaking around and cheating on my wife. I have started AA. I am seeking help to deal with my personal demons.

posts: 11   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2022   ·   location: Miami
id 8768452
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LegsWideShut ( member #80302) posted at 2:41 AM on Wednesday, December 7th, 2022

We ended up kissing, We ended up in her bed. We had sex Twice that night

Literally that is cheating. That was, for that night, sneaking around on your wife.
Glad you are working on you though, thats very important for you going forward.

posts: 134   ·   registered: May. 9th, 2022   ·   location: New England
id 8768461
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josiep ( member #58593) posted at 9:00 PM on Wednesday, December 7th, 2022

I have started AA. I am seeking help to deal with my personal demons.

I think this is the best decision you’ve made to date. I wish you continued strength and much peace going forward

BW, was 67; now 73; M 45 yrs., T 49 yrs.
DDay#1, 1982; DDay#2, May, 2017. D July, 2017

posts: 3232   ·   registered: May. 5th, 2017
id 8768546
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icangetpastthis ( new member #74602) posted at 11:10 AM on Tuesday, December 13th, 2022

You gambled the most important thing that you'll ever have - your loving family. And you lost. But, you still would have lost if your wife would have never found out what you did. As you would spend your life regretting it and hating yourself for it. This is a slow burn on a healthy marriage that destroys it. Your marriage would still be forever changed. However, I suspect that you would have continued with your bad behaviors if you hadn't been found out. Your ex wife made choices to protect her children and herself. She is brave and impressive. You hurt her worse than her rapist as she loved and trusted you. Your AP must have picked up some cues from you that your affair with her would have continued with or without your family, otherwise she probably would not have bedded you or reacted the way she did when you cut her off. You were not all in with your marriage before that fateful weekend began - why weren't you?

[This message edited by icangetpastthis at 11:11 AM, Tuesday, December 13th]

M = 43 yrsDDay = March 2020
Me/BS = 62WH = 64
Working on reconciliation, one day at a time.

posts: 25   ·   registered: Jun. 16th, 2020   ·   location: A broken heart.
id 8769304
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 MrSansone (original poster new member #82487) posted at 2:40 AM on Wednesday, January 4th, 2023

I want to start by saying I have read all the comments. I hope I am posting in the correct place for responding to comments.

I agree with all the comments stating that I am 100% in the wrong. I deserved to be divorced. I don't deserve the beautiful person I was married to. She is absolutely incredible. She is beautiful, she is forgiving and I couldn't be more blessed to have such a wonderful Mother for my son.

I may sound very selfish, but I am still dying inside. I think more so now that I have been in IC and I have been working on bettering myself. It has just opened my eyes wider to what I lost. I have become desperate, and I am losing my mind. I have a bit of OCD, and I find myself obsessing over her. I spent the holiday alone. I had found out details of her rapist and what he did to her, how he stalked her and just harassed her, and she was all alone. She was afraid and he hurt her, and he had planned on harming my son because he hates the fact that she has a child with another man, there is a chance he could go to a halfway house because he is more delusional and crazy than I am.

I found out more than I should have, it has just led me to Obsess over what I threw away. I let her down and I hate letting people down. I saw her when I dropped off gifts for the kids. She spoke to me at length for the first time. I walked away, feeling like shit. I know I deserve it. But I find myself constantly thinking about her, and missing her. I feel jealous of other men she is "friends" with. Men who "help" her around the house. Because her (EX)husband isn't there doing what I should be doing, so she has "friends".

I see that one of these men definitely has intentions, and it's not innocent by any means. I feel I should be trying t win her back, I should be trying to prove to her that in the future I would be a good husband. She doesn't need to be out in the world getting fucked by other men. She isn't that kind of woman.

I also have been losing my mind because I have a bag of baby hair in my possession. It belongs to her daughter, My son had it in his overnight bag. It was crazy how it ended up coming to me. My son is OBSESSED with Science! I gave him a Microscope, and he had a shoe box of items he wanted to look at and "research" a bag of cutting from his sister's hair, some things he found in the yard. It has taken every ounce of will within me not to take that baby's hair ad get a DNA test. I have not told anyone I have it. Yet, I feel I will be betraying my Ex again if I go behind her back and get this test. But I know she will never go for it. She seems convinced this baby is her rapist. I think she hates me so much she rather her baby be conceived through rape, than through having sex with me.

This little baby girl is an angel. I care for her and I gave her gifts for Christmas as if she were my own. I saw her when my Ex and I were talking, we were talking about Co-Parenting, dates for sleepovers, etc. I couldn't keep my eyes off this baby. She has my Olive skin, hair, and my eyes. My Ex would tell me I had the most beautiful, Huge Dark eyes, amazing eyelashes, and eyebrows and she was jealous! I made the comment, her daughter has the most beautiful dark eyes, eyelashes, and long perfect eyebrows! Her reaction was, off. She seemed to be nervous or it made her uneasy. Either, it bothers her because The man who raped her has a similar. He's Greek and has the look of a Greek man. Or She knows the baby is mine and she looks just like me. Which, I think she does. My family thinks she does. But I also tell myself, she's a baby. She may change. I am hurting and I am dying thinking of the love of my life having a baby with another man. This happened because I was a disgusting fool and I caused this, I destroyed her life, and my sons life. I blew my life to pieces and now this baby is the result of a Nightmare and maybe I am just going absolutely crazy!

