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Newest Member: Goku06

General :
So happy to be dating a new man!

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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 12:00 AM on Thursday, August 25th, 2022

That was my first thought as well. He sounds married.

Teacher..it absolutely is necessary for you to ask him what kind of relationship he's looking for. You need to know that.

posts: 4655   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8751980
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RealityBlows ( member #41108) posted at 5:44 AM on Thursday, August 25th, 2022

The best cure for a man, is another man.

Enjoy this. Enjoy this while it lasts. Hopefully this will last forever.

You’re now wise to the world. Don’t let your new found wisdom, your scars of betrayal, sabotage a good thing. Use it to identify a bad thing. And if you still wind up in a bad situation, even with your new found wisdom, just know that you’re resilient and there’s, evidently, more opportunities for you out there.

I agree with the others. Protect your good heart. Don’t let those analgesic feels of Limerance cloud your judgment (Easier said than done). Proceed with caution.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 6:04 AM, Thursday, August 25th]

posts: 942   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8752016
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:09 PM on Thursday, August 25th, 2022

The best cure for a bad relationship is backing off and changing oneself into a person who won't accept bad treatment again. Perhaps you've done or are in the process of doing that.

I wish you the best, tjg. I'm glad you're happy with this guy. Long may your happiness last, and may your new school turn out to be much better than you expect it to be.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:10 PM, Thursday, August 25th]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27569   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8752064
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Catwoman ( member #1330) posted at 4:15 PM on Thursday, August 25th, 2022

Maybe I should have asked him to explain more, but it's not me to do that.

In today's world, it needs to be "in you" to do that. For me personally, I am not intimate beyond kissing until we have had the exclusivity talk. I expect anyone I'm having sex with isn't having sex with someone else, and I have the conversation. Awkward? Sometimes. But very necessary. If a fellow wants to tomcat around, it isn't going to be on my time. Period.

I thought K was being considerate by not parking behind my car in my driveway like R always did time and time again.


Are your standards always that low? Seriously, this is where IC would really be helpful. You have a long history of taking whatever crumbs someone will toss your way instead of standing up for yourself and understanding that you deserve a five-course meal.

I will admit I was happy to see him though. I didn't have anything going on and his visit was a welcome surprise.

We teach people how to treat us, and you're teaching him that you're always available. I highly recommend reading Why Men Love Bitches. Don't be put off by the title. It's ALL about standing up for yourself and not being so overly giving in a relationship. I think it would help.

Next time he just stops by with no notice, you're BUSY. Grading papers, weeding the garden, on your way out . . . doesn't matter. I would say, "Oh, it's nice to see you, but I really need to do this. How about you call next time and we can make real plans?"

Don't keep rehashing the same bad boundaries with different people.

Cat

FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 27 and 24. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

posts: 33108   ·   registered: Apr. 5th, 2003   ·   location: Massachusetts
id 8752066
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SadieMae ( member #42986) posted at 4:20 PM on Thursday, August 25th, 2022

Don't keep rehashing the same bad boundaries with different people.

This is such an important life lesson.

And remember, boundaries are for you, not for the other person.

Best of luck to you!

Me: BW 40 on DDAY
Him: WH 40 on DDAY (FlawedBroken)
Together over half our lives.
D-day 3/9/2014
TT until 6/2016
TT again Fall 2020

posts: 1256   ·   registered: Apr. 3rd, 2014   ·   location: Sweet Tea in the Shade
id 8752068
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 6:16 PM on Thursday, August 25th, 2022

I do worry a little though because he will make great plans for a nice date out but lately he has been canceling and then changing it to just meeting me at my house or pushing it back.

A guy shouldn't be given the opportunity to that more than once. This new guy sounds shady.

BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 861   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8752092
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 teacherjoggergal (original poster member #70442) posted at 8:34 PM on Thursday, August 25th, 2022

Hello everyone. Wow, I just read all of the updated comments. I admit I am saddened to see how many people have a negative perception of him. It resonates very much with what my one friend has been telling me in recent days. I talked to her earlier today around lunch time and expressed to her my worry that maybe he has another woman or is still married, after he told me he was married once but is now divorced, and she actually said a lot of the same things many of you have said recently. I am now worried and disappointed because I had such high hopes for him, and he makes me feel so happy when I am with him. Like I said before, the chemistry and also the physical affection are absolutely amazing. I haven't felt this good by a man in a really long time. R never made time for me like that. The same friend seems to think that part of my infatuation with this man is that he's the first man to actually seem to take an interest in me, other than R, in recent years. I will admit she is actually correct when she guessed that I wasn't having any luck finding a date from anyone else in the years before this one. Maybe that does play into it a little. I really like him, so I would be really disappointed if it turned out that he did in fact have another woman.


