Newest Member: Notarunnerup

Bulcy

WH (40's) Me. Emotional affair (2017), Physical affair (2003) and online affairs. Two ONS (2000) D-Day's 2003 August '17 and Jan 21

A sex question from BS (oral v penetrative)

Not related to affairs, but inside the marriage.

A graphic question (maybe)......

I prefer to climax during penetrative sex over oral sex. Often during oral sex I will want to move to penetration to climax, both from a physical stimulation point of view and from a closeness/connection point of view. BS asked if this was "different" from other guys out there. It seems through movies and media that climax through oral sex is the "holy grail" of male expectations. I really don't feel this. Don't get me wrong, it's nice, but without a doubt I prefer us to be close and connected when I climax.

Am I alone?

Sorry for the personal level of this question.

12 comments posted: Friday, February 5th, 2021

Telling family

Just over a week ago, I contacted my father and my sister to tell them all about my affairs and confess to them how I have acted through my entire marriage and before. This was done for a few reasons.

1) It has been recommened on here and in other literature that we read that doing this can be beneficial to the healing process and in letting family know it can take some of the stress away from both of us.

2) While I am in IC, I have no one I can talk to other than BS. While I can open up to her, we are both suffering from the same pain caused by me. I feel stupid going to her to sound off when her pain is so much greater than mind AND I'm the cause.

3) I just felt, deep down that I needed to. I needed to let them know who I am.

Well, I told my father first and he minimised everything. Some of my wayward behaviour happened before we got married, so that was dismissed without further thought. The online activity was kind of ignored and the EA....Well, I had given up listening at this point. He the proceeded to tell me that he did not particularly like my wife and that before my grandmother died she told him that she hopes we never marry. I was devastated. My BS was listening to the call to. We both burst into tears and held one another after I had hung up. I feel sick even now thinking that he would say such a thing.

Later in the evening I contacted my sister. I broke down before I could even begin talking. I scared the life out of her as she had no idea what was going on. When I composed myself and managed to get some form of confession out she was stunned. She called be a bloody idiot and then next thing was to offer her full support to my BS saying that if there was anything they could do to help her then she only has to ask. She told me that she loves us both and that she will do everything she can to help in any reconciliation (she did admit that she thought there was not much she could do other that say good luck and stick with it). I contacted her again a few days later and told her the full story slightly more calmly. Again she offered her support to us both, passed on a message from her husband (that I was a twat and if BS needed anything then please contact him).

I can't believe the contrast in family members.

The difficulty now is what we do when Covid is over and people want to get together. My BS is embarrassed by everything and feels she cannot face my sister at the moment. She, quite rightly, wants nothing to do with my father again, but loves my mother and will miss her terribly.

I am talking to my sister at least once a week and we are now closer than we have been for years. I hope that in time we will all be able to meet again.

3 comments posted: Tuesday, January 12th, 2021

Contact OW

Hi,

My BS and I made the decision to contact two of my AP's. We want to get their story of how the our relationships started, built and ultimately ended. With a view to this being compared to my timeline. I messaged them through Facebook and Linked in.

The messages were discussed and reviewed by BS for leading content and that they were of sufficient tone to not be overly friendly, aggressive,nasty, etc. Just the right tone and content that these women MIGHT just feel some empathy towards BS and I and help. I made it clear that I hold no animosity to them and do not blame them for anything that happened and that I take full responsibility for my actions.

Well, this was done on Sunday and as yet we've heard nothing. We even added a line in the message saying along the lines of "If you do not feel you can help with this request, please respond saying so and I will accept that at least I tried"

So, have any of you done this and how long did you wait for a reply before giving up hope? Even if you have not, I would value your opinions.

13 comments posted: Tuesday, January 12th, 2021

Recommended IC

Guys. Not sure if this is OK but can anyone recommend a decent IC. I'm in the UK, so will obviously have to be done over Skype/Teams/a conference suite of some description. I'm checking out some more local to me obviously, but there are a lot of them.

If not OK mods then please delete and accept my apologies.