I don't want anyone to think I am going to do something crazy I am not, I just hurt. I just feel out of my body. I am still in love with my wife. I cheated and it had nothing to d with me not loving my wife, or not being happy in my marriage. I am still very much attracted to my ex physically, and VERY sexually. I have not had sex with any other woman since all this. I have no desire to. Unless it's my ex-wife. I think about her more now than I did when we were married. So my cheating wasn't a result of me not wanting my wife. I just needed to put this out in the world. IC is just making me hurt more, I just left crying because I realize I'm alone. I'm A sexual and I will never find another woman like my Ex. I don't want anyone else but her. I don't like the idea of dating. I don't like the idea of another woman I would never trust another woman. I would always be living a lie with another woman because I'm still head over heels for my EX.

I also just want to say I absolutely hate her neighbor/Gym "trainer" partner. The guy is a sleaze and I hate him around my kid and my wife. I see how he looks at her and I hope he dies a slow and painful death. I feel better now. I know that was a petty comment, but hell. I am told to speak my truth and so there it is.

posts: 11   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2022   ·   location: Miami
id 8771969
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BraveSirRobin ( member #69242) posted at 5:24 AM on Wednesday, January 4th, 2023

Hey, Mr. S. A lot to unpack there.

Unfortunately, you are in the toughest stage of the work, the one where you turn and face yourself with shields down. You're trying to accept responsibility for the power you abused, and you are being required accept that you no longer have any power over the outcome of your marriage. This requirement is why new BS are strongly recommended to not offer reconciliation right away. Most of us WS don't get to the core of acceptance #1 if we aren't forced to face the reality of acceptance #2.

Years ago, I went to Weight Watchers with a large number of pounds to lose. Members were asked to stand up and share with the group after reaching their first goal, which was 10% of their body weight. Most people talked about how much better they felt, the clothes they could wear, and the compliments they received. I stood up and said I had never felt fatter in my life. I said this honestly, because I was finally looking at reality. I had known I was overweight, but I was in total denial about how bad it had really gotten. Getting into the program made me take off the delusion goggles, and right when I was making the first progress of a long time, I was overwhelmed by how far I had left to go. It's normal to feel that way when you look at reality. It also sucks.

I will suggest that your next step might be to tackle your beliefs about what your ex-wife does and doesn't need. Most single women like sex. If she decides to sleep with one or more of these men friends, then the "kind of woman" she is is human. It's understandable that you find this gutting, but honestly, the best thing for her, after a sexual trauma, is to find someone she can feel comfortable with physically. For her sake, and frankly for the health of your future relationships, work on coming to terms with this. It's good that you're not thinking about dating while still hung up on your ex, but you won't feel that way forever.

WW/BW

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Hippo16 ( member #52440) posted at 12:58 PM on Wednesday, January 4th, 2023


MrSansone

Suggest you keep above post by BraveSirRobin and read it daily for a week or two.

Your ex-wife has to heal the damage done to her by your actions. Given she left 'right away' indicates to me she has firm rules about how she will conduct her life. You violated HER rule -

I see the best thing for you is to plot your course in life without her. In time memories may mellow but don't count on that happening anytime in particular.

Your actions revealed her trust in you adhering to the marriage tenants was misplaced. In so doing - you left her with the knowledge that her assessment of your integrity was wrong.

You are asking how to earn her trust? Look up trust and how to earn it and how people react when trust is violated. - and how long, if ever, trust is restored.

Not knowing your wife's disposition towards considering trust in you, I am (sorry to say) pessimistic that trust will return anytime in the next several years. Try to put yourself in the position of being the one whose spouse decided to partake of a one-night-stand. How long do you wait to see if they become trustworthy? Poser: How do you KNOW when to again trust?

Sad story but worth a read. Your wife seems to be of the persuasion of this poster:

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/552588/thought-we-had-a-good-marriage/


Your act of self indulgence has done MAJOR damage to your ex-wife. I wish I could see something positive for your future regarding her but best I can think of is you will eventually get to see your child. Or children if you find out you really are the father of the girl child.

There's no troubled marriage that can't be made worse with adultery.If you’re looking for an adrenaline rush, why not bungee jumping off a bridge span? For an extra thrill, don’t anchor the cord.

posts: 882   ·   registered: Mar. 26th, 2016   ·   location: OBX
id 8772001
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Bulcy ( member #74034) posted at 2:40 PM on Wednesday, January 4th, 2023

Mr S,

A huge amount to unpick here.

The posts above say a lot of the things I was planning on saying. As suggested above, read BraveSirRibins post again and again.

