Healing4u/MIgander Thanks for sharing. These are the gems I am looking for. I understand where the folks that are just saying that it’s time to burn this shit to the ground because she is cheating are coming from and perhaps they are right. But... I really do love her and I know she loves me so I/we owe it to our family and ea other to really make sure there is not other option. So for my simple little fix-it brain I just gotta understand what I am dealing with here. I am also fully aware everybody that maybe it isn’t fixable and that’s ok too. One thing that I can feel happening is that every day I am feeling more able to let her go and find what I really need. Although I am not really looking forward to it, I know I can handle it if there is no saving this shitshow.
She has not been on her phone anywhere close to where she was before so I do not feel that weird tension when I walk into the room. I assume her passcode to her phone is the same as it was the last time I checked, but that’s been a couple weeks and at this point I know she is smart enough to just hide things better if there’s anything to hide. I have backed way off of the cat and mouse game where I am trying to sneak into her phone every time I see it unattended (which is often lately).
I still get hung up on things like.. why is she getting so dolled up for the gym (basically putting on eye makeup) and convince myself I am being over critical and just have to accept that just because she doesn’t want to look like shit when she goes to the gym does not have to mean anything.
The change in phone behavior was like a light switch that happened after I blew up and was ready to throw in the towel after seeing her taking pics of herself by the pool. I still don’t know if it is even right of me to condemn her for wanting to see pics of herself. I guess I have to assume someone else may be seeing these but she says that’s not the case and I have no proof so....?
I have really backed way off as far as the amount of space I am giving her. I have started exercising after work and I am careful to watch when she gets home and just avoid contact and slip downstairs to work out for a couple hrs. Combines with some Other things like yard work... I usually stay busy and give her some space until 7pm. That gives us a few hrs from 7-10 where we are in the same room watching TV.... this usually looks like me watching our show next to her on her laptop looking at clothes or scrolling tictok (I also do these things sometimes because I feel awkward laying there like I’m invisible waiting for a hug or a kiss. Hugs or kisses rarely happen unless I initiate and then I feel like a chump so I put my effort into avoidance but inside I feel like shit.
I know that in her mind it is unrealistic for couples to still have that same spark after 22 years that they had in the beginning and I know that is true. But there has to still be some sort of fire still burning deep down right? I know it’s still does for me but maybe that’s just out of fear?
Her true focus other than the kids, household stuff (which is a long list). We have a child graduating this year and many upcoming events/trips, that she is dealing with. She is amazing at keeping this life we have created running smoothly. Our relationship just seems to be at the back of the line for her but at the front of the line for me. This causes major mental struggles for me. I find myself making lists about how I feel because the thoughts just swirl around and if I don’t write em down I just swirl onto the next thought. Here’s my latest one. I usually throw em away but this one is still on my desk. I never show these to her and I know that she would just feel pressured and wonder what else I expect since she already changed her phone habits...
I am sorrry that...
My happiness depends on your happiness and approval and that is too much pressure
My acts of kindness are shown because that is what I crave to get in return. (Little notes etc... I stopped doing this BTW)
I mentally go to "there must be someone else because that’s what it would take or me pull so far away from you"
This all creates a viscous cycle that feeds my insecurity and mistrust.
Afraid that the only thing left is my love for you and that your effort is put into carefully avoiding leading me on.
Your happiness and desires do not include me, my happiness and desires ONLY include you. Staying in this situation WE BOTH LOOSE.
This is the cheesy shit that is floating in my head CONSTANTLY. She has never been a super affectionate person and did not grow up in a loving household (I very much did). So the behavior is not really that different than it ever has been. The main difference is her obsession with her appearance and the jeleously i carry around from it. This is why I don’t think there is a right answer or a fix. I know I can’t say "you need to get fat and ugly for this to work out". And do I want her to be forced to love me harder? Do I just settle and be happy I have a beautiful wife and a amazing life with great kids. She’s A very independent person and she will do just fine if we split up. I am still trying to convince myself that I would be and let’s just say that she isn’t having a affair. Is it worth Getting a divorce because I don’t get enough hugs?
Thanks for listening everyone. I swear. I am really not as cheesy and needy as this all sounds. Even though I feel like I have been pushed into what feels like the emotional female part of this relationship, that is really not my nature so not sure how it turned into this. I am a manly kind of guy into motocross, hunting, fishing, shooting and my hobbies keep me plenty busy outside of our relationship. But it has always been apparent that she is my number one priority. So maybe I have made it too easy to be taken for granted? At this point I feel like I could back myself out of the house and live on my own and nobody would notice I’m gone. Not a good feeling.
[This message edited by Lonelyinlove2 at 4:07 PM, Tuesday, September 13th]