Me: BW64 (24 at time of betrayal)Him: FWH66 (26 at time of Adultery) DD: 3/86 FWS confessed to 14 month NSA PA with married Co worker, 6x for lunch time quickies between 10/82-11/83 Severely Retriggered 9/2021 Reconciled but still healing from trigger

Friendly vs Flirty

I just need to vent and would like some feedback on what ya'll think about a few things. I am married to a very handsome man, this is not just MY opinion it is the opinion of many other people also as I have heard it from women and men alike

My FWS is basically a friendly person and I can look back to the early days and remember my girlfriends saying more then once to me "doesnt it bother you that S flirts?" And I remember thinking 'oh does he? I wondered if he did but when I mention it to him he says hes just being friendly" This conversation has been had between us several times over the years and he always minimized my feelings and made me feel unheard. After DD back in 1986 we didn't address issues we should have, there was no internet, we went for 1 session in MC and basically rug swept the rest, got on with our lives. But I look back and see the opportunities we missed to address things and make changes that could have saved us both years of not having the oneness we are striving for now. I didn't set any boundaries, I even remember that he carpooled a few years later with an attractive woman! LOL Now mind you I have no reason to think he has ever cheated again, he stopped partying, gave his life to the Lord and made drastic lifestyle changes. However the way he acted when females would flirt or be overly friendly with him never changed. It always bothered me but again I never felt heard. Fast forward to last fall, I was majorly triggered and basically went thru the brutal pain of his cheating to a degree I never experienced back in 86. I see now that I compartmentalized it and stuffed it away as something that happened but didn't actually happen. Anyway we are facing the demons now and are on the better side of things compared to a year ago.

So the issue, there is a gal that works at the grocery store we frequent that my husband starting talking to about 4 years ago whenever he was in the store. Sometimes he would go alone and sometimes with me or I went alone. He introduced me to her and immediately I noticed how she barely looked at me and how their interactions made me uncomfortable. I mentioned to him afterwards that they were flirtatious with each other. He of course said "NO WERE NOT! thats ridiculous were just talking" I said well you are being TOO friendly and so is she. He blew me off and I just let it slide as I wasn't heard anyway. So in the past year when we go to that store this woman would literally walk around me and right up to my husband with a big smile and hello and how are you doing. I pointed this out to him and he finally started to see it for what it was. I told him how when I go to the store with out him she doesn't speak to me at all unless I say something to her first and then she is very flat effect and mumbles something as she walks by. I have considered confronting her about her behaviour but I believe it should come from my husband, not me.

The other issue is a gal that recently started at his work. She is a divorced single mom probably in her every 40's and we ran into her and her child and ex husband at a restaurant about a month ago. My husband introduced us. Fast forward to last week, he comes home and tells me that she had given him a large package of his favorite candy for christmas. No one exchanged gifts at his work and she didn't get candy for anyone else. He said at the lunch the office held for a Christmas party all had been ask what their favorite candy was. His favorite candy is not a common one and can be rather challenging to find. She told him she searched online to find it. It contained 18 packs. So this single mom spent her hard earned money and time to get him his favorite candy. He said he was shocked and felt uncomfortable about it so he left it there in the break room for anyone that wanted it. What upsets me is that I assume (I know assuming isnt' always the case) that he has been his 'friendly' self with her and perhaps she interpreted it as flirting.

My questions for yall:

Do you think attractive people are more likely to be perceived as flirting by the person they are interacting with?
Do you think I should let the grocery store gal stuff go or should it be addressed?
If it should be addressed by who and how?
Am I over reacting to any of this?

I have been very firm with my FWS this time and told him in no uncertain terms that he is TOO friendly and needs to tighten up his boundaries to make me feel safe and respected. It may not be fair but thats the way it is. I have grown alot in the past year and I have learned that how I feel about this things matter, a great deal. My husband assures me that I am his priority and I have no doubt he has been faithful for the past 39 years but we still have work to do

Thanks for reading this

16 comments posted: Sunday, January 8th, 2023