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Newest Member: TotallyShatteredandlost

General :
OK. Who’s ready for drama.

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Lonelyinlove2 (original poster new member #80620) posted at 8:12 PM on Sunday, September 4th, 2022

My wife and I are both in out early 50s anfvhave been married for 22 years. 3 great kids, all boys middle school,high school , College. We have a great house and all the material things anyone could ask for. Sounds great right.

Over the last year+ my wife has been extremely focused on her looks and is constantly working on her appearance finding the next surgery to make herself look more attractive, she also puts in a huge amount of effort with diet and exercise. All this is awesome because I have a stunningly beautiful wife. Our sex life is good and I have no complaints in that department other than the fact that I typically have to initiate and it seems more like something on her to-do list (maybe I do have complaints;).

The real issue is that it is very obvious that she is doing this to attract male attention. She is always on Reddit doing who knows what as far as communicating with whoever. Reddit seems like it good for many things but it also seems a bit like sketchy. I am starved for real Affection and love and she just seems cold and avoids it most of the time. She likes to act like that is just not her nature but it used to be in her nature and I see the real emotions
Love and affection she gives our kids so I know it’s in there somewhere. I recently got curious and snooped in her phone and found a Snapchat msg from a guy telling her she’s young and beautiful. She claims it was nothing and just some random guy from reddit. I know that she resents me because of my snooping to find proof and to be honest I HATE MYSELF for doing this. But when I want to just have a discussion about our relationship she hates it and has a story about everything and just gaslights me. My gut feelings tend to be pretty accurate and I mentally struggle with myself to find the truth and I go snooping.

Our recent discussion left me feeling very hurt and she told me she is bored in our relationship and not sure if the fundamentals of marriage are right for her. Here’s the real problem. I love this woman so much and can not stand the thought of loosing her and destroying the beautiful life we have built together and starting over at 53 years old. She says she loves me and wants to work on it and swears that there is nothing physical going on but I have a head full of so many thoughts and can not get any peace when she is not home because I am so caught up in who she might be with. She is being very open as far as letting me know where she is by txt.... I know that all my begging and groveling is a massive turn on but I find myself going so hard in trying to be enough for her by buying her gifts and leaving notes..... so pathetic I know!!

I told her that I am willing to do just about anything to make this marriage last and to her credit she admits that this is something going on inside her that she can not control, as in a hormone thing or something. We are pretty open about our feelings when we talk but I feel like there is more to this story that I do not know and that she knows would probably end our marriage if I found out. Putting my foot down and said no more going to the gym and looking attractive is the most ridiculous thing ever and might as well just say I want a divorce.

Basically the simplest way to put this is, I feel like someone else is giving her the attention that she needs because any attention I give her does not count. I am constantly giving her compliments but they mean nothing coming from me. This leaves me feeling lonely and starved for affection. If inknew this was just a phase I think I could work with her on somehow making things work. But if this is just who she is I do not know if I can take much more. I am beginning to hate myself and feel very insignificant.

I would love to hear from a woman that has herself been in a situation like this so I can have her perspective.

Thanks for listening.

posts: 20   ·   registered: Aug. 22nd, 2022   ·   location: Eastern WA
id 8753867
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src9043 ( member #75367) posted at 8:33 PM on Sunday, September 4th, 2022

Well she has checked out of the marriage but seems to be keeping you around until she hooks up with someone she really likes if she has not done so already. She probably has partners in crime that might be egging her on. That is what this sounds like to me. You are in a bad spot. You can either do what you are doing and watch yourself get steamrolled or do what is called the 180 and recover your dignity. It doesn't sound like she would consider counseling since she has basically said she is not that invested in the marriage or you for that matter. Honestly, fuck her and the horse she rode in on. That should be your attitude. That would be mine. I don't care if she is has turned into Lady Godiva. Respect yourself, she doesn't.