That said, my friend tends to be very good with using the computer and salusing around. She has done investigative research on the internet about people and things before. She has actually offered me to do some background research of sorts on the man I have been seeing. Should I take her up on the offer? The most recent comments make me feel like maybe I should. Feedback please.

posts: 180   ·   registered: Apr. 29th, 2019
id 8752126
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Catwoman ( member #1330) posted at 9:16 PM on Thursday, August 25th, 2022

I admit I am saddened to see how many people have a negative perception of him. It resonates very much with what my one friend has been telling me in recent days.

I wouldn't say negative, but his behaviors are worth a critical examination as to WHY. Is he monkey-branching? Hedging his bets? Or just someone who isn't putting in the effort to make plans. They don't have to be expensive plans, mind you, but he should be planning to spend time with you and putting in the effort of finding things for the two of you to do together and ASKING you to spend time with him. Sure, the odd "Netflix and Chill" night is fine, but if that is all he seems to want to do, then that sends a pretty big signal right there.

I think part of the why is that you've been much too available to him. A little mystery never hurt anyone. Again, we teach people how to treat us and you've taught him quite well that he doesn't need to put in the effort. Why would he change this arrangement? Again, get yourself a copy of Why Men Love Bitches and get some insight into this. It's a really good book.

I'd take your friend up on her offer. Wouldn't hurt to know just what you're dealing with. But you have to determine what's going to happen if you find something negative. It also wouldn't hurt to cultivate a social life for YOU. For example, I sing professionally and have a circle of friends that revolve around music and performing. My SO isn't a part of that (he comes to the performances, of course). But if we decide to get together for dinner or some group activity, he doesn't come (none of the spouses do). I have weekly rehearsals that take up time, and preparing for a performance can be time consuming. This is all for ME and feeds MY soul. It also keeps me an interesting girlfriend and companion.

Cat

FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 27 and 24. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

posts: 33108   ·   registered: Apr. 5th, 2003   ·   location: Massachusetts
id 8752134
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 9:18 PM on Thursday, August 25th, 2022

Definitely have your friend check him out.

In the meantime, I suggest that next time you speak with him, to tell him you would like to stop by his home and hang out there next time,instead of your house. How he responds might tell you all you need to know. If it's anything other than an enthusiastic yes,it's probably because his wife wouldn't appreciate it.

posts: 4655   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8752135
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 9:23 PM on Thursday, August 25th, 2022

Should I take her up on the offer?

^^^Yes. Immediately.

posts: 11608   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8752136
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 9:25 PM on Thursday, August 25th, 2022

She has actually offered me to do some background research of sorts on the man I have been seeing. Should I take her up on the offer?

If you plan on investing more time and energy in the relationship, I think you should. You should also ask him his intentions. Where does he see this going.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R
BH M 31 years

posts: 1795   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8752138
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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 10:39 PM on Thursday, August 25th, 2022

Yes and have her show you haw to do your own background search.
The whole thing sounds sketchy to me, approaching you after a run? He recognized you, blah blah blah.

I am not a trusting person, and do tend to assume the worst, until proven otherwise.

When I hire an employee I do a check to arrests/court cases, our state has this as a website that anyone can look up. Then I also searched them on social media platforms, and if I saw that they were partying in every pic, well that's not who I want for an employee, but you get the drift. W/ the digital age there is a ton of info at your fingertips.

I get that it feels great to get some attention and have some decent sex, but sister, don't be ready to bond yourself to this guy for the next 20 years, you know nothing about him.

There are many other fish out there too.

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 22 & 25
Married for 30 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 19510   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8752154
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EvenKeel ( member #24210) posted at 3:09 PM on Friday, August 26th, 2022

She has actually offered me to do some background research of sorts on the man I have been seeing. Should I take her up on the offer?

[shouting] YES

When I was single, before I would give anyone time or information about me, I validated they were who and what they said they were.

That means I reseached the heck out of him. AND I told them I was. How they responded told me lots. I got either of these responses:
- Do whatever you need to do to feel safe. (green flag)
- Knock yourself out...I have nothing to hide. (green flag)
- What? Why? I am not comfortable with that (red flag) Well bucko - I am not comfortable sharing my space with a stranger!

I would encourage you to learn how to do this research as well. Watch some episodes of Catfish on MTV for many ways to do this.