1 comment posted: Tuesday, November 24th, 2020

Most pointless lie

My BS and I have been discussing recovery and my behavior during my affairs. We brushed on the utterly pointless lies I told which only damaged recovery or raised questions about me during the time before d-day. We have agreed as part of our recovery that there are no lies...about ANYTHING...Even Christmas or Birthdays. I do not tell her what I have bought, but if she asks I will tell her. (She has not, but the principle is there).

It made me think of something that happened only yesterday. I was leaving the bathroom and needed to get into our spare bedroom to retrieve something. The Vacuum cleaner was in the way. I picked it up, and swung it out of the way. CRASH! It hit the door and damaged it. I repaired the damage and told BS when she got home....A nothing story you're thinking...Well, not really. For a split second I thought about lying about the damage and not telling her. WTAF!?! In the past I would have done this and if she had discovered the damage I would have lied about it!

Now I get lies about having affairs. But what stupid, insignificant lies did you tell you BS? How do you feel about it now?

It took me a long time to get out of the mindset of silly little lies. I've lied in the past about spending £20 ($26) on something saying I had spent £10 on it!! Madness.

12 comments posted: Wednesday, November 18th, 2020

Self justifications

Hi,

I'm looking into the justifications I told myself when having my affairs. I've tried to list them and remember what I did to tell me my actions were both acceptable and warranted. I'm also trying to link these into the timeline. The logic being try to understand at what point I was with my justifications during what stage(s) of an affairs. (hopefully that makes sense).

My questions to other WS's is not what justifications you told yourself. I need to remember mine without knowing yours. I'm asking for input into:

1) how did you come to these justifications. For me, I did not sit down and think I want to sleep with this woman, so lets think of some excuses. Well, that's not entirely true. I did think I wanted to sleep with her and my head did the rest. Every time something happened then the justifications just seemed to be there. I really don't remember this being an entirely conscious thing! Is this just me kidding myself? I know I knew what I was doing was wrong. BUT I also remember switching this guilt off because of the justifications. I genuinely believed them at the time too.

2) When did you stop believing them? Some of mine continued from my first affair and stayed with me for years. Only on doing some self reflection and reading did I see what the hell was happening to me and the lies I was believing.

3) Have you managed to sit with BS and explain them? This is a real struggle for me. Firstly because they were just not true so there is no justification for the justifications. Secondly because I'm only just starting to work on them properly, my initial thoughts are (as with a lot of our work) either not thought about enough or still shrouded in the lies i'm still believing. Thirdly, I am getting angry during the discussions we are having and this is causing us to regress back to previous stages of recovery. I struggle putting into words what I thought I was feeling and telling myself. This is, quite rightly, being challenged and I get angry. (I know this is unacceptable. Previous episodes of anger were when I was lying about elements of the affair, so clearly I need to do more work on my justifications).

4) I know some of my actions have permanently scarred my BS. As most of these are based on fantasy and lies. Do I have any hope of helping her? She has endured years of my affairs and abuse and clearly has no idea who I am of who she is. I need to be able to really ascertain how terrible a person I was AND how I could allow me to be that person, before there is any hope of me helping her.

5) What did you do to keep the justifications going? Were they always there or did you justify once and never look back? Did you change the justifications to suit the situation?

6) Have you managed to "deal" with the feelings of guilt and shame surrounding the bullshit you were feeding yourself? I know understanding this is only the tip of an enormous iceberg. I'm struggling with this too. I hate being like this as I've got no right to feel like this given that pain and damage I have inflicted on BS and our marriage.

7) Is there anything out there to help me unravel all this crap?! help me understand what ad how I was doing this? (Books, threads on here, other sites etc)

Some of my justifications:

1) We were not happy. (Firstly not true and secondly a bit of a cliche).

2) She will make me happier.

3) It's is OK to sleep with someone else as long as you don't get caught. If you do then just deal with it when it happens.

4) It feels good and I'm entitled to feel good.

5) I focused on the negative things about my BS. Crazy things that normal people would not even notice, let alone get upset or annoyed about. As I was annoyed by this, I used it to fuel the other justifications.