BTW, DO NOT feel bad checking her emails, social media accounts, phones or computer. She is untrustworthy. She is on Reddit and has already admitted corresponding with some dude. In fact, tell her you will monitor her every fucking move and demand access to everything since she is already "slow motion cheating."

You should go see a lawyer and get your ducks in order. I would start separating accounts. Tell you wife that you have no choice since she is hell bent on ending the marriage. Be proactive, not reactive. Do not be a doormat. It doesn't work. You hit the gym, get in shape and prepare for the worst. Your wife has decided to drive right into an oncoming iceberg. Get off the SS Titanic before she accomplishes her goal.

BTW, you should check out her gym. There could be some guy there she is in to.

[This message edited by src9043 at 8:40 PM, Sunday, September 4th]

posts: 683   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8753870
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Trdd ( member #65989) posted at 11:17 PM on Sunday, September 4th, 2022

Stop the pick me dance and get her attention!!

She hopefully is not having an affair yet. Now is the time to stand up for yourself. Start working out, start taking care of yourself and doing things you like, not only catering to her. You can then raise the stakes and tell her you are worried about the marriage lasting if the two of you don't change; but you can do that from a position of strength, not as a hyper attentive partner that may be seen as a doormat. Confidence is sexy and you may not be displaying it to her.

I would also keep on the lookout because she seems like she is checking out and plans to act on it. Lots of red flags in her behavior.

posts: 701   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8753889
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 Lonelyinlove2 (original poster new member #80620) posted at 11:17 PM on Sunday, September 4th, 2022

Thanks for your point of view. I am not ready to throw in the towel after all this time and perhaps you are right and I am wasting my time putting of the inevitable. But I can not turn my families life upside down for something that is quite possibly human nature after being in a marriage for half of your life. I think people give up way to easily these days and a lot of it is not being willing to see things from both sides. I truly believe that if the roles were reversed she would be there for me to do everything possible to make it work. This is not to say that thee may come a time that there is no denying divorce is the only option.

I assume from the fact that you are on this site that you have been down a similar road and that you are a man and perhaps younger than myself. I could be totally wrong on that assumption but just a guess. I do appreciate your advice and have considered doing exactly what you suggested several times.

posts: 20   ·   registered: Aug. 22nd, 2022   ·   location: Eastern WA
id 8753890
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Shehawk ( member #68741) posted at 11:55 PM on Sunday, September 4th, 2022

SCR

I am glad it's too late for coffee where I am or I would have snorted it out my nose when I read your horse 🐴🐎 comment.

"I don't care if she is has turned into Lady Godiva. Respect yourself, she doesn't."

I learned this the hard way.

I am a F married over 3 decades. I tried to nice my husband into stopping being a cheating self centered middle aged manwhore because I did not want to destroy our family. Problem was WH had been working on doing just that for a long time behind my back. So I was not in the driver's seat at that point. And the crash of our family was 100 percent on him.

Here's the honest truth from where I am standing, a man who treats a good woman well and tries to own their stuff and be a decent human.. at your age is gonna have a line around the block of attractive women who don't cheat and care about how you feel. A good woman is gonna appreciate that in a man and reciprocate and have your back. It's not going to be one sided.

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1111   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: VA
id 8753896
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Shehawk ( member #68741) posted at 12:00 AM on Monday, September 5th, 2022

SCR

I am glad it's too late for coffee where I am or I would have snorted it out my nose when I read your horse 🐴🐎 comment.

"I don't care if she is has turned into Lady Godiva. Respect yourself, she doesn't."

I learned this the hard way.

I am a F married over 3 decades. I tried to nice my husband into stopping being a cheating self centered middle aged manwhore because I did not want to destroy our family. Problem was WH had been working on doing just that for a long time behind my back. I rugswept the first time and I failed to stand my ground with the massive amount of disrespect he dishes my way.
So I was not in the driver's seat at that point. And the crash of our family was 100 percent on him.