It makes me nervous that you are giving this new guy so much of you already without him working for it or you making sure you are safe. Like Cat said, before intimacy I made sure we were both on the same page. Meaning if exclusiveness is important to you - you should be asking. Heck - we even had STD panels done first. This is YOUR body that he could be exposing who-knows-what too.

New guy might very well be a nice and decent guy. But he needs to prove that to you by actions and time (check out Steve Harvey's book!). Unfortunately, the fellow in your previous relationship treated you so badly that you are thrill by any thing new guy is doing. I would encourage you to write a list of what you want in a partner and how you deserve to be treated. Sometimes we will justify questionable actions just because we want this NB so much. This list helps reminds you the standards you set for you.

What really sticks out to me is him canceling with no details. If I had to cancel on someone new I was dating, I would be tripping all over myself to let them know why, etc. so they knew I was really interested and this was an unavoidable issue. IE "So sorry to cancel tonight, my DD has the belly bug and is throwing up. I am not comfortable leaving her with a sitter, etc".

No one means to be harsh here with you. We have listened to your issues with the past relationship and want to make sure your NB is the one you deserve!

(PS - and block that old boyfriend!!!!!!!! I see you mentioned a few times he hasn't called you. Well, he should have no way to - block the heck out of him)

posts: 6761   ·   registered: May. 31st, 2009   ·   location: Pennsylvania
id 8752303
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 teacherjoggergal (original poster member #70442) posted at 4:10 PM on Friday, August 26th, 2022

Hi, my friend who offered to "research" him got back to me right away yesterday and unfortunately it is not good. 😔 Long story short she found out he is in fact still married, and also has quite a long rap sheet of prior convictions for assault and fight-related stuff. She also found some theft related convictions too. She sent me screenshots of everything. I feel so defeated and devastated. I really started to like him a lot! She is urging me to ditch him, naturally. Where do I go from here?

posts: 180   ·   registered: Apr. 29th, 2019
id 8752336
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 4:54 PM on Friday, August 26th, 2022

Oh I’m so sorry, never ignore your gut or all the red flags. Glad you found out early. You need to ghost this guy.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R
BH M 31 years

posts: 1795   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8752351
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 5:01 PM on Friday, August 26th, 2022

Where do I go from here?

Ditch him. Now. That should not even be a question. Do not answer his calls or texts. Block him on everything.

My concern is for your safety since he's a convicted criminal.

I would NOT inform him you know of his history as it might anger him. Tread cautiously. sad

Hopefully he won't show up at your door. Ugh. crying

[This message edited by annb at 5:06 PM, Friday, August 26th]

posts: 11608   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8752356
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 5:20 PM on Friday, August 26th, 2022

This really pisses me off, there are so many good men out here doing the right thing, then this predator comes along and takes advantage of you.

I said earlier the first red flag was approaching you from a vehicle, never, under any circumstance would I approach a woman from my vehicle. I watch too much Dateline and 48 Hours, IMO this is predatory behavior.

Please don’t beat yourself up over it, this is a cunning con man, you need to put your foot down and don’t be pushed around in any future relationship.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R
BH M 31 years

posts: 1795   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8752361
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zebra25 ( member #29431) posted at 6:30 PM on Friday, August 26th, 2022

I agree with the others. Block and ghost.

Be careful if you go running. Change your route, bring pepper spray, run where you are visible to others.

Install security cameras at home if you don't already have them.

So sorry this did not work out.

"Don't let anyone who hasn't been in your shoes tell you how to tie your laces."

D-day April 2010

posts: 2914   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2010
id 8752380
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Catwoman ( member #1330) posted at 7:39 PM on Friday, August 26th, 2022

Where do I go from here?

You're actually asking this question?

Someone with a rap sheet, especially for violence, is NOT good boyfriend material. Ever. I agree that you need to secure your home. A big-ass deadbolt and cameras should do it.

Block him from everything. EVERYTHING. Do not engage, and for the love of God, do not tell him what you found out.

Vulnerable people put out vibes that are easily picked up by predators. After this, NOW will you consider IC?

And don't talk to R, either. Work on you.

Cat

FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 27 and 24. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

posts: 33108   ·   registered: Apr. 5th, 2003   ·   location: Massachusetts
id 8752402
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 7:43 PM on Friday, August 26th, 2022

He's a married man,who is also a criminal.

Where do you go from here?

You don't answer the door when he shows up. Don't answer the phone. Don't respond to his texts.

You go to the clinic, and get tested for stds. And you get yourself into IC.

posts: 4655   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8752406
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