6) There were "friends" of both myself and AP who promoted the affair and validated my actions. I did not see this for what it was but again used this to justify continuing with the affair.

7) I could shut down emotionally from my BS and cared very little about the possible impact the affairs would have on her. I need to work on this immediately as it is impacting recovery in a big way.

10 comments posted: Sunday, November 15th, 2020

Getting back the innocence.

I read with interest the "lost innocence" thread on the General forum. My BS and I are going through exactly this. We're trying to come to terms with the loss of all of the "firsts" and have been discussing what can be done to get new firsts and start our happy memories again.

Have any of you worked through this and what did you do? We are planning new adventures together and are looking at what has been damaged and what can be done to replace the broken areas of our marriage while not forgetting what I have done to so badly hurt my wife and our past life together..

2 comments posted: Monday, October 19th, 2020

Meditation

Part of the IC call I had yesterday related to meditation. It was recommended as a method to help focus the mind, both from a self healing and self reflection. Ultimately helping me with the whys and how’s.

I do not have any idea on how to do this, but was recommended yo look at YouTube for guided meditation as a start. There are loads of videos on YouTube.

Can anyone recommend a video or series they have used (are using)?

11 comments posted: Saturday, August 8th, 2020

First I/C call tonight

Have booked a series of I/C and mentoring sessions. The first one is tonight. I'm hoping this goes better than MC. The guy doing it specialises in infidelity, so I really hope to get maximum benefit.

2 comments posted: Friday, August 7th, 2020

Bonding again

Hi,

BS and I were discussing last night about us bonding again. Part of this discussion turned to do we know one another. Following my infidelity we began the process of writing timelines, bonding sexually, working on the whys and hows, getting me out of the fog etc. One of the things we did was to look online at questions to ask one another with a view to getting to know each other again. The questions we found were pretty lame so we dropped this idea..... Last night we thought about it again. Which leads me to this question(s)...

What did you do to reestablish a bond with BS?

Are there any decent online resources to help?

Did you uncover anything interesting about BS?

I'm not after anything that would be covered by the usual books on healing, just some fun stuff really. BS and I are working through a few books, but would like to have something to do together during a bit of downtime.

WS and BS opinions welcome.

Thanks

5 comments posted: Tuesday, July 28th, 2020

Rewriting History

There was a post earlier, which was moved to I can relate. This asked the question about WS changing history of the relationship to justify their affair. I was guilty of this in that I said I was not happy in my relationship, my BS would annoy me I even used I don't think I loved you. All horse sh*t.

What have you guys done in rewriting your history that you later regretted and subsequently reworked you timeline to correct these lies? Also, do you know why you did it?

17 comments posted: Tuesday, July 28th, 2020

My Story

I used terms like “harmless flirting” and “nothing happened” in this timeline. I used them and others to reflect my opinion at the time. They do not represent my opinion now. I have also condensed areas as this is going to be a long post. I will answer questions and add to it where necessary.

Together since 1995 Married 2014.

D-Day 1 2003 – Affair with female friend

D-Day 2 2017 – Affair with female COW – LTA 22 months

D-Day 3 2019 – Multiple online affairs and porn use

I met my wife (BS) in 1995 while working in a local social club. There was an 18th Birthday party at which she was a guest. We spoke on that evening and even had a dance together. I gave her and her friend a lift home. The next day I gave my phone number to her friend and asked that she ask my wife to call me. We went on a date and hit is off. We dated through the summer until I was offered a job in another city. We decided we should try and have a long-distance relationship. I really wanted this relationship to continue as I knew that I was falling in love with her and did not want to be without her. This long-distance relationship worked well, and I would often return home (sometimes for surprise) visits. She soon started University near to where I was living and working. In this time during the long-distance relationship we both declared we loved one another.

In 1999 I returned to my hometown to start a University course (a mature student).