Here's the honest truth from where I am standing, a man who treats a good woman well and tries to own their stuff and be a decent human.. at your age is gonna have a line around the block of attractive women who don't cheat and care about how you feel. A good woman is gonna appreciate that in a man and reciprocate and have your back. It's not going to be one sided.

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1111   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: VA
id 8753897
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Justsomeguy ( member #65583) posted at 2:16 AM on Monday, September 5th, 2022

I am not ready to throw in the towel after all this time and perhaps you are right and I am wasting my time putting of the inevitable.

The problem with adopting this stance is that it puts you in a position of weakness. It's like buying a car, telling the dealer that you'll do anything to get it, and then start negotiating the price. Around here, we call it the pick-me dance, and it looks especially unattractive to females. As a general rule, women like strong, decisive men. This does not project a sense of strength. It probable that in your WW'S mind, she has already dehumanizing and devalued you in order to justify her wayward feelings. After all, she must engage in some serious mental and moral gymnastics to justify why she is not the villain in this scenario. It is something called the discard phase. Oftentimes, by the time a man has been made aware of issues in the relationship, the wife has already checked out and emotionally moved on, now seeing her partner through the lens of contempt and ridicule. She has done all the processing and is way ahead on the curve. Her plans are made and she now views the M as being over. You are playing catch-up. I'm not saying it's unsalvagable, just not likely. The few stories here where the M was saved usually have a come-to-Jesus moment for the WS where they confront all of the lies and mental constructs they used to justify their A. I don't see your WW there yet if at all. But who knows?


I truly believe that if the roles were reversed she would be there for me to do everything possible to make it work.


This is classic projection. You are a decent person who assumes everyone else at their core is basically like you. Thats one reason cheaters are often the jealous ones in a relationship. Even before Dday, I knew my W was a pretty shitty person at her core, at least in the empathy department. I would joke with my buddy that if I were ever terminal, I would need to make preparations to put a bullet in my head, because I would never be cared for in the final days. Yet, I would have been there until the bitter end for her. Try reversing the roles again and ask yourself if you would have cheated given the unique (not unique really) set of circumstances she faced? My guess is no. It's not in your character. So no, if the roles were reversed, she would probably dump your cheating ass in a New York minute.

It takes time to detox and untangle our assumptions from what is actually real. Give yourself time to process and to truly grasp what you are facing. You might be surprised where this takes you. Good luck and stay strong.

Me:55 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off and filed. Denied having an affair in court papers.

Divorced 2022!!!!

posts: 1365   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8753917
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RocketRaccoon ( member #54620) posted at 3:05 AM on Monday, September 5th, 2022

Here’s the real problem. I love this woman so much and can not stand the thought of loosing her and destroying the beautiful life we have built together and starting over at 53 years old.

Sorry to burst your bubble, but love is not the problem.

The problem is the second part of the quote according to the actions you have taken so far (Pick-Me dance).

As to why your complements seem to not affect her? Well, it would be like you relative telling you how good you looked, as compared to the hot girl telling you how good you look.

The difference is how YOU perceive those compliments, and in your wife's case, the compliments from you are 'expected', whilst the hot guy's compliments are un-solicited.

You cannot cure stupid

posts: 1027   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2016   ·   location: South East Asia
id 8753923
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 5:48 AM on Monday, September 5th, 2022

It is hormonal. Her estrogen has waned and there is just enough testosterone in females so that aggression and a spike in interest in sex shows up. You have lost some testosterone so that your softer side is there. It doesn’t mean you are less masculine, it just means you have emotions rising to the top more easily. Her aggression is going to wane at some point but getting there is what you see. None of this excuses her behavior. She sounds immature. That can’t be new.
I hate telling you to be sneaky but you have ways of tracking her and you should probably do it. Also a VAR under the seat in her car might tell you something. Keep in mind that might be against the law in your state. It probably is not usable for legal issues but let’s hope nothing shows up.