The comments I will make as a WS myself are:

- We are selfish, that sums up every wayward that has ever existed. When this is being pointed out, it is meant to help you understand this. I've been stuck in my own selfish world for years during fake R. I was still putting my feelings and my needs before mu BS. I believed everything she was telling me was to hurt me and to attack me. I refused to "do the work" as I felt I did not need to. I was no longer involved with other women, so what was the point? I was over it! A huge pile of self serving bullshit. You need to dig into yourself for any future relationship. This too could apply to work, family or friends. I was wayward with everyone in my life to one degree or another.

- There is no chance of improving relationships with family and especially your wife while you're still in a wayward mindset. It's great to see you're in individual counselling. This will help you become at peace with yourself.

- Read Cheating in a nutshell. This is a very difficult book to read as a wayward. It holds no punches and tells a wayward how their BS is feeling and what is driving their decisions.

- If you've not already read it read How to help your spouse heal from your affair. I fear this will not help you recover your marriage with BS, but will help you to see that every choice you made was yours and yours alone.

- Read the posts pinned to the top of this board. Keep reading them.

- Lastly and importantly, do not get defensive with the posts made on here. It is rare that WS get attacked on this forum and any BS that posts on here is doing so for your benefit. Please treat the posts as such. We are here to help one another become better people. Even if this means we become better in a completely new life situation.

Please keep posting and reading.

WH (50's)

Multiple sexual, emotional and online affairs. Financial infidelity and emotional abuse. Physical abuse and intimidation.

D-days 2003, 2017, multiple d-days and TT through 2018 to 2023. 28 years of destructive and health damaging choice

posts: 364   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2020   ·   location: UK
id 8772012
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Bor9455 ( member #72628) posted at 6:35 PM on Wednesday, January 4th, 2023

I also have been losing my mind because I have a bag of baby hair in my possession. It belongs to her daughter, My son had it in his overnight bag. It was crazy how it ended up coming to me. My son is OBSESSED with Science! I gave him a Microscope, and he had a shoe box of items he wanted to look at and "research" a bag of cutting from his sister's hair, some things he found in the yard. It has taken every ounce of will within me not to take that baby's hair ad get a DNA test. I have not told anyone I have it. Yet, I feel I will be betraying my Ex again if I go behind her back and get this test. But I know she will never go for it. She seems convinced this baby is her rapist. I think she hates me so much she rather her baby be conceived through rape, than through having sex with me.


Wow, that is not an easy topic. I can understand that if you think you have a legitimate claim to be this girls father, that you would want to have full parental rights to be in her life just as your son is today. The answer about whether or not she is your daughter will certainly give you some peace, or at least your post reads that way to me. I think it is very important that you take what you know to your attorney or a family practice lawyer for the best advice on how best to proceed from here. You cannot solve this one without the assistance of others and a family law attorney would be best equipped to guide you on that one.


I feel jealous of other men she is "friends" with. Men who "help" her around the house. Because her (EX)husband isn't there doing what I should be doing, so she has "friends".

I see that one of these men definitely has intentions, and it's not innocent by any means. I feel I should be trying t win her back, I should be trying to prove to her that in the future I would be a good husband. She doesn't need to be out in the world getting fucked by other men. She isn't that kind of woman.

Spoiler alert: 2x4 incoming, duck if you aren't ready to hear this because it's gonna hit like a truck of bricks.


I think you need to work with your IC on this and what is driving this because it is a whole heaping pile of misogynistic entitlement and hypocrisy. You stated in your post that you lusted after this work colleague and you eventually consummated a relationship with her. Your AP didn't want just a one weekend thing, she wanted more and she had intentions for more and I'm going to assume that she had intentions with you before your relationship turned physical. All of these things happened while you were still married to your ex-wife and she had an expectation that you would maintain your fidelity to her and your family. You deliberately choose a different path.

Now fast forward to the present, your ex-wife may have a few male suitors poking around. She is a single woman with agency over her life and body. If she chooses to sleep with them, that is her business and and her's alone. It quite literally stopped being your problem or concern the minute that you laid down with your AP. It is hypocritical and possessive of you to think that you should have any say over any relationships or adult activities that your ex-wife chooses to participate in. You seem to suggest in your post that what she is doing isn't okay, when it is the exact opposite, what she is doing is healthy and normal for a divorcee coming off a trauma such as her. You will need to work with your IC to break yourself of this mindset. I understand that you now have come to regret your choice of having an EA/PA and it hurts, it truly does. However, what you are seeing is the consequences of your actions, which so many WS don't ever think about before they jump into the sack. I hope for you that you can find some peace and understand where your mistakes from this relationship came so that you can be better for the next one.

Myself - BH & WH - Born 1985 Her - BW & WW - Born 1986

D-Day for WW's EA - October 2017D-Day no it turned PA - February 01, 2020

posts: 665   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2020   ·   location: Miami
id 8772064
Topic is Sleeping.
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