D-Day 1

I had a friend at Uni who was living with his girlfriend and another woman. I would visit and soon noticed that the other woman (AP1) was interested in me. She would smile and make an effort to come and speak with me. I liked this attention and reciprocated. I did find her attractive and enjoyed talking with her. I did not see this as a red flag at the time as nothing was happening. She would ask how I was and what I had been up to since we last spoke. Her demeanour was open and overtly friendly. We started flirting with one another and then inappropriate physical contact. She would try and push me around or wrestle with me. I would easily overpower her. I enjoyed this and wanted more of it. She would enjoy the contact and the flirting. I withdrew from my relationship with BS, I convinced myself that we were not happy (not true) and that this behaviour was acceptable because I was only having a bit of fun. This went on for a month or so. It was building up in frequency. During this time, I was thinking more and more about taking things further. I was trying to make it clear that I wanted to take things further and I guess she was too. I say that because the night we first kissed one of our “friends” got annoyed at us flirting and said “Oh for gods sake just kiss”. I was around 30 at the time but showed the emotional maturity of a 16-year-old. We kissed and I did try to have sex with her, but she stopped me. While I was frustrated and annoyed at not getting any further that night, I did stop, and I went home. She did say, when she stopped me, that the only reason she did was because I was in a relationship. I think it could have been her trying to force my hand into leaving my BS as I can think of no other reason for the sunned attack of morals. I felt guilty at this point as I was clearly in an affair. The self-justifications were flying, and I just carried on doing what I wanted. I was a self-centred selfish arsehole. I thought about the damage I was causing to my BS but chose not to worry about it as I would never be caught. I remember telling myself that I would deal with it if I ever was caught. I have no idea what this meant, but it was another excuse to continue and ignore any pain caused. The affair continued after this kissing session, I think she felt a little uncomfortable about turning me down and there was a slightly nervous moment when we met again. It took a couple of times before things were back to flirting and touching. I thought I was at this time falling in love with her (not real of course). We all (BS and AP1 included) went out for a meal one evening, I was touching the AP under that table. My BS challenged me on this, and I denied everything. To cut a long story short I left my BS and went to AP1. I moved in with the three of them. That night we had sex. My BS called me late that night and begged me to come home. We agreed that I would come home the next day and talk. We discussed what we wanted and that she (BS) did not want to lose me. I agreed to take a couple of days away to think about things and decide on what I wanted to do.

I took a couple of days away to think. I thought about what had happened to me and what the hell was I thinking. I knew I had made a mistake and wanted to stay with my BS. When I got home, I spoke with BS and said that this was my decision. We discussed letting AP1 know and I suggested I tell her in person as I thought I owed her that. A huge mistake as I was not out of the affair and I owed her nothing. I went to her place and she knew straightaway that I had made the decision to stay with BS and she was upset. She was alone in the house. She asked me to reconsider and tried to kiss me. While I pulled back the first time, I did not the second. We kissed and we had sex again. I knew straight away what a catastrophic mistake I had made. I was numb. I apologised and left. I sat in my car for 15 minutes in a state of panic. I was so pathetically weak. I knew doing what I did would shatter any hope I had of repairing my relationship with BS. I decided that the best option would be to lie about it. Pretend it never happened. I take full responsibility for my actions that day. I hate myself and what happened. Reflecting on this pushed me into a cycle of self loathing and even more anger. I wrote a few pages previously (for BS to read, not posted on here) about how I felt and how much I hated myself. Subsequently, I realised this is not necessarily a secure way into R. I need to shake these feeling off and focus my attention on my wife and recovery. I’m not ignoring these feelings, but I’m no longer letting them delay recovery or understanding why.

I never saw or spoke to AP1 again after that, although I was in contact with my “friend” for a couple of weeks after, but I realised quickly this was not healthy, so contact was broken with these people too. I did not do any subsequent self-reflection or any attempt to fix myself properly. The affair was swept under the carpet and rarely spoken about again until D-day 2.