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 3608   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8753932
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RealityBlows ( member #41108) posted at 8:53 AM on Monday, September 5th, 2022

.

I truly believe that if the roles were reversed she would be there for me to do everything possible to make it work.

The roles are reversed. You’re not getting your needs met (boundaries, affection, intimacy). You confronted her regarding and she got annoyed, gaslighted you, told you "the fundamentals of marriage may not be for her".

She is clearly NOT "doing everything to make it work"

She’s doing the opposite. She seems to be laying the groundwork to discontinue the marriage. She’s disconnecting. She will later say, "We’re growing apart" and use that as an excuse to leave the marriage or cheat.

When she’s actually the one growing apart, checking out.

I was 22 years into my marriage, roughly the same age as you, three kids, etc, etc with a more subtle onset of Red Flags than yours. Red Flags that only became apparent in hindsight.

Looking back, honestly looking back, there wasn’t anything I could have done to change the course of events. There was plenty she could have done but, in her own words, her cheating had nothing to do with me or the state of the marriage. It was all on and in her.

Assuming she hasn’t cheated yet:

I would recommend an emergency intervention. Tell her you are very concerned about the state of your marriage and would like to have a serious talk about it. Tell her you feel you two are growing apart and that you’re concerned that mutual needs may be neglected. Request marriage counseling. If she is not responsive or refuses MC, you’ll have a better idea where her head is at. This will establish a baseline of due diligence on your part so she can’t come back down the road and say you didn’t try, you didn’t care, you didn’t notice.

At the same time, I would step up surveillance, discreet surveillance. Don’t tip her off that you suspect cheating. She’ll just take her wayward activities-if any, further underground or temporarily put them on hold until you grow complacent.

Regarding your comment that you’re too old to start over, that attitude will sand bag you, set you up to grovel and play very unattractive and off putting "Pick Me Dances".

You have to be mentally and physically prepared to ditch the marriage to save the marriage. Sounds unintuitive but…

This is called personal boundaries. Your grievances regarding the marriage are just as legit as hers. If she’s truly interested in saving, or even maintaining, the marriage she has to meet you at the bargaining table. She has to be engaged. You don’t drag her there. You don’t beg her there.

If she refuses to put the work in, tell her she’s set you on a course towards divorce.

And tell yourself that there are plenty of fish in the sea who can easily replace her-easily. Because my 58 year old self is here to tell you there are. I too thought my WS was my one-and-only. I thought I would never get so lucky again. Shit, my new gal has totally redefined for me what it is to be loved and desired.

Keep this in mind, and you’ll properly protect your dignity and not put up with less than you deserve.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 9:08 AM, Monday, September 5th]

posts: 996   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8753935
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sleepylove ( member #68848) posted at 11:03 AM on Monday, September 5th, 2022

Discrete surveillance immediately. VAR and GPS tracking are in order. Do not feel guilty about doing this. The way you are being treated is abominable.

BH 49WW 49Married almost 22 years at time of AShe had an affair Dec 2017-Feb 2018Found them together 2/2/18 Final Dday 2/23/18 Still don't know the whole truthTrying to R

posts: 187   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2018
id 8753936
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HarryD ( member #72423) posted at 2:00 PM on Monday, September 5th, 2022

You can’t make the marriage work. She already checked out. She putting more effort in looking good for her next AP then you. She is a cake eater. As you are supporting her. Paying for her surgery, hair make up clothes. And her AP getting all the loving.
You must burst the bubble. Divorce her. Let her 50 yo self be on her own. Trying to find a AP who good in bed and works to support her.
Easy to find an AP to have sex with you, but one who going to support you is another

posts: 120   ·   registered: Dec. 30th, 2019   ·   location: NY
id 8753956
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 2:14 PM on Monday, September 5th, 2022

she told me she is bored in our relationship and not sure if the fundamentals of marriage are right for her.

