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MIgander ( member #71285) posted at 4:47 PM on Wednesday, September 14th, 2022
I think it's either in JFO or the Healing Library.
H4U, that was EXACTLY what happened to me. Convinced myself H didn't care. H was probably one of the rare exceptions where the pick me dance worked.
LiL2, continue to focus on your happiness, withdraw from her when she doesn't respect your boundaries. Her continuing online shenanigans- "I am feeling disrespected/rejected/unimportant by you when you pursue these online fantasies. Because you are choosing to continue your online activities, I am choosing to focus on myself. Your actions are pushing me away."
Put it back on her.
WW/BW Dday July 2019. BH/WH- multiple EA's. Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.
Lonelyinlove2 (original poster new member #80620) posted at 6:16 PM on Wednesday, September 14th, 2022
She is a very different female and she would love it if I did the 180. Lol.
We had a discussion last night and believe at the heart of the matter is the fact that she does not require outward signs of affection or really know how to display them because she never got any of that in her childhood due to a borderline abusive up bringing where she never had that. This is nothing new and honestly was refreshing because while all my friends had nagging wives that complained when they went and did their hobbies.... I have always been able to do whatever I want whenever I want as long as there were no family plans.... until lately when she started going through her midlife whatever the F is going on I never felt unloved. But now that she is doing her thing (I still don’t think there is a affair happening) where some questionable online things may have happened I now start feeling differently and expecting her to be something she has never been in order for me to feel better about myself. I grew up in a very loving fairytale family where my parents were still together until my mom recently passed away. I always felt loved and felt that my parents were very proud etc. I think I am expecting her to give me those feelings and it’s just not her nature and in fact it’s probably a massive turn off. I think I am in a place where I am trying to create something that may not be there in order to find a reason why I feel this way. I also think she is in a place whether it be age, hormone or both That she is a bit lost too.
[This message edited by Lonelyinlove2 at 2:40 PM, Thursday, September 15th]
OrdinaryDude ( member #55676) posted at 2:37 AM on Monday, September 19th, 2022
I am a manly kind of guy into motocross, hunting, fishing, shooting and my hobbies keep me plenty busy outside of our relationship. But it has always been apparent that she is my number one priority. So maybe I have made it too easy to be taken for granted? At this point I feel like I could back myself out of the house and live on my own and nobody would notice I’m gone. Not a good feeling.
While I’m not saying you need to leave, just keep yourself busy in things that she is not needed for, and surround yourself with friends and family in doing so.
Let her join if she desires but I wouldn’t even bother to ask. Don’t be afraid to demonstrate that she is not needed to continue on with your life. (Basically a 180)
Meanwhile get yourself some therapy and insist that she does also.
As another poster says, women don’t get dolled up to go to the gym, so this is a huge red flag, don’t forget that.
And most importantly, begin to un-mingle your finances from hers (as well as get involved in the day to day bills and expenses at home), consulting with professionals (accountants/lawyers) concerning what would happen to your business if a divorce occurs, and what you can do organizationally to protect it…this is VERY important.
I’m short, you need to reorganize your life in a way that makes her presence and income superfluous in relation to your individual situation, doing so will either make her realize that she needs to earn her place at your side, or put you in a better place for when you realize she doesn’t need to be there at all.
ETA…being and outdoorsy guy myself, I could easily keep myself preoccupied.
I was young and dumb and stayed with a cheater.
Lonelyinlove2 (original poster new member #80620) posted at 4:28 PM on Tuesday, September 20th, 2022
Thanks for the insight Ordinarydude. I have been keeping myself busy in my hobbies and that is kinda what I always do anyway. I would almost always prefer that she would want to spend time together but I have not felt that in years. She has always allowed me to hunt, fish.... anytime I want. I always felt lucky for that.
It’s the fact that now it feels like she would rather I be gone so that I am not scrutizing her every move while looking for clues. I know that it is annoying her that I look for these clues that most of which are nothing other than me turning it into something. I still don’t think she is having a PA. I just think that since she started getting in such good shape she has really started to crave the attention. This kinda left me in the dust and I am in my head constantly trying to not let it cross the line. But it just feels like she feels trapped and wants to live her second life (that does not include me). I sometimes feel like I just need to stop thinking about it or I am going to create a self fulfilled prophecy. Not sure if that’s real or not but I am sure that the way I am acting towards her is not gonna win her back.
HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 4:49 PM on Tuesday, September 20th, 2022
She craves other men's attention. She has cheated. Flirting with men online IS CHEATING.
And you feel you need to win her back?
You need IC to work on your self esteem.
I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.
Tanner ( Guide #72235) posted at 5:43 AM on Wednesday, September 21st, 2022
I just need to stop thinking about it or I am going to create a self fulfilled prophecy. Not sure if that’s real or not but I am sure that the way I am acting towards her is not gonna win her back.
She is either in or out, and she has already told you she is out and flirting online. Nothing you can do will win her back or encourage her to continue cheating. You have to detach, set her free, to find what a shit show she is falling for.
You can tell a kid not to touch the hot stove, but usually they have to discover for themselves.
Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R BH M 32 years
NotMyFirstRodeo ( member #75220) posted at 7:17 AM on Wednesday, September 21st, 2022
Were you raised by a single mother by chance?
Every lie we tell incurs a debt to the truth. Sooner or later that debt is paid.
sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 5:02 PM on Wednesday, September 21st, 2022
The 180 is not a tool for manipulating your WS. It's a tool to help the BS detach when the WS isn't a good candidate for R. See https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/the-simplified-180/ - it's a lot better than the original 180 doc, IMO.
I'm not sure distraction is your best approach. You've been betrayed. That brings out immense amounts of very painful emotions, and you need to pay attention to them. If you distract yourself too much, you'll stuff the feelings, and they'll come back and bite you in the ass at very bad moments.
You say your W would love the 180. That raises questions like:
What are you getting from your M?
Why are you holding onto it?
What changes, if any, do you want in your M?
Have you asked yourself these questions? Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with your W if nothing changes? (These are real questions. I know my answers for my sitch. You know your answers for your sitch.)
fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.
CuriousObserver ( member #78743) posted at 3:16 AM on Thursday, September 22nd, 2022
So sorry you find yourself here.
Something that I think would be of immense help for you is the audiobook, "The Dead Bedroom Fix" by DSO. It is read by the author and you will get his emphasis on it. You can find it on Scribd. First month is free. He has been in your shoes and will show you all of your pathetic behavior that feeds her disrespect of you. Now I am not saying you caused this. Her unfaithful behavior, whatever it is, is 100% on her. You did not cause it. However, you must stop disrespecting yourself. Get the book. You can get through it in a couple of hours. Then listen again. All the best to you.
Listen to their words but believe their actions.
The power of a lie is that it is believed to be truth.
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