Porn

Between 2004 and 2017 I was watching a lot of porn. This was a substitute to physical contact with my BS. I thought we had reached a natural decline in our sex life and thought that watching porn and using this to satisfy any urge I had was OK. The porn use was often. It did start with short viewings and limited usage, as this was enough to get me excited and I would get what I needed. After years of watching it, I had become quite immune to it. The standard porn was not enough to get me excited as I had seen it all before. I would search out different typed of pornography and it would be some quite hard-core stuff. This was happening a few times a week. I would be browsing 30+ videos before I found something that would be what I wanted. Close intimacy with by BS was very limited. This was my choice. BS tried to initiate sex, but I rarely agreed. Since D day our sex life has improved greatly (A period of HB followed by more emotionally linked love making).

D-Day 2

I had a long-term emotional affair with COW (AP2). This started in October 2015 and continued through to August 2017. We worked in the same department as accountants for a manufacturing company. She was new to the business and was struggling with understanding what was needed of her. This applied to a male colleague too. I liked her and when our boss asked another colleague and I to take these two under our wings to help them I took this opportunity to work closer with AP2. We worked together and I helped her get a sound knowledge of the systems used in the business. A few days after doing this work, I received an e-mail from her which was slightly flirtatious. I flirted back. She would be very jokey with me and want to grab a coffee whenever I was making one. In these early days I would be making coffee with a male colleague. She would be there with us and the three of us would chat. Despite the work we had done together and us hitting the deadlines, the team, as a whole did not. In the January of 2017 we all received an undeserved dressing down from management. She was upset by this and we spoke together in private, where she cried. She told me she wanted to move to another job, but it was too soon. I agreed to help her with the additional workload we were given. Classic Knight in shining armour. Once again, we worked well together. E-mail exchanges between us increased in the early part of 2016 they would be less professional discussing work frustrations, the fact that management were being unsupportive, and wanting further help. She would no longer ask anyone else for help and focussed her attention on me. I did think at the time this was odd behaviour but welcomed the attention. She continued to try and make me feel good about myself and I was happy to help her where possible, enjoying the attention I was getting. Looking back, I was clearly in an affair with her but did not realise or want to realise it at the time. The e-mails were soon becoming more flirtatious as well as ego massaging. I was living the lie that this was acceptable as we were both having a hard time at work and this flirtation was harmless. I was not considering that this had become something much more serious and we were in an affair. I refused to accept this until way after D-day.

Text messaging started in the March and phone calls in the April. These were frequent, several text messages a day and four or five calls a week. I hid these from BS and ended calls before I got home. I knew she would not like me calling another woman so hid it. While still in denial of the affair I was protecting myself and the affair. Clearly lying to myself and my BS. I was talking to OW about not being happy in my job and how I was applying for a new role elsewhere. We would talk about anything that came up, but I was making time to have these conversations. I would let OW know what time I planned to leave so we could have a call. This continued for another year. There was no physical contact, but the calls, texts and e-mails continued. The summer of 2017 was an opportunity for the entire team to join a European conference which would involve a hotel stay. I have only recently accepted that I was falling in love with her. Fake love of course, but I was in the affair deeply (Limerence?). I am genuinely happy that D-day happened before this conference. I denied for such a long time that anything would have happened. With a few drinks inside us who knows? It seems stupid to deny that there was a high probability that something could have happened. A few weeks before this conference I was challenged by BS. I, as before, denied any affair and told her this was all in her head. BS found evidence on my mobile phone and confronted me with this. I only partially accepted anything was going on even with this evidence. On discovery of the affair I deleted text messages and call evidence as well as e-mails. We did manage to retrieve all the e-mail from the work server, but not text messages (this was on a work phone, so no chance of getting them once I had left). Although I did only delete a fraction of them. There was enough still on the phone to prove there was an affair. While still in denial and firmly in the fog, I agreed to end the affair. The following Monday I went to work and tried to explain to AP2 that we were in an affair and we needed to end contact. She denied an affair and even laughed at the thought. She did agree to NC. Ture NC was made impossible as we still worked together, and she was still e-mailing me. We agreed that mails could still happen if they were strictly business related and professional. I did once or twice respond to e-mails, but in the main maintained NC. I did break that in a big way on my last day in the company (~6 months after D-day) by attending a leaving lunch with everyone in the office (having said I would not do so). OW was there. Another selfish act and betrayal. I called AP2 after I got home on the night, I left the business with my BS present. I ended that affair again at this time and told her that there was to be NC. She was still in denial but did keep to NC until recently where she read my LinkedIn profile. (see recent thread).