So this is a red flag 🚩that am affair has happened or is about to happen. And FYI it doesn’t need to be physical for it to be an affair.

She’s emotionally getting something out of Reddit or from someone (or 2 or 3) that she interacts with.

Sounds like a mid life crisis and I’ve been down that path. Complete with hearing "I don’t know if I want to be married" and then learning of the affair.

You need to take your power back. As long as you let your cheating spouse call the shots, the cheater will walk all over you and take advantage to get what they want t.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12809   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8753964
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 2:20 PM on Monday, September 5th, 2022

I’m sorry you had to find us, you have a story very close to mine, I worked my ass off trying to fix our M. Problem isn’t the M it’s her, she is broken and seeking validation elsewhere, your compliments are being dismissed.

Snapchat is where all her cheating was done, it is a cheater app, I’m sure she has a phone, ask her why she needs to communicate on Snapchat.

The only missing from your story that mine had was the Bff encouraging her to cheat, cheering her on. If she is close with a girlfriend, watch that very close.

I was in your shoes, I have so many regrets trying to "nice her back", it’s a losing game. It wasn’t until I had enough of being jerked around and told her "I’m done!!, headed to a lawyer to file D". She believed me and begged for another chance, it changed me because I took my power back and I run this now. Snapchat is not allowed for anyone in my house.

You need to implement the 180, it saved me.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R
BH M 31 years

posts: 2024   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8753966
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 Lonelyinlove2 (original poster new member #80620) posted at 4:07 PM on Monday, September 5th, 2022

Thanks for all the advice guys. I just typed up a long reply and when I tried to post it i got a "this post contains a URL.... " and I lost the whole thing. This post is a test.

posts: 20   ·   registered: Aug. 22nd, 2022   ·   location: Eastern WA
id 8753973
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 Lonelyinlove2 (original poster new member #80620) posted at 4:21 PM on Monday, September 5th, 2022

I feel that most of the replies are coming from people that have been through similar things and it did not work out. I am still optimistic that it can be saved and owe it to myself and my family to know I gave it a chance. I realize this is mainly on her making changes but I am willing to be there for her if she is willing to get out of the trance she is in.

I feel like she is under some type of spell where tips he thinks she is missing out on this world where all the young milf hunters are gonna be swooning over her, and I am certain that they will because she is beautiful. It’s as though the payoff for all the work she puts into herself has to be rewarded with male attention in order to feel young and not just be stuck in our great home with a boring husband that begs for her attention and gets in the way of her compliments from the ones that really matter.

The timeline is just so obvious and I really do think reddit has a lot to do with it. I didn’t even know what reddit was and I still dont really know but I do know she is on there a lot and that after she really started obsessing on her appearance and found reddit (not sure which came first) then I think she started messaging with guys getting attention (assume sending pix?). Now I feel like there is a forcefield between her phone and myself that I feel when I walk into the room that is undeniable. Like I say though, it seems like she is under a spell that I am hopeful she can realize before it’s too late. Maybe there is no hope but I still have some deep down.

posts: 20   ·   registered: Aug. 22nd, 2022   ·   location: Eastern WA
id 8753975
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 4:45 PM on Monday, September 5th, 2022

BW here. Over a decade since dday, fully reconciled.

You are going to get the same responses from those of us who have reconciled. Because your wife is following the cheaters handbook,chapter by chapter.

She's been on Reddit. She started getting plastic surgery,and working out because she wants to attract male attention.

You already know she is conversing with other men,who are giving her validation. She shut you down when you voiced your concerns.

Your wife is not stupid. She knows exactly what she's doing. She's not in a trance,or under a spell. At the very least,she is chatting with other men online. That she suddenly is so into her appearance indicates she is at least sending pics,or videos,or is having a physical affair.

You,sir,are in denial. You don't want to believe this is true.

It would be very easy to find the truth. Put a voice activated recorder in her car.

You also should have her password to her phone,and be free to look at any time. Based on what you have already found,you have reason to believe she is cheating. She should willingly let you have her password. I bet she won't though? Because she knows what you would find.

The men who have the most successful chance at R don't play the pick me game. They refuse to tolerate the lies. As mentioned,women respect a man who respects himself.

[This message edited by HellFire at 4:46 PM, Monday, September 5th]

posts: 4866   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8753978
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 4:58 PM on Monday, September 5th, 2022

I am still optimistic that it can be saved and owe it to myself and my family to know I gave it a chance. I realize this is mainly on her making changes but I am willing to be there for her if she is willing to get out of the trance she is in.

You have to let go outcome and take care of yourself. Unless a Jeanie pops out and offers 3 wishes you are not going to fix this. I was exactly where you are 3 years ago. My W is a 48 year old bikini competitor, she absolutely beautiful and I know about the thirsty Milf hunters.

My WW wanted to test the waters and find something better, it’s called monkey branching. The problem is these guys are eager to take what’s she’s offering, but know better than to get serious with a middle aged cheater.

She started treating me like shit because in her justifications she’s the good guy and you are the bad guy. The more weak or accommodating you are just proves her justifications correct. I’m not saying that to offend you, I’m saying that because I was that guy.

When I put my foot down and headed for D and exposure her fog lifted and her bubble bursted. She begged for another chance and 2.5 years later we are in a great place. I’m not the same, I stand up for myself and she knows at any time she feels she wants something better, the door is hers.

Be willing to lose the M to save it.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R
BH M 31 years

posts: 2024   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8753979
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 5:14 PM on Monday, September 5th, 2022

I have R with my H.

However it wasn’t until I kicked HIM to the curb at dday2 that anything changed. Six months of being jerked around by him was enough.

Read up on the 180.

Stop being her H.

See a D attorney just in case.

You may have to confront her with either it’s the M or we D. She’s either in or out. It’s not about the cheating. It’s about you not being her priority.

If she’s "bored" and not in love w/ you, then it’s good to know up front and move on.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12809   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8753981
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OwningItNow ( member #52288) posted at 5:39 PM on Monday, September 5th, 2022

It's difficult to convince new members that waiting and being nice to their spouse are not effective strategies to ending this painful situation. These new members believe this is what a loving, patient spouse does.

What we are saying is that those ARE great strategies to other marital issues, but NOT the ones where a spouse is disrespecting you. When you are being disrespected by a partner, waiting for them to suddenly, miraculously start respecting you does not work. I wish it did. So many people in so many romantic relationships would be spared tremendous pain, but once a partner devalues you because of whatever messed up needs and thinking have taken over (not because of anything you have done), they simply do not snap back without a catalyst. When someone is treating you badly in life, the solution is literally NEVER to treat them even better---that only pushes them further away.

So what do you imagine the catalyst will be that suddenly makes you seem appealing to her again?

No offense, you are a sure thing. The only power you possibly have is to stop being a sure thing. That's what we are encouraging you to do. Stop being the boring, reliable, taken for granted, meaningless sure thing. Divorce is not the only way to do this. There is also your daily behavior. You can stop chasing someone who sees you as nothing. Can you do that? Can you stop chasing her? It's pushing her further into this disrespectful behavior because she feels allowed to act this way. You don't seem to hate her at all for it! And so she continues.

And why exactly are you paying for all this plastic surgery? Does she work?

I strongly recommend a good therapist to help guide you. There is no question in my mind that you are going to be battling this for months if not years. And when you find the proof that she is sleeping with other men--which she is planning on doing with all this surgery and exercise--it is going to hurt like hell. This problem is not going away quickly. It never does.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 5:48 PM, Monday, September 5th]

me: BS/WSh: WS/BS

Reject the rejector. Do not reject yourself.

posts: 5682   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2016   ·   location: Midwest
id 8753986
Topic is Sleeping.
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