Post DD2 I was in denial about the affair. I had accepted the existence of emotional affairs but refused to accept that I was involved in one. It took me several months after I had left my job before I acknowledged that I was fully in this affair. I was resentful of any attempt by BS to understand the affair and would get defensive whenever challenged. This was of course because I was both lying and TT her (once again protecting myself). She would get upset at my lack of attention to her or me trying to understand why. We would argue and I would get angry at her. I engaged in rug sweeping, denials and lies. On multiple occasions I have left the home and the relationship rather than deal with my shortcomings. I had given up, thinking that the situation cannot be fixed, again rather than face my failure as a husband and a wayward in recovery. I wanted things to be forgotten about and we should just “move on”. I was firmly in the fog for at least 12-month post DD2 and in denial and protecting myself for a further 12 months. I attempted to self-reflect, but in the most half arsed way imaginable. I have recently look at my first timeline (maybe 500 words) compared to my most recent which is well over 16,000.

I constantly screwed up. I did things I said I would not and did not do things I said I would. I’m ashamed to say that it took me so long to even attempt to “get it”. Reading the forum and the great books that are out there really hit home how much time I’ve wasted and how I’ve damaged further any chance at R. I sometimes shout at the screen when reading the Wayward forum or the Just Found Out. It is so sad to read that people are making some of the same mistakes I have. During the period after D-day we were making some progress. This was shattered once again when BS found online affairs via Twitter (D-day 3). Initially I opened the Twitter account because I wanted to know what it was all about and why so many people were on it. (I did not, and still don’t quite get it.) I did set up a short profile and friended a few others. I friended a woman who was posting on another sports forum I was a member of. I used Twitter to flirt with her and a few of her friends. We would be highly sexual, and they would post photos at my request. I would get some sexual satisfaction from this but did sign off and use porn after. This was relatively short lived as I was worried about any fallout from flirting with these women as they were in relationships too. I initially felt relaxed about pushing the boundaries as it was all online and therefore “not real”. It did become real though, they all lived locally, and I was considering trying to meet up with them. Things had got serious and I stopped. I did not delete the account or the messages, but rarely did I go on Twitter again after this. By the time of d-day2 I had completely pushed this from my mind and dare I say it...I had forgotten that this even happened. It was only when confronted again did I remember. I did also communicate with women on Facebook, these were also inappropriate as they were both hidden from my BS and on reflection inappropriate in content (some mentioned they used to fancy me at school other I would try to invite out for drinks with other schools friends. These other friends we “unsafe” and have since been defriended). During the time after DD2 I have thought about other women I have acted badly around. I flirted with a woman I worked with while at university, I made it clear I liked her. She fortunately told me to “Go away” in no uncertain terms. I acted as a guarantor on a loan for a friend (£5,000), at no point did I mention this to my BS. I put us at a level of financial risk. This loan came before period of transition in my career. I could not afford the repayments should my friend have missed a payment. I put both my BS and me in financial risk. This friend has also been removed from my life.

I have since deleted most social media accounts. I have Facebook and LinkedIn. I work in a professional environment and use LinkedIn to keep in contact with job agencies and fellow accountants. I have recently had a break of NC from AP2 (as detailed on another thread). Subsequently BS and I tightened up security and made sure she cannot contact me. BS had full access to this account, and we review together who my contacts are and who I can and can’t link to. Facebook is for family and “safe friends” only.

Post DD3 we discussed and deleted over 100 people from FB. As with LinkedIn BS has access to this account too. I have given over access to my e-mail, mobile phone and bank account. At any time, my BS can see whatever she likes. This can happen either on her own or when we’re sat together. We have been through HB immediately after DD2 and this lasted for quite some time. Since then our sex life had not reduced much but is now art of our normal life. We are now physically and emotionally bonding on an amazing level.

I have removed any “unsafe” friends from my life, these being people who knew about the affairs (and were complicit) or friends who have engaged in similar activities. I have no contact with people I previously worked with. The only exceptions to this being a close colleague who retired and a “safe” friend who no longer works for the business. This to remove any chance of breaking NC through a third party and to avoid triggers. I have removed most female friends from Facebook and contact list on my phone. The only ones I have are either professional (vetted by BS) or close “safe” friends. I’m attempting to give my BS everything I failed to give her in the past. I’m always trying to give 110% and focus my attention on her.

We are both regularly reading and contributing to SI as well as other forums. We are working together through various books (previously discussed) and talk about what happened in the affairs and why. As stated above, I have written a detailed timeline and we are working through this together generating several why questions. We went to MC but found this to be of little use. The councillor seemed to blame my BS for the affair. Before we got a chance to address this issue, it was cut short due to Covid. We will not return but are considering options for another councillor. We have not tried IC as there are very few specialist people in our area. Maybe this is a UK thing?!? It seems the US is more geared up for this.

I have been making mental notes of the triggers my BS suffers and try to either avoid them or be there as support when they happen. I no longer get angry when BS is triggered and understand that they are my fault. We have put in boundaries to ensure safety and to retrain my mindset. I am not having 1:1 meeting with female work colleagues unless this is in an open plan office. I invite at least one other to the meeting should we be discussion confidential matters. Any contact via personal e-mail or text message is shown to BS, all passwords have been handed over, my old mobile phone has been handed over too.

I have such deep regret for all my actions and the extreme damage I have caused my BS. She is an amazing person who is sticking by me despite the huge mount of damage I have done to her and our marriage. I am extremely lucky to still be in a position to work on recovery.

I am open to opinions from both BS's and WS's so no stop sign. I have missed out a lot of information on feelings as these are, currently, be shared with BS only. I may add these to this post in time.

8 comments posted: Tuesday, July 21st, 2020

Contact from AP?

I had an email from Linked in earlier today with a list of people who have viewed my profile. The former AP is on that list. I have received no contact from her, but I view this a a breach on NC. I’ve told my wife, as soon as she got home. She was however aware of the email as I have agreed to her having access to my account.

We’re both upset and angered by this. I’m not sure what to do. I’m reluctant to contact her to tell her to f**k off again as this could been seen by her as me reaching out. I don’t think you can block people from viewing your profile either.

I’m really angry at this, especially at the upset caused to both my wife and myself.

Help!!

29 comments posted: Monday, June 8th, 2020

Helping my BS

Hi, My BS and I have spent a huge amount of time trying to unpick and understand my affairs. We've been through so may steps in looking into me and trying to fix me that we have neglected her.

We are now nearly three years post D-Day 1 and I have wasted so much of this time not helping the recovery and resenting her attempts to help. My wife has read extensively into understanding what the hell I was doing and why. I, eventually, got my head out of my arse and myself out of the fog and have been working on me too. (I will write my story in another post).

The thing which has been neglected is her recovery. We're hoping that some of this will come from fixing me, but everything we read suggests we need to work on her too. That is where we need help. Our councilor was, until lock down, focusing on me and us. NOT her. We're thinking of switching to someone new when we can. Unfortunately we cannot do this at the moment. We have been looking for books that focus on healing the betrayed but have not found anything which is working. Can anyone recommend something that helped your betrayed? We're working together on re-building trust but really need help on her.

This forum has been fantastic for both of us. While most of our reading has been on fixing me and us we spoke today about the need to help her.

Any help will be appreciated.

FYI The books we've read/reading fro me/us are:

Infidelity why men and women cheat - K Rosenberg

Infidelity Exploring the myths - J Moore

Out of the Doghouse - R Weiss

I love you but I don't trust you - M Kirshenbaum

Healing from a affair - Doug and Linda

Recovering from Affairs - P and J Vaughan

There are others, but they're on a similar theme. I think what were after is help in rebuilding a shattered self worth, I've done so much damage to her that we do not think these books offer quite enough to help us begin to rebuild her.

Hopefully that makes sense to you guys?

15 comments posted: Sunday, June 7th, 2020

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